I'm Judging You (21 page)

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Stages of the Facebook Relationship: Bliss to Ending

Stage 1: They meet someone and have a date

The Bleeding Heart is single, and they don't like it. How do we know? Because they remind us constantly how much they want love and how happy they'd be if they were in a relationship. It's a pity party and a wishing well at the same time, and you wonder if they meant to send this as an e-mail to their best friend instead of making it a public Facebook status. Sometimes, it's an audition, too, because they will post thirst-trap pictures, and we all hope someone falls into the trap they've set. We want them to find someone so they can stop begging the universe like they're in a nineties R&B video. They probably spend many a night staring out a window as it rains while rocking silk pajamas.

This is when the Bleeding Heart lets us all know that they're going on a date. They're not going to make the status just that plain, though. They inform us about their impending outing by having us help them pick out an outfit. Or they ask a question like, “Where should I take someone that will be cheap and creative?” And everyone is genuinely excited to help crowdsource this fun event. Well, everyone who hasn't been their Facebook friend for a while and so doesn't already know that this is something that occurs so often that it's lost its luster.

Anywho, they settle on that fancy date to Olive Garden because a Never Ending Pasta Bowl is a great way to get to know a potential bae better. They get dressed in their finest Friday night duds that look good but don't look like they tried too hard. They take that full-length-in-the-mirror-before-stepping-out selfie and upload it so everyone can tell them how hot/adorable/cute they look, with the caption “Date tonight! #Cute #Boots #Sweater #Kisses #Follow4Follow #FridayNight #TGIF #SlayingALittle #Black #Blue #Denim #MightDrink #BreadSticksAreHappening.” So then I'm forced to start praying that they get basil from their pasta in their teeth because
why all these damb hashtags?
Okay, you know where I stand on this.

The date happens, and they make sure to post a picture of their food and their date's, but never show enough of the other person that we can identify who they're going out with. You know, because they like their privacy (*coughs*). After the date, they post a status saying things went well and they really clicked and it was a beautiful time. And so it begins.

Stage 2: The dating commences

Soon, that one date becomes several, and they start posting statuses about crushing and being smitten. They're being all coy, and cute, and as unsubtle as a toddler's coloring habits. They post emojis of a blushing face randomly, too, just so people can know they flush scarlet at the thought of their new companion. Then, when people ask them for details, they all of a sudden want to be discreet. Everyone resorts to seventh-grade tactics, with “OOOOHHH YOU LIKE SOMEONE,” and sometimes their BFF will throw in an inside joke to which the Bleeding Heart replies with giggles. Sometimes, this stage makes you (read: me) wanna gag yourself with a spoon. You are a fully grown thirty-five, and three dates has turned you into a middle schooler? Bless your heart.

Stage 2 is also when they must post pictures of the flowers and Edible Arrangements that their date sent to their job, because you know it's not real until you get that surprise delivery. Get it, boo-to-be! There's always that person in the peanut gallery there to assure them that “he's a keeper.”

Stage 2.5: Love quotes

They start posting nightly quotes about love and how it makes your heart lighter in your chest and the sun rise earlier every day or some corny shit that Nicholas Sparks would be proud of. They scour Pinterest for love buttons and post them all over their Instagram as they digitally swoon all over the place. Love is brewing for sure in their land, and they just can't help it. The kiss-face emoji is often abused here, but you're happy for them that things are going well.

Stage 3: Facebook official

Next thing we know, after three serious dates and so much eBlushing that you want to ask them if they have a fever in real life, the Bleeding Heart takes that giant step: they change their Facebook relationship status to “In a Relationship with Bae S. Bae.” They are so excited to let the world know, and this status change comes with a soliloquy on how they have found their backbone in Bae. Their BFF is all, “FINALLY. I was wondering when you'd put it up,” and puts up a smug emoji so everyone can know they knew first and were in on it. Ain't nobody care, though.

Other people rain down congratulations on the newly taken eFriend as if they just won a blue ribbon at a dating derby. I want to comment, “Yay, congrats on finally having asked them, ‘Where's this going?' So brave!” Or, basically: “Glad your lonely ass finally found someone so you can stop telling us how lonely you are.” It's like a verbal slow clap full of shade.

Shout-out to you for finding someone who thought you were worthy of giving their last piece of chicken. That really is how you know it's love. Personally, we need to be married with three kids before I bestow that honor on you. The only person who's earned it so far is my mom, and that's because I figure when I take up space in your womb for nine months, I should probably not be stingy about my yard bird with you.

The hands we've all been seeing in the carefully composed pics that revealed nothing about who they're dating finally come with a face and a name (and a link to their Facebook profile). So we all click through to see more about Boo-thang. Aaawwww, they're FAHN/cute/okay-looking/will have to do I guess.

Now, with this “In a Relationship” thing established, they must tell us about everything their boo said in that conversation that made them laugh so much because he/she/they is the funniest person ever. And aren't they so great and witty? And everyone hits a pity “like” just so the Bleeding Heart gets some sort of response and their status isn't left in some awkward silence.

Stage 3.5: Couple albums

Secure in their relationship (status), the Bleeding Heart now starts creating entire Facebook albums dedicated to Bae. We see the visual evolution of their relationship in the form of so many sappy pictorials. We see clearer pics of that first date (because you recognize the alphet you helped them pick). There they are on the Ferris wheel with their head on Bae's shoulder. But you wonder who the hell took the photo, because all hands are visible in the picture. Do they go on dates with a photographer? How do you have so many intimate pictures in these weird spaces together and neither of you took them? Or are they asking strangers? Surely they must have asked the waitress to take the picture of them both drinking from the same giant margarita glass.

They basically create a virtual exhibition titled “Us: The Relationship,” and everyone is invited to their constantly updated art show. At this point, I'm usually emotionally invested in the characters in this telenovela, and I'm rooting for them. I know this is only the first installment in the series, but I'm hoping this is the one where they finally get their Happily Ever After because they have touted this person as the “love of my life.”

Stage 4: Trouble in paradise

Eventually, the lovey-dovey statuses start popping up less frequently as the luster of new love starts to wear off and the honeymoon phase ends. All of a sudden, the Bleeding Heart starts posting passive-aggressive statuses about loving and not being loved in return, or about people who don't deserve to be trusted. There might be some vague shots about people who make you fall without planning on catching you. There might be something about exes who don't know their place. Those of us who are watching this movie start picking up what they're dropping. All is not well in Bae-land.

If the shit is legit about to hit the fan, Bae responds to one of their shady statuses with something snarky. This is when I scoot my chair closer to the computer and start making calls. “Girl, did you just see that? Are they fighting? I think they are!” And me and my BFF start getting our Sherlock Homegirl on, putting two and two together to figure out when things started going awry. We can plot the precise point where things took a turn for the worse. It is sometime between their last “I LOVE YOU, BOO OF LIFE” status and this miffed state they're in. We go back through the photos for visual evidence, too. If only I used my powers of investigation and deductive reasoning for good, instead of in petty situations that have nothing to do with me.

Even though I'm keeping my wits sharp by conducting such in-depth analysis of the state of their relationship, I am wondering why the Bleeding Heart is choosing to handle their conflict on this main stage. Why do they need to post this stuff to a thousand of their non-closest acquaintances?

Stage 5: The breakup

Well, things start getting bad when the Bleeding Heart removes Bae's name from their relationship status so it just says “In a Relationship” and the “with Bae S. Bae” part is gone. Then, it becomes “It's Complicated.” What that means is “I'm basically single, but I don't want to announce that yet because I'm hoping we can work things out. Things are just really hard right now, and I don't know where we stand, but I'm pretty sure we're done.” It's really only complicated to them, though, because odds are Bae has already called an ex. Basically, you're in a relationship by yourself at this point. I call it a “love monologue” because y'all don't go together anymore but only one of you realizes it. Sad. It's also important to point out that no one over the age of “good and grown”—i.e., twenty-one—should ever consider “It's Complicated” as a relationship status for Facebook. Scratch that. I'll make it twenty-five, because I'm feeling generous.

This is when me and my BFF congratulate ourselves on such a thorough investigation. We're the relationship version of Miss Cleo. Oh, gosh, you don't know who that is, do you? She was this fake Jamaican psychic who used to do infomercials. Ugh, never mind. You're too young/too far in the future to remember. Google her, though. And cackle.

Stage 5.5: Facebook officially done

The five albums of couples pictures posted between February and July disappear in a flourish one day. Then, finally, the Bleeding Heart changes their relationship status to “Single,” and Facebook informs everyone of this fact with a broken heart in their news feeds. This usually happens after they've dealt with the acute hit to the ego. You can almost hear the sad trombone, because this was the relationship they were hoping would lead to a trip to Jared's. People immediately comment with their condolences and sorrys. “OMG, are you okay?!” Their name might as well be Annie, and they've been struck by a smooth criminal. Of course they aren't okay!

There are always the people who are tone-deaf enough to ask “What happened?” How is that appropriate? If you don't know what happened, odds are you don't need to know. Some will even offer up their ears for support. “I'm sorry to hear this. Let me know if you need someone to vent to.” Ma'ams and sirs, if you're finding out someone's relationship ended from a Facebook status change, you're probably not the friend they want to cry to in this time of need. Play your position, acquaintance. You're supposed to be on the bench, and you think you're the starting point guard.

Some friends will comment about how they just knew that boo was not right for the Bleeding Heart. Comments like “Don't worry! You were too good for that joker anyway!” will fly. Those friends usually end their attempt at comforting words with some cliché quote about other fish in the sea and how love is all around them. Thanks for nothing, NOPRAH! What if they get back together? What then? Do you take back what you said? Maybe what you need to do is drink a cold glass of HUSH. You shoulda just lurked like the rest of us did. Who asked you?

Then the best friend pops in to reassure us that all will be well, and like they told their bestie in that two-hour conversation post-breakup, this was all part of a bigger plan and with everything comes a lesson. Because you know BFF must let everyone know they knew about the breakup before it became official on Facebook.

If we're lucky, the Bleeding Heart will proceed to go through the heartbreak publicly, and they will spill the tea on what happened. If they're especially petty, they will tag ex-Boo in an angry Facebook status, telling us why their ex ain't shit, and I will wonder if they've forgotten that the person who is now terrible was just their partner. Doesn't that call into question your ability to make sound judgments? Bless it.

In spite of all this drama, sometimes the Bleeding Heart makes up with Bae and goes back to Stage 2. We side-eye them from afar because that didn't last long, and all their theatrics were for what? Now we know they're just “that couple” who will do the on-and-off thing. They're like a relationship yo-yo: up and down.

Other times they are truly done with that boo, and they eventually restart Stage 1 with a new person. You're there to eat it all up because you already know they will keep you updated. You order a new tin of cheese-and-caramel popcorn (shout-out to the Chicago mix!) and you get ready for another round of “Why Don't You Love Me?” Bless their achy breaky hearts for perpetually publicly failing in their private lives. As if getting your heart dropkicked through the goalposts of life isn't bad enough by itself. Doing it with an audience has to be extra shitty—but you're the one who created this movie and bought everyone a ticket.

And then I'm left wondering what they're gonna do with that neck tattoo they got of Bae's name. Will they cover it up with a rose or the face of a cat? I will stay tuned, because they'll be sure to post a selfie from the tattoo shop.

One day, the Bleeding Heart might get married, and since we've already seen them go through the Facebook relationship cycle so often, we are all genuinely happy that they made it to the Love Promised Land. On the way to that destination, they updated their statuses more often than Facebook pushes out their mobile app updates. It's been a long road, but here they are. They will create an official Facebook event for their wedding, with details about the reception. They'll even make sure they message their favorite Facebook friends asking if they got the invitation and if they will be attending. Because why not turn your special day into an occasion for you to meet people you've been eFriends with for a while but whose phone number you don't have? I mean, these eFriends have been with the Bleeding Heart through five very public relationships and breakups, so why not pay $150 a plate to feed these strangers at the reception they insisted on making too big even though they know good and damb well they cannot afford it. They will change their Facebook status to “Married” the moment after they say “I DO,” and you want to offer them some Sprite since they obeyed their thirst so properly. They couldn't even wait and enjoy their ENTIRE wedding day to make that change. But good for them.