If I Never Went Home (12 page)

Bea smiled. ‘Full of wisdom, is he?’

‘Tut-tut.’

‘Well, you’re called Dr. Payne. The only thing worse would be Dr. Hurt.’

‘I wondered how long it would take you to make fun of me. My whole family dines out on it. My sister especially is always telling people I became a doctor just to call myself Dr. Payne.’

‘I’m sorry. That was a bit wicked,’ she conceded. ‘So, is this vacation?’

‘A combination. I’m giving a paper at a conference, then taking a holiday.’

Bea considered the odds of having another opportunity like this. ‘You’re taking your family with you?’ she asked, her voice as disinterested as she could manage.

He hesitated. ‘I’m on my own. Might meet up with friends along the trip.’

She felt emboldened by his willingness to reveal these scraps of personal information. ‘Where are you going?’

‘Starting off in London for the conference. After that I catch a bit of the Edinburgh fringe theatre festival and then head back home.’

‘Hope you have a good time.’

‘I need a break,’ he replied sighing. ‘And I’m not going to come back and find you’re flipping pancakes with Pizza Man or self-harming, am I? Of course your hair is so short now you can’t hide cuts in your scalp.’

‘You’re like a mother hen. And you know I’ve not been cutting myself. Honest, I feel, well, how should I put it? It’s not jubilant but not down either. Kind of level. Neutral.’

‘Good. So I’ll see you in about three weeks?’

‘Yeah. See you. Don’t forget to come back – your patients need you.’

‘I’ll be back before you notice I was gone.’

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Queen’s College is putting on the Bump and Wine Fete the weekend before Carnival to raise money for computer equipment. It’s an all-day fete and the PTA is organising food stalls and running the bars. They are having a corn soup station, a doubles[1] station, a shark-and-bake stall, a roti section, and a tent with the usual peas and rice and stew chicken and that kind of food. If you still have room they’re making old-fashioned ice cream right there – coconut, soursop, and rum and raisin. DJ Mad Menz playing the latest soca tunes and Indian chutney music and Krazy Kool steelband from Laventille will keep the vibes going. One tune I can’t get out of my head is all about how a wasp (we call it a jep) sting this girl name Naina on she behind. I know it sound real foolish but I been singing it nonstop.

Everybody in Queen’s get two tickets that we must sell, but you can sell more if you want. When I brought home the tickets you should hear how Nanny start to carry on. Carnival is the devil’s doing. People does use it as an excuse to prance about half-naked and get on bad. The kind of grinding-up you see these days, they might as well be having full sexual intercourse in public. And is the women them who really doing the dirty, not the men. No sir, she not spending she little pension on no Carnival fete ticket. I explained how all of us have to sell at least the two tickets they sent home, but Nanny not budging.

‘Charmaine going with her family to the fete,’ I said.

‘Who is this Charmaine?’

‘Remember I went by her house during Christmas holidays? Is not like I went by anybody else.’

‘The white girl with curly dark hair?’

‘Yes.’

‘How much years she have?’

‘Same as me. Fourteen. Nearly fifteen.’

‘And what a girl with fourteen years doing going Carnival fete?’

‘She’s not the only one. Other girls in my class going. Is no big deal.’

‘No big deal? Well, all I have to say is that them can’t be proper Christian people. I should have sent you to the Convent school. Queen’s getting slack.’

I followed her in the kitchen. ‘But Nanny, please. I can’t be the only one who doesn’t buy the tickets.’

‘How much for them?’

I went and got the tickets from my backpack. ‘A hundred each.’

Nanny fold her arms and set up her face like rain. ‘Tina, you must be joking.’

‘That’s cheap. Most fetes nowadays cost a lot more.’

‘Hear you! Since when you know what fete does cost?’

‘I know from people in my class.’

‘You tell me where I going to find two hundred Trinidad dollars for fete tickets that we not even using?’

I sucked my teeth.

‘What you just do?’

‘Nothing.’

‘I hope that was nothing in truth, because if that was a steups it go be me and you today. You not too big to get a good cut-tail.’

‘Is not fair. I want to go.’

‘You too young for fete. And Tina, I can’t make no donation of two hundred dollars. You know how things tight.’

I sucked my teeth good so she could hear. ‘I don’t ever get to go anywhere except where you want to go and all you ever want to do is go to church.’

‘Go to your room.’

‘I don’t want to.’

‘Go right now before I put two hot lash on you.’

So that is her last word. Carnival is the devil’s work. Really? I don’t know what planet she living on. She doesn’t seem to understand that I am fourteen and a half. I will be fifteen soon and then sixteen next year. I could leave school and get a job when I’m sixteen. I don’t care what she says, I am going to be Bumping and Wining in three weeks’ time. Endless boys from the college next door will be there. The thing is how I going to find the hundred dollars for the ticket. Aunty Indra no better than Nanny, so no point in asking her. Granny Gwen has money but I can’t see her supporting a fete. I’ve heard enough about Satan in Carnival from Nanny to have to hear it from Granny Gwen too.

It’s now two weeks to go before the fete, and the only talk in school is who wearing what. Most girls going in denim shorts, and if you have a shiny top then you’re like the coolest thing ever. I tell people that I haven’t decided yet if I feel like going. Charmaine said I could go with them. Her parents could pass for me on the way to the fete and drop me back home after. This is the lime of the year. Everybody who is anybody going to be there. It will be like so amazing. I tried Nanny again but she threatened to hit me with the broom if she heard one more word about that so-and-so fete.

One week before the fete and the girls trying out different hairstyles in lunch break. Charmaine is going to have some tiny plaits in her hair with red and silver beads to match her top. Another girl was showing us how to do the latest eye makeup – thick lines of kohl on the eyelids. All I can think about is going to this fete. Even the teachers stop giving us homework because they too busy with the organising to have to mark it. I wish my Dad was around. He would be one of the dads helping in school and he would take me to the fete with him. He would tell Nanny she is over-reacting and that it’s normal for girls my age to party. And he would have a hundred dollars for the ticket – no problem – because he would have a big job and a nice ride.

This afternoon when I came home I went straight in front the TV. Nanny wanted to know why I was not doing my homework. She didn’t believe me when I told her I didn’t have any. She started on about how I’m lying, and to bring my books for her to see. That was it. First I can’t go to the fete and now I lying about homework. So I emptied the backpack on the floor right by her foot. I told her she could search the books for homework if she wanted. Then I stamped off to my room and slammed the door as hard as I could and locked it. Nanny started to bang on the door, trying the handle and yelling at me to come out now and clean up the mess and how I am rude and that is no way to treat my books. She could scream for the whole street to hear. I. Don’t. Care. This blasted old woman is ruining my life. Thanks, Mummy. Thanks a lot for leaving me alone here with this hateful old witch.

I have to find my Dad. It’s the only way out of this hellhole of church and church people. Once she let me go by a friend during the Christmas holidays. Once. And she doesn’t think it’s right to invite girls to our house. When I ask she says that I see them Monday to Friday and I don’t need to see them Saturday and Sunday too. Well, up yours, Nanny. That evening I never came out of my room to bathe or eat or anything. When I was fed up I turned off the light and went to sleep. Next morning I got up early and went to school before Nanny got up. The cleaners were still sweeping the classrooms when I reach.

You know the old woman was waiting for me on the veranda when I came home after school. She said she nearly went to the school but she didn’t want to shame me in front of everybody, but if I ever carry on like that again she will come to the school and give me one beating I will never forget for as long as I live. Imagine that. I am taller than her already. If she so much as lay a finger on me she will regret it. But I didn’t say anything. I play cool and went and had my shower. When I came out she had left a plate of food covered on the kitchen counter. I ate her tasteless rice and stew lamb, went to my room and took off the light so she would think I was sleeping. I don’t have anything to say to her. She didn’t have to put up with the teacher making fun of me in front the whole class when I returned the fete tickets today. They could all go fuck themselves. Yes, I know the F word and the C word and plenty more.

While everybody feting down the place on Sunday I will be in church for the nine o’clock service followed by a super interesting day in the company of Miss Celia. Oh, and guess what I find out? Miss Celia only done gone and give away my Boo-Boo. I can’t bear to think where my baby dog is now. Every time I think about it my stomach doubles up and I want to cry.

 Anyhow, Nanny is going on a Bible retreat after church, so I have to stay with Miss Celia until she pick me up around seven in the evening. Well, praise the Lord. Yeah right. Life is so unfair. I am not asking for anything special. Why must I always be the one who can’t have this and can’t do that? My Mom would never have treated me like this. Our home was always happy with whatever we had.

Nanny does make me feel like is my fault we never have enough money for anything except school uniforms, school books, and a few dresses for church. People must be fed up seeing me wearing the same old clothes week in, week out. I have exactly two pairs of shoes – one for school and one for church – but I am always being told that I should be grateful for everything I have. Of course I am grateful, my mother dead and nobody has a clue who my father is. If that is what I have to be grateful for in life, then screw life.

Saturday rolled up and I guess everybody in my class was either shopping or by the hairdresser fixing up for tomorrow while I home. Nanny decide is time the windows see a little water and soap. They so dirty that when she looks out she can’t see the neighbour big orange house properly. She only want to see people business. By the time I worked my way through the house it was lunchtime. I was so dog-tired I flopped down on my bed to chill out. About an hour later I heard Granny Gwen’s voice, and right after Nanny calling for me to come say hello and give the old sweaty lady a kiss. After that they settled down on the veranda.

I swear I didn’t plan any of it. It happened so quickly, and I have to admit it was kind of easy-peasy. Even so, my heart started racing and I felt like I was burning up. My hands were trembling. I could hear my breathing loud. Granny Gwen would never miss it. A woman like her have so much. The battered brown leather handbag was flopped on the kitchen table. I unzipped it as carefully as I could. Her black purse almost spilled out. Inside the notes were rolled up tight and shoved in. There were a few hundred bills. I only took a single hundred dollar bill. I’m not greedy. One hundred for the ticket and not a cent more. She had more money in that purse than I have ever seen since I born. Why should she have all that and I can’t even go to a stupid little fete? I am not asking for much – just a chance to hang with kids from my class.

I crumpled the note and put it in my pants pocket, zipped the bag and left it exactly as I had found it. The scriptures say thou shalt not steal. Maybe I should put it back before anybody realised what happened. But then, what if I get caught putting the money back? And I will save up and give it back same way I took it. She is always saying I am like another granddaughter, so she would want me to have this small loan. Yes, it’s a loan and a little one for a woman with a big hardware store.

I could hardly believe it. I actually have the ticket money. I don’t need to buy anything when I’m there. The question now is how to get out of staying by Miss Celia. All afternoon I thought about it while Nanny and Granny Gwen chatting and reading Bible. When Nanny called me it was to say goodbye. Granny Gwen was already holding her handbag when I came out. Her son Mr. Robin was waiting in the car outside. My heart was racing. There was no need for her to check her purse before she left, but I was so afraid today she would have some reason to open it. But she left without anything happening. Even if she missed the money later she would never know it was me. Never in a billion years would she think I had taken money from her purse. I think I’m home and dry. Now all I have to do is ditch Miss Celia.

I started after dinner pretending to have an upset tummy, and I kept making trips to the bathroom every half hour. Nanny gave me some tablets but I flushed them down the toilet. By the next morning I told her I was still not feeling well, and I should stay in bed for the day. I was really sorry to be missing church and seeing Miss Celia but I had to be near a toilet or else there could be an accident. The dumb old lady believed me. She left at eight o’clock in the morning and I didn’t expect her to come back before seven in the night. I deserved to go. Still, part of me felt a little queasy about the way she put out biscuits and cheese for me before she left. As soon as I figured she was down the road I called Charmaine and she said get ready because they picking me up about eleven.

I blow-dried my hair nice and straight and put on my only jeans and my best top that Aunty Indra had given me Christmas gone. Nanny never lets me wear makeup but I borrowed some of her powder and blusher and a little lipstick. Charmaine’s mom noticed I locked the front door and wanted to know where my grandmother was, and I told the truth. She was at a church retreat for the day and I was happy to be out with them rather than by myself. When we got to the school I told them I had to buy a ticket. Charmaine’s Dad also needed one. He bought both and would not take my money. I never expected to have extra money in my pocket. Or maybe I should keep it to put back in Granny Gwen’s bag next Saturday.

The fete was sweet for so. Everybody who was anybody was there liming, and plenty boys from the school opposite came. I dance down the place until my top was soaked right through with sweat. I did worry a little that someone might go back and tell Nanny I was at the fete, but she doesn’t know a soul in my school except Priya, and of course Priya not here. To be honest, it was a funny experience because I was having a good time, but in the back of my mind I kept thinking that if Nanny ever found out she would skin me alive. As soon as six o’clock reach I was looking to go home. And that is when the trouble started.

Charmaine’s family were having a ball and they didn’t want to leave yet. They only saying I should relax because my grandmother know I’m with them so she wouldn’t be worried. Well, I know better. I only spent ten dollars on a drink and doubles so I have more than enough to take a fast maxi-taxi rather than the bus to get home. It seemed like no taxi running. Five minutes gone. Six minutes. Seven minutes. Oh Jesus, please let me get home before Nanny. Nine minutes and a taxi finally stop. Thank you Jesus and all the saints. It was a quarter to seven when I unlocked the front door and ran straight in the shower. You wouldn’t believe this but as soon as I turn on the tap I heard Nanny’s voice calling for me. My dirty top and jeans were on the bed. I had to pray she didn’t go in my bedroom before I came out.