I Am What I Am (39 page)

14
Actually, she yelled. Clare can’t whisper to save herself.

CHAPTER TEN

1
Especially Canadian Tire.

2
Not mine!

3
Both shows are incredibly popular in Canada.

4
Don’t know what came over me. Never done that before.

5
She’d come to Toronto from Milwaukee to spend the weekend.

6
Thanks, Mel!

7
I’m a businessman too, you know.

8
And Clare didn’t have anything to do with it.

9
Who knows when they were planning to tell us?

TABLE TALK #7

1
Anyone reading this not a fan? What’s wrong with you?

2
Again. I never tire of it.

3
You don’t want to know what Scott was calling me at this point. He was already in the cinema lobby.

4
And I don’t mean children and candyfloss.

5
Especially mine …

6
I know – that’s how mad and scared I was.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

1
Okay, that’s my word. Hers were ‘really stupid thing to do and don’t ever do such a stupid, stupid thing again’.

2
They probably had a few, but this was the one we heard about.

3
And sometimes make other naughty gestures.

4
No doubt in our minds that the belts saved them.

5
Duh!

6
For readers, like, over, like, thirty, this means, like, ‘best friends forever’.

7
Always in moderation …

8
For full impact later, you’ve gotta have the chili
and
beans.

9
Check out
Anything Goes
for more details on my school experiences.

10
‘Danger! Will Robinson’ – maximum testosterone emissions for the next few paragraphs.

11
Lotus suspension is not a yoga move.

12
I’ve watched this movie a gazillion times.

13
Tucked under the windshield.

14
This year was also known as ‘Barrowmans’ Excellent Adventure’, and marked our first escapades in the US prior to our emigration there in 1976.

15
At least among the five-year-olds on the street.

16
I know. Hard to believe.

17
Scott loves to help the satnav lady.

18
All four, thankfully!

19
I hope you never have to discover this for yourself.

20
A little …

21
Love that feeling!

22
I think we may have left Coco at the Hub.

23
One sheep, and, if he was lucky, maybe a single, slim shepherd.

24
A crew member probably drives them into the TARDIS and then they’re gone forever.

25
Henry Ford.

26
After swearing a few times into the camera.

27
Even at forty-two, I’m still her baby.

TABLE TALK #8

1
Or maybe it’s a gay old saying?

2
I have enough to open a Pets R Us.

3
Actually, she was a lot leaky, poor thing.

4
Lewis was her son. She had a total of eight puppies in her lifetime.

5
I still kid him about this.

6
Charlie is very sensitive. He’s our gay dog.

7
Though not quite so hilarious for Carole, who kept getting slightly mauled at every turn.

CHAPTER TWELVE

1
I love liver. Especially sautéed with onions. Yum.

2
Unlike me, I know.

3
Bless. He had no idea.

4
Another biblical allusion, anyone?

5
To wear.

6
To say nothing of my arse.

7
Or womb?

8
Cheeky!

9
Oops.

10
Did you notice that the wide tracking shot of the warehouse at the end of this scene mirrors the famous shot of the Atlanta railway station in
Gone with the Wind
? Loved that, Euros!

11
A place I adore.

12
Just had a fan-gasm!

13
You’d have to be dead not to.

14
She’s a huge Dolly Parton fan.

15
Who, dear? Me, dear? Love a bit of sparkle, dear? Yes, dear. Thank you, dear!

16
He didn’t actually vanish. He took the elevator.

17
Not the TARDIS.

18
Only great things can come from that.

19
Known as Alice – like Jack’s daughter in ‘Children of Earth’.

20
Pithy, pointed, and with a little pizzazz.

21
According to Carole, that’s called being middle-aged. I’ve cut off her Malteser supply. See how you like that, Miss ‘You’re Older Than Me’.

22
All the better for muffling your screams of boredom.

23
You know who I’m talking about.

24
Not telling …

25
Oh, the sacrifice.

TABLE TALK #9

1
Or is it ‘things’, plural?

2
Whether man or woman, the ‘checking out a hottie’ rules are the same.

3
You don’t know – this may have been a nickname on Planet Ork.

4
No connection at all to the Olivia-Patricia-Alison Gav.

5
I’m a grown man. I’d never call him ‘Gavin’ just for fun.

6
For JB.

7
Well, wouldn’t you rather be ‘Big John’ than ‘Wee John’?

8
His family nickname because his brother couldn’t pronounce ‘Donald’.

9
This is an American tradition: the groom’s parents host a meal for the wedding party the night before the nuptials.

10
Children, I was severely punished every time I did this.

11
Clare and I also name all her handbags – gay uncle, remember? – but those would take up a whole section of their own.

12
If I shared, well, it wouldn’t be our secret anymore, would it?

13
Of the Denver Carringtons.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

1
On my last trip, I took
30 Rock
and
Entourage

2
On my last trip, I took Joe Hill’s
Heart-Shaped Box
.

3
So he’s an odd Easter Cat.

4
Well, we’re not walking …

5
Perhaps we’d call it
Wheeling in the Park
;
Rolling in the Park
sounds too much like a porn flick.

6
And not in a good way.

7
Don’t tell Scott, but I think our real dogs may have chewed and destroyed the Easter Dog.

8
Ah, isn’t that, um, romantic?

9
It was too late to stop the two uncles and the sister already inside.

10
Which were not the same at all.

11
It’s not because I’m controlling. Not me.

12
Pretty much everyone wanted dollars.

13
Okay … sucker.

14
Swim out far enough, and you don’t need reservations to let a shark gnaw on your flesh.

15
Certainly not.

16
That would be the TARDIS.

17
Plus, I think the whole hanging-in-the-air bit of the trick tends to make you an easy target.

18
Really, Mum, it was.

19
Who are you and what have you done with John?

20
A delicious blend of vodka, Irish cream and Kahlúa.

21
And Scott.

22
And Miss Gill’s …

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

1
Guess what his ancestors did …

2
Can’t help it. Love watching disaster docs and aircraft-crash investigations.

3
I’m sure he bagged plenty.

4
Mostly from my mum.

5
Mostly from all of us.

6
This sentence could have come out all wrong.

7
Aka porn.

8
Really, they did. Kinda creepy ones, too. Like
Wizard of Oz
monkeys.

9
Not going to be your best day.

10
I’m having T-shirts made.

11
An aisle in Costco or a Ralph Lauren store.

12
Distracting myself – not reading
Frog and Toad
.

13
Definitely need to have those T-shirts made.

14
For now …

15
I made that sound like I was squatting for a few months. Sorry, Mum.

16
Yeah, again, YouTube!

17
Love the flag, the outfits, the secret handshake, the motto …

18
Seriously, what the hell does that mean? And don’t you want to see that performance?

19
As a sledgehammer (and not Scott’s).

20
That’s my girl!

21
They really did – most sincerely.

TABLE TALK #10

1
Oh, he knows me so well.

2
In fact, I don’t think I’ve told one single farting story.

3
You’re a taxi! (Sorry … couldn’t resist.)

4
Or, as Clare calls them, ‘muffin tops’.

5
Love those disaster docs!

6
Doesn’t have anything to do with sex, Turner.

7
Early forties. Very early forties.

8
Sorry – that’s my last sexual reference … maybe.

9
Stealing.

10
It’s not a hang-up or a neurosis, thank you very much.

11
Loved the show!