Illusion (30 page)

              I'm woken up when two arms wrap me tight in them. Everything surrounding me is off, so I start shoving at whoever is touching me, screaming to get off. "Shh, Zoey, stop pushing me, its okay, I'm here. I'm here baby, shh. It's okay. It was just a dream, shh."

             
When I realize its Brice holding me tight, I stop pushing at him and instead grab handfuls of his shirt and pull him to me. He lays down next to me in bed and holds me tight, kissing me over and over, telling me repeatedly that it'll all be okay. I sob into his embrace until I'm able to catch my breath again.

             
Embarrassed by everything, I tuck my head into his neck and close my eyes. He takes a deep breath and whispers softly. "Do you normally have night terrors?"

             
"No," I tell him honestly. He probably doesn't believe since this is the second time he's witnessed me have them.

             
"How often do you have them?"

             
"Just sometimes. When certain things trigger them."

             
I can tell my voice comes out muffled against him. He pulls back and looks at me. He has water in his own eyes. I must have really scared him with my screaming and crying. I can't believe I did this at his mom's house. He is really going to want to leave me now.

             
He presses his forehead against mine. "Is this about the whole baby thing?" I nod my head slightly against him and he sighs, pulling me back into him embrace. "I'm sorry the situation is so hard for you.  You've really been through a great deal of pain, haven't you?"

             
Again, I nod but don't say anything. He kisses the top of my head. "I'm not leaving you," he says softly. "If that is something you're scared of."

             
Another sob leaves me, and I'm not sure if it's because that was exactly what I needed to hear in the moment or if I'm still just that sad. He shushes me again and presses his lips to my head once more. We lay together this way until we hear his mom walking down the stairs. I turn my head and look at the clock. It's just after six in the morning.

             
"Your mom isn't going to like me anymore," I whisper.

             
"I very much doubt she is going to judge you for having a bad dream." More like bad life, I say to myself. "If anything, I'm sure she'll accept you all the more. You're not just some girl that has made your way into my life, you're the first girl I've told my mom I love, you're the first girl who I can see myself living my future with. You've struggled over and over, and here you are, still living and breathing. You're still surviving. You love me back, and I know she sees that. The way she looks at you, I can see the joy in her eyes."

             
I pull back and look at him. "You're too sweet to me."

             
"I don't think I'm sweet enough if I'm giving you any doubts about me or my family accepting you."

             
I look away, unable to see the intensity in his eyes. His hand comes to my face and he makes me look back at him. "What do I have to do to prove how much I love and adore you? I've known you for a few months and you already cause me more joy than any girl I've ever been with. You need to see yourself the way I see you. You need to see your beauty- inside and out. You need to feel how fast my heart beats when I just simply look at you. When you laugh or smile, I can't help but feel warm inside. Everything about you has me falling so deeply in love with you."

             
"You should say your poetry at that bar."

             
He shakes his head. "You're not grasping anything I'm saying to you, are you?"

             
"Not really, actually. I mean, I get that you love me, and I appreciate your love. I accept that and I want to embrace it the best I can. And I love you back, more than I thought I could, faster than I thought I would. What I don't get is, that you are willing to stay with me knowing that is it. This is all we'll ever be, just you and I."

             
"Because my love for you is enough. Zoey, baby, please stop, okay? If I could, I'd put a damn ring on your finger right now just to prove to you that you're all I need. The only thing that even remotely makes me scared of loving you and moving forward with you, is the fact that you can so easily hurt yourself. Stop doubting yourself, stop doubting us, stop doubting our future, okay?"

             
"Yeah," I mumble. It hurts to know that I'm scaring him. This isn't how I wanted it to be while visiting his family for the first time. This isn't how I wanted our relationship to be at all. I don't want this pain and torture like I had with Kirt the last couple years. I want to be happy, I really do. There is just a part of me that is always going to doubt that I'm enough, but I'll try. For both Brice and myself, I'll try.

             
We make our way downstairs after a few sweet kisses. His mom is in the kitchen, flipping some pancakes on a griddle. "Y'all ready for some flapjacks?" she yells out over her shoulder.

             
"Sounds great Momma."

             
"Smells great, too."

             
She puts a couple on a platter then points to the fridge. "Get the syrup out of there, will ya."

             
Brice walks over and grabs the syrup and butter, then the platter of pancakes. He then walks towards the dining room. I grab the milk and cups that his mom pointed to without asking anything, then I follow behind him.

             
We both sit down at the table and his mom joins us with a cup of coffee a few minutes later. Mm, coffee, I could really use a cup. Brice seems to notice and elbows me. "Want some coffee?"

             
"That would be great, please." He stands and leaves the room. His mom doesn't even look at me and that hurts, a lot. I'm sure she thinks I'm some kind of freak for the screaming I did this morning in my sleep. She is probably doubting me a good match for her son, and that is before she knows any of my secrets and past.

             
Brice comes back in, hands me a coffee that looks to have creamer and sugar already in it, then he settles back in his seat. It's not coconut flavored but it's better than no coffee at all.

             
When we're done, I thank his mom as Brice grabs our empty plates. I pick up our cups and walk into the kitchen with him after she just simply smiles at me. "Your mom doesn't like me," I say. I lean against the counter and he walks over, placing his hands on either side of me, then comes forward and kisses me on the lips softly.

             
"She isn't a morning person."

             
Yeah, right.

             
She walks in a minute later and I hope she didn't hear me. I don't need to give her yet another reason to dis-like me. "Brice, dear, I need a few things at the grocery store, you mind grabbing them for me?"

             
He looks over at her and backs away from me just a little. "Sure, let me just go change." He looks back at me. "You need to shower or anything first?"

             
"Actually," his mom says grabbing both of our attention. "I'd like to have a conversation with Zoey alone please."

             
I'm not sure who looks more nervous, Brice or myself. "Uh, mom, I don't-"

             
Her eyebrows lift. "She'll be fine. I'm not going to hurt the precious girl, I just want a talk to the lady who is in love with my only son." She smiles and walks past us.

             
He turns his attention to me. "Are you going to be okay?"

             
No! "Uh, yeah, I guess."

             
He smiles softly. "If she hurts your feelings at all, you tell me, and we'll get a hotel room for the night."

             
I nod my head. "Uh, okay."

             
When Brice leaves, after asking me for the sixth time if I'll be alright, I sit on the couch and try to not to throw up from the nerves his mother has given me. She comes sauntering down the steps and with a smile makes her way over to me, just to take the place next to me.

             
Without so much as a word, she grabs my wrist and looks down at it. Oh, shit, that is why. She saw my damn scar underneath the tattoo and already deems me unworthy of her son. "When did you do this?" I know it's not about the tattoo.

             
"A little under a year and a half ago, when my fiancé at the time passed away."

             
I can hear her inhale a sharp breath. "I'm so sorry for your loss. May I ask what happened?" She drops my wrist and looks me in the eye. Hers look very sad.

             
I may as well be honest with the lady. "He was deployed for three months when his tank hit an IED."

             
She nods her head, accepting what I'm saying. "Is that your only attempt?" She nods her head towards my wrist.

             
"With all due respect, I'm not really sure I feel comfortable discussing this right now." I mentally pat myself on the back for sticking up for myself. I know I'm with her son, and I'm in her home, and she is concerned, but she really doesn't have that much of a right to ask me such a personal question.

             
With a sad smile, she reaches over and grabs my hand. It's an odd gesture in the moment but I allow her to. "I was sixteen when I had Lynette. I thought I was madly in love, my parents kicked me out of my house, and her father, which is the father to all my children, got a job and we moved in together. Granted the place we lived was like a roach motel and a place no child should be raised, but we had nowhere else to go. His parents had the same feelings."

             
Okay, I don't understand what this has to do with me, but I listen anyways.

             
"Fourteen months after she was born, along came Brice. I still wasn't even eighteen yet, and their father was just turning nineteen. He worked damn hard to provide for us and all his efforts and support, plus being so young, I fell deep and hard for him. Eventually I got myself a job, then I got myself pregnant again, so I quit. He supported me no matter what happened between us, and he loved every single one of us. The only one planned out of our four children was Savannah."

             
Once again, I don't see what any of this has to do with us, and I sure hope it doesn't have anything to do with her wanting me to hurry up and have kids with her son. Or to leave him the hell alone.

             
"You see, he was all I ever knew. He was the love of my life, the reason I breathed, the reason I could handle the craziness of four children. He saved me from my parents, he was everything I ever could wish for. Then one day, his secretary was knocking on the door with a very swollen belly and claimed him as the father. It was one of the most heartbreaking days of my life. The kids were still young and didn't understand why we started fighting all of a sudden, or why I was always crying. I couldn't get passed it, I refused to forgive him, so he left."

             
My heart breaks for this woman. How horrible.

             
"He moved to Texas with the girl, who is ten years younger than him. Leaving me and our children so he could start a new life with his now wife and child. In fact, I think has like three now." She waves it off. "I was thirty, Lynette was sixteen and was starting to date. I couldn't deal with anything, so I thought, and well." She lifts her wrist up to me. "It's not covered with a tattoo, just lots and lots of wrinkles."

             
I can feel my throat close up as I see four smaller scars and one large one faded across her wrist. Wow, that is a lot of pain too. I guess sometimes I forget how much others suffer as well. "I didn't try to kill myself, I just did it to relieve some pain. You see, I was always in so much pain emotionally, that the physical pain took away from that. It was easier to feel something sharp pressing into my skin that it was to feel my heart in throat, my throat in the pit of my stomach, and my head splattered all of the place."

             
"Wow," I breathe. That is pretty intense. I can't take my eyes off from her wrist.

             
"Wow is right. It was stupid and reckless and the worst mistake I ever made. I didn't know it at the time. It wasn’t until three months down the road I pressed deeper than I meant to and ended up passing out, and poor Lynette came home from school early and found me on the floor. She thought it was a suicide attempt. I don't think she ever told Brice or the others, so I'm not sure if they know or not, but I'd rather them not ever know." She gives me a stern look and I nod my head, letting her know I won't say anything.

             
"So you see. I got better and I live my life to the fullest. I love with all my heart, I let those around me know how much I love and adore them, I embrace the bad with the good, and I appreciate each day that God gives me. Now, I'm not a religious person, but I do believe God has a plan for everyone. He puts people in our lives when we need them most, he doesn't give us more than we can handle, and if he takes one of us out of this world, it isn't because he wants others to suffer, he just needs them as an angel."

             
That reminds me of what my illusion of Harvey said to me. "You were given this life because you're strong enough to live it, Zoey."

             
"Thank you," I tell Brice's mom with a hoarse voice. "I needed to hear that."

             
"I know," she says. "I can see it written on your face. That pain and sorrow. I lived it so long, I can see it easily. You seem like a great woman, Zoey, and I'm sorry you've experienced that kind of pain. Just don't take your loss and your yesterdays out on my son. Or yourself for that." She pats my wrist. "One day you're going to wake up, look at yourself in the mirror, and you're going to see what everyone else sees. A strong, sweet lady."

             
I smile at her as I wipe away a tear from my eye. I figure since we're talking so open and honestly, I may as well let her know what my night terror was about. "I can't have kids. I had to have a partial hysterectomy, so I'm never going to be able to have children. It's the one thing I'm scared about in the future. That is what got me screaming this morning in my sleep. Brice claims he can live with that because he loves me enough, but I'm scared." My voice chokes at the end and her eyes water too.

             
"Hey, shh, don't cry sweat pea. When his father left, he had a lot of trust issues. He wasn't one of those boys to go and sleep around, but he has dated a lot of girls. Even so, he never showed interested in settling down, getting married, having kids, none of that. He called me a few months back and said he found a girl that caught his attention. I figured it was just another girl, but when he described things about you, I could hear it in his voice, I could hear the change. He calls and tells me more about you than he tells me about himself. I know that he loves you with all his heart. And that boy, he knows how take care of a woman, he has been helping take care of me and his sisters for so long now."

             
I just stare at her and listen to her, as she wipes away a few more of her own tears. "I never thought I'd see the day he fell in love. The fact he has chosen someone who is obviously smart, who understands love and loss and pain and happiness, it means the world to me. I'm going to tell you right now, he isn't going to let you go over something as trivial as you not being able to carry a baby. If you two really want kids in the future, you'll have kids. I'll help you, sweetie. Don't let it ruin your relationship now, though."

             
I clear my throat and stutter a little bit as I confess I've been down that road. "Kirt, my ex, we uh, we tried the adoption thing. It's why he joined the military, so we'd have more money and stability. It's why he, why he left."

             
She pulls me to her and hugs me close. "He didn't leave sweetie. He's right here." She holds her hand over my heart. "He is with you always. Just because this situation you find yourself in ruined a part of your life once, it doesn't mean it will again. Okay? Be blissful and appreciative before it kills you, because it will. This stress isn't good for you or your body. Look at all my grays and wrinkles, I'm only forty-three, no way should I look this damn old."

             
Wow, she is right, I never would have thought she was so young. She looks closer to sixty. I guess she was right when she said she wasn't that old yesterday.

             
"Now," she clears her throat and pulls away, "I know you don't know me that well, besides what we just talked about, but if you ever need some advice, I'm only a phone call away."

             
"Thank you."

             
She smiles and stands.

             
"I think it's time I shower."

             
She doesn't say any more as she makes her way towards the steps. I just lay back on the couch and think about everything she has said to me. She has given me a bigger outlook on life than Dr. Ross, my sister, Brice, Kirt, or anyone really. She gives me more of a hopefulness than I thought I'd have. I hardly know the woman, yet I already know that she has a place in my heart that can never be replaced. I feel accepted and loved by her already. We have a connection to one another that not many people could possibly understand.

             
I love that she has so much strength. She loved, lost, went through a severe depression, and she is living and breathing many years later. She is truly happy and grateful for things in her life. She is surrounded by love and respect. I can have that, I can be that, I can pull myself together and have that in my life too.

             
I say a silent prayer, thanking God for sending me to her.

             
When Brice gets home, I help him unload the groceries. Okay, I try to help him, but since I have no idea where anything goes, he puts them away and I lean against the counter and watch him. When he is done, he walks over and pulls me to him, hugging me tight. "Do I dare ask how that went?"

             
"Really good," I tell him.

             
He pulls back and looks at me, completely surprised. "Seriously?" he asks in disbelief.

             
I nod my head with a smile, then I kiss his lips. "Honestly."

             
"Wow." He kisses my mouth again. "I'm glad to hear."

             
"So you really see a future with me, regardless to me having illusions of lovers, having a horrid past, and a limited future?"

             
His smile fades and his hand goes up and runs through my hair. "I'd marry you right now, Zoey, and I mean that. Yes, I see a future with you, and a loving, beautiful one at that."

             
"Then let's go."

             
"Go where?"

             
I give him a Cheshire Cat smile. "Your mom opened my eyes up in a way I can't explain to you, but she really had me focus on different aspects of my life. Look at things differently. I've been wanting to be the old me again, the one that is carefree and happy, that loves with her whole heart, that is passionate and spontaneous. I want that again more than ever, and I want it with you. So let's go, let's get married."

             
His eyes widen to three times their normal size and he takes a step back. "Are you uh- did you take something?"

             
"No, I didn't take anything. I just love you that much and I never want to lose you."

             
"You won't ever loose me, Zoey." He takes a step forward this time and grabs both my hands in his.

             
"If you don't want to, never mind. I just thought you meant it," I shrug, "but yeah, I can see where you'd think I was being too irrational."

             
"What a damn minute, I didn't say you were being irrational and I didn't say that I didn't want to marry you. I'm just trying to make sense of this. This morning I could have sworn you were going to run away from me and I'd never see you again, and now you're telling me you want me to marry me, right now. Like you want to go elope or something."