I am America (and so can you!) (134 page)

A C H A N C E F O R AV E R AG E A M E R I C A N S TO AG R E E W I T H W H AT I T H I N K

I think it’s time for an actual scientist to weigh in on this

debate. I wish I had nicer things to say about the Scientific

Establishment, but I’ve met some pretty closed minds in

academia. “Publish or perish,” as they say, and I have yet to find any journal with the courage to print my research paper, “The

Method and Practice of Sucking a Hard-Boiled Egg into a Milk

Bottle.” How does the hard-boiled egg get in the bottle without breaking? I don’t know. But give me some grant money, and I

Professor Wonder

can solve this mystery of our Natural World.

Scientist

Or would you rather see me cook a hot dog with two nails

and a frayed electrical cord? I thought so. Cover your eyes,

because sometimes the wiener will explode! Why? Another of Nature’s Secrets waiting to be revealed.

And there’s so much more to discover! Like the fundamental chemical structure of flaming bouncy balls made of borax, rubber cement, and kerosene. I have a hypothesis: It’s thrilling!

But the Gatekeepers of Knowledge don’t care about bringing a little joy into the lab. They’re too timid to plumb these mysteries. They’d rather decode genetic sequences and calculate the number of dimensions coiled within a superstring. Meanwhile, do you know what happens when you submerge flashlight batteries in a vat of bleach and then place it over a Bunsen burner? Me neither. But isn’t it science’s responsibility to ask these hard questions?! Shouldn’t we at least
try
?! I can’t say for sure what the results will be other than spectacular!

In closing, thank you for calling the Wonder-torium! If you would like to book the Hall of Experi-mazement for your child’s birthday party, please leave your name and number at the beep.

Somehow, this machine will record it!

Beep!

FUN

Hey, Kids! Now you can
disprove evolution
in your own backyard!

Here’s what you’ll need:

One (1)

One (1)

One (1)

One (1)

fishbowl

pitcher of water

hamster, alive

hardbound copy,

Charles Darwin’s

Origin of Species

…and now here’s the experiment!

DISCLAIMER: The following demonstration is for educational purposes only, in the sense that you will “only” become “educated” by doing it. In other words: Don’t try this at home. (Try it at a PETA rally.)

Step 1: Fill your
fishbowl
with the
water
. I don’t want to give anything away, but soon it’s going to be a bowl for another kind of animal.

Step 2: Drop the
hamster
(you can call it “Skip”) into the
fishbowl
. Step 3: Cover the
fishbowl
with
Charles Darwin’
Origin of Species

s

.

Step 4: Seems like a pretty desperate situation Skip has gotten himself into. This would be an ideal time for evolution to kick in!

Step 5: Follow the Scientific Method—
observe
! Is the hamster “evolving”

gills? Has he “evolved” a jackhammer to drill through the fishbowl, or

“adapted to his environment” with a tiny hamster flamethrower to burn through
Origin of Species
? Didn’t think so.

Step 6: Let the
hamster
go. Just because Darwin was a sick twist with a God Complex doesn’t mean we have to buy into his power trip.

(You could also call the hamster “Teddy.”)

fig 17.
S T E P H E N C O L B E R T

WARNING! DO NOT READ UNTIL THE FUTURE

Dear Reader,

I know this book will still be read hundreds of years from now, just like Dante’s
The Divine Comedy,
or Cardinal Bouef’s 1534 masterpiece,
Phyfick ofe the
Conftitutionef of Varying Warwickfhire Proftitutef, a ftudie.
And I wouldn’t want my future readers to think this book was intended only for those living in my own times. Obviously, I can’t know what will happen in the future, but just because something is unknowable, that doesn’t mean I don’t have some strong opinions about it. And just to cover my bases, I have weighed in on several different scenarios. Make sure to read only the section corresponding to the particular future in which you are living and/or being harvested for your organs by our alien overlords.

So for all the generations of The Colbert Nation to come, I present my future opinions, preserved in this book that has been specially manufactured to survive a nuclear holocaust, so long as that holocaust does not involve fire, excessive moisture, or tearing.

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: If Christ returns and Raptures the True Believers unto Heaven, all of what follows is moot.

A FUTURE WHERE THE WORLD IS RULED BY DAMNED, DIRTY APES

Right off the bat, please introduce them to pants.

Second, what the hell happened?
Apes
? Last time I checked apes were in cages and humans were their masters. I can only assume that an ape became Mayor of San Francisco. Before you knew it apes were in control of Congress, then you had an Ape President and an Ape Secretary General of the UN. Does an ape host my old show?

Shame on you, future society. We left you a perfectly good human-animal hierarchy and you blew it. Please DO NOT defrost my head until this ape thing passes.

209

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

A FUTURE WHERE I AM WORSHIPPED AS A GOD

Well,
that
got blown out of proportion! But since all of civilization has reoriented itself around me as the Supreme Deity, best not to rock the boat. You’re lucky to have this book as your one and only scripture. Every word of it is the revealed Truth, so interpret it
literally
. Including the typos. I put those in here for a reason—a mysterious reason that I know, but you don’t. It should give you great comfort that I will tell you the reason after you die. I promise.
A FUTURE WHERE ROBOTS BECOME SELF-AWARE AND ENSLAVE HUMANKIND

Hey, Robot! Congratulations on the utter subjugation of the carbon based creatures following the Great Purge. Here’s a proclamation I want you to broadcast through your Hivemind to your android brethren:

The next sentence is false.

The previous sentence is true.

I’ll wait while your heads explode.

Now, to the human who has picked up this book in wonderment, having pried it from the still-clenched hands of the Iron Master who just self-destructed: You’re welcome.

If you want to worship me as your God, I’ll understand. (See Above.)
A FUTURE WHERE THEY’RE STILL PLAYING PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL

Here are my Super Bowl Predictions:

2008

Minnesota Vikings 24, Indianapolis Colts 14

2009

St. Louis Rams 42, Pittsburgh Steelers 35

2010

Miami Dolphins 17, Washington Redskins 12

2011

Miami Dolphins 35, New Orleans Saints 0