I Kissed Dating Goodbye (17 page)

"You don't date? what are You, nuts?" 155

of your own life. We need to respect people's prerogative to disagree with us and hope that our own example will in some way draw them closer to obedience to God.

scene three: sunday afternoon dilemma The Taylor family prided itself on being the last to leave the church each Sunday. Their oldest son, Paul, had long since given up trying to hurry his mom and dad. So as his parents talked happily with another couple, Paul excused himself and wandered into the church parking lot, where he spotted a cluster of his friends standing by their cars.

"Hey, Paul!" a female voice called out. It was Alisha Johnson.

Alisha was new at Preston Valley Bible Church, but she had quickly gotten to know the kids in the youth group. She was outgoing, energetic, and in the words of more than one guy at Preston Valley, "drop-dead gorgeous."

"How are you, Alisha?" Paul asked as he approached the group. "What's the gang doing this afternoon?"

"Paul!" one of the guys in the group called out. "We're going to Wall Street Pizza for lunch and then heading down to the river. Wanna come?"

"Oh, do." Alisha said as she grabbed his arm. Something about the way Alisha plaintively said "d" made Paul's heart beat faster.

She leaned closer to him and began straightening his tie. "Mr. Taylor," she said in mock seriousness, "you need to come to the river."

"Yeah?" he said, trying not to seem flustered by her attention.

"Yes! Listen, I've got my car here. You can ride to my house

156 joshua harris and wait for me while I change; then we can meet up with everyone else for pizza. Afterward, 1 can give you a ride home from the river."

"You know I'd really love to go," he said smiling sadly, "but my parents like me to stick close to home on Sundays. We have some friends coming over this afternoon, so I'm afraid I'll have to pass."

"Well, okay," Alisha said with a small pout as she turned back to the group. "I'll see you on Wednesday then."

"Sounds good," Paul said. "Hey, guys, have a good time today," he yelled as he walked back toward the church building.

His parents were just finishing their conversation. running out of excuses

Paul faced a tough dilemma. Enduring the scorn of friends and the derision of relatives is one thing, but having to turn down dates gets old fast. How can you do it without coming across as

"You don't date? what are Y. nuts?" 157

a hermit? One girl e-mailed me, "Help! I've turned down two dates in the last week. I'm running out of excuses!"

For this girl and for Paul, a time will come when excuses won't suffice. They'll have to explain why they don't currently want to pursue a relationship.

This leads us to the third principle of communicating our beliefs about dating:

Our primary purpose for communicating with others should be their encouragement and growth.

This principle means that sometimes we should explain our convictions and reasons for not dating in detail and other times we shouldn't. Sometimes our explanations are

When I don't feel close to a person, I rarely dive into a discussion about my views on dating. People who don't know me well might misinterpret my statements or think I am being judgmental. So, for example, if a person who is new at church asks me if I'm seeing someone, I smile nicely and say that I'm not in a relationship at the moment. Launching into a discussion of the seven habits of highly defective dating would be overkill.

On the other hand, I do explain my convictions to my close friends. They know I don't want to be "set up" with anyone and

158 joshua harris that I want only friendships until I'm ready for marriage. I've discussed this with my friends and shared books and articles that have influenced my thinking. Whether or not my friends agree, IVE invested the time to explain where I stand. This makes my life much easier and protects their feelings. For example, I once made plans to go to a movie with a group of friends. At the last minute, everyone backed out except for one girl. But because she knew I avoided one-on-one dates with girls, she called to say we'd need to reschedule. Her feelings weren't hurt, and I didn't have to go into a major explanation. She respected and worked with my beliefs.

When the time comes to share why you don't date, what should you say? Whatever words you use, remember that the goal of your communication is not winning a debate or convincing your hearers of your view. If your friends agree, great! But your main goal is to humbly communicate what you feel God has shown you, to encourage your friends, and to contribute to their growth.

As you explain your stance on dating, make specific statements about your own life, not general statements about everyone else. Remember, it's not your responsibility to live everyone else's life

Our key motive in communicating our beliefs about dating should be to serve others. We want to promote peace, love, and

"You don't date? what are You, nuts?" 159 righteousness that will bring glory to God. When we feel overly concerned about people's opinions of us, when we concentrate on proving we're "right," we're likely to become defensive and overbearing. But when we make our top priority showing God's love to others and thinking of their feelings, we'll find it easier to make wise decisions about what we do and do not say.

When you get one of those "You don't date? Are you nuts?" looks from people, adopt the apostle Paul's attitude when he described the abuse we suffer for following Christ: "Being reviled, we bless; being persecuted, we endure it; being defamed, we entreat" (1 Corinthians 4:12-13, NKJV).

The Bible tells us we're to bear the pain of ridicule without flinching. Have you faced scorn from people who don't understand your convictions about dating? Instead of lashing out, respond with kindness, and ask God to show those people the same mercy He has shown you.

part four NOW WHAT?

chapter twelve

205 Redeeming The Time making the most of your singleness

"Look at this," my mom said, handing me a card. "We're invited to a reception for Jenny and her new husband." I stared at the invitation and the couple pictured on it. My jaw dropped. "I can't believe this," I said. "Jenny Renquist is married? This is impossible!"

"What do you mean, it's impossible?" Mom asked.

"I liked her in eighth grade!" I said. "How can she be married?"

"She met a nice guy, and they got married. It happens all the time."

"Why is it happening to all the girls I used to like?" I whined.

"Yes?"

"I think my biological clock is ticking." "Boys don't have biological clocks."

"They don't?"

"No."

"Oh."

164 joshua harris marriage on the brain

Whether or not you have a biological clock, and whether or not it's ticking, marriage will inevitably sneak up on you. Your friends' wedding invitations will begin arriving by the dozens. Suddenly, what once seemed far off and unimaginable has become very real. At this point in your life, people who find out you're unattached often develop that matchmaking gleam in their eyes. If you've reached this stage, then you know what I mean. All of those around you mentally pair you up with every available member of the opposite sex they know.

Being of "marriageable age" and single is a precarious condition. Even if marriage isn't at the forefront of your mind, it's guaranteed to be on the minds of those around you. My family proved this to me when I turned twenty-one. In my family, we have a tradition of writing letters to each other on our birthdays. The letters I received on my twenty-first birthday really caught me off guard. Why? Because of the consistent references to the "special someone" who evidently, in the opinion of my parents and younger brother, would pop up any day. My mom started the trend with this sentence: "I know it will be hard to let you go when you meet that one we're all waiting and praying for."

"The one we're all waiting and praying for"? I thought. Good grief, Mom! I brushed off her comment as a lapse into I.wgdds. (i Want Grandchildren Syndrome).

Amused, I put down my mom's letter and started reading my dad's. His was full of fatherly advice, but the closing lines picked up the marital theme: "Finally, expect to meet her someday soon, if you haven't met her already. She will be prepared for you by God because "a good wife is from the Lord." When you know you have found her, be patient--you needn't rush.

I swallowed hard when I read those words. I put down the letter, then picked it up and read the lines again. "Expect to meet her soon"? Wow! My dad had never discussed marriage in such serious terms. It seemed so heavy, so grown up.

Then I opened the letter from my twelve-year-old brother and roommate, Joel. He had designed it on the computer and printed it out on my dad's color printer. "Surely," I thought, "Joel couldn't have indulged in this marriage silliness." I was wrong. The end of his note read, "I really treasure sharing a room with you, knowing that someday soon you'll be sharing a room with someone else."

I burst out laughing. My mom was waiting and praying, my dad was expecting me to meet her soon, and my brother was already discussing the wedding night! Nobody had mentioned marriage when I turned eighteen, nineteen, or twenty. But now it was the talk of the town! If I hadn't known better, I might have thought my family had met in a back room and plotted to get me out of the way by marrying me off as quickly as possible.

what Do I Do Now?

While my family didn't want to push me into matrimony prematurely, their letters did remind me that I had entered a new season of life. At this point in my life, marriage is no longer impossible. If God brought the right person into my life I could, theoretically, do something about it.

While this realization is exhilarating, it's also a little confusing. God hasn't brought the right person into my life. My friends who have met and want to marry Mr. or Miss Right may face obstacles such as getting their finances lined up and figuring out

from

166 joshua harris housing, but at least they know what they have to do. They've mapped out a course. But my path isn't so clear.

If you've reached the same stage, maybe you're asking the same questions I'm asking: Does the fact that I could get married mean I should make it a priority to find someone? Do I assume I'll get married soon or act as if I never will?