If You Still Want Me (6 page)

I love the club, the estate and caring for the
horses. I love Brandon and Emma. I love Victoria. I'm in love with
Saul.

That last thought and a quick shower sobers me
back up. I'll never be able to live so close to him without
touching, or without the temptation and unrequited feelings
shredding my soul. Saul's embedded into every piece of this life. I
can't have it without him. I can't have him with it.

I can't keep doing this.

I'll give him tonight. I'll play video games
with him, bask in his smile and pretend it could work - that we
could go back; that I could forget what I feel for him; that just
his friendship will be enough.

It won't be, but for tonight, I'll try.

I'll try to not completely lose my shit at
finding a half-naked woman hog-tied with a big, red satin bow,
sittin' pretty in the middle of Saul's bed.

What. The. Ungodly. Fuck.

"Happy New Year!" Saul's exuberant announcement
barely registers through the shock.

I feel myself teetering slightly. Damn, I think
I'm finally about to fall over that edge I've been walkin' along
for so long. Saul's hand slaps my back, and I think it's the final
push.

"W-what the hell, man?"

"This here's Cinnamon," he grins, motioning
towards the beautiful brunette.

"I know who she is," I ground out, trying not to
glare at the poor girl who's been caught between my cowardice and
Saul's irrational conclusions. "Hey, Cin."

"Happy New Year, honey," she winks, but I can
see her smile faltering a bit. I think she's picking up the vibes
my whole body is quivering with - that this is wrong on so many
levels.

"She's agreed to help me give you a happy New
Year," Saul continues, completely oblivious to the fact that I'm
unraveling right in front of him. "I want you ta just trust me,
buddy, and relax a bit. I'll Assist, an' you won't regret it, I
promise."

My mind splits in two - trying to find a reason
to decline that won't give my secret away, and trying to talk
myself into accepting the offer just so I can touch him. "What
about Victoria? You never Assist without her."

"She released me this afternoon," he points at
his naked neck, where a leather collar usually marked him as
taken.

The rest of him is barely covered - dressed in
his usual club bondage gear of a chest harness and these little
leather boy-shorts that choke my tongue. Damn the Devil, I think
the bastard is wearing a cock harness beneath those shorts. Next to
my casual denim, his leather has me geared-up beyond reason.

"It's just 'till she gets back in town," he
explains while my eyes bug. "This whole thing was her idea! Said
you just needed a good push, and that I can make amends for bein'
so stupid."

"She..." That crazy woman. I'm
gonna... I... I
can't
keep doing
this - and Victoria knew just what was needed to do me
in.

"Cin, I'm sorry," I whisper as I untie her.
"It's nothing at all to do with you, but-"

"It's okay, honey," she kisses
my cheek then hugs me tight before whispering in my ear that
she
knows
.

As she leaves the room, my hands fist and I turn
to Saul. The mix of anger and pain on his face grabs a tight hold
on my heart and squeezes. "Saul..." I exhale, but after that, I got
no clue what I'm gonna say.

"Now what the fuck I do wrong?!" His hands drop
to his sides in dismay. "I though you'd like 'er. I thought I could
fix it. Why can't I fix what I broke?!"

The tears in his eyes pull me over the edge
quicker than anything Victoria's done or said. "You didn't break
anything. None of this is your fault."

"Yes it is! I know, Austin!
I
know
," he sniffles hard before
going quiet again with his gaze lowered to his shuffling feet. "I
know I make you uncomfortable 'cause I like men same as I like
women. I know you caught me lookin' at you. I-"

"I'm gay, Saul."

With those three words, all the air is sucked
from the room at the same time a rush of relief washes over me.
It's done. There's no taking it back now. I feel lighter than I've
ever felt before.

But now that it's said, I have no idea what
comes next. Where do we go?

No.
We
don't go anywhere. It changes nothing. He belongs
to Victoria, with or without the collar.

"You... Yer
what
?" Saul's head is tilted at a
neck-wrenching angle, like he can't quite figure out what I
said.

Inhaling slowly, I let myself be me. "I'm
gay."

"Since when?"

"Fourteen," I try to smile. It feels good being
this open with him, but I'm still wired with nervous anxiety. "At
least, that's the summer I first realized I preferred the boys in
their swim trunks to the girls in their bikinis."

"Fourteen.
Fourteen
? You mean, all this time, you...
and you... I thought..."

"Saul, I'm sorry, but I had my reasons for not
sayin' so. I..."

I thought I had good reasons, but standing
there, looking at his face, they all seem like cowardly reasons
instead. I'd had a few scenarios imagined for how Saul might react.
It never crossed my mind that he would haul back and hit me.

Soon as my fist connects with Austin's jaw, I
regret it, but I'm so fuckin' angry I could spit nails. Muttering
under my breath, "God damn sumbitch", I leave him standin' in my
room with a shocked look on his face. Guess he didn't think I'd hit
him for bein' so dishonest with me all this time. Guess he thought
I'd just grin and bear it like I always do.

I'm
Balder,
after all.
That's the
club name Brandon gave me while we was planin' this whole BDSM
thing in college. Balder - the Norse god 'a love, light an'
reconciliation. Balder - the stupid, trusting dope who gets killed
with a sprig 'a mistletoe.

Looking up, I see a lock of mistletoe hanging in
the hallway, left over from Emma's Christmas decorating. Funny
shit. I'm all chuckles on the inside, really.

Fuck, I need a damn drink.

'Course the dang bar is
surrounded by club members I don't rightly wanna deal with right
now. Brandon's playing bartender, anyway, and he'd refuse to pour
me anything but a Coke. Six years sober, an'...
Shit.
Six
days
sober...
Fuck it.

Dodging curious glances from members, I walk
into the kitchen, completely ignoring Ian as I head for the fridge.
I fist four bear bottles by the neck and turn to find him staring
at me with arms crossed. "Not now, Ian."

"Give me the beer," he holds out his
leather-gloved hands to take them.

"I aint no kid who needs you actin' like my damn
keeper."

"I know," he calms his voice, trying to make me
see reason, but I just want a damn drink. "Please, Saul. You don't
want to do this. Let me make you a root beer float instead."

Bastard. He knows how much I love root beer
floats.

"C'mon," he pushes, that twitchy smile 'a his
startin' ta win me over. "You can drown in ice cream and tell me
what's bugging you."

Ian's always been a good friend who listens.
'Course, he's also been a good friend who lies. "You knew 'bout
Kyle and Sarah?"

The smile drops and worry fills in hazel eyes.
"I did."

Well, least he aint bullshittin' me about that.
"How 'bout Austin? Did you know he's gay?"

"Well, I..." His voice trails off as the door
behind me opens. Ian's gaze flicks between me and who I assume is
Austin standing behind me. Ian's shoulders sink as he nods. "Yeah,
man. I figured as much."

I spin around to glare at
Austin. "Bet everyone but me done figured it out. Like usual, I'm
too fuckin' stupid ta get in on the joke. Like usual, I
am
the damn joke! So, y'all can take yer
lyin', A.A.-meetin' asses an' ride the first train ta'
Hell!"

Beers in hand, I shove past Ian to exit out the
back door. It aint 'till my bare feet hit the cold gravel that I
realize I'm still in my damn leathers. Right fuckin' peachy, that
is.

"Saul, hold up," Austin calls after me, but I
ignore him and the frigid temp as I make a beeline for the barn.
"Dammit, man! At least take your sweater."

He's joggin' ta keep up with my long legs, but
it's not 'till I reach the center post inside the barn that I stop.
He's got my U of T hoodie and my Converse sneakers in his hands,
like some lousy peace offerin'. I shiver an' figure I can be mad
and warm at the same time.

"Thanks," I mutter, setting the beer bottles
down in the dirt before slipping on my shoes and hoodie.

My legs are still cold, and the cock harness
under my shorts has become a chaffing discomfort. Serves me right,
I guess.

Stuffing my hands into the hoodie's front
pockets, I find my cellphone that I'd been lookin' all damn day
for. Great. Now I can get drunk and make a fool outta myself
messaging Vickie.

"Why don't we go back inside and talk," he
motions towards the door. "I don't want you getting sick out
here."

"Thanks,
mom
, but I'm fine. If'n you don't mind,
I'd rather drink alone."

"I do mind. I think we need to talk."

"Whatever," I huff, my breath visible. Picking
up a beer. I tap the head against a metal bracing around the pole
to uncap it. I offer it to him without thinking. He takes it, so I
uncap another. "What? Not gonna tell me I aint s'posed ta be
drinkin'?"

He stares at me long and hard with his gray eyes
drillin' a hole through my chest, then he takes a sip with a shrug.
"As your friend, I don't like it, but I aint your sponsor. It's
your decision."

"Friends, are we?" I grumble with the bottle
pressed to my lips.

His shoulders droop at that, one hand setting
against his hip. "I don't know how else to say it, except I'm
sorry. I thought I was saving us trouble by not telling you."

That don't make a lick a sense
ta me. "How? What could'a possibly happened with me knowin' yer..."
Then it hits me. Oh.
Oh, damn
. "So,
you
were
checkin' me out in the
showers at the gym last month!"

His eyes go wide as he takes a step back. Ha!
Caught ya.

My anger falters a bit, because it's kinda
funny. I've been attracted to him. He's been attracted to me. We're
just a couple 'a stupid guys who couldn't figure it out. Blond
bangs fall over my eyes as I shake my head with a little
chuckle.

"Think of all the fun we could'a been havin'
this whole time, you stubborn, Spanish mule! I don't think Vickie
would 'a minded. In fact, she seems dead set on pushin' the two of
us together. Fuck, man, why not just tell me?"

"Because it's not what I want. I tried
explaining it to her, but she wouldn't listen."

"What ya mean,
it
aint what you want
? I know damn well you've
caught me gawkin' at you, not that you can blame me with that tight
ass 'a yours. And I don't think them showers is the only time
you've eye-fondled me, neither!"

He's lookin' uneasy now, like a horse that's
been stabled too long. His boots are pacing the dirt as one hand
runs angrily through his thick, black hair. I wonder if it's not me
he doesn't want - but everything that comes with me in the
bedroom.

"Look, buddy," I feel like I'm tryin' to coax a
wild horse to nuzzle my hand. Damn, now that I know, I really wanna
touch him. "If you prefer vanilla, that's fine. I don't gotta be in
leather and Vickie aint gotta crack her whip. We could-"

"That's not the problem," he stops pacing, his
eyes immediately falling to my shorts. A shiver shakes his whole
body, an' I don't think it's got anything ta do with the cold.

"You like it," I grin, setting my beer down. I
aint even had a single sip, but I'm drunk on the idea 'a me and him
havin' some overdue fun. When I shed my sweater to the ground, I
get the answer Austin's eyes can't hide. "Actually, I think you
love it."

Hand fisted around his beer, he reorients his
gaze to the side. "You don't understand."

"Then make me," I tease, takin' a step forward.
The arousal naturally shifts me into brat-mode. I've already got
ideas racin' through my head, swellin' my dick within the confines
of its harness. "C'mon, Austin. Vickie done released me 'till she
gets back, and now I know why. You and me - we gotta sort ourselves
out."

"We don't want the same things, Saul, so
please-"

"What? You want me to be the dominant?"

"No, I-"

"Okay, so you like a good boy
in bed?" I watch his sharp inhale, and I know he does. "That's me
to a T. Well, I
can
be good, but
sometimes it takes a firm hand to bring me in line."

I hear him swallow. Fuck me sideways, he's all
for that! The desire's comin' off him in waves, hitting against me
and pulling me in closer. Somethin's holdin' him back, though. I
gotta find out what it is so I can unwind it.

Damn, it's like a burnin' itch I have'ta
scratch. I can't stand ta' see him so bound up inside. I gotta set
this man free.

"Austin," I touch his chest, looking down at his
long eyelashes as he avoids my gaze. "This don't gotta change our
friendship, if that's what yer worried about. You an' me - we're
thicker than molasses. You know that. Aint nothin' wrong with
wantin' something a little bit more."

His chest rises and falls, tightening the cotton
t-shirt against hard pectorals my tongue is desperate to be
introduced to. After another deep breath, he responds. "What if I
want more than a little?"