Illicit Canvas: political romance and stand alone romance (12 page)

Chapter Fifteen

The colour drains from my face and I clench my fist, imagining the two of them having sex last night. Ugly rage fills me, and even though I love my son, I want to kill him.

“Right.”

“He came over and we hung out. He got drunk, so I couldn’t let him walk all that way.” 

My vision blurs, but my own voice reminds me that I shouldn’t judge her. Arwen is single; she can sleep with whomever she wants. But I feel like someone is plunging a sharp knife into me, then scooping my heart out with a small spoon and setting it on fire.

“My son spent the night in your place?” I repeat, hoping that she is only saying this to make me angry. 

“I slept in Maja’s bed, Ethan. We didn’t have sex or anything. He was wasted and told me that he was in love with me.”

I swallow then, and relief overwhelms my senses. Good God, so she hasn’t slept with him. I try to breathe through my nose, but I’m afraid that she’ll hear the panic in my voice. I move the phone away from my ear, breathing quickly.

“Ethan are you there?” she asks after some time.

“Yes, I am. So he stayed over. I have to thank you for looking out for him.”

“He was really wasted and he said things that he shouldn’t have. He didn’t remember much this morning,” she explains.

Colin isn’t stupid. He probably does remember every single word, but he is too embarrassed to admit to that. Can he really be in love with her? For a split second I believed that she had sex with him. I need to calm down my racing heart.

“Arwen, you have every right to have whoever you please in your house.” I force myself to say this, thinking about what I did last night.

“I know, Ethan. I just wanted you to know what happened. Anyway I have to go. He’s still here.”

“All right. I’ll call you if I have any viewings. Take care.”

What’s wrong with me? I’m behaving like an obsessive man that is going through a midlife crisis, lusting over a young girl. I told her quite clearly that we can’t be together, that she should find someone else.

 
Shadows overpower me slowly, and doubts start slipping in. She isn’t mine and I must stop thinking like I own her.

I get back to my study and turn on the laptop. Luckily for me, I saved all the passwords last night and the websites where I registered. There is no way I believe I’ll actually find a date through the internet, and I’m horrified that I pushed myself to do this.

Within a moment of logging back in to the site, it turns out that I’m wrong, because the dark-haired woman has left a reply.

I stare at the phone for several seconds, biting my lip. This went completely wrong. I shouldn’t have said that Colin spent the night with me. Ethan’s phone call surprised me. Making him believe that I slept with Colin didn’t make me feel better; it actually made me feel like shit.

I get back to the kitchen where Colin is eating breakfast. We didn’t have a chance to talk about last night yet. Maja is a bit cranky. She is still not used to drinking more than a glass of wine.

“I’ll be in my room if you want me for anything. I really need to lie down,” she mutters. The bagels for breakfast didn’t do the job this time.

I sit at the table with my cold cup of coffee, not wanting to talk about what he said last night. We were together and now we are just friends.

 “Arwen, fuck, I’m sorry. I know what I said last night. It wasn’t supposed to come out like that.”

Obviously he wants to keep dwelling on the subject. Now I regret that I let him stay.

“It’s fine, Colin. You were drunk. Everyone gets a little melancholic when they’re drunk,” I say, thinking about Ethan’s suggestion: start going out with someone else. A cold shiver runs down my spine. I can’t imagine being so close to anyone else. I feel like we are playing with each other, seeing how far we can take this, because we can’t control our physical attraction.

“Are you even listening to me?” he asks, pulling me back to the kitchen. This really needs to stop; thinking like that won’t help me.

“Sorry, what was that?” I ask him.

His eyes are soft and his hand grabs mine. He isn’t making this situation any less complicated.

“Arwen, this wasn’t any melancholic drunken mumble. I’m in love with you and I can’t help it. It’s the truth, sugar. I thought that I could stay away, but I can’t.”

Now, I’m going to have a full-on meltdown. He didn’t just say that to me. I gently pull my hand away.

“Colin, we are just friends. You aren’t in love with me. Maybe you think you are, but this isn’t love.”

His pupils contract and I feel like a coward.

“Whatever. I know that I’m putting you on the spot, but that’s how I feel. Being with you … well, it was the best thing that happened to me.”

“We are friends, we always will be.”

“I won’t stop trying, Arwen. I can make you happy and I’m sorry about last night.”

I try to convince him that he is just confused, but he insists that it’s love. That he knew from the moment he saw me. I don’t believe in love at first sight, but then my mind brings back my first meeting with Ethan. I felt something then, and whatever it was, I felt invincible.

“I'll see you on campus on Monday,” I say when he is ready to leave. Colin insists on making it up to me, and when he is finally gone, I breathe out a sigh of relief. I’m so fucked up right now, I need to scream. My life is a mess, a tangled fucked-up mess.

Several minutes later, Maja appears at my door. “I don’t want to preach, Arwen, but I told you he won’t give up. I think he is just getting started.”

Her silver-blond hair is tangled and she has large circles under her eyes. The alcohol isn’t agreeing with her or maybe it’s a Swedish thing.

“Three weeks. We might have seen each other a total of ten times and we didn’t even have sex. He can’t love me; he thinks he does but it’s bullshit,” I argue, covering my face with my hands, feeling like I’m lying to myself.

Maja sighs and sits next to me. “I guess he feels drawn to you the same way you feel drawn to Ethan.”

“Yes, I get it. He feels the same way I feel about Ethan, but I don’t even know if it’s love. I kissed Ethan the other day, and it was fucking mind-blowing. If I hadn’t stopped myself then”

I can’t finish the sentence because I already know what I’m going to say. Sex, I would have had sex with him. I felt his need and desire dripping all over me. He wanted this as much as I did.

Maja doesn’t look at all surprised or even shocked. “Maybe you should stop worrying about Colin and just choose the father. Your ex will find someone else; they always do. He’s a player!”

“It’s not that simple, darling.”

“As I said, don’t listen to me, because I have no idea what I’m talking about, but if it were me, I would follow my heart, not what’s right or wrong.”

Then she disappears into her bedroom, leaving me in turmoil. Maybe she’s right, maybe I’m trying to protect too many people. What if Ethan is the one that the universe sent to this earth for me? I have been given a second chance, another opportunity. I have to grab it; otherwise, I’ll be miserable the rest of my life.

My Sunday dragged, but eventually I went to the gym and worked my butt off. I wasn’t ready to read the message from the dating site. It’s funny how pathetic I can be sometimes. I was afraid to move forward, to lose touch with reality.  

Today is a new day and I spent most of it online, doing research about my new business, and avoiding my dating profile. I have selected two perfect properties and I think I finally found the right one. It’s way over how much I planned to spend, but the place looks like it was just renovated. Arwen will like it and I’m going to put down a deposit with the estate agent as soon as I see it.

In the evening I’m certain that I’m ready to move on, talk to the president, and start over. I haven’t talked to anyone about this yet except for Arwen. Carl and Graham have left plenty of messages, but I haven’t bothered to call them back.

I end up watching stupid films and fall asleep on the sofa. In the morning my alarm wakes me up at five. It’s my morning routine that I had set up, but once I start the business, I can work out in the evenings. I leave twenty minutes later and work out, attempting to put my mind at ease.

I get to the office by eight and dive into emails. After setting up an appointment with the estate agent, I put in a request for a private meeting with the president. I will need a few weeks to tie up loose ends, sort everything out and recruit the right person for my position.

Colin calls and we chat for a bit about his latest football match. He wants to meet for a beer this week and I have a feeling that he wants to ask me how to get Arwen back. I leave for lunch before my assistant can swamp me with more work. 

My thoughts trail back to Arwen and her crazy idea, and on the way to the coffee shop, I wonder if I should call her. In the end I don’t, knowing that by avoiding contact, my life will be so much easier. My mailbox is full with messages from two of my friends that I used to see regularly. Since I’ve met Arwen, I put her as my main priority, forgetting about my own life.

An hour later, after stopping in a nearby gallery for twenty minutes, I’m back at the office. I pick up my folder and head to the top floor, knowing that the president doesn’t like wasting any of his valuable time. He has two PA’s, and Sharon, one of the English girls, tells me to go through. Part of me wants to get this over with; the other is asking myself if I’m doing the right thing. What if I plunge all my savings into this project and end up losing everything? I can’t see myself working for someone else and starting from scratch.

I knock on the heavy wooden door and when I hear a loud “come in,” I press the door handle. Normally this kind of thing would be handled by Human Resources, but I’ve been working for President Joseph Shultz for years and I want him to hear it directly from me that I’m resigning. 

He is sitting behind his desk writing something.

“Sit down, Ethan. Scotch?” he asks.

“I’m fine, sir.”

Sweat gathers on my brow as he puts away his stylish pen and closes the diary. Joseph Shultz is German and had been appointed since the beginning of the term. He has many critics and the media aren’t quite in his favour, but he knows how to use the law to his own advantage. 

“What can I do for you, Ethan?” he asks, folding his palms together. “Your email was a bit unusual.” Shultz has a certain power that radiates from him and is pretty good at intimidating his opponents.

I clear my throat, shifting on the chair. There is no point going through a conversation about the weather or how the stock markets are doing. He hates wasting time, so I might as well get straight to the point.

“Sir, I’m planning to hand in my resignation in a couple of weeks and I felt that it was necessary that you know first.”

His silver hair is cut short and he has wide grey eyes. Deep lines run through his cheeks.

“Resignation? You want to leave?”

“I’m burnt out, sir. I have given over twenty years to this job and I believe that it’s time to start something else.”

He leans forward, frowning.

“Are you going to Durham?”

“No, sir. I want to move away from the European Parliament, from politics, and start a business. It’s something that I have been thinking about for a while.”

Joseph relaxes then, and I feel like this conversation can move to the next level. 

“I appreciate the honesty, Ethan. I thought you would be the last person that I would lose. Are you absolutely certain about this?”

“Yes, sir. I have taken a few steps with the startup. This isn’t anything to do with a midlife crisis. This is something I’ve always had in the back of my mind.”

Shultz then questions me about my new venture and I tell him what he needs to know. Our conversation doesn’t last long, and after I’m back at my own desk, I feel relief. The transition has begun, the viewing is booked, and in a couple of weeks I will be living the dream—running my own art studio and probably setting up some exhibitions. The hard work is ahead of me, but that afternoon I feel I’ve finally done something right in my life. I can clearly see my goal. Part of my old self is finished with politics and now I’m ready to face a new part of my life.

Chapter Sixteen

 
It’s been a few days since I have heard from Ethan and I know that he must be angry about Colin; otherwise, he would have called. My coursework takes over most of my time and I’m surprised seeing the text message from him during lunch.

Meet me at this address today at four if you can.

I check the postcode on my phone and reply back, saying that I’ll be there. After the text I feel silly. Ethan was probably busy with his own schedule. He couldn’t have forgotten about me so fast. We both agreed that there can’t be anything between us, like two adults, but I felt like in the past few days he had slipped away, distancing himself further from me. The painting that I have been working on is finally completed. I finished it on Sunday, and for the first time in my life, I haven’t hidden it from the world. Instead I showed it to Maja.

 
“I love it. I think it’s amazing,” she says, staring at it mesmerised. Strangely, my heart pounds fast, but panic doesn’t seize me as when I was with Ethan. Maja’s reaction surprises me, because she often said that she doesn’t like art. We talk about my other paintings and I can’t wait to show Ethan what I have created for him.
 

After lunch I head for two more workshops and then I catch the bus to meet with Ethan. I’m glad that I took my mind off my father for a couple of days, because now I’m ready to start over. I feel pretty stupid for getting sick and overreacting. I have to pull myself out of the low moods. That period of my life is behind me. It’s time to grow a thick skin and resume the search.

The butterflies fill my stomach; in a couple of minutes I’m going to see him. That kiss keeps playing in my mind. He will probably act like it never happened and that’s okay. I’m used to being treated like no one cares.

When I reach the area, I set my Google Maps to the address that he sent. The neighbourhood is decent; there is a large cathedral on the main street. On the way, I pass many stylish bars and restaurants. Everything looks great, and this whole setup could really work. If Ethan concentrates on advertising, he could bring people from all over the neighbourhood.

I spot him outside the tall old townhouse. He is wearing a grey suit with a blue tie. My body sends a barrage of emotions through me, getting me high on him again.
 

 
“I have a surprise for you,” he says, shoving his hands into his pockets when I approach.

Deep breaths, I tell myself; this is the only way I can go through with seeing him this afternoon. “You’ve got me interested. I’m listening,”

I can see that he is trying to hide his excitement. It’s another viewing, but my intuition tells me that there is something special about this place. The building is old, from the Baroque era.

“Let’s go,” is all he says, winking at me. I feel like an idiot thinking that he was angry that Colin had spent the night at my place. Ethan behaves like our last conversation didn’t faze him at all.

We walk to the first floor as the door to the property is unlocked. Inside there is a large open room with wooden floors and bare white walls, ideal for an exhibition. My heels tap over the solid floor as I enter the next two smaller rooms. It looks like there has been some sort of workshop here before. There are tables, set up in classroom style. I stare at all this in disbelief, and my heart pounds because somehow this place is ideal. It’s perfect for Ethan’s business.

He walks in a minute later, finding my eyes instantly.

“Where is the estate agent?” I ask.

“In the area. Don’t worry, I have everything under control. So what do you think?”

Is he joking? Can he really be asking me what I think about this perfect building and the rooms?

“I love it! I can already see you walking people around, talking to them about the paintings. In this room you can set up a studio or a workshop. You could hire someone to run classes, rent it out for drawing or music lessons. The possibilities are endless.”

I circle around the room and then walk back to the larger one, imagining my paintings on these white walls. When I look at Ethan, he is smiling widely, his eyes flickering with the excitement.

“What? What’s so funny?”

“How much do you think the rent is on this place?” he asks, and the smile vanishes from my face instantly.

There is a catch, there must be one. The last property we looked at was cheap, but Ethan would have to spend a fortune renovating it.
 

“Go on, tell me; ruin the surprise,” I mutter, folding my arms over my chest. His face goes serious and he takes a step towards me. I can’t be that close to him. I don’t want to lose control again. He is playing a dangerous game.

 
“The estate agent isn’t here, Arwen. The truth is that I came here a few days ago to look at it.”

“What?” I ask with anger. “You came here without me?”

“Yes.”

“I can’t believe it. We made a deal!”

He laughs again and I’m fuming, wanting to remove that annoying smirk from his face.

“Well, I knew that it was the right location and the right place. All right, maybe it was over my budget, but I just couldn’t resist, so I took it.”

I keep shaking my head, not even realising what he is saying. It takes me a long moment to digest his words. “What? You rented this place already?” I ask just to be sure.

Ethan smiles again and then he reaches into his jacket pocket and takes out the stack of keys.

I scream and then throw myself at him, laughing like crazy. I’m happy for him, happy that he made this decision, so I hug him.

For a split second he stands frozen, but then his arms move around my waist. “I knew that you would like it and that’s why I wanted to surprise you,” he whispers in my ear, and then it hits me how close together we are. I don’t know what to do, so I continue to hug him, snuggling into his scent, listening to his heartbeat. God, I want to kiss him so much right now. Ethan’s fingers continue to trace my skin. The heat from his body ignites desire deep in my belly.

I don’t want this to stop, but it can only lead to one thing. Why do I keep doing this to myself?

“Arwen, you smell incredible. Have I told you this before?” he asks me in a quiet whisper. His heartbeat speeds up, and then before I can do anything, he pulls away, taking a sharp breath. I can’t read anything from his tight expression. We stand a few metres away from each other, and I don’t know where to look.

“Sorry, I was lost in the moment. I’m so happy for you, Ethan. This place is perfect,” I say, quickly shifting the subject.

 
“I want to turn this into an exhibition centre and art studio. All these ideas that you were talking about are great. Now I just have to start talking to people, and buy some rare pieces. I know that you said you will create something for me, but for the first exhibition I need a few paintings by reputable artists to draw people in.”

“I can ask people in the class to see if they would be willing to donate any paintings. It’s a good start and free exposure for them. Besides, I have finished my special project.”
 

He stares at me intensely and that deep desire starts moving its way through my body, making me want to do things to him that are wrong. Everyone knows that there is not much money in art, but if he executes all our ideas right, this place could be booming. He pushed me to show off my work to others, so maybe, after all, I’m not worthless and talentless like my father used to say.
 

“Arwen, are you aware that if you didn’t push me, I would have never done this? You’re my inspiration and my muse,” he adds with that soft alluring voice that always reaches my soul.

“I guess that we helped each other. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

Ethan smiles and proposes a celebration drink. I’m tempted to go out with him, but I say no. It’s for the best. I’m finding it hard to just be close to him knowing that there can never be anything serious between us. I’m proud of myself when I ask him to drop me at the campus.

“Let me know when you want to resume the search, Arwen; whenever you’re ready.”

“I will. Congratulations again, Ethan. It’s an amazing space.”

I smile and then get out of the car, feeling sad, because we are just friends and that’s all we ever will be.