I Want (7 page)

August 2003

William was away on a trip for a week.

As well as the suspicious absence of
her period for the past couple of weeks, Elle had been experiencing increasing bouts
of nausea and tenderness, so had resorted to buying bought a triple pack of
pregnancy tests, hoping to have some news to tell William upon his return, but
each stick only showed the single negative line.

She had expected to fall pregnant straightaway
so with this fourth month in a row failing to show a positive result, Elle was
beginning to feel frustrated.

Dejected, Elle could not help but take
her grouchiness out on a clueless William when called her that day and started
asking what lingerie she was wearing.

All week they had been discussing the
events of the day and having a little phone sex fun to take the edge of their
sexual frustrations of not being able to see each other for so long.

“Do you ever think about anything other
than what is between your legs?” She complained fiercely.

“Hey, that is rather harsh statement.”

“Well, I feel sick, and I am certainly
not in the mood to talk dirty with you.”

“How am I supposed to know that? You
said you were fine when I asked how your day went at the beginning of the conversation.”

“Well, I have changed my mind since
then. I am allowed to change my mind without seeking your permission, can’t I?”

William was used to Elle’s fierce premenstrual
moods, but he like her had hoped they would be absent this month and for the
next nine. She often burst into tears or hung up on him at the slightest
disagreement during those hormone sensitive days.

Taking a breath “Elle,” He started
in a quiet tone. “Has your period made an appearance?”

“No!”

He was quite surprised by this answer
feeling sure her mood swing would be down to that.

“But it is later than normal is it
not?” He could not remember the last time they had to abstain, but her curse was
never that regular.

“Yes.”

“So there may still be hope, don’t
you think?”

“I bought three tests.”

“And?”

“They were all negative.”

“Perhaps they are faulty, or it is
just too early to detect.”

“Maybe, my mother was right all along
when she said there is something wrong with me.”

For the last year, he had tried to
eradicate all the negativity her mother had instilled in her. Comments that led
to her self-doubt about her attractiveness when compared to her “angel” sister Jess.
And the fluctuating state of
her ovulation meaning she would never be able to keep providing any husband with
a family. Mostly, he had been successful in his endeavour to build up her confidence,
but sometimes her mother slipped through a crack in her defences.

He growled. “Don’t say things like
that. There is nothing wrong with you.”

“Then why am I not pregnant? I should
be at the top of my prime for becoming a mother.”

William sighed. Being at the end of
a phone line rather than in the same room for this type of conversation made reassuring
her that much harder.

“If you want we both can go and discuss
getting investigated once I come back from this trip if that will put your mind
at rest?”

William did not have to see her to
know she had tears of relief rolling down her cheeks. He cursed the anonymous woman
who had given birth to her but never dared to show her face now that he was on
the scene.

~~~

They never
did get to make the appointment for news of a catalyst event came the day he
returned, which culminated with her decision to leave him four months later.  

December 2003

Once satisfied
that her belongings were in the boot of her car, Elle slammed the heavy oak
front door closed behind her, at the same time, fully aware she was also
slamming the door on her relationship with William Dexter.

Elle gulped down the sensation of guilt
that she suffered for taking the coward’s way out by leaving whilst he was on a
business trip. She felt she was no longer able to deal with the look of pain on
his face, whenever he tried to talk about what happened. She shared his sense
of emptiness, but was unable to express it into words. She had tried endlessly,
but each time her throat seized up, and no sound came out - just an endless
stream of tears, which seemed to frustrate him to no end.

Settling in the 4x4, she plugged her
phone into the car’s hands-free system, and set off on her journey from Derbyshire
to Berkshire, where one of her sisters lived. Only one member of her family,
Cate, knew she planned to leave Derbyshire forever, and head for New York.
Activating the voice dialling on her phone, she connected through to her sister’s
home number.

“Hello.” Cate’s familiar voice came
over the speaker.

“Hey, it’s me.” The subdued tone in
Elle's voice was becoming more than a regular occurrence.

“Ah, are you on your way?” Cate’s voice
came again, tight and restrained from what sh
e
truly wanted to
say
”

“
Yes.”

“Are you sure you want to do this?”
Cate checked one last time, after earlier unsuccessfully attempts, to persuade
Elle to stay, and work through her problems with William.

Elle recognised that this was going
to be hard, but she could see no other way. The stabbing pain from the healing
wound caused by her accident, and the pain from her breaking heart merged into
one. “No, I do not want to do this, but I cannot stay either.” She sensed a
wetness forming against the fabric of her blouse, as her silent tears rolled off
her cheeks as she recalled the turbulent past few months.

Elle arrived at
her sister’s place several hours later, after a brief stop for food. Cate underwent
a feeling of shock by how pale and thin she looked, in comparison to how she
had appeared six weeks earlier, at their parents, Stephanie and Hugo Benedict’s
funeral.

“My god, you look awful. Have you not
been eating properly?” Cate questioned, as they settled on the sofa.

“Gee, thanks for the confidence boost.”
Elle responded drolly. “I have been eating properly, but the pain medication
since the accident has been making me continuously sick, on top of all the
haywire hormones from the loss of the pregnancy.”

Neither of them had been especially
close to their parents, but the joint loss of the abruptness of their death,
followed by a traumatic horse riding accident resulting in the loss of her baby
at eight weeks, had led to her bolting from her relationship with William.

“What does the doctor say? Surely,
it cannot be beneficial for the pain medication to be making you continuously sick.”

“The doctor has put me on a weaker
dosage, which has eased the sickness significantly. I now have to register with
a new doctor in New York, as soon as I have arrived there, as they want to keep
my anaemia monitored for a few more weeks.”

“Have you warned Annette and Lawrence
of your imminent arrival yet?” Annette and Lawrence were their aunt and uncle,
with whom she planned to stay with in New York, until she found a place of her
own.

“No, I need to call them today, although
I doubt they will mind the possibility of a live-in babysitter for a few
weeks.”

“Very true, I am sure they will understand
the lack of notice under the circumstances.”

Elle met Cate’s disapproving tone with
a sigh, and a raised eyebrow. “I know you do not approve of the way I left William,
Cate, but, please stop going on about it. I did not take the decision lightly.
It’s for the best; you have not seen how the darkness of our loss has affected
the harmony we used to share.”

“I understand that relationships end,
and god knows yours has had every reason to fail, with the strain of everything
you have been under, but I simply do not get why you had to leave him, whilst he
was on a business trip.”

“He would have done everything to make
me stay - in the end that would have made us just hate each other. This way,
once the hurt, has dispersed; we might have a chance to stay cordial when we
meet at unavoidable events, after Jess and Charlie marry.”

“And what do I say to him, when he
comes looking for you?”

“I don’t expect you to lie about my
whereabouts, just tell him that it’s for the best.”

“Sure, I will tell him because you
are my sister, but I think you are foolish to throw away everything just because
of one hurdle-granted it’s a tremendous hurdle, but I am sure you could work
through it in time, once the pain had lessened.”

“Cate, I have made my decision.” Elle
repeated in an exasperated tone, and walked out of the room, leaving Cate to
shake her head in frustration behind her.

Later, the same day, Elle placed a
call to her aunt and uncle in New York, to get their agreement to stay with
them, until she found her own condominium. Afterwards, she experienced a sense
of relief that the burden of having to tell them that she had left William was over.
They had not said much on the phone, but she could tell her aunt shared Cate’s
opinion that she should have stayed, and fought for her relationship.

The next couple of days passed without
incident. Cate and Elle stayed within the confines of the house due to the icy,
biting December winds, and occupying their time reading, and talking through
their career plans.

Elle managed to avoid any further confessions,
despite many calls from Jess asking her to call her back. She knew if she had
made contact with Jess before she stepped on the plane, the information would
find its way to William, through Charlie, in a heartbeat.

Despite the unanswered calls to Elle’s
smartphone, Jess had not attempted to call Cate’s home directly, so during a
conversation that morning; she and Cate concluded no one suspected Elle of
being there. Thus, it was unexpected when the doorbell rang.

The noise startled Elle from her light
slumber. Raising herself to a seated position, she rang a hand nervously through
her curls, unconsciously tousling up the flattened side. She had been snoozing
on the library’s sofa, whilst Cate was sitting at a nearby table, going over
new photographs that she had been developing in her dark room.

Disconcerted, they exchanged glances,
neither making a move to go and see who was out there.

“Are you expecting anyone?” Elle said
uneasily.

Cate shook her head. “No.”

The doorbell rang again, the sound
echoing dimly through the elegant hallway of wood and marble.

“Can we just ignore it?” Elle suggested,
with a desperate hope of burying her head in the sand a while long, the slight
immaturity of her young age hinting through.

Spending the last two days discussing
with Cate all the recent events, from their parents’ death, to her miscarrying
her baby, had been emotionally draining beyond measure-she was not strong
enough to refuse to see William.

For a third time, the doorbell rang
- a longer burst this time.

“No, we are going to have to be grown-ups,
and deal with this.” Cate rationalised sensibly. “Let me try to talk to him.”
It was a forgone conclusion, for both, that it would inevitably be William at
the door.

Cate left the library, shooting a last
glance uncomfortably at her sister, as Elle followed a few steps behind. Remaining
out of sight of whoever was at the front door, Elle leaned against a wall, and
held her breath, as Cate opened the door.

There were hushed tones exchanged,
which Elle was unable to make out even as she craned her neck closer to hear better.

“I know Elle is here, Cate. I need
to talk to her.” Elle could detect the weariness in his voice. A fatigue she heard
in his voice many times in the last few weeks since her accident, and resulting
surgery. All the sorrow had disturbed her sleep pattern to such an extent that
William would stay up late into the night, to comfort her through long bouts of
crying. Because of his own lack of sleep, his irritability had been heightened
to new levels, as her depressive state seemed to extend on and on, with no end
in sight. It had led to a few heated exchanges between them, and William
telling her that she needed to pick herself up, and move on.

“Will,  I understand you have
had a long drive, but she has already been through so much that I do not think it’s
a good idea at the moment.”

“I am asking for only a few minutes.
I accept it’s over, but I cannot bear to let it end without at least making
peace with her.”

“I agree it’s sensible to make peace,
in light of the inevitability that you, and she will probably meet again in the
future with Jess and Charlie moving towards marriage, but it’s too raw to
expect to do her to do that so soon. Just give it time, and I am sure she will
agree to meet with you.”

A few moments of silence passed, and
then Elle heard a rustling of what sounded like paper.