If You Want Me (4 page)

Her back ached from sleeping on the chair in the waiting room most of the night, then in this one beside her mother’s bed. A blanket lay bunched up around her waist. She had a vague memory of a nurse bringing it to her last night in the waiting room, yet didn’t remember carrying it into her mother’s room less than an hour ago.

Careful not to wake her, Alice freed her hand from her mother’s. Rosa stirred, moaned softly, then settled back into sleep. Alice watched her for several minutes, making sure she rested peacefully. Finally, she walked to the door and exited the room. Outside, she dropped her head and began massaging her neck as she walked toward the nurses’ station.

“Morning.”

Instantly, Alice’s head whipped up, her stomach fluttering. “Marcus,” she said, hating how breathless she sounded. “What are you doing here?”

He smiled. In one hand, he held a bouquet of purple tulips. In the other, he held a large Starbucks coffee cup.

“I figured I should drop these off for your mother.”

Her eyes roamed over his body as he moved away from the nurses’ station and strolled toward her. He wore black jeans and a black turtleneck, which showcased his incredible physique to perfection. He’d become more muscular over the years. His chest was broad, his biceps huge. No doubt his powerful body was a result of his rigorous training
as a police officer. As he stared at her with his dark eyes, she stared right back, memorizing the face she hadn’t seen in years. His lips were still sensuous and full. His eyes still had the power to pierce her skin and make her flush. But his hair was different; he wore it so short now that he was almost bald. A trim goatee framed those damn full lips. Lord, why did her gaze keep coming back to his lips?

“How’s she doing?” As Marcus handed her the flowers, Alice got a whiff of his musky cologne. The scent woke her up. She realized she was staring and immediately jerked her gaze away.

“As far as I know, she’s been asleep since the surgery.” Had Rosa awakened and taken her hand, or had that simply been a reflex action? “The surgery was successful.”

“I’m glad to hear it.” Marcus gave her a quick once-over, noting she wore a pair of fashionable high-heeled boots that probably cost as much as his week’s salary. He passed her the Starbucks cup. “This is for you.”

She looked at the cup he held before her. “Coffee?”

“I didn’t know how you take it, so it’s black, but I’ve got creamers and sugar in my pocket.”

“Oh, there is a God.” Cradling the flowers in one arm, she accepted the cup. She closed her eyes and inhaled the heavenly aroma. “Thanks.”

“No problem. Cream and sugar?”

“No thanks. I just want the caffeine.” She took a sip. “You didn’t have to come.”

“I know.” He’d been certain he would find her here. And while he’d told himself not to come, that he should simply stay away from Alice, he had
somehow gotten into his car this Saturday morning and driven here in search of her. Yes, he had wanted to check on Rosa because he’d known her for years. But something in his heart made him come here for Alice, because he knew that seeing her mother would be hard on her and he still felt the need to protect her. Old habits died hard.

“Well, thanks.”

“No problem,” Marcus said.

Silence fell between them, then Marcus asked, “How are
you
?”

Alice understood the question, and immediately felt thankful for Marcus’s presence. How thoughtful of him to come here for her, the way he would have back in the day. Coming here would undoubtedly bring up sad memories over his own mother’s death to cancer seventeen years ago, which made his trip that much more selfless. But that only made her feel more guilty for letting their friendship die over the years. “It’s been strange, really. I’m not even sure she will want to see me.”

“I know it’s got to be hard, but all I can say is hang in there.”

“I’m trying.” Her eyes met and held his. She shifted uncomfortably beneath the weight of his gaze. She spoke to break the tension. “I do appreciate this, Marcus.”

“No problem.” He paused, then said, “Look, I’m gonna get out of here. I just wanted to pop by and say hi.”

“Wait,” Alice said as Marcus turned. He stopped and faced her with a curious expression. “Your number.” Alice gave him a tentative smile. She didn’t like this wall between them and knew she had to do
whatever possible to break it down. She appreciated him thinking about her, caring about how she must feel now, even though she’d more or less turned her back on him thirteen years ago. “Maybe you could give me a way to reach you—in case I need to talk.”

“Oh.” Marcus’s eyes betrayed no emotion. “Sure.”

“Just let me get a pen.”

Alice went to the nearby nurse’s station, placing the flowers and coffee on top. Snagging a pen and paper, she turned around, took a step, and nearly collided with Marcus. She didn’t realize he’d followed her.

“Sorry,” they both said at the same time.

“Here,” Alice said after a moment. She didn’t meet his eyes as she handed him the pen and paper. Time and distance had made them polite strangers.

He jotted down his number and passed the pen and paper back to her.

“Who knows, I may call on you to do your civic duty sooner than you think.” He merely shrugged, and Alice realized that he wasn’t buying into her attempt at humor. She stuffed the number in her pocket. “Thanks, Marcus.”

He turned and took a few steps, then stopped and faced her again. His gaze roamed over her body, taking in the changes. Her legs were slim beneath flowing black pants. Her waist was tiny, but at least her hips were full. He hated that anorexic-waif look where women didn’t even have a figure. Alice definitely had one. She looked good.

Yes, she had changed, and if it was just physical, it wouldn’t bother him. But her character had
changed as well. She truly wasn’t Alice Watson anymore. She was Desirée LaCroix, Hollywood diva.

“How long do you plan on staying in town?” he asked.

“I’m not sure yet. Apparently my mother will need help for the next several weeks. But I’ve got a couple of film roles I’m considering…God, that must sound shallow. I just mean that if my mother gets better sooner than we expect…” She let her statement hang in the air.

“I hear you,” Marcus said, though he didn’t believe her. Why wouldn’t she run back to Hollywood as soon as she could? Her own words indicated that her career was more important than being here for her mother.

Not that he didn’t understand how hard coming back was for her. But deep down, he knew there was nothing keeping her here in Chicago. “Well, if you feel like calling me before you take off, you know where to reach me.”

His tone said he expected her to head off in the next day or two. Certainly, that was tempting, but she couldn’t. Not yet. She was here, and she’d deal with her mother. Come what may.

He turned to leave again and she realized with surprise that she didn’t want him to go. Maybe it wasn’t fair to ask him to stay, but she suddenly craved his comfort. She craved a gentle squeeze of his hand or the soft smile he used to give her so many years ago. So, as he reached for the handle, she asked, “How’s your father?”

Marcus paused then faced her again. “Fine.” Until she’d asked the question, Marcus hadn’t realized how much he wanted to stay and chat with her.
Like he’d done so often in the past. After Alice had left, he hadn’t had another friend quite like her with whom he could share his feelings and concerns. In high school, she had understood his pain over losing his mother to cancer because she’d lost her father. They’d formed a connection he thought would never break.

But it had, and right now, it wasn’t only the several feet of ceramic floor stretching between them. “Dad’s retired and living in Florida now. Tampa.”

“And your sister?”

“Janice is in St. Louis. Fell head over heels in love with some football player from Canada she met at a wedding. I’ve never seen anyone pack up and move out of here so fast.”

“You’re kidding!” The thought of Marcus’s younger sister, who’d always had her head in the books, falling in love with a jock made Alice smile. Being a dreamer, she was a romantic at heart and loved to hear stories of instant love between seeming opposites. Besides, such stories always made her believe that dreams could actually come true in real life, not just in the movies.

“Nope. They’ve been married for seven years now and have two children. Every time I talk to her, she sounds like she’s on cloud nine.”

“That’s nice.”

Hearing footsteps, Marcus glanced over his shoulder. Marie and Mia walked toward them. “Hello, Marie. Hey, Mia!”

Mia threw her arms around his waist and hugged him.

Alice’s mind spun with so many questions she couldn’t find a voice. Hadn’t Marcus said that he’d
lived in the north end for the past ten years and that he worked downtown? So how did he know Mia?

“Marcus, what are you doing here?” Marie glanced between Marcus and Alice.

“I heard your mother had a heart attack. I just came by to see how she’s doing.”

“Aunt Alice!” Mia broke away from Marcus and ran toward her. Alice scooped her niece into her arms and hugged her warmly.

Thank heaven for Mia, pulling her back to the present, to the shore where she could hold on to her sanity. Alice kissed her cheek.

“Hey, sweetheart. It’s so good to see you.” Though they spoke on the phone several times a year, the last time she had seen her was three years ago when Mia was seven. Marie had surprised her by allowing Mia to come to Los Angeles and spend a week with her.

“I missed you a lot, Aunt Alice.”

“I missed you too, sweetheart,” Alice said. And she did. Right now, it felt so good to hold her in her arms.

Alice gave her niece another squeeze, then patted her bottom. Mia dropped to the ground.

“How’s Grandma?” Mia asked.

It was a simple question, yet it made Alice wonder what type of relationship Mia and her mother had. Did Rosa love her grandchild unconditionally, the way she’d loved Marie? The thought caused a lump of emotion to form in Alice’s throat, so she forced it from her mind.

“She’s doing well, Mia. But she’s still sleeping.”

“I’m gonna go see her.”

“Okay.”

Mia gave Alice and Marcus a warm smile before heading toward Rosa’s room with Marie.

“You two know each other?” Alice asked glancing at Marcus, then at Mia’s back.

“I help out at the Bartlett Theater House where Mia takes acting classes. Just a little volunteer work from time to time,” Marcus explained.

Surprise, surprise. So he’d left the neighborhood but he still had ties there.

He glanced at his watch. “Listen, I have to go, but I’ll see you later.” His gaze swept over her again, leaving her feeling breathless.

Then Marcus was gone.

“Mama?” There was excitement in Marie’s voice and Alice immediately hopped off the window ledge. Was her mother finally awake? She started for the bed, then paused, fear gripping her. What if her mother didn’t want to see her?

“Hey, Mama,” Marie said. “You’re gonna be all right, you hear? You’re gonna be just fine.”

“Aunt Alice is here,” Mia announced proudly.

A shudder passed over her as one, then two, then three full seconds went by. Her mother hadn’t responded to Mia’s announcement. Oh God, her deepest fears were true. She
had
made a mistake coming here.

“Alice?”

The voice was weak, but it was Rosa’s. Alice didn’t move.

Marie whirled to face Alice with a firm stare. “Alice.”

Alice found the strength to put one foot in front of the other until she was at her mother’s bedside. But she couldn’t summon a smile right now even if her
life depended on it. It took all her power to swallow the nervousness rising in her throat.

“Is it really you?”

“Yes, Ma—Mother.”
Mother
seemed less personal somehow than
Mama.
“It’s me.”

Rosa’s head moved ever so slightly to the left. “Come closer. Let me look at you.”

Alice made her way to the side of the bed. Her mother gazed up at her as she lifted a hand to her face. “Were you here with me last night?”

“Mmm-hmm.”

“I thought I was dreaming.” Rosa ran a hand over her face, and Alice remembered a time in the long-ago past that had been filled with warmth, when she’d been a little girl, no more than five or six—before she’d started to gain extra weight, and before she’d expressed an interest in acting. Then, Alice had truly believed that she’d had her mother’s love just as much as Marie had. “I’ve missed you.”

Her mother’s confession broke the dam of emotion within Alice, and she realized just how much she had missed her mother over the years. She didn’t miss the bad times, but she did miss the few good times they’d had when she’d been a young child. Maybe from now on they would have only good times. If one could will that to happen…Alice took her mother’s hand in hers. “I missed you too, Mother. How are you feeling?”

“Just tired, but I’ve been used to tired in my life. I can handle this.”

“Promise me you’ll take it easy.” She may not have had the best relationship with her, but Rosa Lynn Watson was the only mother she had, and Alice didn’t want to lose her.

“I guess it took something like this to bring you home.”

Alice couldn’t deny the truth, so she didn’t even bother to try. “Yes.”

Rosa’s hand fell onto her stomach and she closed her eyes. “Well.”

Well what? Well, at least she was here? Well, she shouldn’t have bothered coming? Alice searched her mother’s face for answers, but found none. She had the feeling she’d just been dismissed.

Hurt, Alice stepped away from the bed. “I need to take a shower. Get something to eat. Maybe even sleep.”

“Of course. Go on back to the house,” Marie told her. “I’ll stay with Mama.”

The house. No one would be home now, yet she dreaded the thought of going there. If she went there now, she couldn’t very well move to a hotel at a later date without it looking like she didn’t want to be around her family. “Actually, I was thinking of just going to a hotel. Something close to the hospital. That might be easier.”

Marie looked at Alice with disdain. “You’re not planning to stay with us, are you?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“How are you going to help me with Mama if you’re living in some fancy suite at the Ritz?”

Marie’s mocking tone made it clear just what she thought of the idea. But it also made it clear to Alice what she thought of her life. The few times she’d spoken to her over the years, Marie had always made some snide comment about her money or her assets. Alice still didn’t understand why her sister couldn’t be happy for her.

Feeling the beginnings of a headache, Alice reached for her purse from the foot of the chair. She dug out the bottle of Advil she never left home without, unscrewed the cap, and shook the bottle until two pills fell into her palm. She popped the pills into her mouth and washed them down with saliva.

“I only meant that I could go to a hotel to shower and change. But forget it. I’ll go to the house. Do you have the key?” Alice had long since thrown hers away.

“Mia, do you have your key handy?”

Mia dug a key chain out of her jeans pocket, skipped over to Alice, and handed her the single key. “Here, Aunt Alice.”

“Thanks, sweetheart.”

“We’ll see you at home later,” Marie said.

Home.
The word gave Alice pause. She wasn’t going home. The small house on London Street hadn’t been a home to her in years.

Nearly thirteen years after the day she had left and vowed never to return, Alice Watson’s life came full circle as she parked her car in the driveway of the small Chicago house where she had lived most of her childhood years.

Home, Marie had said.

She killed the engine and held on to the steering wheel as though it were a lifeline.

Home.

A mix of emotions washed over her as she sat in her car, not yet ready to cross the threshold to the past. Being here she couldn’t help remembering once again the last argument she’d had with her
mother when she had told her that if she left her house to go to Hollywood, she should never return.

Alice closed her eyes to force the memory away. Her mother wasn’t here; she wouldn’t greet her with a pitiful look. It was just her and her memories.

Yet Alice didn’t move.

Thirteen years
. It seemed both like ancient history and only yesterday. Was that possible?

Alice took a deep breath, opened the car door, and got out.

Marie had been living in this house with their mother for the past few years, since her divorce from her high school sweetheart. How could Alice stay here with both of them? If she stayed in Chicago for any length of time, she’d be better off getting her own place. Given the history of tension among them, how could they all stay here together and keep the peace?

As Alice walked to the back of her sports car and opened the trunk, her mind drifted to her father. He had been the one bright spot in this house, in her life, always making her smile and laugh, making her believe that he could chase all the demons away. This house had never been the same after his death, as if it lacked the warmth of his heart and soul.

Alice lifted her small suitcase from the trunk, then closed it. Six weeks? There was so much she would have to do if she was going to stay even half that long, including getting some more clothes.

She felt weird going up to the house, like a stranger, and she even glanced down both ends of the street to see if anyone was looking.
Silly,
she told herself, then climbed the stairs.

She dug the key out of her pocket and opened the door.

The house was still, almost eerily so. It was exactly the way she remembered, which she also found a little creepy. She almost expected her father to come hurrying down the stairs.

Alice swallowed. Not all of her time here had been bad. She did have some good memories, all of them before her father had died and when she’d been much younger.

She wished she could pass off her mother’s indifference years ago as a mere inability to understand her and her dreams. But it was more than that. During the last few years she’d spent in this house, especially the years after her father had died and she’d become more determined to be an actress, Alice had come to realize that her mother no longer loved her.

Marie hadn’t understood her, but she also hadn’t tried. She’d been too concerned with Chad Greenley, the love of her life, and all her friends. Marie had been involved in almost every school activity, while Alice had been involved in none. Ultimately, Alice accepted the reality that her sister ignored her because she didn’t fit in the way Marie did. She was an embarrassment to her, especially in public.

A loner, Alice had found happiness in movies and fairy tales. She remembered a game she used to play, and to her surprise, a smile spread over her face as she stepped inside the house. Her mother couldn’t be bothered with all her questions in the Do You Believe? game, but her father had always listened and answered thoughtfully.

One summer night as she and her father had sat
on the porch steps, staring up at the dark sky, Alice had asked, “Daddy, do you believe it’s true, what they say about wishing on a star? That your dreams will come true?”

Her father had looked down at her from big brown eyes, eyes that seemed to hold the answers to all the world’s secrets. Then he’d given her a warm smile. She loved the way his salt-and-pepper beard moved when he talked and smiled. “Yes, sweetheart, I do.”

“So they’re magical?”

“I guess you could say that.” He draped an arm over her shoulder. “All I know is that when I look at the stars, I feel peaceful. I feel like my parents are looking down on me, watching over me. I feel very close to them.”

“You mean their spirits are up there?”

“Mmm-hmm.”

“Wow.” She looked up at the stars in wonder, imagining which ones represented the grandparents she hadn’t gotten to know.

“The key is believing, sweetheart. Anything’s possible, if you believe.”

Alice had believed her father without question.

She would ask her mother questions like that as her mother braided her hair at night. “Mama, do you believe that when we go to sleep, the ceramic dolls and stuffed animals come to life?” At the time, Alice had recently seen
The Nutcracker Suite,
and had been fascinated by the play.

“Oh, Alice,” her mother had replied. “I don’t have time for that nonsense.”

Alice had dropped the matter but had asked Marie the same question that night as they brushed their teeth in the bathroom.

“Why would you think something crazy like that?” Marie had asked her.

“I saw it, in a play. And it made me think…”

“You know what I believe?” Marie placed her toothbrush in the holder, then stared at Alice. “I believe Todd is in love with me. Isn’t that cool?”

Alice didn’t even know who Todd was, but that didn’t matter. What mattered was that Marie had dismissed her, just like her mother had.

Now, Alice shook her head to toss the memories from her mind. Funny how some things never changed. And funny how much life changed you. Her secret dream that Marcus would fall in love with her never happened. And when she lost her father, she’d been so devastated she hadn’t believed that any of her other dreams would ever come true, until one night she’d looked up at the sky and seen a star brighter than the rest. She’d remembered her father’s words that night as they’d sat on the porch steps looking up at the starlit sky and she decided his spirit lived in that star, that he was telling her not to give up on her dreams because from wherever he was, he still had faith in her.

Alice had gone to Hollywood and made her dream of becoming an actress come true. She’d lost weight, blossomed into someone people would no longer laugh at, built a dream career. She’d ultimately come to learn that just like there was good and bad in life, some dreams would come true while others wouldn’t.

Alice walked into the living room and sat on the sofa. It squeaked slightly in protest. The happy memories of her father and pride in her success vanished as doubt over her current situation took hold.