If You're Not the One (29 page)

‘But, as everything started moving again, none of the above was what she saw and Jennifer now understood that this was the point where ‘what could have been' was about to become apparent for the first time since she'd entered this world. So far what she'd experienced was what did happen. What she'd remembered and reflected on so many times over the years was there to be relived, perfectly vivid and in full Technicolor. It was so bizarre to recall how she'd felt that day. She could practically feel her younger self's indecision, could see her conflicted
mind swirling and knew it was the exact point when things could have very easily gone the other way.

And in this version she said, ‘I can't. I just can't give you my number. I'm really sorry.' Then she tore out of the room and into the hall where she hauled Steve to his feet and left before anything else could happen.

As for Max he went home alone and lay in bed thinking about the girl in the pink dress and how he hadn't met anybody remotely as pretty and funny in years and what a lucky, lucky bloke that Steve was. His last thought before he fell into a deep, dreamless sleep was that he hoped that one day Steve would give her a song that could be theirs. That seemed to be the least she deserved as opposed to what he suspected might be a life sentence of cuddly toys.

As far as the doctors were concerned, Jennifer was doing really well. She was making progress and her condition had now been stable for a week. What they had no way of knowing of course, was that inside she felt desperately sad.

Meeting Max again had been the most surreal of her experiences so far. She had been flooded with memories as she recalled how good they'd been together back in the early days of their relationship. The nostalgia had been overwhelming and she couldn't believe either of them had ever forgotten what had pulled them together in the first place. He was her Max. Her funny, sweet, good looking, bright, laid back, clever Max. How had they managed, over the years, to forget what they had together? How had they let becoming parents change them into different people? How could he ever have even contemplated risking everything they had for a cheap fling? Suddenly she wanted to get back. She needed to get back, for lots of reasons, one of them being to tell him how angry she was.

But she could sense that her body hadn't yet caught up with her mind and so was powerless to do anything but wait. Her physical self still needed longer to heal. What should she do?

In the end it appeared she didn't have much choice. Apparently she had to see this through and so she found herself floating down tunnel number three again, where she would find out once and for all what life with Steve would have brought with it.

What Could Have Been—Steve

Jennifer and Steve sat in the car, both gazing fixedly ahead at the windscreen. The weather matched their mood. It was a grey, bleak, miserable day.

She was the one to break the protracted silence first by suddenly sniffing loudly before rummaging in her handbag for a tissue.

‘We'd better get going hadn't we?' she suggested, voice tight. ‘You don't want to be late.'

Steve sighed heavily and by way of reply simply turned the key in the ignition.

While he was putting his seatbelt on Jennifer asked, ‘Is there really no way you can get out of going in? Surely if you said you'd been violently sick they'd have to cope without you somehow, wouldn't they?'

Steve shook his head, his face despairing. ‘I'm not lying. No point letting them down.'

‘OK.'

‘What about you? Where do you want dropping?'

‘Um…' Jennifer's brain felt utterly blank. She decided then that there was no way she personally could put herself through going into work when feeling like this. ‘If you've got time to, just drop me home. I'll phone and say I'm going to work from there for the rest of the day.'

‘Fine.'

Twenty minutes later Jennifer waved goodbye to Steve and shut the door behind her. She had thought she'd prefer to be with him but as it turned out it was a relief to be alone. Besides, Steve was a big boy and if he thought going into work was the best thing to do she wasn't going to stop him. Perhaps he needed the distraction? There was so much to say to one another. Only not yet. They needed time to absorb. Time to digest.

Unsure what to do with herself, she pottered aimlessly about the kitchen for a while. It was already pretty tidy but she still wiped all the surfaces and unloaded the dishwasher, drawing comfort from the mundane tasks. Once there was nothing left to clean she made herself a huge doorstep sandwich stuffed with cheese, ham and mayonnaise, which she chewed morosely at the table.

Once she'd finished, despite feeling totally full, she decided to have a piece of cake as well. It would be total comfort eating but frankly it was comfort she was after. She was dealing with so many different emotions
at the moment; relief, horror, grief, pity and above all a huge sense of injustice. Her stomach churned at the mere thought of how they were going to cope.

‘Cooeee,' came the familiar voice of her mother-in-law. She heard the front door slam. Her solitude was destroyed. She felt like screaming.

‘You home, Jen?'

‘In here,' she called back, glancing at the clock. Damn. Just for once, she'd thought she'd have the house to herself for a change. She could have sworn June had said she wouldn't be back till gone six.

‘What are you doing back so early?' she said, trying but failing not to sound accusatory. Not that June noticed.

‘Sue had to leave. We were at the Marks and Spencer's cafe having a nice éclair and a cup of tea when she got a text. There was some emergency,' she said, bustling in, arms laden with shopping bags. ‘So her daughter-in-law needed her to pick up the little one from nursery. Janice was obviously only too happy to help. That little girl is the love of her life.'

Jennifer smiled a rueful smile, used to these kinds of veiled digs.

‘Anyway, have you set the Sky plus? Stevie boy's on in a minute isn't he?'

‘He is indeed,' said Jennifer. ‘I was going to watch him with a piece of cake and a cup of tea.'

‘Good idea, get the kettle on then, love. Though I'm
not sure you want to be having any cake. You'll lose your figure before you've even got preggy,' the older woman cackled.

Jennifer's jaw literally dropped. What a bitch. She hated living with her mother-in-law sometimes. She could still hardly believe she'd allowed it to happen. Yet it made perfect financial sense of course. She and Steve were saving a fortune between the two of them each month and had already built up a pretty impressive nest egg. Their wedding had been stupidly expensive and if they wanted a chance of buying a place of their own this was the way. Still, at moments like this she'd sooner rent for the rest of her life.

As Jennifer and June sunk into the settee, Jennifer felt a dull ache in her lower abdomen.

‘I'm just going to the loo,' she said dully to her mother-in-law.

‘Well hurry up,' June flapped. ‘He'll be on in a minute.'

Jennifer thought she would probably get over it if she missed a few minutes but didn't say anything. In the privacy of the bathroom however, once she'd seen the inevitable tell-tale sign that once again there would be no baby that month, she wept. She may have been far cooler about getting pregnant when she hadn't wanted to be, but the minute she'd decided it was time to go for it, it had
become her be all and end all. She and Steve had been mutually upset every month when their attempts kept failing. In fact, more recently, it had probably been her who'd been most despondent as every period had arrived with sickening punctuality.

Right, she needed to be strong. Firstly because she was not ready to discuss anything with June yet, and secondly for Steve. She fumbled under the sink for a Tampax, splashed her face with cold water, washed her hands and went to join June in the lounge just as the title music for the
Price Smash
DIY bonanza was about to begin.

‘Good afternoon and welcome,' said the heavily made-up blonde who Jennifer had met a few times and actually quite liked. Her off-screen persona wasn't nearly as brassy as her on-screen one. ‘You're watching
Price Smash
with myself Debbie Pierman, and Steve Barrett, our resident DIY expert. Hiya Steve.'

‘Hiya Debbie.'

‘Now, over the next two hours, we're going to be bringing you some incredible deals on big name brands from the world of home improvement aren't we, Steve?'

‘Yeah that's right, Debbie. Not only have I got a leaf shredder coming up for you but also a power drill from Black and Decker and a pressure washer from Kärcher which we're selling at the lowest price it's ever been.'

‘He's so slick,' said June.

Jennifer nodded and was relieved to see that on screen at least Steve appeared to be OK.

Later that night, Jennifer lay in bed half watching a film, passing the time as she waited for Steve to come in.

It was gone midnight when the door finally opened, and Steve tentatively peered round it, trying to detect whether or not his wife was asleep.

‘Hey you,' said Jennifer.

‘Hey,' said Steve, coming in properly now he knew she was awake and going to hang his suit jacket up.

‘Are you OK? How was work?'

Steve took off his tie then sunk heavily down onto the end of the bed, narrowly missing Jennifer's foot under the duvet. He hung his head and massaged his temples with his thumb and finger for a while but didn't say anything.

Jennifer crawled across the bed to where he was and stroked his back at which point her husband turned around. Her heart ached as she realised he was crying. Clearly the ordeal of having to go to work and then not only having to appear normal but having to talk about power tools for two hours straight, while looking as if he actually gave a shit, had caught up with him. As sobs wracked through his tired, stressed body his shoulders began to shudder. It was so sad. Jennifer's heart actually contracted with pain.

‘Oh Steve,' she soothed, her own tears finally catching up with her properly.

A while later, having let it all out, they lay in bed, facing one another. Eventually Jennifer decided to ask the question which had been on her mind all day.

‘So, what are we going to do? Do we adopt?'

Steve sniffed and raised a hand to stroke her hair. ‘I don't know. I don't think I want to. I just don't think it would be the same.'

‘But you're not ruling it out?' whispered Jennifer, who also had no idea at this stage how she really felt about anything.

‘No, I'm not ruling it out,' said Steve.

Jennifer leaned in to kiss him on the mouth but Steve pulled away. ‘I'm sorry. I can't. Not tonight.'

‘I'm not trying to have sex,' she said. ‘Just a kiss.'

He pulled her in close and kissed her on the top of her head. It would do. It was closeness Jennifer was after.

‘Everyone's going to laugh,' he mumbled into her hair.

‘What?' asked Jennifer, bemused and by this point utterly exhausted too.

‘When it's this way round. Blokes get the piss ripped out of them.'

Jennifer was moved to half sit up. ‘I'm sorry,' she said softly, resting on one elbow, ‘but if anybody thought this was an appropriate thing to take the piss out of someone for, then frankly they're not worth knowing.'

Steve shrugged and gave her a strange look which took her a while to decipher.

‘Oh my god. You want to say it's me don't you?'

Unable to say it Steve shut his eyes and turned over.

Jennifer started to cry. It was all so shit and so bloody unfair. Why them? Eighteen months they'd been trying for a baby. Eighteen months of shagging on cue, not drinking, peeing on sticks and taking supplements they'd endured, interspersed with bitter disappointment every four weeks or so. All of that time, money, energy and effort had been used up, only for Jennifer to find out that her fit, seemingly virile husband who had desperately wanted to be a dad ever since she could remember was firing blanks and had as much hope of conceiving as he did of becoming president of the United States.

Steve turned round, his face full of despair. ‘I'm so sorry Jen, and I will completely understand if you want to leave me.'

‘Oh you silly sod,' she sniffed. ‘No, I'm just a bit flabbergasted that you care so much about what other people are going to think. Personally I think we don't tell them anything. It's none of their business, and I for one will just say that we've had trouble and that it's not going to happen. End of story. I don't think either of us need to go around filling people in on the details.'

‘OK,' said Steve, looking sheepish. ‘But also…if you do want to leave me and find someone who can give you children I'd understand.'

‘Are you kidding me?'

‘Kidding me,' said Steve, his eyes full of bitter disappointment and despair. ‘Good choice of word.'

Jennifer laughed through her tears. ‘Oh come here you.'

She held him tight and slowly could feel some of the tension starting to seep out of his body. They clung on to one another in this manner for hours, united in their grief for the family they would never have.

‘I love you so much,' said Steve at one point. ‘I can't believe you're not going to leave me.'

‘If you even so much as suggest that again I'll be livid,' said Jennifer firmly.

It was three am by this point. The digital clock by their bed displayed it in green. Sleep for either of them seemed unlikely now.

‘But…'

‘But what?' said Steve, his expression one of pure panic.

‘Please don't totally rule out adoption. There are lots of children out there with nobody to love them.'

‘I know,' said Steve. ‘I know. I love you, Jen.'

‘I love you too. And Steve?

‘What?'

‘I'm so so sorry.'