I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell (33 page)
Read I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell Online
Authors: Tucker Max
This girl I was kinda seeing worked in a financial services office. On Fridays she had the office all to herself, and once I went in to see her. I tried to get her to fuck me on her boss's desk, that was a no go. On the conference table, no go. In the kitchenette, still a no go.
I can't figure out what her problem is (we'd had plenty of sex before), so I try being nice and start making out. I put my hands down her pants and massage her c1it, and she likes it at first but then squirms away, "No, not now."
Getting frustrated, I take my finger which I can feel is covered with her juice, and rub it across her lips, just intending to tease her ... OH SHIT!
Right across her lips and teeth is a huge red stain! Now it makes sense. Tucker "Are you on the rag? Is that why you won't hook up?" Girl "Yeah. I hate to say it, it's embarrassing. How'd you know?" I just kinda raised my eyebrows ... and she licked her lips ... and I wished I had a camera to record the look of shock and embarrassment as she tasted the blood on her tongue. She immediately ran off to the bathroom. I was washing my hands in the kitchenette when she
rushed back in:
"You aren't going to write about this are you?"
These are some funny quotes or bits of dialogue that are sexually related or happened while in bed, but that didn't occur in the middle of a larger story .
- This happened with a girl I had been seeing for like two weeks
:
Girl "Do you love me?
"
Tucker "I don't understand the question.
" - From a girl who had obvious issues with sex
:
Girl "OK, I want you to take your wee-wee and put it on my dirty spot.
"
Tucker "What did you just say?
"
Girl 'Take your wee-wee and put it into my dirty spot.
"
Tucker "What is this, Sesame Street foreplay?
" - This from a girl who, for some reason, thought we were exclusive
.
She didn't get that idea from me
:
Girl "Why didn't you shave. You know I hate stubble.
"
Tucker "Oh sorry, I forgot that you were the one who liked me to b
e
shaven.
"
Girl "I'M THE ONE WHO LIKES YOU TO BE SHAVEN!!! HO
W
MANY GIRLS ARE YOU FUCKING??
"
Tucker "Maybe we haven't met: Hi, my name is Tucker Max. You'v
e
seen my website. In fact, that's how we met.
" - A similar exchange, with a different girl, that nearly ended th
e
fuckbuddy relationship
:
Tucker "Do you like girls?
"
Girl "You ask me that every time I see you.
"
Tucker "I forget who answers yes and who answers no.
"
Girl "I don't know why I keep fucking you.
"
Tucker "Because I am awesome and you can't help yourself.
"
Girl "You know, I used to have self-esteem before I met you.
"
Tucker 'That's what they all say.
" - Five minutes later with the same girl
:
Girl "What is your favorite sexual technique?
"
Tucker "Well, I'm not sure. Probably where I pretend like she isn'
t
there, get off as fast as possible, and then she does my laundry
,
cleans, and then leaves immediately afterwards.
" - This was with a total random I picked up at the grocery store. W
e
went home and, with her groceries still in the car, start hooking up
.
Before we begin sex, she let this out
: - "Don't worry about putting a condom on. I'm already pregnant."
- This one was really depressing. I wish she had told me beforehand
:
"You are the first guy I've slept with since I was raped. Thanks fo
r
being gentle.
" - I was fucking this one girl with music on. I hadn't put anything o
n
intentionally
,
it was just some mix CD I happened to have in. We ar
e
mid-coitus, and a Ludacris song comes on
:
Girl "Can you please change the song?
"
Tucker "Why?
"
Girl "Well ... I fucked one of Luda's roadies to get back stage, but
I
never even got to meet him. I am kinda bitter.
" - With a girl whose friend I had fucked
:
Girl "You aren't anywhere near as good as [her friend] said you were.
"
Tucker "Well with her I actually tried. I liked her.
"
The University of Chicago requires that students take a year of a foreig
n
language in order to graduate, so I took American Sign Language
.
Our teacher got to like our class, so she invited us to som
e
deaf events in Chicago
.
The first one we went to was a dance at a bar that some dea
f
organization had rented out. We get there a little late and when w
e
walked in the foyer even though I could hear the music I couldn't hea
r
any voices so I thought it'd be empty, but instead the place was filled wit
h
like 100 deaf people. I heard nothing except the clink of glasses an
d
some random grunting-everyone was furiously signing to each other. I
t
was kinda spooky
.
I was introduced to a girl who had just won the Miss Deaf Australi
a
pageant. She was really pretty and thought that my retarded 4th grad
e
sign language ability was cute. After about twenty minutes of trying t
o
sign and getting frustrated, I asked her to dance, figuring I had to b
e
better at that than her; after all, she can't even hear the music. Tha
t
was another mistake. She was an awesome dancer. The deaf peopl
e
picked this club because it had a great sound system, and they danc
e
by feeling the music. Most of them are really good, way better tha
n
me. Well, so much for that
.
She ended up liking me anyway, despite the fact that I couldn't sign o
r
dance, and we went on a few dates, and ended up having sex on th
e
third date.
I start kinda slow with her, but I can tell almost immediately that she is freaky, so I get freaky with her. She is kinda grunting a little, but nothing all that unusual, until she starts to come.
"AAARRRRRRRRRRHRHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGG GGHHHHHH"
I got so scared I almost went limp. You have not heard a girl scream during sex until you've heard a deaf girl come. It was literally like a cross between a retard scream and the noise a horse makes when it's being slaughtered. I have never heard a more guttural expression of climax in my life.
Sex with her was great, but the rest of the relationship kinda sucked. Not being able to communicate is cute at first, but gets real annoying when you just want to stay in and watch The Sopranos but your TV doesn't have subtitles and the deaf girl gets bored.
One instance made it clear we had to break up. We were in my apartment having sex, and it was a particularly intense session, when all of the sudden there was a loud knock on the door. I got dressed and opened the door to find a cop standing there: Cop "Sir please step back, we could hear the screaming and have reason to believe there is criminal activity going on here." The naked deaf girl in my bedroom was all it took to send the cops out of my apartment in tears from laughing so hard.
Where and how I met this girl is not important. Why I hooked up with her, and what happened the next morning is not even worthy of a story. What she looks like is immaterial (if you care, she looks a lot like the red-head daughter in Six Feet Under). All you need to know for this story are three things:
- I was at a house party in Chicago that was catered by a Mexican restaurant.
- I was very, very drunk at this party, and at one point, I ate several of these super-hot jalapeno peppers that Mexican restaurants like to serve, the kind that aren't cut up and pickled.
- It was at this party that I met the girl who eventually came back to my place with me.
Once at my place, we eventually got down to business. I started playin
g
with her vagina, fingering her and what not when all of the sudde
n
she abruptly stopped me, pulled my hand away from her crotch, an
d
asked
:
Girl "Did you eat any of those hot peppers tonight?
"
Tucker "Yeah, I had a few.
"
Girl "Oh no ... oh no, Oh my GOD! Holy shit, holy shit-IT'S BURNING!!
"
She jumped out of my bed, ran into my bathroom and immediately go
t
into the shower
.
I was still very drunk, so this confused me. I walked to the door an
d
yelled through it
,
"Are you okay? What's wrong?
"
She yelled back over the din of the water, "Did you wash your hand
s
after you ate those peppers?
"
At this I figured out what the problem was, and immediately erupte
d
into hysterical laughter. I was laughing so hard I could hardly breathe
.
Then I remember what it was like to have my crotch on fire fro
m
capsaicin (remember the Foxfield story?), and calmed down a bit, thoug
h
I was still laughing
.
She yelled through the door, "Shut up! This isn't funny, you jerk! Thi
s
better not show up in a book!
"
Karma being the bitch that she is, my activities always eventually catch up to me. The summer before I started law school, I was seeing a girl in Miami named "Courtney." She was incredibly hot-one of those girls you have a physical reaction to as soon as you see her. One time we were fucking doggy style, incredible sex, and right as I was about to cum I pulled back too far and my dick came out. I didn't realize it, and as I thrust forward again, instead of going back into her vagina my dick stuck in her ass crack (NOT into her asshole, but her crack, between her butt cheeks, like a hot dog in a bun ... sort of). I was leaning over her, my face directly above the back of her head, and I looked down at my dick right as I hit climax ... and shot nut INTO MY OWN EYE.
A direct hit, right into my wide-open eye. I didn't even see it coming ... literally.
Almost immediately, I developed a personal appreciation for how
much cum stings. That shit BURNED. It took me a minute to wash it out, but the sting, and the redness, stayed for a good 4 or 5 hours. Fuck you, karma.
F
REFLECTION; ENDS POORL
Y
One random Friday I was sitting in my Chicago apartment drinking
a
beer and watching TV. Around 7, my phone rang. It was "Karen," on
e
of my booty calls at the time. It was early so I was kinda confused; w
e
normally never called each other until at least midnight, even o
n
weekdays
:
Tucker "You drunk already?
"
Karen "Hehe. No baby. What are you up to right now?
"
Tucker "Nothing. Watching Morimoto make some crazy mushroo
m
creme brulee. Battle Porcini on Iron Chef
"
Karen "Uhhh, OK. Well ... I am going on some silly blind date tonigh
t
that my friend set me up on . , . but I was wondering if I could swing b
y
your place and get a protein shake first.
"
Very nice. Karen is obviously making an attempt to move up fro
m
Irregular Booty Call to Head Dick Sucker
.
Tucker "Yeah, sure. Just come on by. I'll be here.
"
Karen "Cool. I'll see you soon.
"
Tucker "Hey baby-bring some beer.
"
Not even ten minutes later, she rolled into my place ... with a 12 pac
k
of Miller Light. Karen's going to have to learn the difference betwee
n
good beer and watered down horse piss if she wants to move up in m
y
Ho Hierarchy
.
She got right down to business because her date started in less tha
n
30 minutes. I kept watching the Iron Chef, because come on, Morimota i
s
a genius. Plus, I've already seen the show Karen was puttin
g
on. It's really good, but it's been in syndication for months; you don'
t
really need to pay attention until the ending
.
I wasn't supposed to meet my friends until 10, so when she left aroun
d
8 I just kept drinking at my place. I started thinking about how fuckin
g
cool it was that I had a girl coming over to my place to suck me off befor
e
she went out on a date. I may not be Hugh Heffner, but I doub
t
many guys pull something like that off on a regular basis.
Then I started feeling bad for her date. This poor schmuck had no idea that the girl whose chair he was pulling out and buying dinner for and being nice to had her lips wrapped around my cock not even an hour earlier. God forbid if this poor dude kisses her good night. I wonder if it'll cross his mind that even with beer breath, her mouth shouldn't taste that salty.
But in a way, I didn't feel that bad for him. You can't make a ho into a housewife, and when you take one out on a date, you aren't helping your chances. I guess some guys never learn.
Of course, he had no idea what she was like; after all, that was the whole point of the date. I guess it just goes to show, you never really can tell ... OH SHIT!! HOW MANY GIRLS HAVE DONE THIS TO ME??
I shot up from the couch in shock, spilling beer all over myself. Has this ever happened to me? Have I ever been the sucker that took a girl out after she bought beer for another guy and then blew him? Oh.My.God-it has to have happened to me. HAS TO. I've been out with so many women, there is just about no way that this hasn't happened to me. And considering the moral turpitude of many of the girls I've hooked up with-suspect at best, wretched prostitute at worst-it is damn near certain that I've been That Guy at least once. I mean, if Karen does this for me, why not for other guys too? I am pretty fucking cool, but there are other cool guys in the world besides me (or so my friends tell me). Plus, it's not like I've always known what I now know about women. I could have easily been the sucker many times in the past.
And why stop at dick sucking? How many girls have I slept with that were with other guys the same day as me? Or went from another guy right to me? Without even cleaning up? I wouldn't even know, would I? HOW? HOW THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW? There is no way I could tell, short of smelling the semen on her breath. Would I even smell it? Smell it-WHAT ABOUT TASTE IT?
Oh dear merciful God ... please tell me that I haven't tasted it. I need to go vomit. My entire worldview was immediately and permanently altered. It was like the first time you turn on a black light in a hotel room and see cum stains covering every surface: For better or worse, your world is never the same.
I stomped around my apartment for two hours until I met my friend
s
out. I explained the whole situation to them and they laughed, mad
e
fun of me, and told me to get over it. I wasn't having it
:
Tucker "How can you be so cavalier about this? I can't be hooking u
p
with seconds THE SAME DAY. That's for losers and douche bags
,
NOT Tucker Max!
"
Friend "Apparently not, Sloppy Joe.
"
Tucker "Aren't you the comedian.
"
Friend "Tucker, haven't you done this to girls before? You know
,
fucked one in the morning, then gone out and picked up another an
d
fucked her?
"
Tucker "SO WHAT? IT'S DIFFERENT!
"
Friend "How?
"
Tucker "BECAUSE IT'S ME!
"
Friend "Wait-didn't you just get YOUR dick sucked tonight? And no
w
you're out trying to get laid?
"
Tucker "FUCK YOU!!
"
Friend "Dude, it's happened to all of us, and we've all done it to others
.
Women are women, men are men. This happens to everyone.
"
Tucker "FUCK THAT. I AM TUCKER MAX. I AM BETTER THAN AL
L
OF YOU. THIS SHIT DOES NOT HAPPEN TO ME!
"
Friend "Oh man; is it going to be one of those nights?
"
I drank, and drank, and drank, yet I was still unable to drown th
e
thought that I'd been totally played by multiple women, and I didn'
t
even know which ones had done it to me
.
That might have been the worst part-not knowing. Well, that and th
e
prospect that I have at some point kissed a girl who still had seme
n
caked to her teeth from 45 minutes ago. I know of at least on
e
exgirlfriend that cheated on me, but we were long distance and I fucke
d
more than Caligula when I was dating her, so I wasn't pissed abou
t
that. But what about all those girls I thought were all wrapped up i
n
me? How many of them fucked other people behind my back
?
What also fucked me up was that women were doing the same thin
g
to me that I was doing to them, except I didn't even know they wer
e
doing it. For the entirety of my life up to that point I thought I had th
e
upper hand, that I was the player and not the playee when in fact,
I
was possibly just another chump. The illusion of control was shattered
.
Needless to say, this little revelation colored my perspective fo
r
the rest of the night. If by "colored my perspective," I mean "totally an
d
irreversibly fucked me up beyond all repair.
"
Sometimes, too much to drink is still not enough. I needed therapy t
o
bury my anxiety, and alcohol was going to be my counselor. Ye
s
friends, this was going to be one of "those" nights
.
At the first bar, I went around quizzing girls about how often this sort o
f
thing happens: Tucker "Let me ask you a question: Have you eve
r
sucked off one guy, then went on a date with another guy right after
?
Like that same night
?
Or fucked another guy right after you blew a different guy, but withou
t
telling the second one?" Girl "EXCUSE ME?" Tucker "Don't play coy wit
h
me." As you can imagine, this made me very popular with the ladies
.
At bar two, I ordered at least three rounds of shots in the first te
n
minutes. I kept making toasts like this one
:
"Roses are red
,
Violets are blue
,
The bitch gave me head
,
And some other guy too.
"
My toasts to cuckoldry got the attention of a group of girls, and the
y
came over to talk to us. My friends, who had not yet consigned all th
e
women of earth to a fiery death and eternal damnation, made up
a
story about me to explain my behavior. They told the girls that I ha
d
just broken up with my girlfriend who I was in love with and to not pa
y
attention to anything I said. It was my first night out and I was bitte
r
and mean. I helped enforce this lie with the toast I gave to the nex
t
round of shots
:
"This shot feels so good, this shot feels so right
,
I can't believe she blew me and another guy tonight
.
To drown my pain, I bought this drink at the store
,
Because let's face it: All women are whores.
"
Greased by the bullshit story that I had been dumped, the girls actuall
y
thought that I was funny. One of them tried to console me by switchin
g
the subject to music. I told her I was a country music fan, which is no
t
even remotely true
.
Girl "Really! I like to make up my own lyrics to country music songs
.
Like, you know that one song, 'Let's Get Drunk and Screw?' I like t
o
pretend the lyrics are 'Let's Wait in Line for Shoes.'
"
Tucker [I stare blankly at her for a good ten seconds
]
Girl [Still trying to be cheery] "Isn't that funny?
"
Tucker "You are making me stupider.
"
Girl "What!?!?
"
Tucker [Wait for it ... wait for it ... ] "I bet you've sucked miles of dick.
"
She immediately turned away and as she walked off stuttered, "You're
,
you're ... a JERK!
"
Tucker "Have another shot? DON'T MIND IF I DO!
"
That pretty much sealed our fate at bar two. Bar three presented som
e
ample targets, but I was still too head-fucked to do anything, so m
y
friends planted me at a table and went looking for girls on their own
.
After about three seconds, I got bored and started wandering around
.
I snatched some pink drink off the bar as the girl who owned it looke
d
the other way, took a sip, and immediately spit it out. A girl on the othe
r
side of me used this to initiate conversation
:
Girl "Gross?
"
Tucker "Yeah, it tastes like ass.
"
Girl "I like ass.
"
Tucker "What's your name?
"
Had it been any other night, I would have turned this little gem into
a
'tongue up my ass' crack. Not tonight. Tonight, it was only a matter o
f
time before I fucked it up
.
Tucker "But be honest-would you ever eat out one guy's ass an
d
then kiss another guy the same Day?
"
And I'm spent
.
My friends were doing well with this one group of girls and looked to b
e
on the way to hook-up victory ...untill decided that I wanted to hear th
e
sound of breaking glass, and we all got kicked out
.
We ended up going to a late night club. When we got there, I was s
o
drunk the bouncer almost didn't let me in. My last clear memory is m
y
friend grabbing me at the bar after I ordered a double something, an
d
trying to calm me down
:
