I Love You to Death (30 page)

"I do want to be happy Luke, and you are right, I was happy, so very happy. And it was you, it was you who made me that way," I eventually say, watching his face as he listens to me. "But I don’t know how to do that again, how to make all of this, okay. How do I do that without hurting you? What am I supposed to do Luke, what do you want me to do?" I beg, choking the words out and wishing he had the answers.

He looks at me like his heart is breaking. His hands are holding my face, forcing me to look at him now as he says, "Ash, I want you to believe me. I want you to be happy and do all of the things that you want to do. But most of all, I just want you to
let
me love you."

And before I can say anything more, he kisses me and I give in. My broken heart starts beating again and that scared part of me disappears. I cannot stop this now, because I no longer want to.

I want to believe him. I want to be happy again. I want Luke and I want him to love me. I want to be able to love him. I want to be given that choice.

At the stroke of midnight when a new day dawns, but chaos and death are strongest

∞

Playlist
:

1. 100 suns – 30 Seconds to Mars

2. Tongue tied – Grouplove

3. It ends tonight – The All-American Rejects

∞

I’ve always been a night person, long before the nightmares started. I like the darkness, the silence of night. I like being awake when the rest of the world is sleeping. It’s a time when you can remain hidden from everyone, when no one can see you or hear you or know you. But it can also be a time to show yourself, reveal all of your inner fears, your inner desires because you know that come dawn, a new day will begin and the night and all that it holds will disappear.

But the darkness, the night, it can be dangerous. As much as I love it, it would sometimes scare me. It brings out the worst in people and it’s where the monsters lurk.

∞

I remember when Sam suggested we get our own place. It had been twelve months since I’d gone to Boston and we were still living in the apartment he shared with Simon and Brandon, which now felt very crowded. Things were starting to get heated between the guys too. I’d overheard things and I know Sam had said stuff to them. I didn’t know what to do, but I was beginning to think maybe I might have to move back home, that somehow I was going to have to find a different way to make this work before I destroyed it.

When I said to Sam, "Maybe I should just go back to Providence and commute?"

He simply replied, "Or maybe we should just get our own place?"

His suggestion made me smile, made me so happy because it made me realise he wanted to be with me and this thing between us was important to him, like it was to me.

I said yes right away and then we started looking.

It was tough at first, because everything was just so damn expensive and Sam was only working part-time because he was still studying. I hardly had extensive qualifications, so the waitressing I was doing did not rake in the big bucks. Still we were both incredibly happy and I remember thinking again, that out of Nate’s death, I was so lucky to have been given Sam. I thanked Nate every day for telling Sam to look for me, to come and find me.

We eventually found the tiny apartment I still live in now and after that, everything was great. We finally had our own space where we could come home to only each other, every night. Finally it was just the two of us and as I savoured it, I tried desperately not to think about what I’d been doing to the people closest to me all my life.

A couple of weeks after we moved in though, I decided I had to tell Sam about me. I think it was guilt that drove me to do it. Here I was, now living with a man who I was madly in love with, but who I was petrified of doing something terrible to. I wasn’t sure how it had all gotten this far, and I knew sooner or later I was going to have to get this out. Tell him the truth about me. Fortified by a few drinks, I broke the news to him.

It went something like this.

"Sam, I need to talk to you and I need you to take me seriously."

He looked up at me as he attempted to make us dinner. Sam was never really much of a cook, a bit like me. "Are you breaking up with me already?" he asked, a joking smile on his face.

"I’m serious Sam I need you to listen to this."

His smile disappeared.

"You being with me, it’s very dangerous. I don’t know what I’m doing here living with you, because there’s a very good chance it will end badly, that something very bad will happen to you."

"What?" he joked. "Are you like an axe murderer or something?"

"No Sam I’m not," I said, my frustration starting to show. "But everyone who gets close to me, everyone that I love, dies. It’s been happening all my life and I you really need to know about it."

He didn’t say anything, just stood there stirring something in the saucepan. I went on.

"I understand if you’re pissed at me, especially now. I should’ve told you before. But if you want me to move out, I will."

He stopped then, stopped stirring and walked over to me. "Ash, don’t say stupid things like that."

"You need to know this about me Sam and I really should’ve told you earlier, before we got this far," I repeated.

He grabbed hold of my hands and said to me, "Do you want to tell me what this is really about babe?"

So I did. I told him about killing my mother just by being born. I told him about grandad, Grace, about Adam, and I told him about Nate. Nate and the reason we ever got together in the first place.

Sam smiled when I mentioned him. "But Nate is the one who told me to come check you out. I would’ve come down sooner or later anyway and met you," he said, trying I know, to make me feel better.

"Yeah but you didn’t," I said softly. "You never met me until you had to. At Nate’s funeral, after I killed him."

"Ah Ash," he said, pulling me into a hug. "I think all of this is just a bunch of bad luck and you being in the wrong place at the wrong time. You aren’t killing people babe, that’s crazy."

My head was resting on his shoulder, facing away from him when I said, "I know I am Sam, and I’m afraid I’ll eventually lose you too."

He pushed me back then, put his hands on my shoulders, looked me right in the eye and said those fateful words to me, "But babe, I’m still here."

And that was it. That’s how I told Sam. I felt relieved to have confessed. Relieved Sam had listened to me and not walked away. But I was still scared, scared at the possibility of it happening again.

Shortly afterwards I looked up and smoke was billowing from the stove and filling the kitchen. Then the fire alarm started going off on account of dinner now actually being on fire. I turned to look at Sam, but he just laughed and said, "Now that was definitely my fault Ash."

I still wasn’t sure I believed him.

∞

Eventually Luke whispers to me to go to sleep, that he’ll be here when I wake up. He will stay here and sleep with me. But I don’t want to be here. I can’t be here in this place with him. We can’t fall asleep here, not together, not like this. I shake my head, "I don’t want to stay here Luke. We can’t stay here."

He takes my face in his hands, smiles at me because he understands now and says, "Then come and stay with me."

I look up at him. He is so amazing and despite my fear, I still want him so badly. "For how long?" I ask quietly.

He just smiles, kisses me again and whispers, "Forever."

And right then, deep inside my chest, my broken heart flips at that one word. Inside, all of those tiny shattered pieces start to fit back together at the possibility of a forever with him. I desperately want to believe it’s possible. I want to believe I can have this.

We pack some of my things. So many of my clothes are still at Luke’s place, I’ve spent so much time there, a part of me wonders how I ever thought I could walk away, could ever let him go. I know I was afraid, that deep down a part of me always believed this had to be too good to be true.

Before we leave, I go into the kitchen and take down the guitar picks he left there so many months ago. He smiles at me as I put them in my bag and together we walk out. I let him lock the door, carry my bag and take me out of there.

And just like that, I leave my old life behind and walk into a new one with him.

He takes me home. It’s warm in his apartment. He takes me to his room, pulls me into bed and holds me until I fall asleep. All I can smell is Luke. I feel safe here, lying on his chest, listening to his heart beat, listening to him.

When I wake up only hours later he’s still here, holding me in his arms. I move so our faces are only inches apart on the pillow. I feel exhausted. He looks the same and I wonder if he has slept at all. It’s only just dawn.

"Are you okay Luke?" I ask him quietly, running my hand over his hair, across his cheek. "Is your arm hurting?"

"I’m alright Ash," he says, pulling me tighter against him.

"I’m sorry about your family, about your Dad doing that to you."

He presses a kiss to my forehead. "It’s okay beautiful, it was a long time ago. I’m okay with it all now."

"What about Mia?" I ask. "Does she speak to them?"

Luke lets out a big sigh. "No she stopped speaking to him after she learnt what he did. I think she still speaks to Mom though, every now and then anyway, but it’s strained, I know that."

I take a deep breath. "That day you threw the phone, were you talking to him?"

Luke closes his eyes. "Yeah," he whispers. "I was. I was trying to protect Mia."

"Is she like you?" I ask. "You know, gifted?"

He runs his hand over his face, over his head. He looks so tired as he says, "No, it was just me, although she’s definitely not stupid. She just isn’t doing what he wants her to do. He still thinks he actually has a say in all this, in her life."

His face is so sad, so lost. I want him to be happy again. I want to make him happy. He’s done so much for me, so much more than I ever thought possible. I look at him, forcing myself to smile. "So you’re saying, underneath this sexy rock star lurks a total maths geek?"

He laughs now and there it is. His eyes are bright again. The worry and tiredness leaves his face. My heart surges with happiness, finally. I smile at him, kiss him softly. He pulls me even closer, dragging the covers over us.

"You think I’m sexy?" he whispers teasingly.

I laugh now. I feel like I’m home.

It’s been twelve days since Luke’s accident and I’m still living with him. His burn is healing and he will be okay. I’ve officially given up my apartment now and all of my stuff is either here, in storage or gone. I’m living in the apartment with him and Jared. I’m welcome here and it’s nothing like before. I want to be here. Luke wants me to be here. Jared laughs when he says I should’ve always been here. I don’t know how I ever thought I could leave him.

Luke makes space for me in his bedroom. We are lucky because he has the biggest with a bathroom too. He finds places for all of my stuff and he lets me be at home here. I smile as I put my toothbrush beside his in the bathroom. Stack my CDs with his. Hang my clothes next to his in the wardrobe.

And I hang the guitar picks in the window above our bed.

The last two weeks have been like a new start and I feel so different, so completely different to the old me. Luke knows everything now, he’s seen me at my worst and he’s still here. Every day with him is like a new chance and I don’t want to lose that. I want to believe this is all possible. I want to believe things really can be different this time.

I’m lying in bed reading when I hear Luke come home tonight. Mia is here again, staying with us for Christmas. I know now that she always stays with them when she comes to town and I know now how much Jared loves it. I also know it isn’t just a little one sided crush at all, that he is absolutely crazy about her and when I ask him why he doesn’t just tell her, he shakes his head and says, "She’s the sister of my best mate Ash, it’s complicated."

"He knows Jared and he doesn’t have a problem with it," I tell him. "You have to know that."

He smiles sadly at me and says, "Yeah I guess, I mean he didn’t seem to before."

"So what’s the real problem then, why can’t you just tell her how you really feel?" I want them to be happy. It’s torturous watching them both feel the same way about each other and do nothing about it. I don’t know how either of them can stand it.

"I don’t know," he answers quietly. "Too much has happened and too much has been said. Mia, she knows how I….I just, I just don’t know."

He blows out a deep breath and I realise how much all of this affects him, how much it must’ve been affecting him for a while now. I also get the feeling there’s a lot more going on here than I ever realised. Things have definitely happened in the past I know that, but there’s a gap neither of them can cross, no matter how much they both want to. I want to help them, after everything they’ve done for me.

I spent the afternoon hanging out with Mia while the guys practiced. We talked and talked all afternoon, well into the night. When I brought Jared up I saw the sad smile cross her face. They were stuck, both of them.

"Do you want to talk about it Mia?" I asked her as I grabbed us a couple of beers.

"There isn’t much to say Ash," she said quietly.

I squeezed her hand as I said, "I kinda get the feeling there is, that maybe there’s more going on here between the two of you?"

She looked up at me then and it looked like tears were filling her eyes. "Yeah, things have happened before."

"And?" I said, still holding her hand as I sat down beside her.

"And I don’t know, it’s a mess Ash, for so many reasons and things just seem to get in the way of sorting it all out."

"Have you tried just telling him how you feel about all of this?" I asked gently.

"No," she said sadly. "I already fucked things up once before, badly, and I don’t know how to fix that. How to undo the things I’ve done."