I Want to Hold Your Hand (20 page)

After many late nights, endless lists of pros and cons and many arguments, Caleb has chosen the army over hockey. It was a tough decision for him, especially with three NHL teams showing interest and me pushing him in that direction. I try to tell myself that as long as we’re together, I’ll be happy, but I’ve never gotten over my fears of him going into the military. I want him to be at peace with what was a difficult decision, so I’m trying to embrace my future as an army wife. It’s not easy, but I’m making the effort for him.

—From the diary of Hannah Abbott, age twenty-two

T
he instant Hannah cleared the doorway, Nolan exhaled the deep breath he’d been holding. He’d spent more time trying to control his emotions in the last few days than he had in the whole rest of his life combined, or so it seemed. Being around Hannah, being free to express himself to her—finally—had him clinging to the razor’s edge of sanity and desire.

He was once again throbbing with need and had hours of work ahead of him before he could be with her again. Pushing himself off the desk, he went around to sit in the chair, figuring he could take a few minutes to pay some bills and hopefully cool off, too.

Mrs. Andersen filled the doorway with her considerable figure, clearing her throat to get his attention.

“Hi there, Mrs. Andersen. How are you today?”

“I’m just fine, Nolan. How are you?”

“Great.”

“Do you mind if I come in for a minute?”

“Um, sure,” he said, gesturing to the visitor chair that had seen much better days. When she was seated, she took a good long look at him that nearly had him withering under her glare. “Something on your mind?”

“I know it’s none of my business . . .”

Oh jeez
, Nolan thought.
Don’t go there
.

“But I’ve noticed your truck outside Hannah’s house a few times recently. Late at night, too.”

He wanted to tell her that she was right. It was none of her business. But his grandfather had raised him better than that, so he didn’t say a word. Rather, he let her dig her own ditch.

“You know we’re all so protective of Hannah, and she’s been through such an awful thing . . .”

Nolan refused to make this easy for her, so he held his silence.

Mrs. Andersen cleared her throat as a faint blush tinged her full cheeks with color. “I just hope you’re being . . . careful with her.”

That was it. He’d heard enough, and since she’d managed to totally kill the erection Hannah had left him with, he stood abruptly. “Thanks for coming in and for your concern, but I’ve got to get back to work. We checked your car, and there’s nothing wrong with the brake lines. They’re as good as new. Let me get your keys.”

“Nolan, wait. I apologize if I was out of line. I care for Hannah. Everyone does.”

“So do I. You have nothing to worry about.”

“That’s good to know.”

Nolan got her keys and sent her on her way, knowing she’d be back again in a week or so with another manufactured problem with her car. She was a nice enough lady, and he didn’t mind indulging her—most of the time. However, he had no desire to speak to her about his relationship with Hannah. It was bad enough the entire Abbott family was involved. The rest of the town could butt out.

He threw himself into work for the remainder of the day, forcing every other thought out of his head until later when he could be with Hannah again. That was the only time lately his life seemed to make sense, and he needed much more of her. Soon.

 • • • 

For the second time in as many days, Hannah arrived at the Guthries’ home and pulled into the driveway behind Amelia’s car. On the way, Hannah had thought about what she needed to tell them and how they might take the news. She had no doubt they’d be thrilled about the retreat. But the part about her and Nolan . . . She couldn’t say for sure how that would go, which scared the hell out of her.

She took a deep breath for courage and got out of the car to go inside.

Bob met her at the mudroom door and opened it for her. “Hi, Hannah.” Tall and imposing with steel-blue eyes, he’d intimidated Hannah for a long time before she discovered a softie lived under all his military bearing and bluster. She returned her father-in-law’s embrace. “Good to see you. Sorry I missed you yesterday.”

“I was, too,” she said.

“Thanks for bringing Homer’s collar to us. That was really nice of you. Come in. Amelia’s in the kitchen making something that drew me out of my office to investigate.”

“How’s the book coming?” He was working on a memoir about army life that would end with the loss of his son to war.

“Slow but steady.”

“I can’t wait to read it.”

“Oh hi, Hannah,” Amelia said, wiping her hands before she came over to kiss and hug her. “Twice in two days. How lucky are we?”

Hannah was relieved to see that her mother-in-law looked more like herself today, less shattered than she’d been the day before. “I have some news I wanted to share with you, so I’m glad you’re both here.”

“Have a seat,” Bob said, holding one of the kitchen chairs for her.

Hannah slid into the chair and a glass of iced tea appeared before her as they joined her at the table.

“What’s going on, honey?” Amelia asked kindly.

“Well, you know I love the house as much as Caleb did. As much as all of you do.”

“Of course we know that,” Bob said. “You’ve taken immaculate care of the place. My mother would be so pleased.”

“That’s nice of you to say. I’ve been thinking lately though that it’s a bit big for one person, and it’s a shame to see all that great space not being used. I told you about Will’s new girlfriend, Cameron, right?”

“The one from New York?” Amelia asked.

“Yes, that’s her. She came up with the great idea to use the house as a retreat of sorts for other women who’ve lost their husbands to war.”

Her in-laws exchanged glances, but nothing in their expressions gave away their feelings on the matter, so Hannah pressed on.

“We thought it could be a place where other widows could make friends, share their common grief and hopefully heal together. What do you think?”

“It sounds like a wonderful idea to me,” Amelia said.

Bob nodded in agreement.

Hannah withdrew the paper containing the logo for the retreat and put it on the table in front of them. “Cameron came up with this, and I wanted to see what you think of it before we go any further.”

“Oh,” Amelia said, her hand over her heart. “You’d name it for Caleb?”

“Yes,” Hannah said. “I want him and his face and his name to be very present in this entire effort, but only if you’re comfortable with it.”

Bob smoothed his hand repeatedly over the paper bearing his son’s image. His grief was palpable as he stared at his son in the uniform he’d proudly worn for twenty-two years. “I think it’s a brilliant idea and an amazing way to honor his memory,” Bob said gruffly after long moments of silence.

Relief flooded through Hannah. She’d worried about what they might think of how she planned to use the home that had been in their family for two generations. After Caleb died, she’d offered the house to them, but they’d insisted it had belonged to him and was now rightfully hers.

“I agree,” Amelia said. “I’d love to be involved in some way. Perhaps I could be your official cook or something.”

“I’d love that,” Hannah said, sincerely. “That’d be wonderful.”

“I could be your maintenance guy,” Bob offered with a shy grin that reminded her of Caleb when he’d done something he knew she wouldn’t like, which was often.

“Thank you both so much,” Hannah said, fighting tears. “I can’t tell you how much it means to me to have your support and your involvement.”

“You know how important it is to us that people don’t forget him,” Bob said.

Hannah laid a hand over his. “None of us will ever forget him. He was simply unforgettable.”

“That he was,” Bob said with a small smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “Thank you for this and for all you’ve done over the years to honor him. He was a very lucky man to have such a lovely and devoted wife.”

“We were both lucky.”

Amelia dabbed at her eyes with a napkin.

“You might want to consider a board of directors to help you run the place,” Bob said. “I could assist with that, too, if you’re interested.”

“I’ll take all the help I can get. I have no idea what I’m doing, so whatever you’re willing to do is fine with me.”

“I’ll ask around and drum up some board members to help you out.”

“I was going to ask Mrs. Hendricks for her advice about the practicalities of running an inn,” Hannah said of the woman who ran the Admiral Frances Butler Inn, the only bed-and-breakfast in Butler.

“Oh I’m sure she’d love to help,” Amelia said. “I’ll talk to her at our bridge night this week and let you know.”

Surrounded by their love and support, Hannah was paralyzed with fear over how they’d respond to the other thing she needed to tell them. If she had her druthers, they’d never know she was seeing another man. But in their small town, such things didn’t remain private for long, and too many people already knew. She couldn’t take the chance of them finding out from someone else.

Clearing her throat, she dug deep for the courage she would need to say the words. “So there’s one other thing I wanted to talk to you about.”

“What’s that, honey?” Amelia asked. “Are you all right? You’re suddenly pale.”

“Um, it’s just that it’s hard for me to talk to you about this . . .”

“Whatever it is, you know we love you and want only the best for you, right?” Amelia asked.

Touched by their endless support, Hannah nodded. “That means so much to me.” She took another deep breath. “I wanted to tell you I’ve begun to date.” She paused, gauging their reaction, which was impossible to read. “I think of Caleb all the time. Every day. All day. But . . . I . . .”

“Please, Hannah,” Bob said gently. “You don’t have to explain yourself to us. Ever.”

She couldn’t contain the tears that spilled down her cheeks in a flood that left her feeling raw and exposed.

Amelia handed her a napkin and then dealt with her own tears. “Is it Nolan?”

Shocked, Hannah stared at her. “How do you know that?” she asked in barely more than a whisper.

“He came to see us,” Amelia said. “A while ago.”

“He . . . he came here.”

“He comes quite often to check on us,” Bob said.

The thought of Nolan remaining faithful to his late friend’s parents triggered a storm of emotion inside her. “I didn’t know that.”

“Will and Hunter do, too,” Amelia said. “The other Sultans call and send e-mails frequently. We’re very blessed to have all of you in our lives. Caleb knew how to pick his friends. That’s for sure.”

Hannah was still trying to get her head around the fact that Nolan had spoken to the Guthries about her. About them. She wasn’t sure how she felt about that. “Yes, he certainly did.”

“Don’t be angry with Nolan,” Amelia said. “He was very sweet telling us that he had asked you to go out with him, and it was very important to him that we were okay with it. Because if we weren’t, he wouldn’t pursue anything further with you.”

“How long ago was this?” Hannah asked.

“Oh weeks ago, wasn’t it, Bob?”

“More than a month,” her husband agreed.

So after they’d danced at the Grange and after he’d kissed her the first time, but before the recent developments.

“You don’t seem pleased, honey,” Amelia said. “He was very nice and very respectful, and we appreciated the gesture. We love him like one of our own. You know that. The poor guy doesn’t have much family to speak of, so he’s been an honorary Guthrie for longer than I can remember. Don’t be angry with him. We’d hate to be the cause of that.”

“I’m not angry. I’m just surprised he did that when nothing had really happened yet.”

“He said as much and that he was hoping it would turn into something special, but not if it caused us any additional grief,” Bob said. “We assured him he had our blessing to date our beautiful daughter-in-law and that we couldn’t think of anyone more deserving of her than him.”

Hannah pinched her lips together, hoping to stem the tide of emotion that threatened to break her again.

“It was an incredibly sweet gesture,” Amelia added, almost as if she was trying to convince Hannah to forgive him when there was really nothing to forgive. It was a sweet gesture.

“I don’t want you to think I’m getting over Caleb or anything like that. I’ll never completely get over losing him.”

“We know, Hannah,” Bob said. “But you’re a young, beautiful woman with decades of life in front of you. We don’t expect you to spend all that time alone mourning the past. Caleb wouldn’t have wanted that either.”

Hannah didn’t mention the journals she’d found among his things to his parents because she wanted a chance to read them before she shared them with anyone. She wanted one last moment between her and the husband she’d adored and would bring them to his parents the next time she came to visit.

“It means a lot to me to have your support. And I hope you know that no matter what happens in the future, you’ll always be part of my family and my life.”

“We wouldn’t have it any other way,” Bob said. “Don’t worry about our approval, Hannah. You have it. No matter what you decide to do. We approve and we support you. Always.”

“That’s a priceless gift and one I’ll cherish forever,” Hannah said through her tears as she got up to hug him and then Amelia. “Thank you so much.”

“Thank you, honey,” Amelia said as she embraced Hannah. “You made our son very happy, and it gives us peace to know he was so deeply loved.”

“He was,” Hannah whispered.

“We know.” Amelia got up and left the room, returning a minute later with a white envelope and tears in her eyes. “I have something for you from Caleb. I was under strict instructions to give it to you when I thought you were ready, and it seems like you might be ready now.”

Hannah’s heart leapt into her throat as she stared at the envelope. “What is it?”