If Only (21 page)

It only takes a minute or two to reach Fyfe, which must have opened early today because the hallways are already abuzz with the chatter of students newly arrived after holiday break. I don’t even know what floor Noah lives on, so I decide to scan each one starting with the first. I walk past Griffin’s room. The door hangs open, and someone new stands inside, a boy I don’t recognize. My stomach sinks. He really is gone. Before this stranger has a chance to ask why I’m lurking in his doorway, I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn to see Duncan.

“Are ya lost?”

As always, he smiles. I do, too, because Duncan is exactly the person I need. I open my mouth to speak, but he answers my question before I ask.

“Room 202.”

I bounce up and place the most grateful kiss on his cheek. “Thank you, Duncan! Thank you!”

Bypassing the crowded elevators, I choose the stairs instead. I run, taking them two at a time, knowing I’ll be a sweating, panting mess by the time I arrive at his door, but I have to get there as quickly as possible.

As predicted, I pant, and sweat forms at my hairline, but I’m in front of door 202 before the elevator ever would have made it. I knock. No thinking, no hesitation. Just knocking.

“Noah, it’s me. We need to talk.”

Within seconds I hear the release of the lock, the turn of the handle. The door swings open only slightly, and I’m greeted not by Noah, but Hailey, in nothing but a tight camisole and boy shorts, her hair in what looks like a half ripped-out ponytail.

This isn’t happening. The anger and frustration have finally lost. Devastation officially takes control as hot tears press at my eyes.

“I’m sorry.” I can barely get the words out. “I shouldn’t have come here.”

I don’t trust myself on the stairs now, so I run to the elevators, push frantically on the call button, but the doors won’t open. Seconds later Hailey is standing next to me.

“Jordan, wait!”

I don’t try to hold back the tears. Still, I find it in me to glare at her through them.

“It’s not a good time right now.” At first I think she’s trying to comfort me, which would be just like her. Beautiful, smart, and annoyingly sweet. But something else in her tone registers. Possession. I may have come here to fight for Noah, but I’m not the only one.

Other than pressing the call button again, I don’t respond.

“I don’t know how much Noah told you about us, and this isn’t easy for me to say. But the reason we broke up before coming here, it was my fault. I freaked out about the finality of this year, of being cut off from everyone I knew but him, of being tied to him with such permanence.”

I wait for her to get to the punch line, to give me some clarity as to why Noah reacted the way he did.

“I cheated on him,” she says with obvious regret, but all I can think about is what she’s doing to comfort him now. “He was my first. And when I realized we were falling in love, I panicked. I mean, I loved that he was my first, but I wasn’t ready for him to be my only.”

I know Noah said they had history, but I get it now, how much she must have broken his heart and why he’d try again. He loved her. Maybe he still does.

“I didn’t know,” I say.

She smiles. “Look, the summer, the start of this year, it was complicated. But Noah forgave me. He understands. And now that he’s evened the score, we can try to get back to where we were.” I stagger back a step at the triumph in her words. If she was lying, I wouldn’t know. But Noah’s in that room. He heard me at the door, and he let Hailey greet me. What is left to fight for if he’s already made his choice?

The elevator doors open.

“We have history, Jordan, and maybe that’s easier for him right now.”

I guess history trumps two days.

I back into the elevator. “You’re right,” I say.

We stand facing each other, no more words passing between us as the door edges closed.

When I walk into the flat, Elaina is sitting on her bed. She sees me through her open bedroom door and knows not to ask. Instead she opens her arms, and I head straight to them.

“She was there.” It’s all I can say before everything I’ve been holding in, been holding back, pours out of me in hitching sobs. My own stupidity cancels out two nights of absolute perfection.

I lower myself to Elaina’s pillow, my swollen eyes burning as the tears slowly dry.

“I trusted him,” I say, my voice cracking on every word. “I trusted myself to believe it was real, and I let myself fall for him completely.”

Elaina strokes my hair, and I close my eyes. “It’s not a choice,” she says, her usually curt tone softened with sadness. “If I could choose who to love, do you think I would pick the boy in the skirt who drinks whisky and shoots the zombies on the television screen?”

I force a smile because I know she’s right. I fell for Noah before I knew him, even before he kissed me. He let me see parts of him one wouldn’t share with a stranger—his passion for a book, the questioning vulnerability in his eyes.

She pats me on the back. “Ah, see? You know. And if it was not a choice for you, then it was not a choice for him.”

I sniff back a residual sob threatening to break through. “But he didn’t choose me, Elaina. He chose her.”

“We’ll see,” she says, but I don’t respond. Exhaustion takes over, and my eyes grow heavy. She stays with me until I fall asleep.

I wake on Elaina’s bed, wondering how long I’ve been out. She’s not in the room. Her clock says it’s after eleven in the morning. Wow. I’ve been asleep for over an hour. I poke my head out her door and hear bustling in the kitchen. Once in my room, I peel off my clothes and wrap myself in a towel, grabbing my basket of toiletries. Today I pray for more than ten minutes of hot water. I want to rinse away the past two days, the past four months. After that, I’ll probably spend the afternoon counting the hours until my scheduled phone call with Sam. Midnight tonight. Other than wishing her a Happy New Year and telling her I had news, not much else was said in our short chat to celebrate the commencement of the American New Year. I’d give anything to have her here with me.

I shuffle down the hall toward the bathroom, but before I can make it into the privacy of the shower, Elaina calls from the kitchen.

“What are you doing, Jordan?”

I look down at my outfit, a towel and flip flops, and back up at Elaina.

“I thought it was kind of obvious.”

“Bullshit!” Elaina’s accent gives even a common vulgarity an exotic air. “You are going to do the, how do you say, the moping!”

I nod. “Well, first I was going to shower, but then, yes, I was going to do the moping.”

My eyes beg her to support my wallowing, but she doesn’t acquiesce.

“Take the shower,” she says, “and put on some clothes.” She raises a brow. “No elastic waist in the pants. Those are the moping pants. I do not have to be at work until five o’clock. Until then you belong to me. After that, you can mope all you want until classes begin tomorrow.

“Shit! Classes. Elaina, I need to borrow your laptop!” I run back to her room, holding tight to the towel that loosens with each stride. Her computer is open on her desk. I wake up the screen and frantically click on a browser, quickly navigating to the university’s registration database. “Please, please, please,” I mumble to myself. “Let there still be spots.”

I log in. One quick glance at the screen and I let out an exasperated scream before slamming the laptop shut. All English classes are closed. There are no schedule change options. Tomorrow morning at nine, I will have to face Noah for Shakespearean Comedy.

Chapter Nineteen

“Not to forget. Just to distract.” This is what Elaina says to me as we walk up and down Union Street in downtown Aberdeen. She put forth a good effort as in between cafés and retail boutiques, I found myself lost, maybe only for minutes, in the gray bricks, the notched parapets, the spires that, while centuries old, top the buildings that house stores like Top Shop, Waterstones, and HMV. For those minutes, I am grateful.

When we surrender to hunger, it is already three o’clock, so we decide on the Blue Lantern so Elaina won’t be late for work. Except for a few regulars, the bar is empty. Still, it feels like a win to sit in the coveted giant booth, even if it does make me think of Noah. Elaina did good today, diverting my attention. I may even have cracked a smile or two. Now, though, I wish desperately to talk to him. In the nine hours we sat together on that train, we never exchanged phone numbers. Why would we? Together for the night and what was supposed to be the next day, the thought never occurred to either of us. After seeing Hailey at his place, I feel completely cut off. I get it now, his reaction to my night with Griffin. I didn’t deserve his judgment, but I understand where it came from. Evening the score. That must mean kissing me. Sounds like he trusted Hailey, and she betrayed him. He trusted me, too, and it looks like I did the same. If he has to choose, why wouldn’t he go back to her? Elaina comes to the table with a pitcher of cider and two pint glasses. One of the many bonuses of her working here, and soon me, is a free pitcher of the tap special. As luck would have it, Sunday nights are cider nights.

“Only one for me,” I say. “I’ve got a nine a.m. class tomorrow.”

“Whatever you say, pussy lightweight.”

“Elaina!”

After that, there is food, and laughter, and maybe another pint or two since it was only three o’clock when we started. By the time five o’clock rolls around, Elaina is officially behind the bar, but she convinces me to stay a while longer. In addition to the tap special being cider, Sundays at the Blue Lantern are also eighties night as far as music is concerned, so when “Tainted Love” erupts out of the speakers, the smattering of patrons meander onto the dance floor. That is, most patrons aside from me.

I can’t dance. This is not false modesty. Comparisons have been made to Elaine from
Seinfeld.

I bring my pint with me to the bar, afraid of the looks I’ll get sitting alone in the giant booth. As I watch the dancers enjoying themselves, I get my sip and sway going.

“Tainted Love” ends, and the beat gets slower. “Take My Breath Away.” For the first minute of the song I stand there with my arms crossed, unable to move. I never thought my pathetic love life would be summed up by the
Top Gun
soundtrack, but Berlin tells me otherwise, singing of waiting for love.

“Uh-uh,” I say to myself, turning to face the bar.

“Another?” the bartender asks, but it’s not Elaina. Daniel, the first guy to ever serve me a drink in Aberdeen, greets me with a grin.

I shouldn’t. With each sip, I near my limit. But instinct overrides logic.

“Yes, thank you.”

“Strongbow, is it? That’s what Elaina said you’re drinking.”

I nod.

I raise my pint and say, “Cheers,” before sliding him a five-pound note, but he slides it back.

“You’re already on the docket as employee. This one’s on the house.”

Ordinarily I’d think Daniel was cute. He has a mess of sandy hair, almost like Griffin’s, but his eyes are green. His smile hangs slightly crooked, making him look like he knows something others don’t. So, yes, I guess I do notice how cute he is. But it doesn’t matter. He’s not Noah. Noah is, however, the one who walks through the door to the Blue Lantern right now. But he’s not alone. Hailey walks in behind him, and behind her is Duncan.

“Shite,” I say before downing the rest of my pint.

Elaina appears next to Daniel now, motioning for Duncan to come to us. He does.

“What are you doing?” Usually Elaina only teases Duncan, but now she actually sounds angry. “I asked you to get Noah to join you. He was not supposed to bring his girlfriend!”

I flinch at the word. “What did you guys do? Didn’t you tell Duncan what happened when I went to his room?”

Elaina turns to me, but her eyes give her away. “Maybe they are just friends now.” But her voice lacks its usual sureness, and she looks away as soon as she says it.

Despite her anger, Duncan leans across the bar and kisses her, and she obliges.

“Sorry, love. I popped ’round his room and invited him for a drink. He wasn’t too excited to come, and I’m pretty sure he knew it would be some sort of a setup. I mean, I’ve never had drinks with the bloke on my own before. When I met him in the lobby, she was with him. What was I supposed to say?”

Elaina’s eyes are narrow, and I’m at a loss for words, which I guess is good because the two of them are talking as if I’m not here.

“I don’t know. Maybe you should have told her that ex-girlfriends are not invited.”

I clear my throat. “Excuse me? Remember me? Not that two days really count, but I’m pretty sure I’m the ex-girlfriend, not her. Am I invited to this ambush?”

Elaina’s eyes widen, as do Duncan’s, because they’ve apparently never seen me angry before. But I’m furious. I’d probably gnaw my own arm off to talk to Noah right now, but if anyone was going to be ambushed today, it should have been him, not me.

“You guys could have told me.” I’m more than angry. I’m hurt. They are supposed to be my allies, and they mean well, but they messed up. Staying for one more pint is no longer an option. I stalk past Duncan and out into the early Aberdeen night.

Once outside I realize my jacket and purse are still nestled in the booth. I’m cold, bordering on drunk, and stuck having to go back in there. This would be a good time to take up pacing.

Only a few minutes later, the pub’s door opens, and Daniel walks out. I get my hopes up for a second until I note he does not have my jacket or purse. He does have two shot glasses, though.

I laugh. “Elaina must not have told you about me.”

He raises a brow, handing me one of the shots. “What do you mean?”

“I’m a pussy lightweight when it comes to drinking. Her words.”

He laughs. “Yeah, she told me. That’s why I brought you this. I figure you only need one to obliterate whatever it is that’s keeping you from going back inside. Cheers.”

I take one whiff of the brown liquid and know exactly what it is, and I drink it anyway.

“Drambuie. Cheers.”

While I am tipsier than hell at this point, the shot doesn’t obliterate anything. It doesn’t change Noah being inside with Hailey. My friends, though with good intentions, totally set me up. But I don’t have the heart to disappoint Daniel’s efforts.