I am HER... (41 page)

 
Now, I’m sobbing loudly.  I’m so scared he’s leaving me now.  Fuck!  I am such an idiot.  Everyone was right.  I
am
a moron!

 
Falling to my knees on the floor again, I wrap my arms around Z’s waist.  Resting my head on his thighs, I can’t help but sob uncontrollably.  When Z starts stroking my hair gently, I cry even louder.  No one has ever been kind to me before, AND I’VE RUINED IT!
  "Z isn't mad at you, Sweetheart.  Z cares about you very much, and he's not leaving you.  Are you Z?"

 
But there’s still more silence.  Is Z shaking again?  I think I feel the bed moving.
  "No... I'm not leaving you," he says in a quiet gravelly voice.  He sounds really sad now.
  "I'm sorry I made you sad.  I'm just going to go to the bathroom okay?  I'll just be a minute and when I come back I'll do anything you want.  I won't ruin anything ever again, I promise."
  Standing, I make my way against the wall to the bathroom.  Everything is still blurry shapes but I can see enough to know where I'm going.  When Mack starts following me, I panic.  Where’s Z?  Looking I see him still on the bed, with his head hanging in his hands. 
  "I've ruined everything, haven't I, sir?  I always do..."  I whisper.
  Mack whispers back, "Z still cares for you very much, I promise.  You haven't ruined anything.  I just want to freshen up, while you use the bathroom.  Nothing’s wrong, at all."

 
It’s a little weird, I mean,
jeez
, can't I have any privacy... but whatever.  I promised I would do anything to make Z not mad at me anymore, so I have to let Mack follow me.
  In the bathroom, I walk behind the little glass privacy blocks and start peeing.  Mack also runs the water, just like Z did.  Z was so nice to me.  He always did nice things.  I didn't even have to ever ask him, he just knew and did them.  I'm going to miss him very much.  
   I feel my tears falling on my thighs.  Christ!  I'm naked again.  For someone who hates her gross body, I seem to be naked...
a lot.
  I feel kind of dirty and used up, too.

 
“
Um, excuse me, sir, but what time is it?"
  “It’s a little after 10am.  Are you okay?  You sound like you're crying over there, and you've been there for a while now. Can I help you at all
?
”
 
"No, thank you.  You’re nice like Z was.  I wish I could keep him, you know?  I was trying so hard to be good for him.  I wanted to make him happy.  I didn't want to disappoint him, too.  But I failed again, I think."
  "You didn't fail anyone.  You’re a very good girl, and Z is
very
proud of you."

 
Yeah, right.  He is just saying the pretty words I used to want to hear.  But now I know.  I’ve always known the truth.  Everyone just always thought I was too stupid to know, but I always did.  I remember that now.  I remember knowing they were just pretty words when I disappointed them.
  "Can I have a bath, sir?  I would really like to wash all the dirt off.  I feel kind of gross.  Please?"
  "Yes, of course. Would you like Z to come in, or would you mind if I stay with you?"
  "Um, no offense... But I'd like Z, if he still wants to look at me, but I don't think he does."

                             
        ==========

  When Mack leaves the bathroom, I feel my way to the sink to wash my hands.  When the water is off I can hear Z and Mack talking about me.  Z sounds really angry.  He's yelling at Mack, and I hear my name again. 
Shit.
  He's talking about 'Peter' and 'disgusting', and 'ugly', and 'a fucking pig', and 'lies', and 'hate', and 'remembering', and 'photos', and...
ME
. 
  Oh, god, this is too much.  I knew I was disgusting and ugly.  I knew he would hate me eventually.
I knew it
.  I knew Z would hate me soon.  It's time for me to leave.  I have to take a deep breath.

 
This isn’t a shock.  I knew it would come.  I knew it was
always
going to come.  Z would know and he would hate me, and now he knows and he
does
hate me.  It’s all over.  My special time with Z is over and he’s going to give me back to them for use.
  Opening the cabinet, I see my freedom from all this pain and sadness.  I don't know what, and I don't care.  I can't read them anyway because my eyes are still too blurry.  Hiding the pills in the towel beside the tub, I start the water and jump in before they can see me.

 
Using the faucet for water, I empty the pills into my hand, use the Jacuzzi tap and drink down everything.  Christ, there was a lot.  It was hard to swallow, but I did it.  I did something right,
for once
.

 
Hiding the bottle again in a towel, it’s done and finally I can relax.  Finally, I can exhale.  Finally, it will all be over soon.  Z won’t have to send me back to them, and I’ll be free of all of them, and then we’ll all be happy.

                                
==========

  When Z enters the bathroom minutes later, he asks, "How are you feeling?"
  "Fine.  Thank you, Mr. Zinfandel.  I really am sorry to have caused you all this trouble.  But it will be over soon.  I'm really, very sorry." I think I saw Z flinch again.
  "Why did you just call me that, Sweetheart?"  He asks while walking to the side of the Jacuzzi, kneeling on the little step, placing his forearms on the edge.
  "It's nothing.  I'm sorry...
Z.
  I won't slip again.  Please, can I just be alone now?"
  "But I want to be here with you, love.  So does Mack.  He's waiting outside the door to talk with you again.  Is that okay?"
  "Not really.  I just want to sit here quietly for a while in private.  Okay?"
  "No, Sweetheart.  I really want to be here with you.  You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to.  But I need to be near you.  You are very beautiful and good… Do you know that?"

 
"I don't think so.  And please don't lie to me anymore.  I don't lie to you... Well,
not really
."
  "I'm not lying to you." 
  "Oh, shut up! 
Okay?!
  Of course you're lying.  I am NOT
good
.  And I am NOT beautiful.  You're just bullshitting me until I trust you, so it’s more fun for you to fuck with my head later.  Just leave me the fuck alone!  You're just like them!  All of them!  You all think I'm so fucking stupid.  You think pretty words
fool
me, well, THEY DON'T!  I'm not a fucking moron. 
I never was!
  I just pretend to be, because it's what everyone wanted me to be... A stupid, slutty, cock-sucking moron, who always does as she's told!  FUCK!  Just give me some privacy, okay?"
  Looking in the doorway, I see the shape of Mack.  "Oh, and here's the other one.  Do you like looking?  Does it turn you on to see the ugly, scarred up naked chick?  Do you like looking at my pussy or something?  Fuck!  Just fuck me already, or FUCK
OFF!
  I would like some mother-fucking privacy.  Why won't you both just leave me the fuck alone?!"  Gasp. 
Shit.
  Not now. 
Please...
  "Sweetheart.  Breathe slowly with me... come on.  I want you to calm down, and take a deep breath with me."
  "Z... Please?  Just leave... me alone.  I know you th-think I'm a fucking pig, and a disgusting whore.  I know.  I know what you
really
think about me.  I heard you, and it's okay, ‘cause I know it's true.  So please leave me alone now.  Just go- go away."
  "I'm not leaving you, and I DO NOT think you’re..."

 
LIES!!  And then I just feel myself SNAP!
  Jumping at Z, I start slapping his face and punching his chest.  I claw at his face and try to bite him.  Mack suddenly grabs at me with Z.  They’re restraining me.  My hands are held.  My head is held still.  Z is yelling, and Mack is yelling.  I hear ’stop'.  I hear 'Sweetheart'.  There is so much noise and water, and noise and anger, and noise and desperation. 
I’m
desperate.  I
need
silence again.
  After screaming in their faces, I abruptly stop, and everything else suddenly stops as well.  Total silence,
thank god.

 
Z is breathing hard, and Mack is covered in water.  Oh, my vision is back.  Nothing is blurry anymore.  I can see now. 
Yay me!
 
   Mack is looking a little shocked by me.  Mack even has water dripping from his chin.  Oh, how funny.  I can’t help but burst with laughter again.
  "Wow.  I'm sorry.  If I told you I've never hit anyone before, would you believe me Mack?"

 
But its Z who answers.  "No.  Not really.  You're kind of a natural, Sweetheart.  You have quite the right-hook."
  Looking at Z, I'm shocked.  He is bleeding, and shaking, and covered in water and blood, and his shirt is torn at the collar.  What did I do?  What the
FUCK
did I DO?!

 
"Oh, my GOD!  I’m so sorry Z.  I didn't mean to, but you wouldn't leave.  I didn't know what to do.  You wouldn't listen to me.  No one listens to me because I’m invisible.  I'm always invisible..."

 
Gasping, my whole body begins sobbing.  He looks terrible.  I did that to him.  I. Did. That!  He is nice and good, and I tried to destroy him.

 
"I destroyed you.  You were the first good thing ever, and I destroyed you.  I hope you can forgive me one day.  It won't be long now.  It will be over soon, and I'll be gone.  I hope then you’ll forgive me."
  "You're not leaving New York, or me, anytime soon.  And there’s nothing to forgive.  I should have listened to you, Sweetheart.  You are NOT invisible, and I should have listened to you. I just wanted to spend more time with you, because I
like
spending time with you.  I don’t think you’re bad or disgusting, or anything else, other than a wonderful woman who I want to spend more time with.  That's all.  Please don't cry.  Mack and I are going to help you get better. And then you won't feel invisible anymore.  I promise."
  Z actually has tears in his eyes.  I can't believe it.  This beautiful, successful, kind man has tears in his eyes.  Tears
for
me? Or tears
because
of me?

 
This is the worst feeling I've ever experienced in my life.  This sadness is oppressive in its strength.  Everything hurts again.  I can’t believe the depth of the despair I feel.  This feeling is so powerful, there’s nothing left of me that doesn’t ache with the intensity of this despair.
  "Please Mack... help Z.  He needs help.  I'm not good for him, and he is so good, he needs to feel happy again.  Please help him feel happy.  I want to know he’s happy when I leave him. 
Please..."
  "Z
IS
happy with you. 
YOU
make him happy, but we want to help you feel happiness too.  Would you let us?  We could go to my office and talk some more, maybe take some medicine to calm you a little.  Would you let us take you from here, just for a little bit?"
  "Oh!  Of course.  How embarrassing.  I'm sorry I stayed so long, Z.  You could have just asked me to leave.  I would have.  I would have gone back to them.  I'm sorry you had to ask your friend to get me out of your life."

 
And shaking his head, Z replies sadly, "That isn't what Mack is asking.  He wants you to come to his office
with
me.  I'm not leaving you.  And I don’t want you out of my life for good. I don’t want you out of my life at all, unless you tell me otherwise, I promise."

                                    ==========

  Reaching out my hand, I touch Z's cheek.  Wiping away the blood, he leans his face into my palm.

 
Has anything ever hurt me like this before?  Has there ever been a greater pain in my life?  I don't remember feeling this much pain, ever.  It's everywhere.  It's in my skin, and in my bones, and its inside me,
everywhere.
  My heart aches with this pain.  I can feel nothing but this intense agony as I look into his eyes.  I'm going to leave feeling only this agony,
forever.
  Whispering, I breath into his mouth, "I'm so sorry, Z.  I wish I didn't cause you any of this.  I don't want you to feel any of this, anymore."  As my tears fall, I continue, "Please know that I will always hold your memory with me when I'm gone, and I hope you will at least remember that I
wanted
to be good for you.  I think I love you, and I want you to know that I’ve never felt this way before.  Please remember me as I
wanted
to be when I'm gone, not as I
actually
was for you."
  Sighing my sadness into him, I gently kiss his lips.  I will remember this moment for eternity.