If You Were Here (39 page)
Authors: Jen Lancaster
Tags: #Chicago, #Humorous, #Family Life, #General, #Suburbs, #Women Authors, #Illinois, #Fiction, #Remodeling, #Dwellings
8
And believe me, I’ve tried.
9
Technically, we’re Libertarians, but when’s the last time they won an election?
10
Mac’s expert marksman advice—turning the gun sideways to shoot works only in the movies. In real life it’s an absolute guarantee you’re going to a) miss and b) sprain your wrist.
11
Try the feta cheese plate. You’ll thank me.
12
I bet there are no drive-by shootings
at all
in Stephenie Meyer’s ’hood.
at all
in Stephenie Meyer’s ’hood.
13
The way I see it, I can have a Barbie collection or magnifying readers; I can’t have both. I choose Barbie.
14
This isn’t gossip so much as it is fine, fine reporting from the folks at
Us
magazine.
Us
magazine.
15
As per the March 26, 2009, issue of
Star
.
Star
.
16
My sorority crafted a lot of signs of the WE’RE PI-FIRED UP variety.
17
And when did it stop being Kinko’s?
18
Even though Mac would.
19
Does this work as an expression? I had Ishmael say it to Mose in
Amish Is as Good as a Mile.
Later it occurred to me that pacifists might not study a lot of Vietnam War history, or engage in any sort of combat, even like punching a gangbanger in his smug face, for that matter. But come on, it’s no less plausible than vampires who won’t drink human blood.
Amish Is as Good as a Mile.
Later it occurred to me that pacifists might not study a lot of Vietnam War history, or engage in any sort of combat, even like punching a gangbanger in his smug face, for that matter. But come on, it’s no less plausible than vampires who won’t drink human blood.
20
Damn you, Botox, for making my forehead so smooth and expressionless but mostly smooth.
21
What, you thought I got all that crap done for vanity’s sake? Come on!
22
Why, yes, Mac does make me watch a lot of Military Channel programming with him. How’d you know?
23
Also known as the AC.
24
I pity the fool . . . who disrespects dendrophiliacs.
25
Fine, the Cambs isn’t technically located above the arctic circle, but it sure feels that way today.
26
I have a PhD in HGTV.
27
Wait, this is a really sad fantasy, isn’t it?
28
And this is where the author breaks the fourth wall, noting that every book she writes has a nod to
Mean Girls
in it. What can Jen say? It was a really good movie.
Mean Girls
in it. What can Jen say? It was a really good movie.
29
This was back when her shows were still trashy.
30
Also hails from the Cambs.
31
Screw her and her eighty-five-million book sales right in the ear.
32
Knock it off!
33
Ten points if you caught the Bowie reference.
34
You know what? I’m too embarrassed to even finish that sentence.
35
Read: boring.
36
And they don’t ask any pesky questions about my research methods.
37
Or Colorado.
38
What, they didn’t?
39
Mrs. Patel’s words, not mine.
40
Okay, technically, we
could
, as my sales in Germany are currently through the roof. Seriously, I’m like the second coming of Hasselhoff over there.
could
, as my sales in Germany are currently through the roof. Seriously, I’m like the second coming of Hasselhoff over there.
41
Can’t actually frown.
42
Picture the Playboy Mansion, only with more ivy and less booty.
43
Give or take a few kajillion hundred.
44
Furniture and men.
45
Kind of like RuPaul is a tad dramatic.
46
Note to self: Subscribe to
Elle Decor
, like, yesterday.
Elle Decor
, like, yesterday.
47
Now with twenty percent more plastic grapes!
48
Also, I’m getting tired of throwing out all my good pans.
49
FYI, kids, flashing gang signs is a lot less scary when you’re wearing mittens. I suggest you either buy gloves or wait until it’s warmer to represent.
50
Apparently in her world, it’s not fourteen degrees outside.
51
Her words, not mine.
52
You know what I mean.
53
Figurative Shat—would that not be an excellent postpunk band name?
54
Which is impossible.
55
Kara’s a nationally syndicated sex and dating advice columnist and not just a conduit for dirty correspondence. When she was pitching her work, I begged her to call the column “The Kara Sutra,” but apparently that’s already a porn site. Damn.
56
Polish for “grandmother.”
57
Like I said, protein is a priority.
58
Earnest money is what you put down in a real estate transaction to secure a buying contract. Typically it’s about five percent of the purchase price, and the point is to show the seller the buyer has skin in the game. Once the house is under contract, the earnest money doesn’t get returned if the buyer flakes out for any reason other than a bad inspection. This public service message has been brought to you by HGTV.
59
Also,
Bridget Jones’s Diary is
classic literature. Ask anyone.
Bridget Jones’s Diary is
classic literature. Ask anyone.
60
The exact word he used was “moron.”
61
Theoretical, of course.
62
Apparently harvest gold and avocado appliances are not the new black.
63
Yes, I gave in and hired a maid service after this. When the universe drops heavy shit on you, you tend to listen.
64
According to Mac, you never know when you might need to disperse a riot in front of your house.
65
My dad now owns an auto body shop in Ohio. Was he inspired by Keith in
Some Kind of Wonderful
? Who can say for sure?
Some Kind of Wonderful
? Who can say for sure?
66
Literal translation is “my little froggy.” This term of endearment never quite caught on in English.
67
Without the mole. Maybe eighty-one with it.
68
A bean of some sort?
69
Yeah. I went there.
70
Apparently I enjoy “not packing” almost as much as I enjoy “not writing.”
71
The one on
24
, not our kitten.
24
, not our kitten.
72
What, you
don’t
have one?
don’t
have one?
73
Mac says you may as well be firing a staple gun if you’re going to use a .22-caliber weapon.
74
Pun intended.
75
It would be indelicate for me to mention that anyone with $9.99 and a broadband Internet connection could watch Vienna “perform jobs.”
76
I don’t hold
Twilight
against him.
Twilight
against him.
77
With her pants on. (Blouse optional.)
78
Kara and I have had many a liquid lunch discussing this fact.
79
Particularly Speidi, although who doesn’t hate them just a little?
80
Almost.
81
Note to self—stop reading the paper online.
82
I’ll take three boxes of Samoas and two Thin Mints, please.
83
Bred like rabbits, those people.
84
I see a long, soft sit in my future.
85
Read: shout him stupid.
86
Estimated installation time on the package? Two hours. Actual installation time? Six days.
87
That’s what she said. (Sorry. Couldn’t resist.)
88
Not necessarily in that order.
89
She found their whites to be too “dirt filthy.”
90
Babcia claimed, “God tell give Babcia. You no like? You tell God; I send you see Him.”
91
I might be phrasing this wrong, but my point is, should neighbors really have a say over what kind of mailbox I choose?
92
Yes.
And what’s wrong with rosé? It’s delicious!
And what’s wrong with rosé? It’s delicious!
93
Yes,Ann Marie was right about the “five-pound bag of flour” business, damn it.
94
Oh,
Mean Girls
Gretchen, I feel your pain.
Mean Girls
Gretchen, I feel your pain.
95
I can’t quite tell.
96
Alaknanda, which means “flawless.”
97
Pun not intended this time.
98
With enough maraschino cherries in it, it’s not bad.
99
Sounds crazy, but that’s how publishing works sometimes.
100
Miriam’s a sucker for durable and decorative cement countertops, but Rebecca’s more of a traditionalist in that she prefers granite with an onyx tile backsplash.
101
Fortunately it was still in its case when the toilet hobbled my desk.
102
Fictional Jake Ryan family, what were you thinking when you installed mauve shag?
103
Remind me to tell you about the Great 2007 Residence Inn by Marriott Free Breakfast Bar Massacre sometime.
104
A Polish version of Crazy Eights.
105
Hard to picture, but trust me, it’s FAB.
106
His expression, not mine.
107
Very cautiously. Oh, so cautiously.
108
You should have seen the look on Ann Marie’s face when she spotted that.
109
After the past two weeks of sanding and staining purgatory, trust me when I say I’d make sure something very bad happened to him.
110
Multiple density fiberboard.
111
Yes, a tetanus shot was in order.
112
And an oyster containing two tickets to that thing I love.
113
The guide told me to.
114
Oh, yeah, baby. Now you’re talking my language.
115
I learned a long time ago it’s best just to eliminate any potential temptations.
116
A sport he normally calls “an excuse for morons to wear ugly pants.”
117
Even though it’s almost impossible to tell.
118
“Not Polish!”
119
And by “we” I mean the management of the Shops at Sunset Place.
120
Oh, so many checks.
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