I am America (and so can you!) (20 page)
Read I am America (and so can you!) Online
Authors: Stephen Colbert,Rich Dahm,Paul Dinello,Allison Silverman
Tags: #United States, #Political culture, #Humor, #Form, #Political, #Television comedies, #General, #Topic, #Television personalities, #Colbert Report (Television program), #Social values, #Political satire; American, #Essays, #American wit and humor
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A C H A N C E F O R AV E R AG E A M E R I C A N S TO A G R E E W I T H W H AT I T H I N K
A lot of senior citizens will tell you that they miss the “good old days.” Not me. I never cared for them much. Besides, what
was so good about them? Between 1918 and 1920, close to 100
million people died of Spanish Flu. Whoopee! Break out the
party hats.
Perhaps these same seniors miss the Great Depression, too.
I know I have fond memories of beating a hobo for scraps of
cantaloupe rind. Ah, if only that bloody bindle could fit in my
Gill Honeycomb,
scrapbook.
the Oldest Man
Oh, and let’s not forget the joy of racism. You wouldn’t
in the World
believe the horrible things they called African-Americans and
the Irish back then. I still can’t eat potato salad without thinking of Eugene O’Neill. No, thank you. I much prefer the present. Things are so much better today. Take medicine. In the old days, you’d go see a doctor and he’d write you a prescription for a carton of Viceroy cigarettes. I lost my beloved Doris to appendicitis because the doctor said her T-zone wasn’t getting enough smooth flavor.
No, the only good thing about the past is that the Chicago Cubs would occasionally win the World Series. But that’s it. Everything else was Nazis and disease. I just thank God I’m alive to see the world today. To see with my own eyes all the wonderful advances in medicine, society, and technology. I’m so lucky that I can enjoy all that the modern world has to offdfjkkzdfjlhgkgfkktdkftfrrkltlilgklffffffffffff fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
(Editor’s Note: We would like to congratulate the new Oldest Man in the World, Nobutane Matsuhara, age 113. Get your thoughts together for the paperback edition, Nobu!)
