Icon of the Indecisive (9 page)

Chapter 21

He knew it all along, of course. In the way that people retroactively "knew it all along" because they just kept themselves in denial the whole time.
 

Last year, Robbie told himself, only ask her out in senior year. By then Quin would be out of here, and she wouldn't need to tutor him anymore, and that would be one less thing to worry about. At least, he used to worry about it more often. He already swung too much between obsessing and not obsessing about that friendship.

Because that's all it was, she said, and he believed her. Most of the time.

Senior year would be better, he thought. Quin would be gone, and Robbie would probably be captain by then, in case she went for that kind of thing. Of course that meant if things went well then they'd only have a year left in school together, but he lived near Ford River enough that he could probably continue to visit her post-graduation, as long he lived with his parents.

Or he could get a job in one of the technoparks near Ford River. But that wasn't going to solve the problem of what would happen after she graduated, and moved back to her mother's house in Manila. But he could always find a job in the metro.

Assuming things went well.

He didn't mind the slow pace he was on, at first. Robbie felt that Hannah was into that. Quin started the friend thing with her when she was a freshman, and it looked like he kept it that way for an entire year. (He would have heard locker room talk if he went further. He heard locker talk about everything else.) 

But there was also the matter of Quin assuring him that he and Hannah were just friends. He actually said it. Robbie didn't even remember asking, but Quin just suddenly said it, and also that she didn't have a boyfriend, which felt like being caught revealing a secret by talking in his sleep. So that was one time when he temporarily stopped obsessing over it. Quin wasn't a liar, that much he knew.
 

And he still thought that when, on February 12, Diego approached him while he was in the library with a pile of readings on Risk, and said, "If you want the girl, you should do something about it. Before Quin nails her."

Why would he even say that? But Robbie had seen this before. They'd be best buds one day, and Diego would be hassling Quin the next. 

"They're just friends," he said.

"Yeah, they said that, right? Because Quin's never lied before. And you know she'll say no if he ever tried it." Sarcasm. If you had to deal with Diego on a daily basis, you'd get more than your recommended serving of it.

"Isn't Quin seeing that teacher?"

Diego didn't answer, but Robbie heard himself say, "Yeah, because no one's ever cheated before."

He didn't know what the deal was between Quin and Diego again. Normally Robbie didn't get involved, but obviously his involvement was mandatory in this particular instance. He had been in love with Hannah for so long, too long, and was so close
, for it to get all screwed up.

"Why are you telling me this?" he asked Diego.

It looked like Diego knew that he'd been turned. "Lovestruck kids. Maybe I like helping." 

Chapter 22

It was past ten. 

Almost five hours of waiting.

Of sitting here, on a bench of chipped wood, waiting for Robbie Carlos to finish practice. It didn't seem to be regular practice. None of the graduating seniors were there, and most of the guys I had never seen before. Maybe it was tryouts? Pre tryouts? I didn't know, but they took forever.

And then when they headed off to the showers, I thought the wait was over. But then, an hour later, only seven guys got out. And eight had gone in.

He knew I was just there though. It was impossible not to see me, and that I'd been sitting there long enough to take root on the bench.

Seriously? Was there a secret shower exit?

I pushed myself off the bench and went right for the men's locker room.

It wasn't pretty, by the way, the men's locker room. It was humid and still smelled of sweat, even though this was supposedly a place where people washed that all away with soap. It
s layout was the mirror image of the girls' shower rooms, so I had to reorient myself. Turned right to head toward the row of showers. 

"Robbie?" I yelled.

Near the end of the hall, a locker door slammed shut. And Robbie was there, all done with his shower, not yet dressed, towel around his waist.

"You shouldn't be in here," he said.

"No one else will mind," I said.

"Hannah, you should go."

"You know how long I was out there, right? Can I just say something?"

He was so hurt. I wish I didn't know how much, but I could feel it.

"I'm sorry," I said. "It's still true though. Quin is just my friend. We're not together, and we never were."

"But that's not the point, is it?" And when he said that it was like he read my mind, because that was precisely what I was hoping he wouldn't latch onto. "Would you be with him if you had the choice?"

If he were less sharp, less astute, he wouldn't be Robbie, and why would I even like that version of him? 

"There was a time when I really wanted to be him, yes," I said. "But everyone has someone like that, Robbie. I wish I could tell you how I know that but I just do. Let's be realistic. Sometimes there are just people we want but aren't supposed to be with. We're supposed to move on and have better relationships anyway."

I practiced this. I felt that he'd be a guy, an applied math major, a reasonable person about this. That he wouldn't believe it if I went with tears and promises, so I decided to go with the brutal truth. 

It was impossible for every single person to be with the one they wanted. Just, it can't be done. Maybe we'd be happier if we accepted this.

As soon as I said it and I felt his pain grow, I felt awful at the miscalculation. 

And this was why I wasn't an applied math major.
 

But I was a psych major though, so maybe the error just became so much worse.

"But you were the one I wanted to be with, Hannah," Robbie said, quietly. "I never told you this, but I've thought, longed, dreamed about you for a long time. I'm sorry but just thinking now of being with someone else, I can't do it. I can't look at someone else and tell them I care about them when I still feel this way about you. I don't think you should do it to me."

The tears came anyway, the same ones I thought he wouldn't want to see.

"You're right," I said. And I had to say it again because the first time was muffled by my crying, and I couldn't leave without him hearing it properly.

"Please leave."

And I did. Because there was the truth in this situation, and the right thing to say, and it came from him, not the supposed Goddess of Love.

Chapter 23

Suppose a man leaps from an airplane without a parachute. If he is certain to die, he faces no risk. Risk requires both exposure
and
uncertainty. (
Defining Risk,
Glyn A. Holton)

At least exam week came up to distract me.

I can't believe I said that.

It was a very long week. Sol and I studied together every day, and she did a good job of being a friend and not asking too many questions. I knew that if she found out that Quin had anything to do with Robbie breaking up with me, she'd let me have it.

I didn't want to hear any of that just yet.

So we studied, and took tests, and while the rest of the school talked about the beach party, and what they'd wear to the beach party, and who was going to the beach party, Sol and I brooded together.

"I found out that Neil is going to the party," she said to me on Thursday, after our Psych Research final. "Him. Him! My klepto ex gets invited."

"You have an invite," I reminded her.

"But you don't want to go anymore, so of course I can't be there."

"You don't have to not go just because I don't have a boyfriend anymore. But you shouldn't go just because your ex is there."

"See my problem? No win. I'd rather st
ay here and mope with you." Then she tilted her head and sort of gave me a look usually reserved for puppies. "Are you ready to talk about it?"

I sighed. "No."

"Did he force you to do anything?"

"Of course not."

"You'd tell me if he did, right? Because I heard this strange story about you going to the clinic with bruises..."

I didn't tell her about that either. There was nothing to tell her that wouldn't require overlong backstory. "That was a misunderstanding. I'm obviously fine."

"All right. Keep it bottled up inside. I'll be here when you finally explode."

No kidding. "Thank you."

On Friday, when everyone else was off to the three malls within an hour's drive to buy their beach party outfit, and make sure that no one else would get the same beach party outfit, I spent my evening alone, at the clubhouse pool near my aunt's house.

Diego taught me this trick. Something about being underwater quieted the mind. My mind at least, because it was hearing so many other thoughts.
 

So I spent over an hour there, staying submerged for as long
as my breath would allow. The Goddess had a sign up and it said DO NOT DISTURB.

No one else was at the pool. No one else used the pool at night, usually, apart from the occasional Ford River student. As soon as I dunked my head in though I felt no great relief, and I still felt bad about Robbie, useless about Jessica/Justin/Marlee, and crappy about my life in general.
 

Worst year ever.

A splash in the water caused a disturbance that I saw, heard, and felt. I stood up to get some air, and waited for him to reach my side of the pool, slicing through the water with his confident strokes.

Him, Diego.

He did a complete lap first, before taking a detour toward the shallow end, where I stood in water up to my waist. And I got treated to the sight of Diego's body again, which I think was the point of this display of athletics.

I straightened up and tried to look him in the eye, and not everywhere else that was glistening with water.

Deja vu.

"What?" I said, not happily.

"It's funny."

"What?"

"I would have thought that you'd be able to avoid breaking someone's heart, since you know so much about
love
now."

"Obviously I'm not good at this."

"You don't get it then."

"Please," I said, rolling my eyes. "Go tell me how else I screwed up. I want to know."

"Hannah," Diego said, and hearing his voice say my name, my actual name, felt strange and new. "None of us are good at this. I keep telling you. None of it matters. The only question is, do you want this? And everything follows from there."

"Don't give me a pep talk. I'm not summoning the God of Work right now."

"I'm not here as a god of anything. I just thought you needed to hear some things."

"What else do you want me to hear, Diego? I don't deser
ve Quin, I don't deserve to be Goddess, I don't deserve Robbie...did I fail botany too?"

"Did you find out why Jake's been making lightbulbs explode?"

I hadn't even done anything about that. "No. I...no. I've been busy lately."

"Of course. Busy
luring young men to love you and then breaking their hearts."

"If it's so important, why don't you figure out the Jake thing yourself?"

"I already have," Diego said, and that was a surprise to me. "I just thought you had to find out why on your own too."

"Maybe I don't want to do this anymore."

He stepped closer. Our toes might have touched. He towered over me, and I did my best to look defiant still.

"Do you know what I can do to someone as confused and lost as you, Hannah?"

"I know, Diego."

"I don't think you do. I can make this go away. I can give you purpose, and direction, the kind that will determine the rest of your life. I do that for so many people, every day. You're not different."

It was tempting.

Diego leaned in, so close that I thought he was going to kiss me. And I knew what a kiss from Diego would do. I knew it would fix me.
 

But he stopped, and instead tapped my forehead. "You have to want it."

"I want it," I said, automatically, and pathetically.

"No, you want the easy way out. Maybe Quin had the right idea with training you the slow
, boring way. You abuse the shortcut."

Ugh. Always. Ugh. I slammed my palm against the water and aimed the spray up at him. "You're horrible."

He laughed. "You and I make sense, New Girl. One day you'll come around to it."