Illusions Complete Series (57 page)

I had to form my plan on how I could manage to divorce him without him knowing about Dalilah, then make a new life with just her and me.

I had a chance to think about what I wanted, really wanted, after Ryan was forced out of Richard's house that day. He finally gave up and went home at some point during the night. And I laid there and realized that I could never be with him, because I could never trust him not to hurt me again.

He talked about his soul being ripped out.

So was mine when I found out about Nat.

He talked about a part of him dying.

The same thing happened to me when I found out about Nat.

After everything that had happened to me, I didn't need any more pain in my life.

So, all I wanted was to carry my child, and hope that we could make a little family that would never leave me or hurt me.

With a heavy heart, I prepared divorce papers.

I didn't need a lawyer. I literally didn't want anything from him. Just my maiden name restored. That was all that I wanted, so I figured that it would be easy as pie to get through it. And I had to do it quick, before I really started to show. As it was, I was seeing a little tiny pooch that was getting bigger by the day. If he knows about the baby, there would be no divorce by law. And it would complicate matters after the baby was born. There would be a custody battle, and I would always have him in my life, ripping out my heart every time I saw his beautiful face. Every time I saw him with Natalie and their no-doubt beautiful child, a part of me will die.

I couldn't have that.

I needed a clean slate.

It occurred to me that I would be committing a major fraud when I made the allegation that I was not currently pregnant, which was an important part of every dissolution of marriage petition. But I would simply go off the grid again. Start a new life somewhere else, somewhere he can never find me. I always wanted to live in San Francisco.

But I wouldn't have money.

At that, I made an online application for a Visa. I figured that, at that moment, I had a million dollars in my account, so getting approved would be a snap, bad credit or no.

In a matter of minutes, my hunch was correct. I had a $20,000 limit.

Enough to get me started someplace new, to tide me over until I found a job.

My divorce petition prepared, I took a bus downtown to file it with the fee. Ryan would be served at home. I couldn't do that to him at his work.

Chapter Forty

Ryan was served at his home, and he started blowing up the phone again. I refused to take his calls, but I did call his lawyer to schedule a meeting where we would hammer everything out. That way we could simply walk the divorce through on the uncontested docket, and get the judge to sign off on it.

This meeting happened about a month after I filed the papers. Ryan had finally given up in defeat, and we agreed to meet at his lawyer's office. Sheldon would be handling his divorce, as he apparently handles all of Ryan's legal matters.

Of course, Sheldon's office was in a high rise downtown. We met in the enormous conference room with floor to ceiling windows, and legal books lining the shelves. I smiled at looking at the legal books. They were all for show, of course - no lawyer ever looks at a book. There's no need to, when absolutely everything is on-line. Still, it looked nice.

Ryan walked into the room, and I almost didn't recognize him. He had lost a considerable amount of weight, he was pale, there were dark circles under his eyes, and his hair had become unruly. It had a tendency to become unruly anyway, as it was super thick and wavy, but he always kept it trim and tamed. Now it was just growing out and looked a bit wild. He also had a full beard and moustache, which actually suited him. He was dressed down in shorts and a rumpled button down. I didn't think that it was possible that he could look so disheveled.

Even so, he was still the most beautiful man I had ever set eyes upon.

My heart broke.

We sat there, just looking at one another, waiting for Sheldon to come in. His eyes were pleading with me, and it was all I could do to not leap into his arms and kiss him as passionately as ever, to tell him to forget this divorce nonsense, and that we would get through the Nat crisis together. That I never wanted to be apart from him, ever, and that I wanted us to be the two old people in the rocking chair, just like he told Sarah.

Instead, I looked away. I felt self-conscious about my little belly, so I was wearing a loose-fitting shirt. I hoped that he just thought that I was gaining weight from eating too much from depression.

Finally, Sheldon came in. He was a short man, about 5'7”, chubby, bespectacled, and with a receding hairline. He wore suspenders and a pin-striped shirt.

“Ok, Mrs. Gallagher. Here is our opening offer,” Sheldon said, sitting down, and giving me a piece of paper.

“No need. I just scheduled this meeting because I want to get everything finalized. I don't want a thing.” I was trying so hard to be courageous, and I felt I just came off as being cold.

At that, Ryan looked pained.

“Mrs. Gallagher, that's not an option. Please review our offer.”

It was some opening offer. Ryan was trying to give me $50 million and the Cezanne, along with the Volvo, and the red diamond ring. My mouth dropped open when I read on the offer sheet that the Cezanne was valued at $120 million. The red diamond ring was valued at $2 million.

“With all due respect, I don't want anything,” I said, pushing the paper back in rejection of the offer. “This is all very well and good, but I really don't want anything.”

“Mrs. Gallagher, this is our offer. You need to take this, or there will be a trial.”

“That's good with me. In a trial, that judge won't give me much. We were married for about a minute. Now, please don't be ridiculous,” I said, addressing Ryan directly. “I didn't earn any of this, so I'm not taking any of it.”

“Mrs. Gallagher, that's not how it works. You are entitled to-”

“Half of all earnings and increase in property value during the marriage. I know. I was a divorce attorney, so please don’t talk down to me. What I am entitled to isn't what you are offering me, and you know it,” I said, again addressing Ryan directly. “You're offering me half of everything you have, essentially, and I'm not taking it. I'm telling you I don't want anything. Those divorce laws are antiquated, anyhow, made during a time when a woman couldn't live without support from a man. I can make my own living.”

“Be that as it may, Mrs. Gallagher, we are not withdrawing our offer.”

“If you try to force me to take this offer, I swear to god, I will give every last penny to charity. I'll sell that Cezanne and give every nickel to the ASPCA, and every last penny from the cash I am getting.”

To this, Ryan finally spoke. “Good. Those animals need protection.”

My heart was being ripped out, as I remembered that those were the exact words Nate said to Ryan at that dinner just before Christmas of the year before last. God, that was a little over a year ago, and it now seemed like it was decades ago. That was such a happy time....I fought back tears remembering that wonderful memory.

But I didn't tell him what I was thinking, how my heart was breaking with every glance I made at him. Instead I said “Well, if you aren't going to be reasonable, I will take my chances with the judge, and tell the judge that I don't want anything. Hopefully the judge will listen to me more than you will, Ryan.”

I was bluffing, of course. The trial would be set out too far in the future, and, by then, there would be no hiding Baby Dalilah. And the last sonogram did show that the baby was a she, so I didn't have to change the name I had picked out for her.

“That's my offer,” Ryan said. “Take it or leave it.”

I shook my head angrily. I was being backed into a corner, and I didn't like it. I had to take this offer, but there was no way I was going to take it lying down. It would be drastic to give it all to charity, but I could always just pretend it didn't exist. I would continue to live on my own wages and my own gumption, and pretend it all doesn't exist.

“I don't want your money. I don't deserve it, and I don't want it. Please listen to me. I don't want anything from you.” Inside I was screaming
I love you, I love you, I love you. Please don't leave me. Please don't leave me. I'm dying inside.

Ryan and Sheldon were now whispering amongst themselves. Then Sheldon said “Fine, Mrs. Gallagher. We will see you at trial.”

No. No trial. “Ok. I'll take the offer.”

Ryan looked like a deflated balloon. I thought that I saw a little bit of life in his eyes when he first saw me, but that flicker was gone. Now he just looked dead inside.

Like myself.

With shaking hands, I signed the paperwork.

Then got up and left without a word.

Chapter Forty-One

“Doll, what are you going to do now?” Richard was asking me, as he watched me packing my suitcase.

“I'm leaving. I can't be here. There are too many bad memories here, and, besides, Ryan can't know about Dalilah.”

“How can you just keep that from him? That's his child, too.”

“50-50 chance it's not his, remember?”

“50-50 chance it is his, too. Besides, what are you going to do when Rochelle has her trial? You are the star witness.”

“Hopefully that will plead and I'm not going to have to worry about it.”

“Fat chance. The news stations are already gearing up for it.”

“By then, Dalilah will be here, and I'll put her in day care or something. I'll think of something.”

I always do.

“You still aren't thinking rational, Doll.”

“Richard, I haven't been thinking rationally since the rape. And I really haven't been rational since the whole Nat business. Do you know that she's living with him, now?”

“How did you figure that out?”

“I've been doing drive-bys. Her car is there night and day.” I held back tears. “Anyhow, I always knew that my whole life with him was too good to be true. He is too good to be true. I never deserved him anyway. I never deserved him anyway.” At that, the tears came, and Richard held me close to his chest while I cried.

“I'll miss you, Doll,” he said. “We all will.”

I said nothing, just nodded my head. “I'll miss you too.”

“Well, we can’t just let you leave without having a goodbye party. I’m going to throw you the most fabulous bon voyage imaginable.”

“You always do throw the best parties,” I said.

So, the going away party was set for the next day, an impromptu shindig. The short notice for the party was necessitated by the fact that I, well, wanted the hell out of town.

I felt awful breaking the news to my parents. “What?” my mother asked me after I invited her to the party. She was astonished. “Why are you leaving?”

“I just feel the need to get away,” I said. “I can’t face the fact that I might run into Ryan here in town.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” my mother said. “There’s over a million people in the area. Chances are that you never will have to see him again.”

“I can’t take that chance,” I said, not telling her that there was a grandchild on the way.

The party was a success, in spite of the short notice. I helped get everything ready, and the boys used their good China. Over 40 of my closest friends and family showed up to wish me well. I was touched that they were able to make the party with only a day’s notice. The spread included lasagna, garlic bread, pizza, cheesecake and lots of alcohol. I didn’t partake in the alcohol, of course, but everybody else did. Everybody stayed until around midnight, then they headed home, pretty much
en masse.

Debbie stayed late to help clean up. “So, what are you going to do once you get out there?”

“I have no clue,” I said. “Get a job, I would imagine.”

“Are you going to take the bar?”

“I doubt it. I didn’t like law here, so why would I want to practice it out there?”

“Because that’s what you know. That’s what you are trained for. That’s what you spent 7 years of your life getting an education for.”

“Yeah, that’s played. I’ll just have to figure something else out.”

She was disapproving, I know, but she said nothing. She was very good about not pressing the matter when it becomes clear that I didn’t want further discussion. This was a learned skill for her, but she mastered it well. Yes, I was screwing up my life. I was well aware of that. But I was determined to follow through with my plan, come hell or high water. I didn’t care that the plan was stupid, or not viable. Debbie knew this, understood this, so she said nothing more.

She did, however, admonish me about the baby. “You can’t just keep that baby away from him forever, you know. Sooner or later, you’re going to have to tell him.”

“I realize that. But I need to feel a little more sane and stable before doing that. Right now, with my hormones so out of wack, and with my feeling so betrayed and traumatized, I just cannot face him. I’ll recover, I always do. I’ll get stronger, and then I hope to come back and make things right.”

The next day, I got my suitcase, and packed Madison in her carrier. Then I cried in Richard's arms for what seemed to be an eternity, and said “drive me to the airport?”

At that, we got into his car and headed to the airport so that I could catch the next flight to San Francisco.

Chapter Forty-Two

I was now in San Francisco, the city by the bay. I had a cash advance from my Visa, and put the money into my new account. I pretended that the other money didn't exist. I also got a new phone and a new phone number.

I checked into a low price hotel that was by the Pier 39, hiding the fact that I had a cat, and walked down to watch the sea lions frolicking on the dock. I stood there for hours, just watching them bully each other and bark. Then I took a bus through China Town and over to Ocean Beach. Since it was now early spring, it was freezing, and I had wrapped myself up in a winter coat, hat, gloves and a scarf. The beach was deserted, but the ocean was comforting. There was no way that I could possibly get in the water, but I, once again, felt the presence of God. The ocean always made me think of Him, for some reason. There was no other times when I felt His presence but when I looked at the vast depths of water.