If I Lose Her (21 page)

 I looked
down.

 Sitting on
the dresser, underneath the mirror was a photograph of Jo I had taken when we
went to the taste of Colorado.
You are going to be the mother of my
children.
I smiled.
I just hope they look like you
. Then I chuckled.

 I looked at
my watch.

 It was just
after 6.

 I sprayed a
puff of cologne onto my shirt and headed for the door. Then I stopped. I patted
my pockets.
Come on Alex. Don’t be an idiot. The ring is kind of important!
I walked over to my shelf of books, reached up to the top shelf and pulled away
‘The Encyclopedia of Motor Bike Racing’. I reached as far back as I could reach
and retrieved the small, purple box. I opened it.
Wow, it’s so beautiful. I
hope she likes it.
I closed the box, put it in my breast pocket and went
down to the car.
I should have just enough time to make a quick stop.
Flowers.

 6:30 came
and I walked up to the front door of Jo’s parent’s house with a bouquet of red
roses. A certain little box poked into my ribs from my jacket pocket. Then I
rang the doorbell. Jo answered.

 “Hey, oh how
beautiful. Are these for me?”

 “No, they’re
for your mom,” I said handing the flowers to her.

 She rolled
her eyes and slapped my chest. “Well, I’m sure she’ll love them. I know I would
if my boyfriend ever got me any this nice.” Then she kissed my cheek. Kisses
were always on the cheek at her parent’s house. “Hang on just a second. Let me
get my purse.” She said disappearing into the house.

 “So, are you
excited about tonight?” I asked when she came back out.

 “Are you
kidding? I was looking at some photos of the show on the internet, and it looks
like it’s going to be amazing!”

 “The Brown
Palace is supposed to be pretty nice too.”

 “Oh, I’m so
excited!” she said walking up on her tiptoes and swinging my arm back and
forth.

 I opened her
door and she climbed in.

 “I’m pretty
excited too. Tonight’s going to be a great night.”

 We pulled up
in front of the Brown Palace and a valet opened Jo’s door. She looked at me and
raised her eyebrows. I just smiled. Then the valet opened my door and I handed
him the keys and took the pink ticket with the number 18 on it.

 Inside, the
Brown Palace was gorgeous. A colored glass ceiling illuminated rows of
blue-green filigree railings in front of dozens of hotel room doors all of
which overlooked the foyer, where uniformed bellhops stood waiting for orders. Past
the foyer was the restaurant, with rows of candlestick-chandeliers hanging over
elaborate rugs and beautifully decorated tables of china and crystal.

 “Name
please?” the maitre d’ asked as we walked in.

 “Douglas.”

 He ran his
finger down his list and closed the book.

 “Right this
way.”

 Jo squeezed
my arm as we walked past tables of people dressed far nicer than either of us
were.

 “Your table
sir,” the maitre d’ said pulling out Jo’s chair.

 She bit her
lip and smiled at me as we both sat down.

 “Our special
this evening is Tournedos de Boeuf et sa Béarnaise. Someone will be along
shortly to take your drink order.”

 “Thank you,”
I said as he walked away. Then we both started laughing. “Do you have any idea
what la Boeuf Béarnaise is?”

 “No, I was hoping
you would.”

 I just shook
my head. Then I looked at the menu.

 “There
aren’t any prices on this menu,” Jo said.

 “Don’t worry
about it. Tonight’s a special night.”

 We ordered
and ate. I had a buttery Risotto with chicken and wild mushrooms and Jo had a
spicy angus steak with the largest baked potato I think I’ve ever seen.

 I knew it
was almost time and my hands started to get sweaty so I gripped the napkin on
my lap.

 “What time
is the show?” she asked.

 “Oh, I think
we have time.”

 She gave me
a curious look and checked her watch.

 “Good, cause
I think I’m going to get a piece of that chocolate cake I saw on the way in,”
she said picking up the dessert menu.

 
It’s now
or never.

 “Jo, I have
an ulterior motive for asking you here tonight.”

 “Oh?”

 I pushed the
menu down and took her hand.

 “Jo, you’re
my best friend. Over the last three years I’ve learned how beautiful life is
when you’re around. You make me laugh. You’re not afraid to tell me to shut up.
You challenge me to be so much more than I am on my own. You’re my best
friend.” 

 I stood up,
took the ring out of my pocket and got down on one knee. I cold hear people
gasp and whisper at the tables next to us. Jo put her free hand over her mouth,
and I started choking up.

 I took the
ring out of the box and held it up to her.

 “I can’t
guarantee you a big house or a lot of money, but if you let me I promise I’ll
love you for the rest of my life. Will you marry me?”

 She paused
and looked at me, starting to cry. Then she took my face in her hands. “No.”

 A woman
sitting next to us gasped.

 I didn’t
move. I couldn’t.

 I looked
down at the ring.

 I didn’t
know what to say or do.

 What had
been a secret gift of love now felt so heavy, so obnoxious. As I held it out
for the whole restaurant to see, it became a red flag that drew everyone’s
attention to my disgrace.

 I tried to
think but couldn’t, especially with everyone at the tables around us watching.

 “Alex,
please. Let me…”

 I stood, put
the ring back in the box, dropped a hundred dollar bill on the table and did
the only thing that came to mind. I walked away.

 The world
became so quiet; so colorless as I walked back to my car.

 It was as if
I had fallen asleep on a dirty train and dreamt about my future wife, just to
be woken by a homeless man asking for money.

 I got in my
car, set the ring down on the seat next to me and started driving. I didn’t
know where I was going. I didn’t care. I just got on the highway and drove as
hard and as fast as I could toward the mountains. My mother’s house and the
city of Golden passed by my window at over a hundred miles per hour. I knew a
cop would tag me as soon as he saw me, but I really didn’t care. I found
Lookout Mountain Road and started up the winding curves.

 When I got
to the top I turned off the car and walked out onto the granite boulders
blanketed in night and looked at the lights of the city. Then my phone rang. It
was Jo. I pitched it as far as I could and watched the light of the screen
flash once, twice then smash against something on the forest floor. I thought
about the diamond ring. I went back to the car and got it. I opened the box.
The single stone held by the split, diamond encrusted band now looked like an
eye staring back at me. I snapped the box shut and squeezed it in my hand. I
thought long and hard about pitching the ring right into the shadowy forest
beneath me, but my mother stopped me. It had been as much a gift from her as it
was a gift from me, so I walked it back to the car where I wouldn’t have to
look at it, opened the door and threw it in as hard as I could. The box bounced
off the passenger door and landed on the seat. The ring popped out and fell to
the floor. Then I slammed the heavy metal door shut.

 I walked
back to the cold granite edge and sat down. My legs hung off into the sea of
darkness.

 I played
over and over again in my mind what had happened, trying to figure out where I
went wrong, but I just couldn’t figure it out. I just didn’t understand why, if
everything was going as well as it seemed to be going, she would say no. NO! I
sat there until my ass was so cold from the rock that it hurt and my mind was
numb. Then I got back in the Cougar and went home.

 I drove up
to my apartment and saw Jo’s car parked out front on the street. I was so angry
at her that I actually had to choke back tears. It was 2:30 in the morning. I
was exhausted and still hadn’t figured out what to do, so I just turned around
and drove to my mother’s house.

 As I pulled
up the motion-activated light came on. The spare key was still under the old
bike seat on the porch so I let myself in. I kicked off my shiny black shoes
and hung my suit coat on the back of the kitchen chair. Then I unbuttoned my
dress shirt, pulled it off and laid it over my jacket. As I dropped onto the
couch like a felled tree the light in the upstairs hall clicked on. I pulled
the pillow up under my neck and closed my eyes. It felt so nice to close my
eyes.

 “Hello?” my
mother called from upstairs.

 “Hey mamma.
It’s just me.”

 “Alex?” I
heard her walk down the steps and up to the back of the couch. “Is everything
alright?”

 I took a
deep breath and again almost start to cry, but I caught myself.

 “She said
no.”

 “WHAT?
Something must be wrong. Did you talk to her?”

 “I don’t
know mamma. I’m just tired. I’m not trying to be rude, but I just need to get
some sleep.”

 “Okay
honey.”

 I felt the
warmth of a blanket lay across me and a hand on my shoulder. Then I slipped
away.

 I woke up
late the next day, sometime in the afternoon actually. A note from my mother
was propped up like a tent on the kitchen counter.

  Alex,

 I’ll be
home this evening, probably sometime around 7, and we can talk then. Help
yourself to anything in the cupboards or the fridge. If you want to wash up
there’s fresh towels in the linen closet, and I think there’s still a box of
some of your old sports clothes on the shelf in your bedroom. Try to take it
easy and I’ll be home soon.

     Love,

      Mom

 
I
found the box, most of which was old and useless, like cleats and pads, but I
did find a couple of tee shirts and a pair of joggers that smelled decent, so I
carried them with me to the shower, dropped all the clothes I was wearing into
a pile on the bathroom floor, including the utterly ruined pair of dress slacks,
then climbed into the shower and turned the water up so high my skin turned
bright red. I just leaned against the shower wall. Then I sat down in the
bathtub and let the water spray in my face.

 When the
water ran cold I climbed out, toweled myself off, put on my old shirt and
joggers and went into the kitchen for a bowl of frosted flakes. I fiddled with
the note on the kitchen table while I ate, trying to decide how much I wanted
to talk to my mother about what had happened. I didn’t really want to talk to
anybody right now, I just needed some time to think.

 The rest of
the afternoon I moped around the house, flipping through the pages of books I
usually enjoyed, trying to find some quiet from my own thoughts in this utterly
silent house.

 About half
an hour before my mother was supposed to be home, I put my wrinkled and worn
dress clothes back on and went out to the car to find the wedding ring. I set
the tiny box in the middle of the table and penned a quick note.

 
 Hey,

 Thanks
for letting me crash here last night. I’m covering a story out of town for a
while, something kinda last minute. I’ll drop you a postcard in a few weeks to
assure you I’m alright. I just need some time to clear my head. I love you,

    -Alex

 Then I
folded the note and slid it underneath the ring.

 Since my
apartment was exactly where Jo could find me, I was in no rush to get there
even though I needed to pack, so I took the long long way home, west through
Golden up into Boulder East through Aurora and then down into Denver. It was
like I was taking a tour of the city. On Federal I stopped at a tiny, hole in
the wall Vietnamese restaurant that I had wanted to try for a while and had a
bowl of minty-warm, amazing pho noodle soup. Then I crept my way home like I
was trying to avoid the police who I knew were staking out my flat. Jo was
still parked out front.
She must have been here all day.
I parked
towards the back of the parking lot across the street from my place, and
watched my kitchen window, waiting for the lights to go out in the apartment.
Three hours passed when I jerked myself awake. The lights were out.
Here we
go.

 I crossed
the street and climbed the stairs as though using the elevator might alert her
to my presence. Taped to the front of my door was a note.

  
Alex
please, I NEED to talk to you.

 
I
crumpled it up and tossed it over my shoulder into the hall.

 I waited and
listened. Nothing. I slid the key into the lock and slowly turned. I felt the dead
bolt slide back. Click. I turned the handle and pushed the door open. Nothing.
I kicked off my shoes by the door and quietly walked across the wood floor.

 There she
was. Lying with her leg stretched across my side of the bed like she always did
so she’d know when I came to bed. I wanted to touch her. Her brown curls
splayed across my pillow. Her small fingers half curled. Her perfect foot
hanging off the edge of the bed, begging me to lay the back of my hand across
its sole like I always loved to do.
But, none of this is mine any more.
Maybe none of it ever was; maybe that’s where I went wrong. I took too much
from you, too fast. But, I didn’t mean to TAKE anything. I thought you’d given
it to me… Obviously not. But if not then what was this all about? What was the
fucking POINT!
I clenched my fist. Then I stopped, opened my hand and took
a deep breath.
I need to go.

 I went to
the bathroom, pulled the door shut and flicked on the light so that a thin beam
stretched out into my apartment giving me just enough illumination to see what
I was doing. Then, somewhat indiscriminately, I filled a duffel with two pairs
of everything I could fit in it, went to the bathroom and grabbed some
deodorant and my toothbrush. I walked over to the small box sitting on my dresser.
From it I took out my blue passport.
I thought that my honeymoon was the
first time I’d finally get to use this thing
, I thought as I dropped it
into my bag. Then I walked to the front door.

 I stopped.

 I looked
back at Jo wishing to God that I hadn’t proposed; wishing that now was two days
ago when we were both so excited to see the play, excited about the future. But
it wasn’t.

 I went to
the kitchen and wrote Jo a note. I didn’t want to just disappear for three
months without her knowing where I was. I wasn’t leaving her forever, not
unless she wanted me too. I just needed some time, and three months didn’t seem
like it would hurt either of us.

 
Jo,

 I don’t
know exactly what to write, but I want to say I’m sorry for everything. I probably
rushed you and I wish I hadn’t. I wish…well, I wish for a lot of things, but
wishes obviously don’t come true in the real world, so I’m going away for a
while. Don’t worry, this isn’t the end, not if you don’t want it to be, I just
need some time to put myself back together. We’ve been together so much lately
that I’m not sure I know who I am any more without you around, so I’m going to
go and try to figure that out. I’ll see you in a couple of months. The
apartment’s paid for, so stay as long as you want.

    -Alex