Idyll Banter (8 page)

LIFE, LIBERTY, AND PLENTY
OF CHARMIN

TOMORROW MORNING,
I will join my neighbors from Bristol, Starksboro, and Lincoln and celebrate the birth of our nation, that day in 1776 when a small group of patriots in Philadelphia put their pens to paper and their necks on the line, and declared that their outhouses would no longer be subject to English tyranny.

As many historians have noted, the Revolutionary War was the last great armed conflict fought over outhouses. It was Thomas Paine himself who wrote that fateful summer of '76, “Tyranny is the hell that sits on the throne—far from the paper.”

Even Ethan Allen, an otherwise tireless self-promoter, admits in his account of the capture of Fort Ticonderoga that the British would never have surrendered and come out if they'd had an outhouse inside the fort's walls.

In any case, of all the towns in Vermont that accord Independence Day the respect it deserves, it is Bristol alone that understands the crucial role the outhouse played convincing Thomas Jefferson to get off the pot and draft the Declaration of Independence. As it has every Fourth of July for a decade and a half now, Bristol will celebrate the bombs bursting in air with a series of outhouse races, beginning tomorrow morning at 8:30.

Conceived, managed, and run by the Bristol Rotary Club, the outhouse races are a combination of the great chariot races from
Ben-Hur
and the low-tech wizardry of a Pinewood Derby.

The outhouses that race are powered by people, and the rules are fairly specific:

• As many as four people may pull or push the contraption, but there must be one person sitting inside it in a position that reflects what those in the outhouse race world might describe as anatomic and functional accuracy.

• The outhouse must resemble, as this year's organizer Ted Lylis puts it, “an old-fashioned one-holer.” The sides must be covered, the wheels must be rotating casters, and—for reasons I hate to imagine—the floor must be solid.

The current outhouse race course is a straight path down Bristol's Main Street, with the village's lone stoplight as its finish line. In past years, however, the course has actually wound its way around the Bristol commons, which meant there were the sort of sharp curves that occasionally resulted in accidents between outhouses (versus accidents
in
outhouses, which is a whole other premise I'm not going to touch).

It's not surprising that the idea of an outhouse race was conceived at the sort of New Year's Eve party in which there was rigorous intellectual debate. In the midst of one especially animated discussion of philosopher John Locke's influence on Jefferson, Rotarian Larry Gile turned to Rotarian Bill Paine, or Paine to Gile (no one's quite sure who's to blame), and said, “Hey, let's have an outhouse race.”

And while I've no doubt that the outhouse races are a fascinating historical re-creation of the Revolutionary War charges and countercharges that occurred on Vermont soil at the breakfast battle of Hubbardton, their real role today is as Rotary fund-raisers.

Through a combination of race entry fees and spectator wagers, the outhouse races some years raise a sizable sum of money for the Rotary Club to return to the community. This spring, for example, the Bristol Rotary awarded four $500 scholarships to high school seniors. Much of that money was raised from last year's outhouse race.

And so tomorrow, in addition to savoring the parades and fireworks and barbecues that commemorate the great spirit of '76, I will also watch that unique homage to the outhouse's place in colonial history. I will take the time to pay my respects to the thunderbox, to cheer on the Revolutionary War's armored personnel carriers and commodes, and salute those women and men who remember the courage of Hancock and Hale by racing one-holers.

MEETINGS MESSY BY NECESSITY

WHENEVER I WORRY
that town meetings are going the way of the dinosaur and thumbing a ride to extinction, I talk to my neighbor Dave Marsters. Marsters has been moderating town meetings in Lincoln for twelve years, standing serenely at the front of Burnham Hall before the long rows of folding chairs still made of wood.

Once again Monday night he will be on stage—literally, as well as figuratively—protected from the chaos he calls neighbors the other 364 days of the year by a slim book called
Robert's Rules of Order
.

Marsters, more than anyone else, is capable of reassuring me that the town meeting is not quite ready for the respirator. “Attendance goes up and down,” he says thoughtfully, “but I haven't seen a pattern of diminishing attendance over the last decade.”

A decade is roughly how long I've been going to town meeting. I went to my first one in 1987 and have since learned the three basic rules:

• When the moderator requests that you keep your comments “germane,” it means it's time to sit down. You've lost all touch with the discussion at hand, and what you think sounds to your neighbors like the Gettysburg Address is in reality a big bowl of meandering word goop.

• “Graders” and “grader chains” have something to do with the town assets and the town budget—not the school assets and the school budget. “Grader” questions, therefore, should be directed to the Board of Selectmen.

• Never propose an amendment to an amendment, unless the article involves a budget appropriation in the upper six figures, and you want to make sure the debate goes on into April . . . or you want simply to fluster the moderator.

Marsters loves town meeting, especially when the discussions grow animated. His biggest fear? We're growing too civil as a culture.

“I'm really scared when people tell me, ‘I shouldn't say that in town meeting.' The fact is, if you feel that strongly about it, you should say it,” Marsters insists. “Think back on the things people used to say. People really did debate things, and things really did get hot—and it wasn't just because of the old stove that used to sit in the center of the town hall.”

One of Marsters's favorite memories is the town meeting four years ago when it looked like the Lincoln school budget might fail—a first for the town. The irony of that memory is that Dave Marsters, private citizen, father and teacher, wanted desperately to see the budget pass.

He recalls how “the debate was long and detailed, exactly what it needed to be. People finally agreed that we absolutely couldn't afford the budget as a town, yet that didn't matter: It was important for the kids that we pass it. And what was really meaningful was that people left the hall feeling that they'd had the opportunity to speak their voice.”

Marsters wonders if the biggest threat to town meetings isn't one of the usual suspects we round up this time of the year: suburban sprawl and the demise of the village; the end of the volunteer ethic; the time pressures put upon the two-career couple.

Marsters fears a more insidious drift. “There is a cultural trend in our society to make democracy quick and easy, just like everything else. And that eliminates the hard work that real democracy demands,” he says. He cites the initiatives that appear every year to replace public voice votes with Australian, or all-day secret, balloting. The result, he says, “is a lot more people voting who haven't been a part of the discussion.”

Marsters's moral? He has two. Democracy takes time; at the very least, a single Monday night or one Tuesday a year. And, at its best, it will be a messy business.

Perhaps that's why someone long ago picked the first week in March for Town Meeting Day: What better way is there to emerge from a winter's hibernation than to gather as a tribe in the center of town and welcome in mud season with the sloppy but satisfying work of self-governance?

VILLAGE'S CENTER STARTS IN
AISLE ONE

DESPITE MY DEEP
appreciation for electronic mail and the power of the Internet to ferret out information quickly, we have yet to invent a means of communication as efficient, speedy, or dependable as a good general store.

We have that sort of emporium in Lincoln: well-stocked aisles of bread and canned goods, a couple of refrigerator cases and freezers, and a small hardware section in the back, all serving as the front, essentially, for the sort of impressively low-tech transmission station or relay center that must make phone companies jealous.

Everyone in Lincoln, of course, understands this. If you absolutely must get a message to somebody fast . . . you call the store. If you simply must know why the fire engines just left the station . . . you phone the store. If you have to leave town in a hurry and need someone to milk your three-hundred-pound llama . . . well, you call the store.

Husband and wife co-owners Dan and Vaneasa Stearns have become human fiber-optic cables, linking the village in ways no technology ever could.

One day this summer, I saw how we depend upon them. I was in the midst of the sort of home repairs that demand an hour from most guys and take me about a week. So I wound up walking to the store every few minutes in need of yet another three-cent nut or four-cent bolt, or some free (but invaluable) advice from Dan about how to drill a new screw hole into a metal light fixture.

In the time it took me to visit the store three times, Vaneasa received four phone calls.

Nancy Stevens, the local private investigator (every village needs one) and llama-meister, had to travel abruptly to Boston, leaving behind Holly, her llama, and Holly's new calf, Barn Baby. Barn Baby was going through a phase in which she insisted on nursing from a barn beam instead of from Holly (hence the name), and so Nancy needed someone to help her friend Ruth Shepherd milk Holly until she returned and could get Barn Baby back on llama-manna instead of pumpkin pine.

And since you won't find an assistant llama-milker in the Yellow Pages and Nancy needed one fast . . . she called Vaneasa.

A problem? Nope. Vaneasa instantly thought of Pam Smith, because Pam keeps a thousand-pound Scottish Highlander Hereford Cross beef cow as a pet and probably wouldn't mind holding Holly while Ruth was working the business end of a particularly woolly milk machine.

A few moments later, local septic-system cleaner Alan Clark needed to reach local excavator Chris Acker right away, so he called Vaneasa and asked her to have Chris call him. Now, when you're a septic-system cleaner and you need an excavator, you don't mess around. Time is, well, of the essence.

And so Clark didn't waste precious minutes leaving a message at Acker's company and he certainly couldn't count on a cellular phone in Lincoln. As Priscilla Presley and a forty-person film crew discovered two years ago, cell phones don't work in our hills.

Did Acker get Clark's message quickly? You bet. Acker arrived at the store in search of a ham salad sandwich less than ten minutes after the local septic-tank czar had left a bulletin for him there.

Yet the flurry of phone calls was not yet complete. Vaneasa would receive two more that would have nothing to do with such inventory staples as Slim Jims and Pepsi and crawlers.

First, she was called by an out-of-state real estate agent she'd never met who wanted to know what properties might be for rent this winter in Lincoln. And then a Middlebury resident called in search of our town clerk, after mistaking the unique whistle and ding the phone makes in our town office for evidence the phone was out of order.

Can you count on the Internet this way? Did we ever get this kind of mother's milk from Ma Bell? Not a chance.

Nope, if you really want to reach out and touch someone, you're better off just calling the store.