I Surrender (4 page)

Chapter 6:

Closure is the Key

T
he tattoo gun is buzzing loudly when I enter “Ink of Queen’s.” V looks up from the back room through her little window, her hair bundled up in a bandana to keep it off her face.

“Hey bestie,” she yells while tattooing.

“Hey babe,” I reply and plop down onto the couch next to her. I have no tattoos and don’t think I ever will. But never say never.

V has quite a few covering her arms. They are colorful tattoos of cartoon characters she loved as a kid. But being the playful artist that she is, she designed them to be a little more adult friendly. Snow white now looks like she’s had a makeover: A Hugh Hefner makeover.

“What did you get up to today?” she asks whilst working away.

“Saw my parents and yes it went how you think it did, awful. On the plus side I got my car back.”

“Oh my God, you got Carmel back?”

“Yes V I got my car back. Its name is not Carmel,” I reply giggling at the imagination on this girl.

“And why not?” V asks bunching up her nose in query.

“Cause it just isn’t. And besides, Carmel sounds like an old ladies name.” I reply picking at a lose cushion thread.

“Carmel is a great car name. Don’t you think Henry?” Her client grunts in agreement. I think he’s too afraid to argue with Veronica whilst she is wielding that tattoo gun so close to his privates.

“Sooo… You coming with me tonight?” V asks me playfully.

“That depends on where you’re going.” I laugh at my friend’s randomness. I never know what to expect from her, so I always like to clarify
where
she is thinking of going before I blindly agree.

“It’s Andy’s birthday party,” V says like I should know who Andy is.

I lift my eyebrow in query. “Who is Andy?”

“Oh sorry, I always forget I talk about you to the guys so much I feel like you know them too. Andy is the bassist who looks like he has just walked off a runway in Milan.” Oh Mr. Model has a name.

I shrug. “Yeah why the hell not? It’ll be fun and I can drive my car that has no name.” She throws her gloves at me (gross) as she finishes with her client who pays, then hobbles out the door with a bandaged freshly inked thigh.

“I know why you really want to go. Eh? Eh?” She smiles nudging me and wiggling her eyebrows up and down.

“Oh yeah? Please enlighten me oh wise one.” I sarcastically smile.

“Duh cause of Jasper. I saw the way you two were eye fucking each other. You go girl. Jasper is..” she trails off and I wait for her to continue. She looks deep in thought of a word to best describe Jasper but just shrugs. “It’ll be so much fun tonight. I am so happy you’re back for good.”

I look at her suspiciously, what is my friend plotting?

V locks up and I follow her in my car. Driving always clears my head and I love my car; we have been through a lot. I look at the heating vents where I know Harper accidently dropped his spare car key. I can still hear the rattle, and my stomach drops. I must remember to remove that key and burn any evidence of it existing. I take a calming breathe and let my mind think about Jasper. I’ve been kind of avoiding thinking about him after our weird but nice chat a couple of nights ago. After I insulted Indie (who the hell names a kid that!) we both went back inside and I didn’t see him for the rest of the evening. I didn’t want to think we had a weird moment outside but it kind of felt like we did. There was definitely some kind of strange chemistry in the air.

But I shouldn’t and wouldn’t be having any “moments” with neither him nor anyone else for a long time. I was going to focus on me, Ava number 1!

Pulling up to V’s, she races into the shower as she takes double the amount of time I do to get ready. I look through my clothes wondering what the dress code will be. I decide, seeing as the temperature is still stifling, I will wear a gorgeous blue simple but stylish silk dress that flows out to the knee. Choosing shoes, I find myself wondering which ones would make me the perfect height to peer into someone’s beautiful blue eyes. Shaking that thought out of my head, I settle for the lowest heel.

When I am ready, dressed and waiting on V who has changed five times I look at my phone. He hasn’t called or even texted me. Why? What have I done that he can’t even be civil towards me? I need closure damn him. In my pretty dress, standing in V’s kitchen looking at my phone I decide that’s what I need to do to move on; to ease this ache, even just a fraction.

I feel happy, well maybe the word is relieved that after all this, there may be light for me, when all I have been surrounded in is darkness.

*****

“Why are you so smiley?” V asks suspiciously. Cruising down some very ritzy houses by the beach I breathe in the ocean breeze.

“I have made a decision. I am going to get closure with Harper. That’s what I need to do to move on.” I am scared to look at V as she is quiet, which is not a good sign.

“What do you mean by closure? Oh Av, you’re not thinking of going all Basic Instinct on his ass are you?”

“No V, even though the bastard does deserve it. I think I am going to send an email. Seeing as he’s chained to his desk all day long, he’s certain to get it. I’ll explain how I feel and that I need closure to move on, I respect his decision, wish him a happy life, and so long etcetera,” I say quickly hoping to convince her and myself that this genius plan would work.

V doesn’t look convinced and sighs. “Babe I get you need closure, but I don’t want you to get your hopes up that this tool will actually contact you. He has made no effort to contact you so far, and he knows you’re back home. What makes you think he will respond to an email? He’s a jerk and jerks like him don’t respond to anything unless it benefits them or their dicks.”

She’s right but I just can’t go on like this. “I know V but I have to at least try. Maybe if I try, that’ll be enough. I can tell myself I did all I could, and maybe just maybe...” I pause on the verge of tears, “I’ll believe it.”

V throws her arms around my waist while I swerve. “V!”

“Sorry you just looked so sad; it was a knee jerk reaction. Anyway, enough with this depressing talk, because that’s where our party is.” Pointing to a huge three story mansion on the beach front she raises an eyebrow excitedly.

“For tonight just forget about it all okay. Have a good night, let your hair down and forget Harper Holden ever crossed your path.”

I smile half-heartedly, if only it was that simple.

Chapter 7:

Quiet Company

T
his house is a freaking castle, modern chic castle that is. We peer up at the towering white building that is mostly made up of glass. I can see inside that the party is in full swing.

“Whose house is this?” It’s a palace. A very modern, I can see right through the house kind of palace but it’s gorgeous.

“It’s Andy’s girlfriend Mariah’s house. Her dad is a senator and this is their beach house. They come here on vacation and rent it out when it’s unoccupied. Mariah is a doll. She and Andy are meant for one another. I can’t wait for us to all hang out and be best friends.” She smiles breathlessly while we scale the long driveway.

Finally reaching the open front door I can hear music piercing from inside. The sudden sensation of running back to the car and high tailing it back home to hide under my blanket overcomes me. V senses my shift and stands behind me pushing me into the door. There are so many people here and I am glad I picked one of the best dresses I own. Everyone is dressed in casual but smart clothing. The guys are dressed in jeans and shirts and the girls are dressed in very couture looking outfits. These people look like they have too much time and money to play with. With their whiten teeth and fake tanned skin, I cringe astounded that people like this exist.

“Wow,” is all I say to V who is looking around for Lucas.

“Oh shush you, quit it with the sarcasm. Most are lovely people who look like they….”

“Belong in a Beverly Hills 90210 rerun,” I finish off. She just smirks at my smartness and we locate Lucas slapping Andy on the back playfully. We walk over; well I walk, while V practically sprints.

“Hey baby.” Lucas smiles wrapping his strong arms around her tiny frame lifting her feet off the ground while she squeals in excitement. I stand a few steps back as I remember the last time I encountered a famous Lucas hug.

“Hi Ava.” Lucas waves sensing my apprehension.

“Hi Lucas. It’s really good to see you again.” I am so proud of myself for constructing a sentence this time around. I look around the happy group and smile at Andy.

“Hi Ava, I’m Andy. We haven’t been officially introduced but I know a lot about you from V. This is my girlfriend Mariah,” he nods to the girl smiling at his waist. I automatically know I am going to like this girl, with her genuine smile and bright hazel eyes. I extend my hand out firstly to Andy then to Mariah who laughs and pulls me in for a hug.

“I feel like I know you already so no handshaking okay.” I nod smiling at her slight country twang, she must be from Mississippi.

“Happy Birthday Andy by the way.” I smile politely.

“Hey thanks Ava, much appreciated.” Mariah passes me a glass of something bubbly which I accept gratefully.

“Hey is Shooter coming?” asks Lucas. I look over V who is staring affectionately up at Lucas. She must feel my stare and mouths ‘guitarist’ to me. Oh okay Shooter is the other guitarist.

“What about J?” asks Lucas. Just the mention of his name, correction just his initial, is enough for my stomach to drop for some stupid reason. I look at Andy for a reply.

“I’m not sure man. You know Jasper, moody artist and all. Never know which Jasper you’ll get.” I try to act nonchalant but V can see through me. This girl was a detective in her former life I am convinced.

*****

The night passes smoothly but as the drinks flow freely and the alcohol kicks in, the couples start to get very affectionate and I feel like I’m intruding in on their private moments. I am an outsider wishing I was a part of their love and devotion. I would give anything to feel that love again. Isn’t that what everyone wants, to find their soul mate in life. Scoffing at my juvenile ideals of romance and love I retreat to the balcony overlooking the water. There are a few drunken couples cradling each other but far away enough for me not to hear or see their tender private exchanges of love. It is a beautiful clear night and the breeze from the water brushes my cheeks like a lovers caress. I look out at the ocean contemplating my life. How did I become that girl? Why did destiny select me to pass Harper’s path four years ago. What was the point of it all if our fate was headed for a collision course all along? Looking at a sea bird flapping its wings against the full moon I wish I could grow wings and fly away from everything and be free. I wish I could lose myself in the vast ocean and float away from all this pain in my heart. I bow my head on the rail and let the tears roll freely. This is the first time I’ve let it all out. Let myself think about how he broke me. I will never be the same Ava Thompson ever again. And that’s because I fell in love. What was the point of loving if it ended this way?

“Hey,” a voice whispers startling me. I whip my head around and quickly wipe away my betrayal of the ache in my chest. I see Jasper standing with his back against the railing, looking concerned. I didn’t even hear him approach and wonder how long he has been standing here.

I can’t verbalize a hello or pretend like everything inside of me doesn’t want to break down. This time it’s not because I am silenced by his beauty, no it’s because I can’t pretend that I am going to be okay. I can’t guarantee my parents that I am going to go back to school, or promise V I’ll be the happy adventurous friend she once knew. But most importantly I can’t promise myself I will get through this and come out on top. It just hurts, it hurts to breathe. Jasper sensing my despair unexpectedly pulls me into his warm embrace and I do all that feels natural in this situation, I cry.

Chapter 8:

Fly Away

I
don’t know how long I stay in Jasper’s arms crying. He says nothing, only rubbing my back, trying to sooth me. He rests his chin on my head and takes a deep breath. Totally self-conscious that I am blubbering all over his black t-shirt, I slowly pull away when I think all my tears have dried up. Jasper gazes at me with curious, worried eyes.

I am taken by surprise as he slowly reaches forward, running a knuckle over my cheek to wipe away my tears. I stare at him and heave a sigh; I just have no words to convey.

He smiles down at me, raising a mischievous eyebrow. “The party isn’t that bad is it?” I half laugh, half sniffle. Good, laughing is better than being an emotional ball of tears.

I peer out over the railing, feeling comforted by Jaspers’ presence. “So, do you make a habit of consoling melodramatic crybabies?” I ask, attempting to make light of my embarrassing meltdown.

Jasper lets out a deep, throaty laugh. “Only the pretty ones.” His comment throws me off guard and I chew my lip nervously.

To break the silence I whisper, “I didn’t see you arrive. Have you been here long?”

“Not that long. I came out here when I couldn’t see you inside.”

Again I am taken aback by his admission. “Sorry that you came out here when I was such a mess.” I decide then and there I need to stop being an emotional pariah in public, especially when Jasper is likely to walk in on my tears.

“Never apologize for being you Ava. True feelings that are raw, no matter how messy they may be, I will gladly take over superficial, insincere actions. You told me so much about yourself; about your vulnerability and your heartache and you didn’t even utter a single word. Your tears told me everything. Sometimes those cheesy metaphors hold some truth.”

Wow I am speechless. This guy is beautiful AND smart. Jasper I’ve decided is a conundrum, one with millions of pieces.

“So count back two minutes before I arrived, what were you doing?” he asks quietly. I think back, hmm… okay before I wanted to jump off the balcony, oh yeah that’s right, the bird.

Brushing my hair out my eyes I murmur, “I was wishing I was a bird. That I could fly away and never have to land. I don’t want to plant my feet into anything permanent, I just want to fly away when things get tough.” Wow, way too much sharing Ava.

“A bird hey,” Jasper asks politely ignoring my emotional outburst.

“Yup a bird.”

“I can see how being a bird would rock. I like your animal choice.” He smiles leaning over the railing. He stares out into the ocean, deep in thought. His tousled hair is blowing slightly in the wind, and he runs his fingers through it. I realize this is a nervous habit of his, and I wonder what he has to be nervous about.

“So apart from being a rock star,” I smirk, “want else do you do?” I inquire, wanting to know more about him.

Rewarding me with a full smile he replies, “Rock star, that’s funny. Music is my passion and I feel so privileged people come see us play. But when I am not a rock star as you so sophisticatedly suggested I work at an animal shelter. It’s downtown, a twenty four hour clinic where people bring in hurt or lost animals. I work most nights as I am a night person. Sleeping is over rated anyways.” I stare stunned, I was not expecting that.

When I don’t speak, Jasper chuckles and asks, “Oh no, please don’t tell me you’re an animal hater.”

“God no!” I answer too quickly. “I was just taken aback... Your job is so important, so fundamental and I admire that.”

Jasper is now the one that looks taken aback and I apologize quickly. “I’m sorry that came out kind of creepy and semi stalkerish.”

Jasper throws his head back in laughter. “No please not at all. I just don’t get many people ‘admiring’ what I do seeing as it’s below minimal wage and the hours suck. But I like it, the animals are cool and they don’t mind me playing my music loudly, well they haven’t told me otherwise.” He smirks with two big dimples hugging his cheeks and his messy hair falling into his eyes. Even with lame jokes, this boy makes me forget I was crying my eyes out five minutes prior.

“So Ava, I know this is really personal and you can tell me to go screw myself, but are you okay? I walked into some heavy shit and I feel like I’m now involved, and I want to help, if I can. What can I do to make it better?”

If only it was that simple and I could take a miracle pill that would subside these emotions. “It’s not your problem Jasper. I really appreciate your kindness and concern but this is something I don’t even know how to fix.”

“Fair enough. All I know is that guy is a jerk. He will realize what he’s done, and that he’s made a horrible mistake. He will come running back, begging for forgiveness, and I hope you kick his request along with his ass to the curb.” I laugh a proper full throated genuine laugh. I really couldn’t have phrased it any better. But deep down I am scared to think what would actually happen if Harper did come back to me. Would I kick his forgiveness to the curb? I hate that I can’t commit to an answer when I know what it should be.

“Judging by your silence and plagued expression, kicking one to the curb may not happen.” He looks at me curiously, like he genuinely wants to know the decision I would make if faced with the choice.

Talking with Jasper eases some pain, if only temporally and I answer honestly. “I know what the answer should be, but love doesn’t make sense right. The harder it is, the more a person tries to make it work and would do anything, sacrifice anything to have their happy ending. I thought I knew the end of my story, and it was with Harper. But now I am not so sure of anything.”

Jasper looks at me with inquisitive blue eyes and cautiously reaches out to barely graze my cheek with his fingertips startling me. “Ava, no one is sure of anything. Life throws us challenges and we have to either embrace them or turn our backs in fear. In my personal experience what doesn’t break you, send you crazy or homicidal are experiences to be learnt from. I’m not pretending to know what Harper did to you, or how you feel. But judging by the way you are now, he broke you. Don’t let someone who doesn’t give a shit dictate how you plan your future. Because babe, it’s just that, it’s yours to plan. You can’t live your life for someone else; you will fade and become a shadow of your former self.”

His skin looks a smooth creamy white set against the contrast of his dark messy hair. His perfect strong angled jaw is covered in heavier stubble from when I last saw him; his nose is simple, slightly peaked at the tip giving him an almost arrogant look but it complements his face. His cupid-bow mouth is sensual, and with that tiny scar, that one imperfection, I shiver at its perfectness. But there is so much more than his appearance. I stare, just stare into his eyes, those blue endless pools of wisdom and for the first time really look past his beauty. His mind, his beliefs are what I find more appealing than his stature.

I don’t know why, but I turn my cheek deeper into his palm, as his warm fingertips are still unthinkingly stroking my face softly. It feels like the natural thing to do, which is ridiculous because I don’t know him well enough to be behaving so forward; but I can’t help it. I couldn’t have stopped myself, even if I tried to. The scene to anyone looking in on us is intimate but not sordid, its kind, its supportive and it’s just magnetic.

Jaspers blue, sultry eyes are searching mine as I peek up at him through my lashes and a heat scorches through my entire body. Where has this come from? I was mourning my ex-boyfriend not long ago and now I feel something, as little as that may be, but that something isn’t painful. No matter how small it may be, it gives me hope that maybe, maybe things will get better.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing with my boyfriend?”

And then that hope shatters, along with my heart.