Illusion (19 page)

             
He sets it down in front of me and holds my hands. I try to pull them away but he doesn't allow me to. He is crouching down in front of me and his expression is very serious. "I didn't go through your things, Zoey." His voice is surprisingly calm. "It was on the sink. Do you know the side effects to this though?"

             
"Yeah, there is always side effects to medicine. Dizziness, headaches, nausea, I don't know, I could probably name twenty more."

             
He sighs and closes his eyes. "Who put you on this?"

             
"Why?" I raise my voice again.

             
"Has anyone ever met Harvey?"

             
"You're not making sense." I start to pull back but he opens his eyes while tightening his grip on my hands. He isn't letting me go and I'm not sure how scared to be right now. "You're starting to freak me out."

             
He pulls me closer to him and gets a very serious look on his face, even more so than before. "Before I went into the Computer Science program at MIT, I thought about being a Biochemistry Major. I took an extended course in Pharmacology my first year and learned a lot about medications and the effects they have on people. This drug was one we studied closely and it's not recommended for anyone going through traumatic circumstances. With you having Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, you should have never been put on this."

             
"Okay," I say, still not understanding what he is saying to me.

             
"A large side effect, which you should have been told, is hallucinations."

             
"I don't get what you're saying. I'm not hallucinating. I'm not seeing ghosts, or hearing random noises, and I have no resemblance to someone with Schizophrenia. That is completely absurd and I don't like you insinuating something like that."

             
I push him away and start to stand but he gives me a pleading look and pulls me back down. "Sit and listen." His voice is firm and commanding. I obey, too scared not too.

             
"Not all hallucinations are like that, in fact, when you're on medication and going through something so incredibly distressing, they can be persuasively real. Has anyone else ever seen or met Harvey, or even talked to him? Do you have pictures of him, or met anyone in his family? You admitted yourself you never saw his apartment. Think about it."

             
I think on it and I want to argue, I want to scream and yell, I want to do something, but the more I think on it the more it almost makes sense. But it doesn't. We had sex. We touched. We spoke often. We were in public together nearly every single day. I had real feelings for him. He had his own smell. He bought me things, like food and flowers. No, it's not true.

             
"You don't know what you're talking about."

             
"Zoey, I'm sorry, but I honestly think..."

             
"You think I'm crazy, that's what you think. I'm not!" I scream at him. "I'm not crazy!"

             
He tries to wrap me in his arms but I shove at his chest. "Get the hell out of my apartment and the hell out of my life! I'm not insane!"

             
"Stop," he yells back. "I'm not calling you crazy, I'm trying to help!"

             
"No!" I point in his face. "No. Don't you dare. Get out, now!"

             
I shove his chest again and he falls backwards onto his butt. He stands up, shaking his head slowly. "Zoey, please, don't make me leave. You need me."

             
"No I don't!"

             
"Zoey..." he starts to plead but I can't have it right now.

             
"Get out!" I stand and run into my bedroom, slamming the door behind me. I lean against it and close my eyes, wishing this was all a dream. I want to wake up. This can't be true. It isn't true, it can't be. I won't allow it. I hear the door open and close, then it's silent. I'm left alone. I'm always left alone.

             
I fall down and it happens. It finally happens. I cry.

             
I don't just cry; I scream and sob and my body shakes. I can't move from this spot on the floor as my entire body releases all the tension and horror that has been invading it. "Why?" I yell out loud. "You're always making me suffer!"

             
The tears continue to fall and I can't even catch them before they roll off my cheek, so I give up. I only wipe at my face when I can feel the snot starting to fall from my nose. "What did I ever do to deserve this? I'm not crazy! I'm not!"

             
Pulling my legs up, I wrap my arms around them and rest my head on my knees. My sobbing has slowed down as I start to hiccup. I have to focus on my breathing so I don't hyperventilate too much. "Why," I whisper softly. "I just don't get it. I thought I did enough in this life time to deserve to be happy. Just once, I deserve to be happy."

             
The door opens back up in the living room and I glance at my clock. It's been an hour since Brice walked out. The realization it could be Harvey hits me and I stand and open my bedroom door. It's not him, it's Brice. He looks as torn up as I do with his blood shot eyes and shaking hands. "I'm sorry," he quickly says. "I had to come back and check on you."

             
I nod slowly while standing in the threshold to my room.

             
He walks in my direction, taking caution with each step. His arms open up and I run into them, needing someone's comfort. I don't like what he was insinuating, but he is just trying to help. "I'm not crazy," I whisper against him.

             
"Okay," he says softly. He runs his hand up and down my spine.

             
As everything that just ran through me, all the emotions, the tears I finally get to cry, the yelling and screaming, I feel exhaustion hit me full force. "I'm tired," I tell him.

             
"Let's get you to bed then."

             
We walk together into my room. He pulls the covers back and I lay down. He pulls them up and tucks them under my chin, then he runs his hand through my hair. I stare at his eyes, feeling adored in this moment. "I had sex with him," I whisper.

             
He nods his head, not looking away, not flinching, just listening to me.

             
"I kissed him, I held his hand, talked to him all the time. That doesn't make sense."

             
He looks down for just a moment, thinking about things. "I'm no doctor or pharmacist, I only know what I learned in school, but you can believe all that."

             
"I do believe that," I say with a little more of a stern voice. His hand leaves my hair to rest on my face. "He used to do this. I could feel the warmth in his hand, too."

             
With an inhale of breath, he comes a little closer to my face, resting his chin on the edge of my mattress. "Can you prove he is real from more than your memories?"

             
Closing my eyes, I think hard on that. I have no pictures with him, I never met or talked to his dad, I never got to introduce him to Emi, or Meghan, or even Bob. That doesn't mean anything though, it's only been two months since I met him. There was the cafe, the subway the first time we met, all the places we went. People saw us together all the time.

             
I open my eyes back up and look at Brice, who looks so concerned for me it's even more depressing. "We went everywhere together. The park, museums, on dates, my morning coffee shop, I went with him to all those places, and we held hands. We kissed. We talked. I'm not crazy. People saw us, communicated with us."

             
"Okay," he says. "Then he just left."

             
"Yeah, he did."

             
He kisses my forehead and stands. "Do you have your phone?"

             
"If you can find it. It's probably in my purse."

             
He leaves the room and is gone for several minutes before returning. He looks a little beaten down but doesn't say much. "Do you want to come with me to get Emi when it's time?"

             
"Yeah, please."

             
"Okay. Get some sleep. I have a few calls to make."

             
"Should I be worried?"

             
He walks over and kisses me one more time on the forehead. "I'm not sure."

             
At least he is honest with me.

             
He walks out of the room, turning off the light on the way out but not fully closing the door. I don't hear him talking or moving around, so I close my eyes. When I sleep, I dream of absolutely nothing and no one, and it feels so nice.

             
Emi wraps me tightly in her arms the second she spots me. Brice hangs back a little, knowing we need this moment. She points to the conveyer belt. "I have three bags this time, they all match." I'm sure he obeys her request.

             
She pulls back and grabs my chin, looking my face over. "Are you okay? Honest."

             
"I don't know."

             
She nods her head slowly. "Okay."

             
We walk together with her arm draped over my shoulder, following a few steps behind Brice. He has been very quiet since he woke me up from my nap and has kept his distance from me. He thinks I'm crazy and it hurts, a lot. So much more than the thought of Harvey up and leaving. It's all too much for me to handle and I'm not sure what I should do about any of it.

             
He loads her bags into the trunk, and I feel bad that he had to carry all that luggage by himself. I don't even understand how my sister managed to bring all that with her.

             
We make it back to my apartment and I grab one of the suitcases, knowing that its way too much for one person to carry up these steps by themselves. He thanks me and follows behind me until we're inside my apartment. "I'll call you tomorrow," he says to me, standing close to the door.

             
"I'll be at work," I tell him.

             
He looks concerned for me. "Are you sure that is a good idea?"

             
"I'm positive," I raise my voice.

             
With defeat he nods his head. "I'll see you there then."

             
He walks out the door and after a moment I follow after him. "Wait, Brice." He pauses down the hall when he hears my voice. I catch up to him but he doesn't turn to look at me until I pull on his arm from behind.

             
"Thank you," I tell him.

             
He nods his head lightly and pulls on me, giving me a hug. "I don't want you to be mad at me," he whispers.

             
"I'm not mad at you. I'm just in pain and very confused. You've been nothing but a concerned friend and I appreciate it more than I can actually say."

             
My body shivers as he pulls me a little closer to him. His hand rests on my lower back and I can feel his breath on my ear. "We'll get you healed, whether it's a broken heart or more, we'll get you better."

             
I nod my head against his chest. He kisses the top of my head and pulls back some. "See you tomorrow."

             
"Bye," I say with a small smile.

             
Getting back into the apartment, I see Emi on the phone with someone. "Yes Momma, she is fine, it's all okay. I'll have her call you tomorrow. Yes Momma. Okay, I love you too. Bye."

             
When she clicks the end button, she looks at me and smiles. "You're probably not that tired tonight, huh?"

             
I shake my head. "Not at all."

             
"Good! We need some serious girl talk and I slept on the plane, so I'm not tired either. We're staying up as long as possible, discussing this, all of it."

             
My lips pout out the same time I groan. "Annoying," I tell her.

             
That of course only makes her laugh. "But it's the best kind of therapy. Let's go. I'll get the wine, you get the pillows, and we'll reconvene in three minutes back here."

             
I roll my eyes then drag my feet as I do what she says.

             
When we're both back on the couch, I drink half the glass in one sip and she laughs at me. "Okay, so let's talk."

             
I tell her everything Harvey and I have been through over the course of two and a half months. From the time we met on the subway, to the next day in the coffee shop, all the things that she already knows. Then I go into more detail, telling her about our sex life and everything else. Some of it is embarrassing, some of it brings tears to my eyes, some of it makes me smile and gush. I also reluctantly mention how he reminded me constantly of Kirt.

             
When I'm finally done, when I tell her about the last time we had sex and the fact I felt like something was off, I also tell her about my dream where Kirt appeared. "Weird," she says. "Maybe Brice is right about the illusions."

             
I shake my head immediately dismissing the idea. "I'm not crazy, Emi."
              "That doesn't make you crazy Z." She holds my arm and becomes very serious. "It's nothing to do with your sanity, sweetie, it happens to people every day."

             
"No it doesn't or you'd hear about it more. There would be more warnings out there, and the doctors would be a little more cautious about what they put their patients on. I told the doctor Momma sent me to everything that I had been through, everything I was feeling, everything I wanted to feel. I wouldn't have been placed on something that would make see someone, feel someone, smell them, and start falling for them. It doesn't make sense."

             
Ignoring everything I just blurted out, she asks, "Will you see a new doctor?"

             
"I guess."

             
She pulls me into a hug. "Good. Let's get you to bed, it's almost one in the morning."

             
I'm surprised Emi is awake when I'm out of the shower in the morning. She hands me a cup of coffee brewed from my coffee maker. It isn't the coffee I want, but I'll accept it. "Sleep okay?" she asks.

             
"Yeah, thanks," I lie. She probably knows but doesn't say anything.

             
"Well, have a good day at work, I'll see you when you get home. Can you tell your boss that you have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow? We have a few errands to run as well, so it's best you get the whole day off."

             
I roll my eyes. "You already called a doctor?"
              "Nope," she claims. She pulls some lint off my shirt and smiles at me. "Don’t underestimate me though, it will be done. You'll be in someone’s office tomorrow. There are too many doctors in this city for me to be rejected by every single one of them, especially when I tell them your symptoms."

             
"Wow, thanks." I pull away from her and walk towards the door. I slide my purse over my arm, make sure I have my keys and phone, pick my travel mug of coffee back up and open the door. "But I do love you."

             
"I love you, too," she says back. I hear the door lock behind me as I make my way down the hall.

             
I wait until after ten before I enter Gemma's office, knowing she isn't the nicest person first thing in the morning. I knock on the door and she allows me to come in but looks very annoyed when she sees me. "Do you feel any better today, or do you want to leave early again?"

             
"Actually, I came in to ask if I could have the day off tomorrow. I have a doctor’s appointment and a few places I really need to be." I bite down on my lip, suddenly very nervous.

             
She seems even more annoyed by the entire idea, but then again, she has no idea the emotions I've been through in the last forty-eight hours. For obvious reasons I don't tell her either. She clicks a few things on her mouse and types out on her computer. "It looks like it can be done, but you're not going to be paid for your time off. If this continues you may be reprimanded though. Keep track of your hours and make sure you have all your assignments in before leaving today. If you don't get to it, you may have to stay late, because you have two things due tomorrow as well. The new magazine launches Friday and I need this done ASAP."

             
"Yes ma'am, thank you so much."

             
One perfect little eyebrow lifts. "Gemma, not ma'am."

             
"Right, got it. Thanks Gemma."

             
She waves her hands at me, dismissing me without saying so, then she gets back to her work load. I close the door behind me and exhale a much needed breath of relief. I hadn't realized how stressed I was before walking into her office.

             
At lunch Brice sits with me but is very silent. Finally I break the silence, not able to handle it anymore. "Emi is making a doctor’s appointment for me for tomorrow."

             
He looks up and smiles softly. "Good. Do you want me to come?"

             
I shake my head no. That'd just be weird. "Thanks though."

             
"You're welcome."

             
I can't think of any more to say right now, and obviously he can't either, so even though I didn't want to, we eat mostly in silence the rest of the lunch.

I end up staying an hour and twenty minutes later than normal to finish my assignments. When I walk of the elevator on the bottom floor, Brice is waiting for me, which surprises me completely. "Want to grab dinner?" he asks.

              Whoa, that is twice the surprise. "Sure," I agree. I text Emi in his car and let her know. She seems extremely excited for me. When we get to the restaurant, he parks the car and looks over at me. I turn to face him also, wondering what this is all about. It's obviously more than dinner.

             
He pulls my arm up towards him and looks to where I got that tattoo. That is there, right? I touch it, feeling the bubble in my skin where there is the scar I want to forget. There is a reason I got that tattoo there. He runs his finger over the scar after I do and he looks torn about something. "Did you try to kill yourself?"

             
I wasn't expecting his bluntness, but I don't lie.

             
"I started to. I heard Emi's voice and stopped myself."

             
He slowly shakes his head, not taking his eyes off from it. "The tattoo fits, strangely enough."

             
"Yeah, I know." I tell him.

             
"Is that your only attempt?"

             
"Yeah." What is with all the questions, I wonder.

             
He closes his eyes and I can see the relief wash over him. He is scared for me. He is scared this all too much for me to handle. If only he knew the half of what I've been through. "You won't try that again, will you?"

             
"Never."

             
His eyes open and he is looking at me now instead of my wrist. "How long were you two together?"

             
By the way he asks, I know his question is about Kirt, not Harvey. "Thirteen years."

             
His eyes widen in surprise. "I figured it was a while, but not that long. Did you guys ever get married?" My head is shaking no before he even asks the full question. "Why?"

             
"There is a lot to that story. We would have been married last week actually, if he would have lived."

             
His fingers lightly run up and down my arm and it's surprisingly soothing. He just keeps looking me in the eyes, his own are holding so many questions and thoughts. He wants to know the real me, but I'm scared to open up to him. It isn't the same as it was with Harvey. I'm not sure why I opened up so fast to him, it seemed like the right thing to do. It was almost too easy. With Brice, it's different. I'm more scared of him judging me, or not being able to handle it. I'm terrified of him running off.

It'd just be one more person to leave me. It's something I'm use
d to. I just don't want him to.

Not yet.

Not now.

Not ever.

              "Will you ever tell me?" I nod my head to answer him. "Just not today?"