I'm with You (5 page)

“Harder Cutter, right there. Go faster.” I blink, I
— no he can’t be here. Harlan is standing in the corner of my room, with a sad expression on his face. The darkness wraps around my throat and I let out a scream before it sucks me into the void.

**

“Come on wake up. I was just about to put you in the shower. You alright, you passed out on me after I asked if you were a virgin.”

“So we didn’t?”

He shakes his red stained cheeks at me. I am beyond mortified. I’m not sure what is real and what is a dream. Did I just dream Cutter was about to fuck me? Or was he really about to do it?

“So what happened exactly,”
I sit up finding myself on my couch.

“You um, well
you kissed me, we started to fool around and then you just fainted. You really freaked me out. You sort of screamed in my face like I was about to attack you.”

“I’m okay.” I push my knees to my chest and hug them close. “Maybe we should just start over tomorrow and pretend today never even took place. I will work on my list like I promised. Today just isn’t a good day. It’s the anniversary of Harlan’s death. I think I would really like to be alone.”
I look everywhere but at him, I am so embarrassed, I probably won’t see him again after this. Why would he come back for more of my crazy show—maybe for free entertainment?

“I feel bad leaving you alone, but today has been strange. I am only three doors down,
apartment 3C. I will be home all night so just knock, okay.”

“You don’t even know me, why do you even care?”

“Let’s just say I once knew someone who wanted to die — I feel an undeniable attraction to you. I don’t know how or why, but I was meant to find you Bella. When I first saw you something told me to follow you. I just knew that for whatever reason you needed me, and I wanted to be with you. Have you ever had the feeling that you just had to do something? When I saw you leaving the diner it was like my feet were in control and before I knew it I was sitting on the bus feeling the urge to protect you, to do whatever it takes to make you mine.”

“Yes, on the bridge at the falls, I had an overwhelming feeling, telling me to take
the deal with you — to shake your hand. And I am glad you were there — I am glad you were there with me. I promise you I will see you tomorrow okay?” I look at him for an answer because I am sure he is going to say goodbye before we have really even had a hello.

Cutter walks into the kitchen and takes his clothes from the dryer.
He squeezes my knee, and leaves. I have to admit watching him walk out my door is a pleasant sight to behold; he really has a nice ass. An ass I could get used to looking at, if I planned on being around long enough to admire it.

I go to the bathroom and untangle my hair with my brush. I wash my face, I feel all dirty from the rain and from almost getting physical with my hotter than balls neighbor...

Today was one mind trip. This morning when I woke I planned on it being my last day. And now I am entered into a twisted deal with a stranger. But what a handsome stranger he is, but I shouldn’t be thinking thoughts like these when Harlan is waiting for me. I know where I need to go. I slip my chucks on and grab my umbrella
just incase the rain picks back up.

I make the three block walk to the town cemetery. Harlan is buried here somewhere, I haven’t been here before
— to his grave, but I need to talk to him. I don’t trust myself at the falls.

I walk through the rows of the dead and
wilted flowers. I am slightly thankful that I’m not here, well not yet anyways. His grave is easy to spot, it is the one adorned in fresh flowers. There is a picture of him in his football jersey etched on the headstone. I trace my fingers over the letters of his name. Harlan Jones Rivers, born July 19, 1991, died August 12, 2012 — Loving Son and Brother. I lay my head down on his grassy knoll, as my tears start to fall, seeing his grave really makes the fact that he is gone and never coming back real.

“Damn you Harlan, why did you have to listen to me? I just need to you to tell me its okay. I’m sorry; I really want to be with you
— I do. But something has happened. I met a boy, well more like a man today and for the first time since you left, he made me feel alive.” I squeeze my fingers against my temple willing him to answer me.

“What do I do Harlan, I miss you, and I wanted so badly for us to be reunited, but
now I made a deal with this guy. His name is Cutter, he wants me to make a list of everything I want to do before I die. He said if I complete my list in a year’s time — that then he will let me do what I set out to do today. Talk to me Harlan!” I pound my fist against the ground.

Why won’t he answer me —
he calls to me all of the time? “Did you give up on me Harlan? Are you angry with me? I saw you watching me with him. Why were you there, what do you want from me?”

I feel a firm hand on my back. “I had a feeling you’d be here. Your Gram called me and said you canceled dinner on her yesterday, she is worried about you. I know this day is hard for you. How long have you been off of your medication?” Of cou
rse Gram called Dr. Peters; I sigh and get up from the dirt and grass. I brush the grass from my dampened knees but it is of no use.

“I take it daily.”
I lie to him through gritted teeth.

“Bella you don’t fool me. How long have you been hearing Harlan speaking to you?” When I don’t answer he continues speaking. “I don’t want to take you in, I know classes start soon. I want to see you succeed, but you have to take your medication Bella. It isn’t negotiable. Have you been having the hallucinations again?”

There isn’t much point in lying to him. He will just keep pressing and pushing me until he hears what he wants fly from my lips — the truth.

“Alright you caught me, I have been off my meds for two months, and I feel fine.
” I throw my hands up in defeat. “I’m not crazy Doc, I just miss him. Is it so wrong that I want to hear his voice so much that it hurts? There is an ache in my chest for him. It is like a tumor growing stronger and wider. It spreads through my veins like poison. Is that descriptive enough for you? There — do I feel enough for you, go write that down in your notebook for your file on me.”

I jab him in the chest with my finger. “
Do you know how much it hurts — to ache so deep that the darkness consumes you and fills you with a black poison — poison that has embedded itself so far into my heart that I have to bleed it out, to make it stop. Some days I want to pray to God to make the pain stop, to take me from this hell on earth that is my life. But I gave up on him answering my prayers long ago. Besides I deserve to ache, to suffer, to wallow in my misery.”

“That’s the most honest you have been since you started coming to see me. I think you are making progress, but I want you to promise me that you will go home and take your medication. Do not make me regret not taking you in. As your care provider it is my responsibility to look after you.”

“I get it Doc don’t worry. I promise — I will take my meds.”

“You better; this is your one get out of jail free card.”

I decide to go see my Gram after talking with my doctor my guilt kicks in. I don’t want her worrying herself about me and losing sleep. I take the long way there and enjoy the fresh air. 

I look at my Gram; I mean really look at her for the first time in what seems like years. She was nearly sixty years old when she took custody of me but her hair was dark then. Now she wears her hair a blue/silver shade. Her face carries more wrinkles, she calls them wisdom lines. She looks tired, and I feel like I have worn her down. I mean I know that she is old, but I feel like I am to blame for her extra wisdom lines.

She appears so relieved to see me. I know I shouldn’t cause her to worry so much, but I can’t help it. It is hard to care about the feelings of others when you don’t care about much of anything.

**

I awake to a loud pounding on my apartment door the next morning. I rub the sleep from my eyes and let out a yawn. I steal a glance at the clock, it is nearly
noon. This is another reason I hate the medication I am supposed to be on, it fucks with me and makes me sleep like the dead. And it happens to make me feel like shit on dry toast.

“Alright I am coming,
hold your horses.” I yell to whomever is about to get it for beating my door down.

I unlock the deadbolt and swing the door open to find Cutter waiting on the other side.

“Hi my name is Cutter — I recently moved into the building and wanted to introduce myself. I live a few doors down from you.” I can’t help but laugh at the serious look he has on his handsome face.

“You are lucky you just made me giggle, you were about to get a dose of my inner bitch unleashed.”
I have to admit I am both surprised he came back and happy to see him.

“Sounds
— kinky.” He smirks shoving his way past me with coffee in his hands.

“Come on in, please be my guest,” I kick the door shut. “
Well you get bonus points for the coffee; this is a beautiful start to our friendship.”

“Ah so we have graduated to friends, next comes intimate buddies.”

“Lame, really — intimate buddies. You really pulled out the big guns for that one.”

He chuckles and blows over his coffee before taking a drink. “Get ready we have to get started on your list.”

“The list — right. I haven’t written it yet.” I bat my lashes innocently at him and have a drink of my coffee.

“This is delicious what is it?”
I have never had a coffee this good before, it must be laced with his ‘vampire like lust oozing pheromones.’ I had better not drink it, but it is too good to stop. I am not addicted to his coffee after three sips, I am not an addict, and I can stop anytime I want. Okay who am I kidding, this is some good shit.

“It’s p
umpkin spice, with a hint of vanilla and my special ingredient. It’s my special brew.” He gives me a cat that swallowed the goldfish grin.

Special ingredient my ass, I knew it — he laced it with something, so he can get me addicted to some kind of drug so he can get me to do whatever he wishes so I can get my fix once he has me hooked. My own personal crack —coffee dealer.

“Awe is this your way of saying you think I am special.”

Cutter chokes on his coffee, and sputters out “lick the windows special.”

“I am wounded,” I clutch my chest in a dramatic fashion.

I excuse myself to the bathroom. I brace my hands on the white Formica sink. I exhale a deep breath. Flirting with Cutter is too easy. Why do I feel like I have always known him? A lump forms in my throat. I take my medication from the cabinet and get two pills out. I toss them down my throat and cup water in my hand to wash them down with. I scrub my face, I feel like hell. Like I am hung-over. It will take sometime to adjust to the medication again.

I brush my teeth and run a brush through my hair. I secure my hair with a head band and spray some hair-spray over my head for extra hold. I apply my favorite banana scented lip gloss. I let out a whoosh and prepare myself to write out my bucket list. I laugh to myself and picture Cutter and me checking off my list like it is a school science project and he is my ultra sexy lab partner. I put some deodorant on and change into my cutoffs and my black and white stripped tank top.

I peek down the hall at Cutter and he is sitting patiently on my sofa. He looks nice today, dressed in a plain black t-shirt and holey jeans with the knees ripped out. The top of his hair is long enough to be slightly spiked in a messy just rolled out of bed, but damn sexy way
like he spent the night rocking someone’s world. Looking down at his feet a smile spreads across my face, he is wearing riding boots.

“You have a bike?”
I ask curiously as I take a bite from my banana nut bread, if I don’t eat something my medication will destroy my stomach.

“Oh yeah
,” he runs his fingers though his hair nonchalantly. “Why do you ask?”

“Your boots, I want you to take me for a ride.
Can I drive it?”

He gives me an all knowing sly grin. “Your wish is my command, but be careful what you wish for. My one desire is to make your dreams come true.
Except for driving, at least not today — I like my bike and well I have seen you on your bicycle, and well to be honest you sense of direction scares me.”

“Wow does that make all the girls panties drop?”
I notice he is taking in my appearance and appreciating what he sees. It gives me a little more bounce in my step. He makes me feel like a woman, a desired woman.

“No usually the bike does all of the work for me.”
He continues to sip his coffee oblivious to the effect he has on me, he has a smile that stuns you.

“Oh confident are you?”
I tease him, again I am flirting.

“Yep I had my
Wheaties
this morning.”

“You are quite the smart ass, but I like it. It becomes you.”

“I am quite gifted in many areas, and if you behave I might show you all of my gifts one day.” He winks and puts his sunglasses on. I take it he is ready to roll. I grab my white cat eye shades, and follow him to the elevator after locking my door.