Ignite (29 page)

“Oh my god,” I heard a girl in the corner whisper as she pointed at us. “He actually decided to show his face here again.”

She was clearly looking at Dean, and other people were starting to take notice as well.

“What’s going on?” I asked, nudging him with my elbow.

“Don’t listen to them,” he said, leaning down to whisper in my ear.

I bit my lip.

“But what did she mean?”

He looked like he didn’t want to tell me, but luckily Kenzie interrupted.

“Every year Dean comes to this thing smashed out of his mind with some random girl and gets kicked out. But this year is completely different, right?”

She eyed him expectantly and he complied, but seemed agitated that she’d told me.

“I’m glad you’re here with me then,” I whispered, which seemed to ease the tension.

Kenzie led us all into another ballroom where people were dancing, their skirts twirling like we were in a movie based on a Jane Austen book. This ball was clearly an age-old tradition in the Hamilton family. We were of the younger age bracket and most of the party guests seemed to be middle-aged or older. There was a large elevated table, and Dean explained to me that the older couple seated there was Alex and John’s grandmother and grandfather, who had been in charge of this ball for the past forty years.

“How do they know when to plan this?” I leaned up to whisper into his ear.

He leaned down to answer.

“The Hamilton’s have so much money that it doesn’t entirely matter when.”

I nodded. Now I understood why people were so wary to have him back if he kept getting thrown out year after year.

“Your name on the guest list next to mine made all the difference,” he said, as if he were reading my mind.

He leaned down closer than I was expecting him to. He leaned down to my ear and whispered something I wasn’t expecting.

“I’m not going to kiss you tonight.”

I leaned back and gasped. What was his deal?

He took my hand and pulled me away from everyone else.

“It’s not because I don’t want to,” he said. “Trust me.”

A blush crept up my cheeks and I hated the fact that he was doing this, right here, right now. I wasn’t entirely sure that he did want to kiss me. Everything was so off and on with him, and I was beginning to resent his shady past rather than accept it.

“Please believe me,” he said softly.

I bit my lip and narrowed my eyes at him. I tried to hold my ground when he leaned in even closer, and he knew exactly what he was doing.

“Trust me then,” he whispered, barely touching my skin with his lips.

That caused him to smile bigger than ever.

“You mean too much to me,” he said as he brushed his lips across my ear again.

Were people watching? This was escalating quickly even though he promised it wouldn’t.

He pulled back and I looked at him incredulously.

“Come on,” he said as he kissed the back of my hand. “Let’s dance.”

He tried to pull me along but I protested.

“Dean, I really don’t dance.”

He raised an eyebrow.

“You seemed like you were dancing just fine at that party. And if I remember correctly, you’re a ballerina.”

I scoffed.

“I was really drunk. I especially don’t do this type of dancing. I haven’t danced in a long time.” I nodded toward all of the people in the center of the room doing the waltz, or some kind of extremely intricate dance.

“Neither have I,” he said honestly. “Please?” he looked at me with a face that no one could say no to. “All you have to do is follow my lead.”

“You know how to do that?” I asked, somewhat shocked.

He nodded.

“But I’ve never actually had fun doing it.”

I took a deep breath. He’d gotten to me.

“Fine, just one,” I conceded as he grinned and whisked me off into the growing crowd of swirling people.

“CAN WE GET some air?” I asked breathlessly.

We had danced much more than just one, and I was getting too dizzy for my own good. All of that spinning and holding my arms up was more exhausting than it looked. Suddenly, I had a lot more respect for Elizabeth Bennet.

He led me through a few rooms of people and through a side atrium that overlooked a lake. The lights from the decorations reflected on the water and the falling snow made it feel like I was inside of a snow globe.

I took a deep breath of the cold night air, feeling relieved to be away from the crowds. There were a few other people outside, but they weren’t close and kept to themselves.

“Thank you,” Dean said finally as he squeezed my hand.

“For what?”

“Saying yes to this.” He smiled easily, and I couldn’t help but match it.

“Well, I wasn’t exactly given much of a choice,” I smirked at him. “But it sounds like you’ve had some pretty terrible dates in previous years, so it was the least I could do.”

He laughed.

“Oh, it wasn’t just them,” he said wistfully. “I didn’t exactly make it easy on them either. Ruined reputations, upset fathers, the whole deal.”

I put one hand up to my mouth sarcastically and looked around.

“Wow, are you sure I should be out here with you alone? You sound like quite a dangerous character.”

He moved his hand to my waist and pulled me closer.

“You’re safe with me,” he said softly.

I drew my arms up around his neck. He rested his head in the crook of my neck and sighed softly; it was a sound I didn’t even know was possible. My stomach tightened and I immediately knew I was going to cry. I pulled away to make sure I wouldn’t get tears on his suit.

His hands were like vices around my wrists as he leaned down in concern.

“What’s wrong?” He asked protectively, wiping away a fat tear with his thumb.

I swallowed.

“I can’t,” I said, feeling like my chest was going to burst.

The hurt in his eyes was apparent as they searched mine wildly.

“You can’t what? Lauren, I thought we went over this.” I knew he meant Siberia.

I felt like I was going to hyperventilate.

“Can we just go somewhere else, please?” I knew I couldn’t explain this to him outside where anyone could walk up at any moment.

“Where do you want to go? Do you want to leave?” He asked gently.

I shook my head.

“No. Can we just go upstairs?”

He nodded and took a deep breath, and motioned for me to do the same.

I took a breath and blinked a few times to make sure the tears were all gone for now.

He kissed my hair, revealing his worry, and twined our fingers together as he led me to the front desk. I bit my lip and stood beside him as he got the room key.

We ran into Kenzie and Luke in the lobby, and although it didn’t look like I’d been crying anymore, she knew the look on my face and pulled me away from Dean. He reluctantly let go of my hand, and I saw how worried he was.

“Are you okay?” Kenzie whispered. “I don’t like this.” She gestured at Dean, who was waiting by the elevator.

“These aren’t sad tears,” I told her as I smiled. “He just doesn’t know that yet.”

A huge grin erupted on her face and I knew she could barely contain herself. I gave her a look, and she tried to put her serious face back on. She hugged me tightly and kissed my cheek.

“Good luck,” she whispered in my ear, and then walked with me back to Dean and Luke. They nodded at each other, and my heart sank when Dean’s eyes met mine. He thought I was going to say goodbye. I quickly walked over and pressed the button on the elevator. The faster we were alone, the faster I could rectify the situation, but I couldn’t do that in front of everyone. I wasn’t that brave yet.

The second the elevator arrived, we both linked hands automatically and jumped in. I thought we were going to be the sole occupants so I started to speak to put him out of his misery, but another couple joined us. I couldn’t see either of their faces because they were both so engrossed in each other, and I couldn’t help but giggle. The guy reached out and pressed a button, and lifted his chin at Dean.

Dean and I shared a look that almost made me forget I was putting him through hell right now, and I couldn’t help but laugh when they got out on the fourth floor.

I took another deep breath when we reached ours, and I followed him to the room. My dress was getting heavy, and I had to stop and pick up the ends so they wouldn’t drag.

He held the door open for me and I gasped when I walked in. It was the largest, classiest hotel room I had ever seen in my entire life. It was like an old movie. I wanted to immediately sprawl out on the enormous bed in the center of the room, but the look on Dean’s face wrenched my heart in two.

He shut the door and just stood there, looking at me, as if I were going to disappear at midnight.

I rushed forward and took one of his hands.

“I’m sorry,” I said, feeling awful. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

He looked completely confused.

“Scare me? You said you can’t. I think it’s pretty clear what you’re trying to say.” He took off his jacket and pulled at his cuff links.

“No,” I said, suddenly losing my courage and the conviction I felt outside. “When I said that, I meant something else; the opposite of what you’re thinking.”

His brow furrowed and he stopped messing with his sleeves.

“I don’t understand.”

I took another deep breath and he looked at me expectantly.

“When I said ‘I can’t’, I meant that I can’t
not
stay now.”

He still wasn’t on board.

“Stay here? Tonight?”

“No,” I said, summoning all of the courage I had. “Stay with you. With Callie and Chase, and Emma, and Jenny.”

It was his turn to swallow in disbelief.

“You’re not going to leave?”

I shook my head.

“I already postponed this semester. That part is done for now.”

“Why?” he asked incredulously, still looking like I might change my mind and run out at any second.

“Because,” I said, choking up. I could feel the tears welling in my eyes and I willed them to stay put. If I blinked, I knew they would fall. “It’s you.”

“Me?”

“You.” I knew I sounded ridiculous, but I had to get this out. I turned around and put my hands to my head, letting myself cry. “I can’t even think about leaving you. I feel sick when I’m not around you or I don’t know when I’m going to see you next. I want to be a better person for these kids because of you. You clearly rose out of the ashes of your past, but I can’t leave them and hope they can do the same.”

I couldn’t decipher the look on his face. He just stood there, frozen, looking at me.

“Dean!” I was starting to get upset. Maybe I’d misread everything. He wasn’t reacting the way I thought he would react at all.

After a few more seconds of silence, I turned around so he wouldn’t see me cry anymore.

“I’m so,
so
stupid. I feel all of this and you’ve never even kissed me.” I threw my hands up in the air and then brought them down to cover my face. “I feel so stupid. Have I been making all of this up in my head?”

I was so mad at him. Not only that, but I was also mad at myself for being mad about it in the first place.

“Do you even
want
to kiss me?” I was so embarrassed to say the words, but I wondered too much not to say them. A kiss shouldn’t be what everything hinged on, but it felt like it was an important step if this was going to be something more than friendship.

He broke his frozen state and laughed incredulously. He actually
laughed
at me.

“Are you crazy?” He raked a hand through his hair, and I glared at him and he paused. “No really, do you actually not know how I feel?”

I scoffed and hoped I didn’t have mascara running down my face.

“You have a reputation, Dean. I’m sure you’ve kissed your fair share of girls without even thinking twice about it.”

He let out a frustrated breath.

“I have, that’s true. But I haven’t even thought about it since I met you.”

I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. He took a step closer, but I stood my ground.

“It’s not that I don’t want to kiss you,” he said more softly. “I told you that earlier. I just don’t want to mess it up. Before, kissing other girls was a means to an end.”

I didn’t want to think about that.

He tipped my chin up with one finger so I was forced to look at him. My eyes were a mess already, and I didn’t want him to see that. His jaw twitched, like he was wrestling with what to say next.

“Don’t you understand?” he whispered.

I shook my head slowly and swallowed. Maybe I did, but I wanted to hear what he had to say regardless.

He shut his eyes for a moment as if he was trying to think of what to say next.

“I’m sorry,” I said softly. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I wasn’t thinking right.”

He opened his eyes and a smile played on his lips as he cupped my cheek with his hand.

“I’m not sorry at all,” he said finally, taking a breath so he could separate his next words for emphasis. “I love you, Lauren Lindsay. I want to kiss you more than I want to breathe, but I don’t want you to think you’re just another notch in my belt. You’re not. You’re it for me. I want you to have everything, and I want to make sure
I’m
good enough for
you
. You deserve more than who I was.”