I'm Not the Biggest Bitch in This Relationship (23 page)

Multiple #1
New York Times
bestselling author Jill Conner Browne, THE Sweet Potato Queen™, has created a global phenomenon—six thousand chapter groups in twenty-two countries—based upon her philosophy and worldview as recounted through her rollicking, raucous, and riotously funny essays. Women and smart men understand that the bawdy, sassy, down-to-earth humor is simply the vehicle by which the greater message is conveyed—that is, one of self-reliance and empowerment, inspiring all to do what makes their hearts sing. For more, visit
www.sweetpotatoqueens.com/
. Jill supports the Animal Rescue Fund of Mississippi (
www.arfms.com
); ARF was founded by one of Jill's actual Sweet Potato Queens®, “Pippa” Jackson, who wears the official SPQ outfit and rides on Jill's float in the annual parade.

Rita Mae Brown is the
New York Times
bestselling author of the Mrs. Murphy mystery series (which she writes with her tiger cat, Sneaky Pie) and the Sister Jane novels, as well as
Rubyfruit Jungle
,
In Her Day
,
Six of One
,
The Sand Castle
, and the memoirs
Animal Magnetism
and
Rita Will
. An Emmy-nominated screenwriter and a poet, Brown lives in Afton, Virginia, with cats, hounds, horses, and big red foxes. For more, visit
www.ritamaebrown.com
. Rita Mae founded the Almost Home Pet Adoption Center, a no-kill shelter in Virginia (
www.nelsonspca.org/
).

W. Bruce Cameron is an internationally syndicated humor columnist who has twice been voted Best Humor Columnist by the National Society of Newspaper Columnists and has won the Robert Benchley award for humor. In June 2011 he was voted Columnist of the Year at the National Columnist convention in Detroit. His book
8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter
was developed into the TV series
8 Simple Rules
, starring the late John Ritter. His most recent novel,
A Dog's Purpose
, was a
New York Times
bestselling book, a
USA Today
bestseller, and a
Los Angeles Times
best-seller.
A Dog's Purpose
is being developed as a motion picture by DreamWorks. His new novel,
Emory's Gift
, was published in August by Forge. For more, visit
www.brucecameron.com
. Bruce supports the Life Is Better Rescue, an animal rescue charity (lifeisbetterrescue.org).

Caprice Crane is the internationally bestselling author of four novels and a writer for both television and screen. Her newest novel,
With a Little Luck
, hit shelves in the summer of 2011, well timed with the release of her first feature film,
Love Wedding Marriage
, starring Mandy Moore and Kellan Lutz. Her recent past included staff positions writing for hit TV shows, such as
90210
(2.0) and the revamped
Melrose Place
. Crane currently divides her time between New York and Los Angeles, depending on the mood of her dog, Max. Her Web site is
www.capricecrane.com
. Caprice supports the Toby Project (
www.tobyproject.org/
).

Jenny Gardiner is the author of the award-winning novel
Sleeping with Ward Cleaver
,
Winging It: A Memoir of Caring for a Vengeful Parrot Who's Determined to Kill Me
,
Slim to None
and
Over the Falls
. Her work has been found in
Ladies' Home Journal
, in the
Washington Post
, and on NPR's
Day to Day
. She and her family live in Virginia with a slew of pets that rule the roost. Visit her at her Web site,
www.jennygardiner.net
. Jenny supports the Charlottesville-Albemarle SPCA, a no-kill shelter (
www.caspca.org/
).

Jane Green Warburg is the author of twelve novels, including the bestselling
Jemima J.
,
The Beach House
, and
Promises to Keep
. A former journalist, she writes a daily blog at
www.janegreen.comand
contributes to various publications, including the
Sunday Times
,
Huffington Post
,
Wowowow.com
, and
Self
. A foodie and passionate cook, she lives in Connecticut with her husband, six children, and more animals than she can really handle. Jane supports the Connecticut Humane Society (
www.cthumane.org
).

The actress and writer Annabelle Gurwitch's most recent book,
You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up: A Love Story
, published by Crown in 2010, is a comedic memoir cowritten with her Emmy Award–winning comedy writer husband, Jeff Kahn. Her first book,
Fired: Tales of the Canned, Canceled, Downsized and Dismissed
, is a comedic look at being made redundant. Her acting credits include
Dinner and a Movie
and
Seinfeld
; she was a commentator for numerous years on NPR; her essays also appear in the anthologies
Note to Self
and
Rejected!
Failure and humiliation seem to be her oeuvre. For more, visit
www.annabellegurwitch.com
. Annabelle supports Tails of Joy! (
www.tailsofjoy.net/
).

I'm Chelsea Handler's dog. Follow me on Twitter (
twitter.com/chunkhandler
) or Facebook, or at my mom's Web site,
www.chelseahandler.com
. I was adopted from the West Los Angeles Animal Shelter.

Beth Harbison is the
New York Times
bestselling author of
Shoe Addicts Anonymous
,
Hope in a Jar
, and
Always Something There to Remind Me
. She is a dog lover from way back, though she usually likes one of her dogs better than the other. Fortunately, it's usually the one everyone else likes less. She lives near Washington, D.C., in a house that looks like the one in
Lady and the Tramp
. More info can be found about her at BethHarbison.com. Beth supports PetConnect (petconnectrescue.org).

Beth Kendrick is the author of
The Bake-Off
,
Second Time Around
, and five other novels. She has a Ph.D. in psychology, which in no way prepared her to match wits with a terrier. She lives with her family in Arizona, where her husband has blocked her computer access to
Petfinder.com
. For more information, please visit her Web site at
www.BethKendrick.com
. Beth supports Tucson Cold Wet Noses (
www.tucsoncoldwetnoses.com
).

The internationally acclaimed author of the memoirs
Straight Up and Dirty
and
Moose: A Memoir of Fat Camp
, Klein (stephanieklein .com) is one of the Internet's most popular icons. While currently developing her work for TV and film, she's completing her latest memoir,
When the Cookie Crumbles
, about how her downright grueling experiences as a leader in the Girl Scouts of the USA have saved her marriage, friendships, and life. Stephanie supports Austin Pets Alive! (
www.austinpetsalive.org
).

Jen Lancaster is the
New York Times
bestselling author of
If You Were Here
;
My Fair Lazy
;
Pretty in Plaid
;
Such a Pretty Fat
;
Bright Lights, Big Ass
; and
Bitter Is the New Black
. A nationally syndicated monthly columnist for Tribune Media Services' Humor Hotel, she lives in Chicago. Visit her blog at
www.jennsylvania.com
. Jen supports Save-A-Pet (
www.saveapetil.org/index.php
).

Allie Larkin lives in Rochester, New York, with her husband, Jeremy, their two German shepherds, Argo and Stella, and a three-legged cat. She is the cofounder of
TheGreenists.com
, a site dedicated to helping readers take simple steps toward going green, and blogs at
AllieLarkinWrites.com
. Her first novel,
Stay
(published by Dutton in 2010), is about love, friendship, and a German shepherd named Joe. Allie supports Wooftown Rescue, Inc. (
http://www.wooftowndoggydaycare.com/adopt_a_dog
).

Alec Mapa is an internationally beloved actor and comedian. Alec has had starring roles on
Desperate Housewives
and
Ugly Betty
and has appeared in the films
You Don't Mess With the Zohan
,
Marley and Me
, and
Connie and Carla
. He is the host of the daily syndicated talk show
Gossip Queens
, and lives in Los Angeles with his husband, Jamie, their son, Zion, and two dogs, Ozzy and Sweet Pea. For more, please visit
www.alecmapa.com
. Alec supports the North Central Los Angeles Shelter, “The best place in LA to meet a new friend!” (
www.laanimalservices.com/nc_carecenter.htm
).

Jeff Marx is an ex-lawyer who cocreated and cowrote the music and lyrics for the Tony Award–winning hit Broadway musical
Avenue Q
. Jeff supports Los Angeles Animal Services (
www.laanimalservices.com/
).

Laurie Notaro is the author of a bunch of
New York Times
bestselling books, including
The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club
and
Spooky Little Girl
, and met Maeby at the local dog pound. They live in Eugene, Oregon, where Maeby hogs the bed and freely farts. Maeby is currently at work on a riveting screenplay about her experiences protecting her kingdom from noisy yet unseen things in the alley. For more, visit
www.laurienotaro.com
. Laurie supports Greenhill Humane Society, a no-kill shelter (
www.green-hill.org/
).

Sarah Pekkanen is the author of the hit novels
The Opposite of Me
, which has been translated into five languages, and
Skipping a Beat
, which was published in February 2011 by Washington Square Press, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc. Sarah is an award-winning former journalist whose work has appeared on NPR's
All Things Considered
and in publications including
People
magazine and the
Washington Post
. She lives in Chevy Chase, Maryland, with her husband, three young sons, and rescue Lab Bella. Please visit her Web site at
www.sarahpekkanen.com
or find her on Facebook. And for the Web site that introduced Bella to Sarah, visit
www.lab-rescue.com
.

The comedian and writer Eddie Sarfaty has appeared on the
Today
show, Comedy Central's
Premium Blend
, and Logo's
Wisecrack
, and is a subject of the documentary
Laughing Matters
. He is the author of a book of humorous essays entitled
Mental: Funny in the Head
(Kensington, 2009), and is on the faculty of the Theatre Lab in Washington, D.C., and New York University, where he teaches courses in stand-up and comedy writing. Eddie can be found online at
www.KeepLaughing.com
. Eddie supports Guide Dogs for the Blind (
www.guidedogs.com
).

Bob Smith is the author of the bestselling humorous memoirs
Openly Bob
(winner of a Lambda Literary Award) and
Way to Go, Smith
. His first novel,
Selfish and Perverse
, was one of three nominees for the Edmund White Award for Debut Fiction, and his most recent book is the novel
Remembrance of Things I Forgot
. As a stand-up comic, he broke barriers as the first openly gay comedian to appear on the
Tonight Show
and was featured in his own HBO comedy special. His comic essays and articles have appeared in the
Advocate
and
Out
. He grew up in Buffalo, New York, and lives in New York City. For more, visit
www.literati.net/Smith
or e-mail Bob at [email protected]. Bob supports Broadway Barks (
www.broadwaybarks.com
).

A Note from the Editor

My life, like most of you reading this anthology, has been defined by dogs. I've had six dogs in my life, and each was as different from the other as a brother from a sister. But all had this in common: All were rescues who loved me unconditionally, and taught me to love and laugh without limit.

My mother was a lifelong nurse, who—in her retirement—became a hospice nurse. Her entire life was spent caring for others, nurturing not only their health but also their spirit. That included animals in our rural Ozarks town: cats and dogs who were routinely abandoned, abused and dumped along dirt roads, or in our woods. She tried to save every single one, using heavy doses of her medical skills, prayers, kindness and belief that one person's darkness could be overcome with light.

To my mom's credit, her light (and will) shined strongly enough to win many times. And, often, those strays became beloved members of the Rouse House. For instance: “Rouse's Rabbit Racer”—“Racer,” for short—a rescued beaten beagle who became my best friend as a kid, sleeping on my pillow and sitting on the front of my inner tube, like a giant hood ornament, as we floated in the creek. Other times, my mom would take these animals to the local humane society or rescue shelter, and bug her friends, coworkers and county folk until they took that pet home.

There were, of course, times when it was too late. And those times haunted my mother. She believed deeply in the work of certain organizations—like hospice and The Humane Society of the United States (HSUS)—and gave generously to them. Working on behalf of those in need, on behalf of those who could not defend or help themselves, meant the world to her.

My entire life, as you can see, is the inspiration behind
I'm Not the Biggest Bitch in This Relationship.
And my mother's work is the reason I plan to direct a portion of my proceeds from this book to The Humane Society of the United States.