If I Break THE COMPLETE SERIES Bundle (178 page)

I spend the night at Amanda’s since she’s so upset. I stay up all night staring at the ceiling, as I have every night. Granted, Amanda has a much better ceiling. I think about all that’s happened, how badly I’ve screwed things up.

I talked to Will right after Chris left that night and told him what happened. The crazy thing is he seemed relieved that Chris wasn’t going to say anything. Of course he’d be relieved, but he didn’t seem to care much that his son was acting weird and possibly high.

But apparently he wasn’t high on anything but his anger, his disappointment in his father, his disgust with his best friend. Other than talking to Will that night, I’ve kept my part of the deal by staying away from Will. Not that I have any reason not to. I get the distinct feeling that if Will never sees me again, it will be too soon for him, and that hurts. I block out the indescribable pain by knowing how much pain the truth could cause so many other people.

I finally lie on my stomach to try to get some sleep, and I scrunch up my nose. The pillow has some strange fragrance, and it turns my stomach. Literally. I jump out of Amanda’s bed and head to her bathroom—thank God she has an ensuite. A couple more seconds and the pizza we ordered would have been all over the floor. I vomit until there’s nothing left in my stomach, then I hear Amanda behind me.

“Oh God, was the pizza bad?” she asks, covering her nose and looking disgusted.

I sigh, catching my breath. She hands me a cup of water, and I rinse my mouth.

“I don’t know,” I say after flushing the toilet.

“I feel fine.” She starts to play with her long blond braid.

“I think I have some weird stomach bug. I got sick after eating donuts at work this morning too.” I wet my face at her sink, and when I turn toward Amanda, she’s looking at me with her eyes bugged out. “What?”

She seems to gasp solely for dramatic effect, but that’s classic Amanda, “A-are—do you think you’re pregnant?”

I laugh. “No.” I head back into her room and get under the covers.

She stands next to me with her arms crossed. “Are you sure? Who throws up donuts except pregnant women?”

I roll my eyes. “I’m on the pill.” Thanks to Evie’s reminders after Brett started to come over, I take them every day.

But Amanda doesn’t look convinced. She walks across the room, pulls a box out of a drawer, and drops it in my lap.

“You keep pregnancy tests in your drawer?” I ask in disbelief.

She nods as if it’s the most normal thing in the world.

“Wow,” I say in disbelief.

I pick up the little test. I’ll humor her. After all, with Aidan gone and Chris probably never talking to me again, she’s the only friend I have left. I go in the bathroom, drink a little water, and wait a few minutes while Amanda chatters outside the door about her and Chris’s first time together. That’s still too weird for me to hear about, so I run the water to drown her out.

I pee on the stick and set it on the sink. I’m not worried at all. I know for sure there’s no possibility I could be pregnant, so it’s almost a waste of time and eight bucks. Will and I always used condoms—he made sure of that—so there’s no possibility…Well, except that one time. I stare at the test. Things become blurry after I see those two pink lines.

I didn’t get any sleep all night. I didn’t even really get a chance to process the test. I stuffed it in my pajamas. When I opened the door and saw Amanda, I couldn’t tell her. I lied—for the first time convincingly—and told her it was negative, that she was overreacting. She hugged me, saying she was so relieved and how messed up it would be if I was pregnant by Brett. God, at this moment, I’d kill for it to be Brett’s. That would be a thousand times less complicated than whose baby it really is.

I’m having a baby. I’m pregnant with Will’s baby. For the slightest moment, a tiny part of me was happy. I thought it could be a sign from the Fates giving us permission to be together. I thought that because if I had his baby, there’s no way I could never see him again. It’s the one thing that would require us to try to make things work.

I was delusional thinking about the fantasy of being a parent—Will and me living together. I’d get an apartment and go to school, and he’d come and sit on the couch and play with our cute little boy or girl, and after a little while, Will would realize he loved me and he’d be with me. In that fantasy, I didn’t think of Chris or Gwen or any part of reality. Maybe it was Amanda’s beautiful house with beautiful things and my stomach being empty and queasy that made me so delusional and stupid.

Because now, sitting on my bed and hearing Evie scream her head off at Jack while our roof leaks and my head hurts and I feel like I have to throw up, reality knocks the ever-living shit out of me.

I’m pregnant.

I’m a pregnant teenage girl who’s still in high school.

No, it’s worse. I’m a pregnant teenage girl who’s still in high school with a crazy mom who’s just barely taking care of me, and I’m pregnant by my best friend’s married dad. I’m going to hyperventilate.

As I sit in front of their house, I realize I have no way to get in touch with Will. I’m afraid of calling and Chris answering. Will’s cell phone is off. I have no other choice. I’m going crazy. I feel overwhelmed, and to be completely honest, I’m terrified. I take a deep breath and ring the doorbell and close my eyes. I hear footsteps approach.

“Please be Will. Please be Will,” I say to myself. When the door opens, my stomach drops.

“Hi, Lisa,” Mrs. Scott says in a cheerful tone.

“Hi, Mrs. Scott.” I hold my breath to try to calm my nerves.

“It’s so good to see you. It’s been awhile,” she says, opening the door for me to come in. “Is everything okay?” She looks concerned when I don’t move.

“I-is Chris here?” I ask, and her smile softens a bit.

“No. No, he isn’t.” She sighs. “Come in, Lisa.”

I nervously step inside. “It’s just you?” I realize what an odd question that must be coming from me.

“Yes, well, technically,” she says with a bright, wide smile.

I notice how pretty she looks. I’ve never really looked as Mrs. Scott, but she’s beautiful, with long red hair, beautiful green eyes that smile at you, and she’s glowing. I’m nervous just being around her. So much has changed since I was last around her, and I feel sick.

“I-I haven’t told anyone.”

I look at her curiously, then I realize she said technically she’s the only one home.

“Is W—Mr. Scott here?” I hurry to correct myself.

She shakes her head, her hand covers her stomach, she rubs it and she practically beams at me. My stomach falls through the floor.

“You’re—you’re pregnant?” I’m afraid to hear her answer.

She nods enthusiastically. “Yes!” She’s obviously ecstatic. “It’s early, and the doctor said I should wait before telling everyone, so I’m keeping it to myself. Trying to anyway—it’s really hard. But I haven’t told any of my friends or family except for Will. He’s so excited. We needed this.” Her wide smile softens.

I feel dizzy. She’s pregnant too. Oh my God. I’m going to pass out.

“A-are you okay?” she asks, and I nod.

“I-I’ve got to go, Mrs. Scott,” I say, making my way to the door.

“Are you sure? You look a little peaked,” she says.

At that second, Will walks in. I’m sure all the color has drained from my face, and he joins the club of looking as though he’s just seen a ghost. The ghost of all his transgressions standing right in front of him. I feel anger and sadness, hurt and betrayal, coursing through me. How could he? He was sleeping with both of us. I thought he didn’t sleep with her. God, I knew she had his heart, but I’d convinced myself I had his body. I suck in a deep breath.

“Hi, Lisa. How are you?” he asks, recovering quickly.

It takes everything in me to not yell at him or start crying. I want to blurt, “I’m pregnant with your baby, asshole,” but I don’t. Instead I swallow my tears.

“Congratulations, Mr. Scott. I heard the good news,” I say with fake enthusiasm.

He looks at Gwen, who looks a little embarrassed but still ecstatic.

“I had to tell someone, honey,” she says, staring at him with so much stupid love in her eyes.

“Since Chris isn’t here, I’m going to get going. Don’t tell him I stopped by. Please!” I say before leaving.

When I’m out of the house, I practically run to my car and throw up outside of it. I wait a few minutes to see if he’s going to come out and talk to me, to explain what I just learned, to apologize for not calling me, for abandoning me with this secret, to tell me that he only slept with her once. But he doesn’t, and that hurts more than anything. Will has his child, the one he’s been waiting for, who will give him what he needs to be fulfilled, and he doesn’t need me anymore. I drive down the road to park and sit in my car and cry harder than I’ve ever cried before.

My phone vibrates, and I know it’s him. I look at his text.

I’m sorry for everything, Lisa. I never meant to hurt you. I hope you find the happiness you’re looking for. I wish I could say this to you in person, but I think this way is best.

I squeeze the phone and scream. I roll down the window and throw it on the ground. At this moment, I hate him. I hate myself. I hate this thing growing inside me who will never live up to
their
perfect child. I cry, resting my head on the steering wheel, then I drive home. I run up the stairs and swing open the door.

Evie’s on the couch, smoking a cigarette. “What’s your problem?”

I thought she would be passed out. She worked a double today, and I saw her on her second beer before I left. I roll my eyes and storm past her into my room. I slam the door before throwing myself on the bed. Moments later, the door swings open.

“What the hell is your problem?” she shrieks.

I look at her, anger swirling around me. I want to make sure someone feels like I do. “You don’t care what’s wrong with me. You don’t care about anyone but yourself and your stupid fucking husband!”

She looks caught off guard, then her face hardens. “You don’t talk to me about what I care about. You’re in my house, under my roof, and you will respect me!” She sounds like a parent who deserves respect—she must have picked that up from the TV she listens to when she’s screwing or is passed out.

“I don’t have to respect you. You’re a terrible mother. I want to rip this parasite out of my stomach, and it would probably be for the best because I’ll probably be a screwed up parent just like you and dad.”

She slaps me so hard I fall onto the bed. I look at her, and the look in her eye makes me suppress the urge to slap her back. She’s furious, and I edge away from her.

“How fucking stupid are you!” she yells.

I move farther away from her.

“Is it Will’s kid or that college boy’s?” she yells.

My eyes widen. How the hell does she know?

She cackles. “You think you’re so smart and I’m so stupid. You’re not, and Will is just as stupid as you. I’ve seen his car parked down the street, and Jack’s noticed him sneaking out.”

I feel as if I’m going to throw up.

“A married man, Lisa? And Will Scott of all people? He’s never going to leave his wife. He loves her. You were just a hot piece of young ass. That man’s going through a midlife crisis, sweetie. You don’t mean anything to him, and that kid most likely won’t either. Do you even know whose kid it is?”