I Know I've Been Changed (10 page)

“Yes” was all Myles would say.

“Who is with you?”

“I will talk to you later.”

“Myles, don’t hang up this phone!”

Myles sighed heavily. “If you must know, Rae Rollins, I have Councilman Willis with me. We are on our way to a budget meeting. We have some items we need to discuss before we get to the meeting. I am not going to deal with your distrust. If I can’t ride down the street without you thinking I’m cheating on you, we have a fundamental problem.”

I was quiet. Not only was Myles going off in front of Councilman Willis, he had called my whole name so the councilman would know whom he was talking to.

“I’m sorry. I just had a bad day.”

“Well, don’t take it out on me.”

“Okay. I’ll let you go. You’ll need to pick up dinner tonight. I managed to get a doctor’s appointment right after work.”

“Doctor’s appointment—for what?”

“I told you I haven’t been feeling well. I’m throwing up, and yesterday, I blacked out.”

“A’ight. Whatever. I’ll see you later tonight.”

I paused. “Myles. I love you.”

“Yeah, okay.” He hung up the phone before I could say anything else.

Chapter 16

“P
regnant?”

The word hung in the air as if it were some vile, infectious disease. All the joy I had been feeling was soaked up in Myles’s contempt at the idea of having a child.

“Six weeks.” I beamed, despite his obvious disdain. Myles sat in stunned silence. “You aren’t excited?”

Myles stood up and began pacing the floor, running his hand across his closely shaved head. “Excited? How can I get excited? We aren’t even married yet. How is that going to look to the constituents, me having a baby out of wedlock?”

I looked at him in disbelief as the smile faded from my face. “Your constituents! You think I care about your constituents?”

Myles closed his eyes, inhaled, then opened his eyes back up. “But you were on your period last week.”

“I know, that’s why being pregnant never crossed my mind. But the doctor said that you can get your cycle and still be pregnant.” I lowered my head, sadness setting in. “I thought you would be happy.” I had been so excited when the doctor had told me I was pregnant. I’d spent the whole evening thinking this was my chance to redeem myself.

Myles exhaled in frustration. “Rae, it’s not just me. You’re putting your career at risk, too. You already say Dina is out to get you. She won’t want her top talent being unmarried and pregnant. What kind of example would that set?”

I hesitated. He had a point, but it’s not like Myles and I weren’t planning to get married. “Myles, it’s not like this baby is the product of a one-night stand.”

Myles continued with an exasperated look across his face. “Look, Rae. The election is in ten months. We had agreed to wait until after then to get married.”

Now I was getting pissed. “You should have thought about that before you sent your little swimmers in search of fertilization.”

Myles sighed, seemingly grasping at straws. “I thought you were on birth control anyway.”

“I told you I was switching over to the birth control patch because the pills were making me sick. You were the one who said, ‘Oh, baby, we’ll be fine.’ ” I knew exactly when I had gotten pregnant. It was yet another makeup session after Myles had pissed me off because we hadn’t been spending any time together. I had just switched to the patch and the directions were clear: use a backup the first month. When I had told that to Myles, he’d groaned, complaining, “Condoms block the feeling.”

“Rae, this just isn’t a good time,” Myles said, shaking his head.

“So what are you saying, Myles?” I looked at him for an answer. He didn’t respond, but I could see it in his eyes. “I know you don’t want me to have an abortion.” I was speechless. I couldn’t believe he was even thinking something like that. I couldn’t endure that—again. I stood up. “Myles, that is not an option. I am thirty years old, and in case you haven’t noticed, I am only getting older. So, I’m having this baby with or without you.”

Myles hesitated before taking a deep breath and standing up. I thought he was about to come to his senses, but instead, he licked his lips and said, “A baby would mess up my plans. As that child’s father, I do have some say-so. And I say I don’t want to have a child right now. Do not bring an unwanted child into this world.” Then he turned and walked out of the house, slamming the door on his way.

I didn’t even know how long I sat on my sofa crying. How could Myles be so cold? I needed to get out of the house. I felt as if I were suffocating.

Fifteen minutes later, I found myself in front of Shereen’s upscale townhome located on the outskirts of Third Ward. Although she and I were really good friends, Shereen had never seen me cry. She had never seen me hurting. That’s because I seldom let anyone see me vulnerable. But I didn’t know where else to go.

“It’s gon’ snow in hell,” Shereen said as she opened the door. “Come in, girl. What are you doing over here slummin’?”

I walked inside, taking in the Afrocentric surroundings. Shereen was so at peace. I looked at a picture on her entertainment center of her at the beach, posing in the water. She looked so happy. I remembered that trip. She had gone to the Bahamas by herself. Who goes to the Bahamas by themselves? But it didn’t seem to faze Shereen and she talked for months about what a wonderful time she had.

“So to what do I owe this pleasure? We’ve been friends—what?—three, four years and I think you’ve been over to my place three times.”

I didn’t say anything as I plopped down on her sofa. I guess she must’ve noticed I wasn’t in a joking mood.

“Hey, what’s going on?” she asked as she took a seat next to me.

“I’m pregnant.”

“Get out of here! That is too cool.”

“Myles doesn’t think so.”

“Screw Myles.”

“I did. That’s how I got in this predicament.”

We both laughed. I was feeling better just being around Shereen.

“Seriously though,” Shereen said as she got up and headed toward the kitchen, “this calls for some Boone’s Farm. You want strawberry or peach?”

“Boone’s Farm? You’re kidding, right?”

Shereen opened the refrigerator. “Have you ever known me to kid about some good drinking?”

She had a point there. “Do you have some cabernet?”

“Girl, you in the hood. I’ll get shot trying to go up in a store around here asking for some cabernet.” She walked back in the living room and handed me a glass of strawberry wine. “Here. When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Besides,” she said as she sat back down, “you need something strong.”

I took the glass, then she jumped up and snatched it right back. “What was I thinking? You just told me you’re pregnant and here I am trying to get you drunk.”

I looked at the glass. I hadn’t even thought about that. “I guess I need to start thinking about someone other than myself now.”

Shereen gulped my drink down. “So you won’t get tempted,” she said as she wiped her mouth. “Now, tell me this nonsense about Myles not wanting the baby.”

“He says it’s going to ruin his master plan.”

“Life doesn’t always go as planned.”

“You can’t tell Myles that.”

“So what are you going to do?”

I rubbed my stomach. “I want my baby.”

“Then have it. What’s the big deal? You two are getting married anyway. Spiritually, that’s probably not the right answer, but I’d rather you have a baby out of wedlock than have an abortion.”

I cringed at that word. “Myles says it would look bad for me to be pregnant before we got married.”

“Hello, does he think it’s 1950? Give me a freaking break. I guess he thinks Wally and the Beev epitomize brotherhood, too?”

Shereen reached in her purse and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. I shot her a chastising look. “I thought you quit.”

She shrugged. “I did. This is just my emergency stash, to calm my nerves.” She popped out a cigarette, lit it, then took a long whiff. She closed her eyes, a look of pure ecstasy across her face. She gently blew out smoke. “You don’t think this’ll hurt the baby, huh?”

“Fine time to be asking now. But to answer your question, yes. Now put that mess out.”

Shereen inhaled deeply again, closing her mouth and letting the smoke seep out of her nose. “Fine. I just needed a quick little puff. My nerves are bad. I just found out Franklin is gay.” She smashed the cigarette out.

“Franklin? Is that your latest beau?”

“Yeah, chile, and I was really diggin’ him.” Shereen shook her head. “I should’ve known any man that could pass up all of this”—she squeezed her breasts—“would have to be gay.”

I laughed. “You are too funny.” You couldn’t tell Shereen she didn’t look good.

Shereen leaned back and surveyed me up and down. “So, are you all right for real?”

“I guess. Sometimes I wonder why I stay with Myles.”

“’Cause he’s fine as all get out and he gives you what you need. Or what you think you need.”

I narrowed my eyes at Shereen. “What is that supposed to mean?”

Shereen brushed down her ankle-length skirt and repositioned herself on the sofa. “It means I don’t think you know what you want.”

“That’s ridiculous. Of course I know what I want.”

“You want a fairy-tale life and you think Myles can give it to you.”

I debated protesting, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized Shereen was right on target. “So, what’s wrong with that?”

“For starters, fairy tales only exist in storybooks, and I hate to break this to you, but as much as I like Myles, he ain’t no Prince Charming.”

I felt myself getting defensive. Shereen must’ve sensed it because her tone softened. She reached out and took my hand. “Look, I just want you to be happy, and I mean genuinely happy. And I don’t think that’s going to happen because, and don’t get mad, but I don’t think you’re happy with yourself.”

I snatched my hand away. “So now you’re a psychiatrist?” I gathered my purse and stood to leave. I didn’t like it when anyone, including Shereen, questioned my relationship with Myles.

“No, I’m just a friend. A very good friend who loves and cares for you and wants only the best for you.”

I stared at her, waiting for her to say something silly or break out in her sister-girl role. She didn’t. She just sat there, an intense look etched across her face. I felt my eyes watering up. I adjusted my purse strap on my shoulders, shifted my weight between feet, then decided to just go ahead and ask her what was on my mind.

“Shereen, why are you my friend?”

Shereen shook her head. “What kind of question is that?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. I was just wondering, that’s all. As you may have noticed, I don’t have a plethora of friends.” I hesitated, feeling lonely for the first time in my life. “Not many people want to be around me. Even my own fiancé doesn’t want to be around me.”

Shereen twisted her lips upward. “Probably because it’s not easy being in the presence of a diva such as yourself.”

I forced a smile.

“But seriously,” Shereen said as she got up and walked toward me. “I know you like to play hard, but I also know you got some inner demons you’re trying to work through. I don’t know exactly what they are, but they’re there. And besides, I know beneath that tough exterior of yours is a beautiful spirit yearning to be loved. So that’s why I’m your friend to the end.”

My eyes were no longer watering. I was in full-fledged crying mode. This was the deepest conversation Shereen and I had ever had. Not only had she hit some nerves, she was giving me something I hadn’t felt in a long time, unconditional love.

“Here, gimme a hug.” She embraced me tightly. “Now, don’t be looking for no more of this mushy stuff, a’ight? This here is enough to last a lifetime.” She playfully flicked me off and walked back to her sofa. “Now go home. Take care of yourself and that baby. I need to finish my pity party.”

I sniffed and smiled.

“Bye, girl.” I laughed as I made my way out the door and back home to an empty house—yet again.

Chapter 17

D
espite my visit with Shereen, I was back depressed by the time I made it home. And I sat in my house all weekend, sulking because I wanted this baby and I wanted Myles to want this baby. He hadn’t called, which to me wasn’t a good sign. So that added to my depression. And making matters worse, I had morning, noon, and night sickness.

I’d called in sick this morning and had spent the day trying to come out of my funk. I felt like I’d been making some progress when my doorbell rang. I answered it to find Myles standing there, his face shielded by the most beautiful bouquet of flowers I’d ever seen. My eyes lit up as he peeked his head from behind the flowers. “Hello, my lovely fiancée. I just wanted to say I’m sorry for being a jerk, and I wanted to show you a small token of my appreciation for your being in my life.”

I was still upset with him, but the fact that he was here—finally—warmed my heart just a little. Still, I didn’t crack a smile as I took the vase from him and stepped aside to let him in.

He leaned in and kissed me, then walked inside and sat down on the sofa.

“Come sit next to me, baby.” Myles patted the spot next to him on the sofa.

I set the vase down on the coffee table and reluctantly sat beside him. I hoped he wasn’t about to start in about how he didn’t want this baby.

He reached out and started caressing my leg. “I missed you today. I had a horrible day at work and couldn’t wait to see you. I’ve been thinking a lot about you and the baby…our baby.”

I felt a small smile creep up on my face. “
Our
baby?”

“Yes, our baby.” Myles grinned and kissed me. “I was worried about how it would look with us being unmarried and having a baby. So I think I’ve found the solution to that.”

I looked at him, confused. I didn’t know where he was going with this, but I sure hoped it wasn’t down the abortion road. That wasn’t even an option. Not this time.

“Let’s get married now.”

Now?
I was stunned. Of course, I wanted to get married now so my baby could be brought into the world the way he or she deserved to be. But I’d also always dreamed of having a beautiful, exclusive wedding—one worthy of the society pages. Myles noticed the stressed look on my face.

“I thought this would make you happy.”

“It does…it’s just, well, I never saw myself getting married in someone’s courthouse.”

“Courthouse? You know I don’t roll like that. We’re still going to have a wedding; you just have to move fast. I was thinking the last weekend in August.” He leaned back and crossed his legs, a confident look across his face.

“That’s next month,” I replied, facing a whirlwind of emotions. This was exactly what I’d dreamed of, but not like this.

“I know I didn’t do that good in school, but last time I checked, August did come after July, and it is July, isn’t it?” Myles grinned widely and caressed my hair.

“Myles, I can’t plan a wedding in a month.”

He lifted my chin with his hand. “You can do anything you set your mind to. Or hire a consultant.”

I weighed my options. “Why the change of heart?”

Myles sighed like he couldn’t understand why I wasn’t jumping up and down. “Look, you’re the one that wanted to get married, so I say let’s get married. I need to do right by my little boy, or little girl.” He rubbed my stomach.

I looked at him skeptically. This was all coming together too perfectly. Myles never gave in this easily. Something just wasn’t right. Then it dawned on me. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with you potentially running for mayor, would it?”

Myles didn’t answer.

“Well, does it?”

“What difference does it make?” He got up, walked to my entertainment center, and began sifting through my CDs.

I stood up and followed him. “It makes a lot of difference. Are you trying to marry me only so it will look good in your political campaign?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Rae. I’m marrying you because I want to marry you and I don’t want to have a child out of wedlock.”

“Um-hmmm.” Myles was lying. I could tell by how he kept diverting his eyes.

“Myles, is this about the campaign?”

He shrugged, his back still to me. “Well, so what if I want to set an example?”

“So you
are
going to run for mayor? When were you going to share that piece of information with me?” I should have known there was some ulterior motive behind his change of heart.

Myles turned toward me in frustration. “Look, Rae, you knew my political aspirations from day one. I didn’t know I would run this soon, but I have several people backing me and they think I have a good shot. And they think my chances would be even better if I were a family man.”

“So this proposal, this acceptance of our baby, it’s all about your career?” I felt my legs getting weak.

“Rae, no. I probably would’ve waited a few more months if I weren’t running for mayor, but only to give you more time to plan. Yes, it will help my campaign if I’m married to the beautiful, sexy, vivacious Rae Rollins. Married to the woman who is carrying my child. But more than anything, I love you.” He leaned in and kissed me gently on the lips. As usual, I melted at his touch. He was right. It would be better for his campaign if he was married. Better for my career. Better for our baby.

“Okay?” he asked.

I weighed my options, then slowly smiled. “Okay, we can get married right away.” I suddenly felt myself getting excited. “How in the world am I going to plan a wedding in a month?”

“I have faith in you.” Myles stood up. “Now, I’m going to get going, so you can get to planning.”

The smile left my face. “Going? You have to leave?”

“Yeah, babe. Gotta run. Got a meeting to be at this evening.” He picked up his keys.

“I was hoping we could rent a movie or something.”

He kissed me again. “With all the planning you have to do, I wouldn’t think you’d have time to watch a movie.”

“What about dinner? Have you eaten?” I asked as he headed to the door.

“I’ll pick something up on my way to my meeting. Love you.”

I stood there watching with mixed emotions as Myles walked out, again. On one hand I was ecstatic about my impending nuptials and the thought of us having a child. On the other hand, I could only hope that my marriage wouldn’t end up with more nights like this.