I'm Not Gonna Lie (18 page)

To entertain myself, I'd put on my glove, sit on the couch, which faced the hallway and the closet, and throw a rubber ball against the closet door. It would bounce back to me on the fly. I'd catch it, throw it back, bounce it off, catch it, throw it back, bounce it, catch it, throw it back. For hours. I'd never leave the couch. If I got into a rhythm, I wouldn't even have to change position. I'd barely have to move. Occasionally my grandfather would walk by and I'd nail him in the head. I'd be so focused I wouldn't see him.

Thwap
.

“Ow!”

“Sorry.”

“How many times do I have to tell you? Don't play ball in the house! You're gonna take out an eye.”

“Sorry.”

But he just shook his head, tossed the ball back to me, kept walking, and I kept playing. . . .

Throw, bounce, catch, throw, bounce, catch . . .

I don't think you could get a kid to even put on a baseball glove today, unless it was a controller and he was waving it at the Wii or PlayStation.

I see parents scheduling their kids all the time, filling up every second of their free time. I don't mean just for summers, but for spring break, too. They send their kids to exotic places all over the world for a week. The parents spend hours on the computer looking for one-week camps, or tours, or internships in places like Hawaii.

We didn't go anywhere. If it got hot, I'd go swimming, which I hated, because I didn't have swimming trunks. I swam in cutoffs. There is nothing worse than when you jump in the pool and just before you hit the water you realize your wallet's in your back pocket and—

Spplassssh
.

Yes, a lot of kids are spoiled.

I remember when I was a kid playing in the backyard on hot summer days. As the day wore on, I started anticipating the arrival of the ice-cream man. I lived for the ice-cream man. Hearing the sound of that jingle coming down the street made my whole day. But you had to keep your ears open and not get distracted, because you might miss him.

I'd be in the backyard playing ball or something and I'd hear the jingle of the ice-cream truck in the distance, and I'd stop whatever I was doing.

“It's him! Oh, wait, nah, that's not him.
Okay, where were we? How many strikes on you? What's the count? Wait! That is him!”

I'd throw down my glove and ball and race out of the backyard. I'd pull up the latch on the gate and—

Nooo!

The latch was stuck!

The gate was jammed. It wouldn't open.

I pulled on the gate with everything I had. I kicked it, yanked it with both hands; it went
thump
; it went
crrrra
; it creaked, scraped, and finally it opened.

I ran out of the backyard to the front of the house, just in time—

To see the back of the ice-cream truck disappearing around the corner.

I'd missed him.

He didn't come every day. If this was Friday, he might not come again until Monday or Tuesday, or maybe he'd blow off our whole street because
the kid who usually buys ice cream didn't show up.

Yes, I really liked the idea of living in our old house, my grandmother's house. She left it to me. She's been gone now for almost thirteen years.

It's funny: When you turn fifty, you start thinking about things you haven't thought about in years. Moments come rushing back and you start remembering.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my grandmother.

When I first started my TV show, I'd go to her house Saturday mornings and she would cook for me. I would sit at the dining room table and read the paper. She'd go into the kitchen and make tortillas, and then she'd cook up some eggs and fry some potatoes and add in some chorizo. She'd put the eggs, potatoes, and chorizo inside a tortilla, fold it up like a napkin, lay a couple on a plate, and bring it to me. She'd sit with me and watch me eat. We wouldn't say anything. When I was almost done, she'd say, “You need any more?”

“Two more,” I'd say.

She'd go back into the kitchen and in a little while she'd come back with two more tortillas on my plate. She'd sit down again as I ate them, and after a while she'd ask me, “You need any more?”

“Yeah, just two more,” I'd say, and she'd get up again, and then she would get this look on her face, a look of nothing but pure
joy
, and she would go into the kitchen again and in a little while bring out two more tortillas.

We spent every Saturday morning like that, the two of us, just being together. We didn't say much. We didn't have to. We just . . . were. I didn't realize then how special that time was. You don't realize how special something is until it's gone.

I'm not gonna lie: Turning fifty was rough. But at least I made it. And one thing I've learned: Don't look back. Look ahead. And I am. I'm looking forward to moving on with my life and even turning . . .
sixty
? Are you kidding me?

That sounds
really
old. But you know what? I know a lot of people who've turned sixty and are doing all right. Dr. Phil, for one. He's going stronger than ever. He said that when he turned sixty he realized that three-quarters of his life was probably over, so he decided that he might as well celebrate and have fun. So if there's something you want to do, you'd better get off your ass and do it.

And how about Liam Neeson?

This guy turned sixty and became the number one action hero in the movies. At
sixty.

That gives me hope.

No, I don't want to become an action hero like Liam Neeson. When I'm sixty, I hope I'm chilling on my couch, watching Liam Neeson on my big-screen TV running around saving his great-grandkids in
Taken 13.
And I'll really enjoy myself because when I'm sixty, he and Dr. Phil will be
seventy
.

But for now, at fifty, I've learned to live in the moment and to enjoy the little things, such as:

• My pantry, which is stocked with everything I like to eat, including a freezer filled with every kind of ice cream I never got to have as a kid, especially when the ice-cream truck passed me by. I think I'll eat a Drumstick or two right now, and I don't care that it's midnight. Actually, I shouldn't have ice cream at all, because when I turned fifty, I became lactose intolerant.
  
• My new bathtub with the Jacuzzi spray and a side door that opens like a car. I
  walk
  in, take my Jacuzzi, and
  walk
  out. Don't tell RJ.
  
• My size thirty-six jeans. I'm not gonna lie: I can't fit into a size thirty-four, so why kill myself trying? This way, if I overindulge a little, so what? I've allowed plenty of leeway in the waist.
  
• My size thirty-eight jeans. In case I was lying about the thirty-sixes.
  
• Spanx body shapers for men. The greatest invention ever for guys my age, except for maybe the walk-in bathtub.
  
• My cozy flannel pajamas, my fluffy bathrobe, my compression socks, my new large-print edition smartphone . . .
  

You know what?

Forget the little things. They're starting to piss me off.

I'm fifty and I'm still here and I'm starting to love it.

You should, too.

Love who you are, where you are, and how old you are.

That's all I got . . .

AND THAT'S THE TRUTH.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

So many people provided wisdom, knowledge, and support during the process of writing this book. I thank you all. In particular, I owe a debt of gratitude to—

Everyone at Penguin Group and Celebra, especially Raymond Garcia, our brilliant and persistent publisher, and Jennifer Schuster, our wonderful editor.

My entertainment and literary agents and management team, who always have my back: Steve Smooke, Christy Haubegger, Nick Nuciforo, Dave Bugliari, Kevin Huvane, Rob Light, Christian Carino, Michael Rotenberg, Richard Abate, Lester Knispel, Rob Marcus, and Inna Shagal.

Ina Treciokas and Charlene Young, my PR mavens at Slate; Linda Small, who runs the Lopez Foundation; and Leslie Kolins-Small, who helms my production company.

Jim Paratore, my confidant and my brother, who passed away on May 29, 2012.

Dr. George Fischmann, my primary care physician, who keeps me going, especially now that I'm over fifty.

The entire staff at Chateau Marmont, who took care of us and allowed us to hang out for hours during the writing of the book.

My home team, Clarice Amato, Edith Molina, Miguel Meneses, and Carolina Alvarez. You guys are the best.

My close circle of friends, who make me laugh and keep me sane, including my tour manager and buddy, RJ Jaramillo, Bryan Kellen, Ernie Arellano, Arnold Veloz, Anthony Anderson, Don Cheadle, Sandra Bullock, Carlos Santana, Arsenio Hall, Lee Trevino, Eva Longoria, and Jennifer Pryor.

A very special thank-you to Alan Eisenstock. Without him, this book could not have been possible.

Finally, I want to honor the memory of three very special people who continue to inspire me: Freddie Prinze, Richard Pryor, and my grandmother, Benne Gutierrez.