Ignite (Explosive) (4 page)

Staring at
the sobbing girl in front of me, I’m not sure what to do.
Dammit, Jace. Why do you put yourself in these situations?
I think to myself, wondering how can I get away unscathed.

“Look, Kate, I just think that with my upcoming deployment, we should take a step back and see other people,” I say cautiously, hoping to calm the waterworks at least a little bit.

“But Jace, I don’t want to see other people. It’s only nine months. I’ll wait for you. I promise!” Kate exclaims, bursting into another sobbing fit.

Sweet Jesus, woman, it’s freakin’ over.
My thoughts almost slip out of my mouth, but I reign my inner asshole back in and try to get out of this situation as easily as possible. Hell, I work with bombs on a daily basis. I should be able to break up with a girl without any issues. But no, I had to attach myself to Clingy McClingerson. It’s the same old story. What started out as casual dating turned into more for Kate. It didn’t matter how many times I told her that my job kept me from having a serious relationship, and she always promised that she was okay with our arrangement. Now don’t get me wrong, I do care about her, but not in any serious way. I don’t confuse casual sex with casual dating. Even in my worst days, I’ve always been a one-woman kinda guy. It’s just that I prefer to spend some time with a woman, have some fun, and in a few months we can part ways amicably. Yeah, not going to happen with Kate.

“But I don’t understand. I thought we were having a good time. I just feel this connection with you that I’ve never had before with anyone. You can’t say that you don’t feel it, too,” Kate says as she sniffles repeatedly. God, how did I not see how annoying she is? Yes, I am an asshole, but seriously, she understood our relationship when we first started it, so it’s not exactly my fault that she changed her mind about what she wanted.

“Kate, I told you from the beginning that this was just going to be casual, so don’t act surprised. You know I don’t do serious relationships, and that connection? No, I’ve never felt it with anyone. I’m not sure I ever will,” I lie. I felt it once, but like any other high school idiot, I severed that connection and ruined myself for any others all in one stupid-ass move.
Don’t go there, Jace.

The truth is, I’ve never gotten over her. Alexa Leigh Sullivan. The object of my high school desires and the one girl I’ve never been able to forget. I don’t know what makes me more of an idiot. That I told her my feelings and then left her or that I waited so long to tell her. Maybe if I’d just have kept my damn mouth shut, I’d still have her in my life in some sort of way. I’d always planned to go back to Florida after my Advanced Individual Training before getting shipped off to my first post assignment. Alexa consumed my thoughts every single night in Boot Camp, and I swore to myself that I was going to win her heart completely. I stupidly did not contact her the entire I was gone, wanting her to enjoy her last summer before her senior year. I had no doubts that she’d be waiting for me when I returned. Naively, I thought I had it all figured out. We’d have a long distance relationship until she graduated. Then she could move to whatever base the Army decided to send me to. It would suck, but we could do it. With phones, the internet, and mail, we could make it work. I spent the summer of 2002 convincing myself of just that. Little did I know, life had other plans for me.

I received a three-day pass to visit my family before heading to my first assignment. I was bursting at the seams to knock on Alexa’s door, swoop her up into my arms, and officially make her my girl. I got off the airplane, and as soon as I got my car from my parents’ place, I immediately headed to see her. I became extremely confused when I pulled into her driveway. Spotting the ‘For Sale’ sign in the yard, I jumped out of my car and sprinted towards the door. I knocked twice. Nothing. I rang the doorbell incessantly. Still nothing.

Sweating in my dress greens, I ran around to the back of the house to the window Alexa was notorious for leaving unlocked. I peered into the window and saw…nothing. It was completely empty. Gone was that ridiculously small twin bed on which we’d studied and gone over baseball stats. Gone were those stupid Rascal Flatts posters that covered her walls. Gone was my senior practice jersey that I gave her after my last high school baseball game. Everything…was gone.

I walked back around the house and sat on the porch.
Maybe it’s not a big deal. Maybe they moved closer to the water. Yeah, that has to be it
, I reassured myself, not noticing the car that pulled in behind mine.

A voice broke through my thoughts. “May I help you, sir?”

Looking up, I saw a small, plump woman in a pantsuit. She held what looked like fliers for the house. I stood up and she shook my hand, introducing herself as the realtor.

“Umm…I was looking for the family that used to live here. I’ve been away with the Army and was unaware that they moved,” I managed to stammer, my heart still reeling from this unexpected change of events.

“Oh, the Sullivans? What a nice family! It all happened so fast, but I’m trying my hardest to get their house sold,” the realtor explained.

“What do you mean? What happened? As I said, ma’am, I was in training with the Army, and I’m close friends with their daughter, Alexa. I was coming to surprise her, and I had no idea they had moved. Can you tell me where I can find her?” I asked with what I hoped was a good mixture of equal parts charming and pleading smile.

“Oh, honey. First, thank you for your service. Young men like you are what our country needs. Now, I hate to tell you this, but the Sullivans moved out of state. Mr. Sullivan got transferred and his company sent the family to Ohio.”

I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. Like I’d been punched in the stomach. Ohio? I braced myself against the porch post, not sure if I could really process what she’d just said.

“How…how long have they been gone?” I asked.

“They’ve been gone for a few weeks now. It was all very sudden, and the company needed Mr. Sullivan right away. I’m so sorry that this is unexpected for you,” she said with a pitying look.

“Yeah, I am, too. Thank you for the information, ma’am,” I replied as I headed to my car. I slid into the driver’s seat, unsure of what to do next. I was too late. Alexa was gone.

Suddenly, a light bulb went off in my head. Peeling out of the driveway, I headed to Kristin’s house. If anyone knew how I could get in touch with Alexa, it would be her best friend since second grade. I pulled up to her house, not even bothering to turn the car off. I ran up to the front door and began banging on it. Kristin opened the door, and her eyes widened when she saw me and took in my uniformed body.

“What the hell are you doing here, Jace?” she asked.

“Where is she, Kristin? Please tell me how I can reach Alexa,” I pleaded.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Jace. She was devastated when you left. She spent the entire summer moping over you, and she just finally started acting normal again.”

“You don’t understand. I was always planning to come back for her. I never meant to hurt her. She knew that,” I protested.

“No, Jace, you don’t understand. Not only did you hurt her, but you smashed her heart into a million pieces. So much so that she was glad to leave Florida. Happy to get away from the place that reminded her so much of you because she’d given up hope that you were really coming back. And she’s finally over you, so you need to move on, too,” Kristin said as she slammed the door in my face.

After that, I cut my leave short and headed back to post. Over the next two years, I found and stalked her on MySpace, but she didn’t really post that much. Every once in a while there’d be some blog post that seemed sad, but for the most part, she just posted pictures and song lyrics. Typical teenage girl stuff. But nonetheless, I subscribed to her posts, and they were the one thing that got me through my first deployment in Iraq.

I was sitting in the communications tent in Balad one scorching afternoon when my email pinged. Alexa had uploaded a post. I clicked on the link and waited for it to pop up.

Alexa Sullivan, 6/21/2003:

I could seriously listen to Daniel Bedingfield’s If You’re Not The One on repeat.

I thought that tonight would just be a night to write random things. I didn’t have much to say. I listened to hear this song. It brings back such memories. And so many thoughts about the future. It’s crazy that you can meet someone and automatically think, “I could definitely see myself with this person for the rest of my life.” But when do you actually know, “Wow, I’m going to be with this person for the rest of my life.”? I was in love once, or so I thought. At the time, I was completely infatuated with him, and I thought I was in love with him. And you know, maybe I was. But was it real love? Or was it the thought of being in love more than actually being there? And it makes me wonder
—
how will I know? But I’ve realized now that it will be so much bigger than what I thought I had. So much more.

As for relationships, I am single at the moment. For how long? Two weeks, two years
—
I don’t know. Whatever happens will happen as it is supposed to, am I right? (Fingers crossed on this one)

I need someone…but not just anyone. Someone who makes me laugh. At the dumbest things possible. And who laughs at me even when my jokes are completely unfunny. (Is that a word?) Someone to hold me when the time is right and to kiss me when I least expect it. Someone I can talk to for hours; someone who can look at me and know what I’m thinking or feeling. Someone who finds me beautiful, despite my imperfections (there are tons of them) and someone who loves me, flaws and all. Someone gentle, but who will also wrestle and pin me to the ground. Someone who will sing to me, no matter how his voice sounds, just because he thinks it’s sweet. Someone who wants kids and will help me raise them, not just push them off to me. Someone who’s willing to try anything, to work through anything, and someone who doesn’t give up when things get “a little too hard.” Someone who loves my quirkiness and my crazy little sense of humor. Someone who teases me, frustrates me, angers me, makes me think, confuses me, drives me crazy, makes me laugh, makes me oh so happy… Someone to argue with about the dumbest things ever, and then he’ll laugh because I’m cute when I’m angry. I’m not saying that I want THE perfect guy. Just the perfect guy for me. Whether he’s all these things or not, just as long as he loves me, I’ll be fine.

I fought to hold back the tears when I closed the web browser. After all, no one wants to see a soldier cry. She was talking about me. She’d loved me, and I waited too long to pursue her, causing her to question it all. And now the guy she’d described? That could be me—no, that would be me. I vowed to myself then and there that as soon as this deployment was over, I’d head to Ohio and bare it all to Alexa. She should’ve recently graduated, so she could go to college near my Army post. It would work out, I just knew it. Until the day my plans came crashing down.

Alexa Sullivan, 9/23/2003:

There’s someone new, and I couldn’t be happier. I never thought I could meet someone with whom I’d have so much in common. We’re so very much alike, and yet we have some incredible differences. That’s all the fun, I guess. I didn’t think I could talk with someone for 14 straight hours on my couch, but with Tyler, it’s possible. And I have a feeling that he’s here to stay.

To say that I was shell-shocked would’ve been an understatement. I only had a couple of months left on my deployment, and I was ready to see her. I was an assclown. I could’ve contacted her through her blog, but instead I thought I could make some romantic gesture and surprise her. Never in a million years did I think she’d find someone else. Yes, I was a total and complete idiot. For the third time in my life, I’d lost the girl of my dreams before I ever even had her.

“Jace! Are
you even listening to me??” Kate screeches, and I can feel a headache coming on.

“Kate, there’s nothing more to say. It was fun, but it’s over. I’m leaving in three days and I have too much to do to continue arguing about this. I’m sorry that you wanted more, but I just can’t give it to you,” I respond, silently hoping she’ll leave already.

She stands up, grabbing her purse, and gives me a look so cold it can only be rivaled by that of an Ice Queen. “You’re going to regret this, Jace McAllister. And when you do, I won’t be here waiting for you,” she huffs as she walks out and slams the door behind her. Before I can react, she opens the door back up and throws a shit ton of envelopes at me. “You are an asshole!” she says, looking satisfied as she slams the door again.

Jesus effing Christ. Kate used to be calm and low maintenance. I’d never met this crazy side of her. Thank God that’s over. This definitely calls for a beer. I pick up the scattered mail and start going through it as I head to the kitchen. I’m pulling a Shiner Bock out of the refrigerator when a postcard catches my eye. Closing the refrigerator door, I set the mail down on the counter. I pop the cap off of the beer and take a healthy swig while reading the information on the card.

It’s a reminder that my ten-year high school reunion is coming up this July and I haven’t RSVP’d. There is a number for me to call so that I could do just that. I thought I already sent my form in, but apparently not. I worked it out so that I could leave Afghanistan for the week of the reunion. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen all my old buddies, and I really want to reconnect. That is it—no other reason. Seriously. I have no reason to believe that Alexa would be there with Sierra. And even if she is, she’ll have her husband with her. God, I really hope she isn’t going to be there. I’m not sure I could handle seeing them together, no matter how long it’s been. I leave the kitchen and settle on the couch to finish watching Sports Center. Dialing the number on the card, I wait for someone to answer.