If I Break THE COMPLETE SERIES Bundle (120 page)

“Chris. I already love you like that. This is a disorder, that makes you feel different but you are one and the same to me. Don’t think of it as me wanting one side of you more than the other. I want all of you,” I tell him and he looks disappointed letting go of my hand. My stomach drops. Maybe it was too soon, but when is soon going to be soon enough. Especially after everything Helen told me. I did the exact opposite of what I was supposed to do. I’m not going to coddle them anymore, he is
one
man, one man that I love and they need to understand that not me. When I woke up next to Chris this morning guilt tried to trickle in. It tried to steal the joy of the moment from me, but when I really think about it—why should I not feel good about sleeping with my husband? He’s my husband officially, the Jenna thing is completely done with. There is no way I’m going to alienate him and push him back to her. It felt right…well it did feel a little wrong too…but it mostly felt right. I need him to know that it’s right, whenever we do it.

“I’ve been trying to make an appointment with my doctor,” he says, putting his head in his hands. I feel a sting of guilt lance through me. The conversation with Dexter Sr. comes up in my mind. “Her secretary called and left me a message saying she’d be out of the office all month. Then when I called back to make an appointment her secretary said she wasn’t out of the office, but when I told her my name she said she didn’t have openings for the next six months,” he says, frustrated. Oh my God, Dexter Sr. has had Chris blacklisted. Isn’t that against some type of medical ethics?

“I really want to try to grasp this. It’s just really hard,” he groans.

“I know,” I say, interlacing my hand with his.

“But I’m here. We’re in this together,” I say, giving him a little smile.

“I’m thinking about just seeing Helen again, when we go back to Chicago.”

My heart skips a beat.

“You’re coming with me?” I ask him. I mean it makes sense but I don’t know if he’s really ready.

“Why wouldn’t I? We’re in this together right?” he says giving me a smile that makes me hug him. Maybe all of this won’t be so bad. Maybe everything will be okay. After everything that’s happened we deserve a break. Maybe now we’ll get one.

I
t can’t be her. It can’t fucking be her! But as soon as I make it downstairs and turn the corner, there she is standing at the desk. When she sees me her eyes light up but just for a minute before worry starts to show in her face.

“I’ll handle it from here Lamar,” I tell the concierge at the desk. I put my hand around her back and usher her towards the front doors.

“What are you doing here?” I ask through gritted teeth.

“I came to speak to your soon to be wife,” she says simply. As soon as we’re out the door the time for playing nice is over.

“How could you do this Cal? How could you do something as major as this? Does that poor girl know about your disorder? How could you marry someone and not even tell us?” she says, her voice breaking. For a moment I feel a slight tinge of guilt.

“How dare you come here? The night of my engagement party, and tell her what? The man you’re marrying isn’t fucking real!”

“I was going to tell her the truth.”

“Your version of the truth. It’s always the version that you and William think up isn’t it?” I ask her.

“Cal you cannot do this. Do you understand what you’re doing?” she says, her tone pleading.

“I know exactly what I’m doing,” I tell her.

“No you don’t. I don’t know how you’ve pulled this off so far, but what are you going to do when you marry her and she wakes up in bed with Chris!” she exclaims.

“That is never going to happen!”

“You don’t know that. She deserves to know,” she pleads.

“You just don’t want me to be happy.”

“That’s not true,” she says pleadingly.

“Of course it’s true. You don’t give a shit about me. All you want is Christopher back.”

“That’s not true Cal! I love both of you,” she interjects.

“He’s not coming back Gwen! I’m on medication that will get rid of him completely!”

“W-what are you talking about? You’re taking drugs? What are you taking Cal? Are they safe?”

“It doesn’t matter, but you and Will can get it through your heads that your mild mannered little farm boy is never coming back.”

“What medication, there isn’t any medication that’s a cure Cal. Integration is the only way… are you taking something illegal?” she says, frantically grabbing my arm.

“It’s not your concern,” I tell her simply, snatching away.

“It is my concern. You’re my son and I love you!” she says and for a moment I almost believe her, but she doesn’t care about me, only the person that I keep at bay.

“Cal please!” she says, grabbing my arm again as I turn away from her.

“How can you love her when you shut love out? How can you know what love is?!” she asks, looking directly in my eyes.

“She’s love! I love her more than anything. If you screw this up for me, I’ll disappear and you’ll never see Chris again,” I say before snatching away from her. I turn around and see Lauren heading my way.

Fuck!

“Leave. Now,” I tell Gwen before heading back to the building. Before I can enter Lauren’s come outside and we meet right at the door. My heart is about to blow the fuck up. She looks down the street right at Gwen, who thankfully is walking in the opposite direction.

“What was that about? Who was she?” she asks, eyeing me suspiciously. I shrug, trying to be as casual as possible. If she only knew how fast my heart was going, my palms are sweaty; I have to calm down.

“Nothing,” I tell her, walking back through the entrance of our building and waiting for her to come in. I hate lying to her, I try to never do it, this isn’t exactly a lie but it makes me feel like shit. She looks back at me and then back in Gwen’s direction and my throat feels like it’s about to close up. Gwen’s stopped walking.

Shit! What the fuck am I going to do?

I glance at Gwen and her eyes connect with mine. The only thing I can do is shake my head.

Fuck it.

I mouth
please
to her. I’ve never asked anyone for much. I regret little, but right now I wish I could go back in time and get on my fucking knees and beg Gwen not to say anything. She nods slightly, it’s subtle and even Lauren won’t notice it but it’s enough to make my heart stop slamming into my chest.

“Are you coming?” I ask Lauren impatiently. She looks over at me but she doesn’t move, instead she glances back in Gwen’s direction again but she’s gone by that time. Her eyes narrow in on mine. She’s pissed. I can deal with pissed, after what I could be dealing with, pissed is welcome.

“Nothing,” she says bitterly as she walks past me into the lobby.

“I took care of it; she didn’t want anything important,” I say casually, my heart rate returning to normal. I sit down in one of the big chairs in the lobby. I’ve never needed to sit down as much as I do right now.

“Well, what happened? What did she want with me?” she asks anxiously.

I’m going to have to tell another fucking lie.

“She really wasn’t making any sense. She seemed hopped up on something. I told her to leave.” I pull out my cellphone so I don’t have to look at her. I can’t look her right in the eye and lie to her.

“Well maybe you should have let me talk to her,” she says, nudging me. She does it again until I look directly at her. Her hazel eyes won’t let go of mine. I don’t want to lie to her again, but I can’t lose her. If I told her now I’d lose her.

“Look. She wasn’t making any sense. She probably pulled your name off an article of some event we’ve been to with Dexter. You have to be careful about just anyone trying to see you. When you’re associated with the Crestfields, people see dollar signs and will sell you any sob story thinking you can write them a check. Most people have some type of agenda and I’m sure she did but she won’t be back. You can’t just trust anybody now, okay?” I feel like shit. A crock of bullshit, but it sounds like it makes sense, but she knows me and she’s not buying it. I grab her hand and she sighs and nods just a little bit. She wants to believe me, but she’s not stupid.

“Okay,” she says simply, but it’s forced and hesitant and she pulls her hand from mine and folds them in her lap. She’s thinking, she knows this doesn’t add up.

“Mr. Scott, your car is here,” one of the car attendants informs us.

“Thanks,” I tell him, standing. I wait for Lauren to do the same, and she doesn’t.

“You’re coming right?” I say jokingly but in all honesty I don’t know if she’s coming. She glares at me and rolls her eyes before following the attendant.

This is going to be a long fucking night.

Ridiculously large banquet hall, check.

Overly expensive food, check.

Hundreds of people you don’t give a shit about telling you congratulations, check.

Pissed off and annoyed fiancé, check and check.

She knows something is up. She wouldn’t talk to me in the car, she keeps moving when I try to touch her and it’s killing me. My gratefulness to Gwen has expired. Why the fuck would she come here? How dare she show up at my house, threatening to tell my fiance about my past? It’s the past, our future doesn’t include them, nothing before her matters.

Fucking Dexter had to have told her I was engaged, and to show up the day of my engagement party? If Gwen had talked to Lauren, everything would be ruined. My life would be ruined. She’s never looked at me the way she is now. With…distrust, like she she’s seeing me for another person. I don’t want her to look at me like, like I’m the villain, she’s never done that before.