If the Shoe Fits (21 page)

“Your girl?
Your
girl?”

Muse hissed at Max and scrambled out of Danny's arms, landing on her feet and circling Max in a way that was really quite menacing. Eleanor groaned and wondered what else could go wrong, when Teddy turned up too, clasping a pint of stout.

“Ellie, darling, thanks for bringing me; I'm having a marvelous time!”

“Bloody hell, just how many men have you got?” exploded Max, running a hand through his hair and looking completely dazed.

“Oh, my Ellie's a popular girl,” said Teddy proudly, not realizing the damage he was causing. “She's always been one for the lads.”

“Bloody hell,” muttered Eleanor, banging her head on the table.

“Of course, I was as surprised as anyone when Eleanor told me that I was in Gretna Green this morning, but she's a good girl, my Ellie, and she soon put me straight.”

“You were in Gretna Green?”

“Oh yes, rather embarrassing actually,” continued Teddy. “Won't get into too many details here, you understand. I had the shock of my life when Ellie showed up with her two favorite men alongside her.”

“You were there, too?” said Max, looking at Danny and Jake in amazement. “What was it? Some kind of triple wedding? Bloody hell!”

“It's not what you think,” said Eleanor weakly.

Max glared at her coldly, then yelped as Muse bit him on the ankle.

“You people are crazy, I'm out of here.”

“Max! Wait!”

But Charming started walking, pausing only to give Eleanor one last disgusted look.

“He seemed a bit upset,” remarked Teddy absently. “Perhaps he's had a little too much to drink. Probably better that he went home, eh? Still, the night is young!”

Teddy wandered off in search of another pint, leaving Danny and Jake to comfort Eleanor, who was in the process of giving herself a concussion via a severe bout of head-banging.

“Do you want us to go after him?” asked Jake gently.

“No,” sighed Eleanor, sitting up and rubbing the bruise that was forming on her head. “What's the point?”

“How about a nice glass of wine?” suggested Danny.

“No, definitely not wine. I need vodka, and plenty of it.”

• • •

One hour and five vodkas later, Eleanor was drunk. Very drunk. So drunk, in fact, that she had reached the maudlin stage. Danny and Jake, equally inebriated, were sat with their arms draped around each other and trying to offer words of advice.

“The thing ish, he just mis-hunderstood,” said Danny. “All you need to do is ex-schplain things to him, then it'll all be bickety-too.”

“S'right, just explain, Ella. He'll probably understand. Maybe. Hopefully. Well, maybe not, actually, but you won't know 'less you try, will you?”

“Really, boys, this isn't helping,” chided Muse.

Jake giggled.

“Danny, the pussy's talking again.”

“I know, ish-n't it the cutest thing you've ever heard?” replied Danny, attempting to ruffle Muse's head but missing by a few inches.

“God, and I actually thought I was starting to like you,” said Muse disgustedly, causing Jake to giggle again.

“Don't have a go at my friends, Muse, you're partly to blame for this entire mesh. I mean mess.”

“What did
I
do?” asked Muse indignantly.

Eleanor slumped in her chair and rested her chin on the table. She suddenly didn't know where to start when it came to apportioning blame.

“We'll sort it out, don't worry,” said Muse, jumping on to the table and brushing against Eleanor's arms affectionately.

“This is ridiculous!” cried Eleanor suddenly. “I'm going after him. Right now. This instant. Danny! Get me another vodka. Then I'll go.”

“That's the sh-pirit!” said Jake, hiccupping into his drink. “Dan, get me another one too, while you're there.”

“Three vodkas coming up!” said Danny, standing up unsteadily.

“Oh Lordy!” wailed Muse. “This just keeps getting worse and worse.”

Danny returned almost immediately with three glasses of wine, much to Eleanor's disgust.

“Where's the vodka?”

“Bar was crowded,” said Danny as he sat down. “I filched these from a table over there.”

Jake glared at him.

“What?” said Danny. “The table was empty. And the glasses are full. Alcohol is alcohol, people.”

Eleanor shrugged her shoulders and downed the wine in one hit, dribbling some down the front of her dress.

“I don't think Mrs. Douglas will want that dress back,” remarked Muse.

“I'll chend her a seck in the morning. Whoops. Send her a check, I mean,” said Jake, swallowing a hefty burp.

“And I agree with your earlier opinion. We should definitely keep the kilts too,” said Danny, grinning wickedly — or at least trying to — at his boyfriend.

“Right!” said Eleanor, wobbling to her feet. “I'm ready! Now, which way did he go?”

“Sit down, Ella,” said Muse briskly. “If you're determined to go after your prince, you need to know where he lives. Now, where's his office?”

“Third floor. Upstairs,” said Eleanor helpfully.

Muse rolled her eyes and told Eleanor to wait until she returned.

“And no more alcohol!” she added sternly.

“Ella?”

“Yes, Danny?”

“I really love your cat, she's awe-shome.”

“She does rather grow on you,” said Eleanor, stifling a yawn. “Bloody hell, I can't fall asleep now! Quick, get me another glass of whatever you can get your hands on before Muse gets back.”

Danny saluted sharply, and promptly fell on the floor.

“Or maybe not,” said Jake, grinning stupidly. “Bloody hell, Ella, give me a hand, will you? He's showing everyone his bits!”

“Crikey!” said Eleanor. “I thought you were joking about the whole naked-under-the-kilt thing. Blimey, Jake,
you're
a lucky boy, aren't you?”

Muse returned just as Jake and Eleanor, amidst many giggles, were returning a semi-conscious Danny to his chair.

“I can't leave you alone for five minutes,” tutted the cat. “Now then, come on Ella, dear, I have his address. If you're still determined to see him, let's go get this prince of yours.”

“I'm ready,” said Eleanor, patting herself down. “Hang on a sec. Jake? How do I look?”

Jake blinked at her and considered the rumpled dress, complete with red wine stains down the front and ketchup on the sleeves. He slowly raised his slightly unfocused eyes to her hair, which had fallen free of the elegant topknot of earlier that day, and was back to its usual frizz, and fragranced, no doubt, by eau de hamburger. He smiled.

“You look like my Ella,” he said gently. “Go get 'im, sweetie.”

“Thanks, Jake, you're the best,” said Eleanor, stopping to bestow a watery kiss on her friend's cheek.

“Come on then,” said Muse impatiently. “I want to get home at some point this evening, it's been a very long day.”

“No kidding,” said Eleanor. “Right, I'm definitely ready now. Let's go.”

Eleanor had to hide Muse beneath her dress in order to flag a taxi, but she managed it. Just. The journey to Max's rented home took a little under ten minutes, and each minute was torture for Eleanor. Not only was she worried about the confrontation that she was heading for, but she had a cat hiding under her dress who, if found, would cost Eleanor a hefty fine that she just didn't have, and a stomach that was churning so much she was in danger of landing a different kind of fine altogether.

Thankfully, they arrived without any mishap. Eleanor opened the door and carefully moved her leg in order for Muse to slip out unnoticed, and handed the driver the last of her money to pay for the fare.

Max lived in one of the posh new houses just past Culverhouse Cross. Cardiff Mode was currently paying his rent as well as his wages, according to Muse.

“Crikey, that must cost them a fortune,” said Eleanor quietly, looking at the cul-de-sac of mansion-like houses surrounding them. “Which one is it, Muse?”

“Number fourteen,” replied the cat.

“Okay,” said Eleanor, swallowing nervously. She smoothed her dress a little and patted at her hair, picking out some of her lunch and flicking it away in disgust. She checked the road, then started to cross to the other side of the street, Muse padding alongside her. Max's house was in darkness except for a tiny light shining from an upstairs window. Eleanor took a deep breath and rang the doorbell, adding two quick raps on the door for good measure.

She waited for perhaps ten minutes before finally admitting that he either wasn't there, or he was ignoring her.

“Looks like we're walking home, Muse,” said Eleanor, doing her best not to bawl her eyes out as she picked up the cat.

“Maybe he's not home,” suggested Muse, burrowing into her neck. “Or maybe he's sleeping. It
is
late.”

“No,” said Eleanor. “Don't try to be nice, Muse. He probably heard the taxi and as soon as he knew it was me, decided not to answer the door. I mean, can you blame him? I majorly messed up tonight, didn't I? He thinks I got married in a twisted three-way ceremony. He probably thinks I'm a complete tart, especially after I practically threw myself at him the other day. Not to mention the flashing thing. God, that man's seen my bottom so many times!”

“Calm yourself, Ella. I know you think he's the man for you, and up until a few hours ago, so did I, but to be completely honest, I'm not so sure any more. I didn't like the way he spoke to you earlier. I think we should look for another prince.”

Eleanor walked a few steps and sat down on the curbside, placing Muse in her lap and smoothing the cat's fur absently. It was a good hour's walk back into town, and another twenty minutes further to Eleanor's house. Her phone's battery was dead, she had about fifty pence in her purse, and her foot was sore. She took off her shoe and examined her foot, noting the specks of blood that were dotted on the bandage.

“This has to be the worst night of my life,” she said morosely.

Just then, two things happened. The sky gave an almighty crack of thunder, and great big drops of rain started coming down. And if that wasn't bad enough, a light from a downstairs window of Max's house suddenly came on. Eleanor peered over her shoulder and saw something which shook her from her stupor.

“The
rat
! The stinking, low-down,
shagging rat!
” she cried, jumping to her feet.

Muse landed on the floor and looked back at the house, confused by Eleanor's rage. She blinked, shook her head, and blinked again.

“Is that a
woman
with him?” she asked faintly.

“Too bloody right, it is,” said Eleanor angrily.

Max was clearly visible through the window, and he was currently sitting head to head with a leggy blonde, stroking her back idly.

“I can't believe the cheek of him! That's it! I give up! Take that, you shagging bastard!”

Eleanor's shoe hit the window with a thud, causing Max and the blonde to jump. A few seconds later, the front door opened.

“Eleanor! What the hell are you doing here?”

“Rat! You stinking, dirty, frigging rat! I came to
apologize
! I came to put things right! And you've got another frigging woman with you! RAT!”

Eleanor removed her other shoe and threw it at Max, hitting him in the chest just as the last “rat” escaped her lips. She scooped up Muse and walked away, ignoring the pain in her foot as she stepped on tiny bits of grit.

“I can't
believe
him!” muttered Eleanor angrily. “I can't believe
me
! God, what was I thinking? I hardly know the man! ARGH!”

A flash of lightening followed by a particularly loud clap of thunder made Eleanor drop Muse to the floor.

“And I
bloody hate thunder
!” she wailed, giving in to the tears that had been threatening to fall for the last five minutes.

“Eleanor?”

Eleanor turned around and glared at Max, who had caught up with her and was holding her shoes up in the air.

Eleanor snatched her shoes and dropped down to the floor, shoving her feet into them roughly.

“I don't know what the hell is going on here, but that was my sister.”

“Yeah, of course it was,” said Eleanor scornfully, knotting her shoes viciously.

Max crouched down and grabbed her hands, pulling her to her feet.

“It really
is
my sister,” he said. “Though why I'm telling you that is beyond me.”

Eleanor brushed her sodden hair from her eyes and hiccupped, not sure whether she believed him or not. Muse was threading in and out of Max's legs and grinning at Eleanor. Well, she had her mouth open and was showing her teeth, which Eleanor assumed was the cat version of a grin, at any rate.

“I'm not married,” said Eleanor suddenly. “Either to my two best friends,
or
my father.”

“Your father?” said Max faintly.

“Yeah, that was my dad earlier.”

“Oh.”

“It's a long story,” she sighed, seeing the look of confusion on Max's face. “It started yesterday morning with me visiting my dad, and ended up with me wearing a wedding dress as I tried to stop a wedding in Gretna Green.”

“Okay,” said Max slowly. “So you're definitely not married? And those guys earlier aren't part of your harem?”

“No, they're not!” said Eleanor in a rush. “I mean, it was just a misunderstanding! It really was! And I know I must look strange, what with the wedding dress, and the hamburger hair, and everything, but it's been
such
a strange day! And I'm sorry for standing you up last night. It wasn't my fault, I
swear.
I really wanted to spend the night with you, but I ended up spending it sleeping next to a jar of smelly gherkins instead! And — ”