I Am Forever (What Kills Me) (15 page)

“Can we go down?” I asked.

“Of course.”

I gathered my gemstone skirt and descended the stairs.

The others lagged behind, perhaps to give Lucas and me privacy, though I knew they could probably hear everything we said. Not far behind them my three guards and a handful of Aramatta positioned themselves on the balcony, like ravens perched on a building ledge.

The lawn shifted and sank under our feet. Walking in the grass with Lucas filled me with emotion; maybe it was the memory of meeting his family in the woods. I released a wistful sigh.

“I’m glad that you didn’t leave,” I said.

“I’m sorry that I wasn’t there.” He shook his head. “I shouldn’t have left you on your own.”

“You know I can take care of myself.” I paused. “Actually, that’s a lie. The Empress jumped in front of me during the attack.”

“Who was it?”

He doesn’t know anything. And I doubted him.
Guilt pinched me.

“Uther said it was a senator who had defected to the rebels.”

“A senator?”

“Yeah, and he threw these stars like a ninja and the Empress used herself as a shield.”

“I should have been there. I should have—”

“Oh my God, I met your brother,” I blurted.

“What?” He stopped and turned to me.

“Your brother Taren was at the ceremony.”

“You saw him?” His jaw went slack in surprise; his pupils darted back and forth over my face.

“Yes. He looks just like you. He was sitting in the first row. Then when the senator tried to use me as his dartboard, everyone in the Amphitheater freaked out and there was a stampede for the doors. Your brother helped me escape.”

“Was he with the Aramatta?”

“He, uh, seemed to lead them. The Empress called him lieutenant general.”

His expression darkened as he digested the information. Abruptly he started walking again, his eyes downcast and unfocused.

I caught up to him. “He has a protective nature like you,” I said, trying to reach him through his inner storm.

“No, he doesn’t. He’s about self-preservation. He only thinks of himself,” he said. “He will be next in line to be the general now. That’s fitting. He’s a clone of the former general. A mindless servant.”

I couldn’t imagine Taren acting like the previous general. I couldn’t imagine ever having to fight him, let alone chop his head off.

“I take it that you’re not interested in seeing him,” I said.

“I suppose I will run into him eventually.”

“So, you’re staying then?” It escaped from my lips sounding more desperate than I had intended.
Smooth, Zee.

He threw a glance over his shoulder. Uther was explaining to Lettie and San that the Monarchy imported the trees from Canada; the hemlocks, he said, were remarkably shade tolerant. He wasn’t looking our way. Lucas leaned into me. “I still stand by what I said.”

“How do you know out there is going to be any better?” I whispered.

“Look what happened tonight.”

“That was a rebel. The ones who are out there. The ones who want to use me to get at the Monarchy.”

“The Monarchy”—he curbed his rising voice—“is using you to get at the rebels.”

“Who are the ones throwing pointy things at my face?”

“You’re being naive.”

“Hey, that’s blasphemy.”

He scowled.

“Sorry. A little Divine humor,” I muttered. “Whose side are you on anyway?”

“I’m not on a side. But obviously you have chosen a side.”

Why aren’t you on my side?

“I just want to protect those that I care about,” I replied. “And I don’t know how to do that out there.”

“Maybe that isn’t your responsibility.”

“Maybe it is now.” I looked back at Uther and Lettie, who had ventured near the shore and were laughing as San took his shoes off to dip his toes into the water. Back on the deck Pavone walked out and waved dramatically, as if she was washing an imaginary window; Brogan was setting glasses filled with blood on a wooden bar.

This is my undead family.

Lucas pointed down at my dress. “Zee, this isn’t you.”

How does he know who I am when I don’t even know? Overnight I became not-me—a scary undead thing that everyone wants to kill—and then suddenly I’m supposed to be this savior.

Lucas is loyal. He understands responsibility. Why doesn’t he understand this?
He wasn’t there tonight. He didn’t see the way the vampires looked at me. He didn’t see how they were devoting themselves to me. How can I turn away from them?
Perhaps this is the way that Taren feels about his duty.

This responsibility was bigger than I might ever be. I had just learned how to protect my own life, and now I had to ensure the lives of everyone else. I didn’t know what to do. But I wanted him to believe in me.

I rubbed my forehead. “I’m doing my best to figure this all out.”

“You forget that they murdered our loved ones.”

“Of course I haven’t forgotten,” I said, imagining Noel. “But we have our own body count too.”

“Dresser Pavone is requesting the Divine’s presence when convenient to change,” Uther called from near the water. San was now swimming fully clothed.

“Okay,” I said.

Neither Lucas nor I moved, unable to leave with so many things waiting to be said. I sucked on my bottom lip and reached for him.

“Let’s go back,” I said, finally, tugging on the edges of his sleeve.

“All right,” he said and pulled free from me. I let him go and watched him walk away.

An hour later the Empress waited for me in a white gazebo at the center of a white room. The sides of the gazebo looked like delicate lace, as if the structure had been built entirely out of doilies. I picked up my dark purple skirt and stepped up into the gazebo.

The Empress, wearing a silky black pantsuit, bowed before we sat at a small, round table, as thin and shiny as a porcelain plate.

When she smiled, I noticed that her lips were pinkish orange and wet, like the flesh of a pink grapefruit.

“The Divine looks well,” she said.

“Thank you.”

“The cleric said that the Divine has settled into her new quarters and enjoyed a relaxing evening with company.”

It had been relaxing, except for Lucas’s coldness after our last conversation. I worried that he was still angry with me. I worried that at any moment he would leave.

“Yes, the room is very comfortable.”

“The Monarchy wanted the Divine to recuperate after the unfortunate event that transpired at the ceremony,” she said.

I self-consciously brushed a stray curl behind my ear. “I never thanked you for protecting me.”

Her eyebrows pulled up. “I have sworn an allegiance. My life belongs to the Divine, and my only purpose is to protect the Divine and the Monarchy.”

“I’m sorry you were injured.”

She smiled. “I’ve endured many wars before this one. This attack was a blink in time.”

Would I feel like that one day? That all of this was but a blink. A single flap of a hummingbird’s wings. A drop of rain in a monsoon.

“What happens to the senator?” I asked.

“He is being interrogated. Eventually he will endure a public execution.”

I pushed a disturbing image of the senator being tortured for information out of my mind.

She continued, “The terrorists want to make this world a dangerous place for the Divine. But we will not let them restrict our freedom. Security around the palace and the Acropolis has been tightened. The Divine need not concern herself about movement around the premises. The Divine is free to move among the population, provided that the guards and soldiers are in accompaniment. As well, the Divine’s chaperone also serves as added security.”

That’s why she made San my chaperone. He’s used to stopping swords with his body; she wants him to be my armor.

“It is my hope that the Divine will continue to serve as a figure of power and strength.”

“How can I do that?”
I’m obviously not up for the job.

“The terrorists abhor our way of life. Therefore we must continue living. We must not show fear or weakness. The Divine’s presence is requested at all of the Monarchy’s sacred rituals and ceremonies.”

I thought she was going to tell me to lay low. To hide in my new room and swim in the fake lake. But she wanted me to be in the public eye. I was stupefied.

“Does the Divine accept?”

I thought of Lucas’s bitter words:
“Maybe that isn’t your responsibility.”

Maybe he’s worried that I can’t do it. And maybe he’s right.

“The Divine is strong,” she said, addressing my hesitation. “She is our pillar.”

I swallowed.

“Will the Divine stand up for us?”

I can do this. I must be able to do this.
“I will,” I said.

“Good,” she said. She sat so immobile and unblinking that when she suddenly bowed, it was like seeing a mannequin nod to life. “We have lost many children recently to war and we must strengthen our ranks. A chosen one will be blessed as a vampire. The creation ritual is this evening, and it will be a remarkable occasion to witness.”

With that, she rose, her hand over her heart. Through the cutouts of the gazebo walls I saw my guards waiting.

“Oh, okay,” I stood up. “I’ll see you soon then.”

She responded with a bow.

“One more thing, Empress? I’d like my friends to call me by my name, please. Would that be possible?”

“We should address the Divine with the deference that she deserves.”

“And I appreciate that, but—”

Seriously, it’s totally weird.

“—at least in private, I’d prefer that they use my name. Even ‘my lady’ is fine.”

“Whatever the Divine wishes shall be.”

The guards and soldiers walked me back to my room, surrounding me like planets orbiting a sun. It was odd not to speak to them, but they acted as if I wasn’t even there.

The soldiers hung back and only the guards continued through the archway and into the lobby with me. I heard the sputter of a dying fire upstairs on the balcony and someone rustling sheets in a nearby room. I gathered my floor-length skirt and climbed the stairs. In the grass near the lake San was practicing martial arts with a wooden sword.

I walked out onto the balcony, kicked off my slippers, and instead of using the stairs, I just stepped off the edge. The two-story free fall invigorated me, and the soft ground absorbed my landing.

“Hey San!”

He straightened up from a crouched position and then bowed, his sword pressed along his spine. “How is the Divine this morning?”

“The Divine finds it super annoying that everyone is referring to her in the third person and wants it to stop.”

“But it is the custom.”

“No, it’s weird. I don’t like it and I’ve asked the Empress for an exemption on behalf of my friends—including hired friends.”

“Well then, what would you like to be called?”

“Just call me Zee.”

San looked puzzled. “Like the letter Z?”

“Yes. That’s what everyone calls me back home.”

“A lady as venerated as you are deserves more than one letter,” he said with a smile. “I fear it would be improper for me to address you so informally.”

“Okay—then what would make you feel more comfortable?”

“What is your given name?”

“Axelia.”

“Like the fish?”

“What?”

“Axelia is a prehistoric species of fish.”

In grade school the boys used to call me “Fish Face” because of this factoid, and because my eyes and lips seemed too big for my smallish, little-girl face.

“Yes, like the fish,” I said flatly.

“Well, I will call you Lady Axelia,” he said with a deep bend, putting his nose to his knees. “A beautiful name for the beautiful Divine.”

“May I keep calling you San?”

“You may call me whatever you desire, my lady.”

Everyone was telling me to do what I wanted. Everyone except Lucas.

“Where is Lucas?” I asked.

“The swordsmith has turned in for the day to rest.”

He’s probably just trying to avoid me.