Imaginary Friends (7 page)

MARY
:
[Shaking her cup and saucer.]
You’re just saying that because you can’t stand that he went over to the other side—

LILLIAN
: Good. Keep shaking the cup.

MARY
: You’re just saying that because you’ve never admitted what the Stalinists did in Spain—
[
MARY
continues, overlapping with
LILLIAN
.]

LILLIAN
: I had no idea what was going on. I turned to the president of the school and said—
[Turning to one of the people in the room.]
“Who is that girl?” And he said—

PRESIDENT
: Mary McCarthy.

LILLIAN
: And I said “Oh.” I said, “Oh, the one who married Edmund Wilson for his looks.” And some of the students laughed—the ones who knew what Edmund Wilson looked like—

Many of the students laugh. So does
LILLIAN
.

And she dropped her cup and saucer on the floor—

MARY
: What?

LILLIAN
: And they shattered into a million tiny pieces.

MARY
: Never happened—

LILLIAN
: Go ahead, do it—

MARY
drops the teacup and saucer on the floor, and they break into tiny pieces
.

And Harold Taylor’s maid came rushing in to sweep it up.

MARY
: I knew a black maid would enter the scene.
[To the audience.]
She could never write a play that didn’t have a black maid in it, speaking in the most appalling way—

BLACK MAID
: Lawd, Lawd, Lawd, it ain’t right to let young’uns
use the good china, Mistah Taylor. Ah tol’ you this would happen—

LILLIAN
: Actually, the maid said nothing.

MARY
: Well, had she spoken, that’s the sort of thing you would have had her say.

STEPHEN SPENDER
: I don’t remember any of this. Where was I?

LILLIAN
: You weren’t there, Stephen. We went to your house
afterwards. [To
MARY
.]
You came to pick a fight. Why? Was it because I slept with Philip Rahv?

MARY
: You never slept with Philip Rahv—

LILLIAN
: Fine. Scratch Philip Rahv as a possible explanation. Were you jealous of me?

MARY
:
[Incredulous.]
Jealous? Of what?

LILLIAN
: I know. What can it be? Not my looks, certainly. So: my money? My fame? My farm!? Tell the truth, you always wanted a farm—

MARY
: I am not a jealous person.

LILLIAN
: Nor am I.

MARY
: It’s just too easy to say that the reason women fight with each other is because they’re jealous.

LILLIAN
: Absolutely. We had plenty of reasons to dislike each other. Good reasons.

MARY
: Real reasons. I’m just not a jealous person.

LILLIAN
: Hmmmph.

MARY
: Although I have to say I have never known a jealous person who admitted to being a jealous person.

LILLIAN
: Neither have I.
[They nod. A small moment between them, perhaps.]

STEPHEN SPENDER
:
[Trying to find some common ground.]
So are we in agreement about something?

MARY
: We are.

LILLIAN
: We had a fight.

MARY
: Exactly.

LILLIAN
: And you dined out on it for years—

MARY
:
You
dined out on it for years—

LILLIAN
:
[Imitating
MARY
.]
“I was so young, she thought I was a student”—

MARY
: “They came there to red-bait me”—

LILLIAN
: “Dos”—

MARY
: “Ernest”—

LILLIAN
: Was there ever a moment we could have been friends?

MARY
: Friends? Hard to imagine.

STEPHEN SPENDER
: Ladies! Ladies!

MARY
: We had a fight.

LILLIAN
: A skirmish, really.

MARY
: And the captain of the first U-boat straightened her stockings and drove back to her home.

LILLIAN
: And the captain of the second U-boat straightened her stockings and drove back to her farm. Which
was
a farm.

A woman enters from the wings. This is
MURIEL GARDINER
.

MURIEL GARDINER
: Oh. Am I in the right place?

MARY
: Hello. You’re early. I didn’t expect you for an hour—

MURIEL GARDINER
: I know. I had a cancellation and nowhere else to go, really—

LILLIAN
looks at
MURIEL GARDINER
,
curious
.

LILLIAN
: Who is this person?

MARY
: Have you ever seen her before?

LILLIAN
: Never.

MARY
: This person is the gun over the mantel.

MURIEL GARDINER
: Bang.

MARY
: Not yet.

BLACKOUT
.

CURTAIN
.

MARY
and
LILLIAN
come onstage carrying their dolls and sit on the edge of the stage. Behind them is the fig tree and
MARY
’s
house
.
MARY
begins to sing “Imaginary Friend.”

MARY
:
[To her doll.]

I BELONG TO YOU
YOU BELONG TO ME
YOU PLAY MY FAV’RITE GAMES
NEVER CALL ME NAMES
NEVER DISAGREE
ALL THAT LONELY LONELINESS IS THROUGH
WITH AN IMAGINARY FRIEND
LIKE YOU

LILLIAN
:
[To her doll.]

WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID?
YOU SAY THE SWEETEST THINGS
YOU ALWAYS MAKE ME BLUSH
WITH THE KINDA MUSH
YOUR DEVOTION BRINGS
CLOSE AS “A” WILL ALWAYS BE TO “B”
THAT’S MY IMAGINARY FRIEND
AND ME

LILLIAN AND MARY
:
[To their dolls.]

DANCIN’ WITH MY DOLLY DOWN A COUNTRY LANE
YOU’RE JUST PLAIN TRUE BLUE
SWEETER THAN THE CANDY OF A CANDY CANE
YOU REMAIN
IMAGINARY

MARY
:
[To her doll.]

I BELIEVE IN YOU

LILLIAN
:
[To her doll.]

I BELIEVE IN YOU

MARY
:

YOU BELIEVE IN ME

LILLIAN
:

YOU BELIEVE IN ME
LILLIAN AND MARY:
NICE OF YOU TO COME
YOU’LL BE TWEEDLEDUM
I’LL BE TWEEDLEDEE
WHEN I HAVE A THOUGHT, YOU’LL HAVE IT, TOO
YOU’RE MY IMAGINARY FRIEND
’MAGINARY FRIEND
LET IT NEVER END
LET IT NEVER END
’CAUSE I CAN DEPEND
YES I CAN DEPEND
ON—

DOLLS
:

ON ME
WHEN WE GO OUT AND PLAY

LILLIAN AND MARY
:

WHEN WE GO OUT AND PLAY

DOLLS
:

YOU’RE ALWAYS ON MY SIDE

LILLIAN AND MARY
:

ALWAYS ON MY SIDE

DOLLS
:

YOU NEVER LET ME DOWN
NEVER SIT AND FROWN
NEVER MISS A STRIDE

LILLIAN AND MARY
:

WITH ME STRIDE FOR STRIDE

DOLLS
:

WHAT’S MORE FUN THAN MONKEYS IN THE ZOO
?

LILLIAN AND MARY
:

IT’S AN IMAGINARY FRIEND

ALL FOUR
:

OR TWO
DANCIN’ WITH MY DOLLY DOWN A COUNTRY LANE
CLOUDS AND RAIN WON’T DO

LILLIAN AND MARY
:

WAITIN’ FOR MY DADDY AT THE CHOO-CHOO TRAIN

ALL FOUR
:

WE REMAIN
WE REMAIN
SO VERY MERRY

I BELONG TO YOU
YOU BELONG TO ME
SWEETER THAN A YAM
OR A JAR O’ JAM
AT A JAMBOREE
ICKY-WICKY THOUGHTS GO WICKY WOO
WITH AN IMAGINARY FRIEND
’MAGINARY FRIEND
LET IT NEVER END
LET IT NEVER END
’CAUSE I CAN DEPEND
YES I CAN DEPEND
YES I CAN DEPEND
UPON A FRIEND
IT’LL NEVER END
NOT WITH AN IMAGINARY FRIEND
LIKE YOU

MARY
sits on the porch steps
.
UNCLE MYERS
emerges from the house. He takes out a razor strop and flicks it against the porch railing with a sharp snap
.

UNCLE MYERS
: Mary—

MARY
: Yes, Uncle—

UNCLE MYERS
: I gave your brother a tin butterfly several days ago.

MARY
: I know. From a Cracker Jack box. Will you get me one? Please? I would love one so much.

UNCLE MYERS
: He can’t find it. Have you seen it anywhere?

MARY
: No. So it’s lost?

UNCLE MYERS
: Well, that all depends, doesn’t it.…

UNCLE MYERS
flicks his strop against the railing again. Then he walks into the house. A beat
.
UNCLE MYERS
comes back out of the house with the strop
.

Mary—

MARY
: Yes, Uncle—

UNCLE MYERS
: Are you sure you haven’t seen the butterfly?

MARY
: Of course I’m sure.

The door slams
.
MARY
goes back to reading her book. The door opens
.
UNCLE MYERS
comes back out and stands in the doorway
.

UNCLE MYERS
: Mary—

MARY
: Yes, Uncle.

UNCLE MYERS
: I found the butterfly.

MARY
: Good.

UNCLE MYERS
: Would you like to know where it was?

MARY
: Where was it?

UNCLE MYERS
: It was under your plate. Did you take your brother’s butterfly and hide it under your plate?

MARY
: No.

UNCLE MYERS
: Well, someone took your brother’s butterfly and hid it under your plate—

MARY
: It wasn’t me. Why would I do that?

UNCLE MYERS
: You wanted the butterfly—

MARY
: But why would I take it and put it under my own plate?

MARY
starts to run away, and
UNCLE MYERS
grabs her
.

UNCLE MYERS
: Admit you took it—

MARY
: I will never admit I took it. You can beat me until I’m dead, but I will never admit I took it. Never ever.

She squirms out of his grasp and runs into the house. He runs after her. The door slams behind him. We can’t see them, but we can hear that he’s caught her and has begun to beat her. We can hear her screaming. And now we see
LILLIAN
skipping toward the house. As she comes up the stairs, she hears
MARY
screaming. She stops. She puts her hand up to her ear in a sort of exaggerated listening pose. Then she marches up and bangs on the door
.

LILLIAN
: Hey, what’s going on in there?
[She knocks louder.]
Open up! And stop doing whatever it is you’re doing, or
I’ll call the police and you’ll go to jail for the rest of your life!

The beating continues, and we hear
MARY
screaming in pain
.
LILLIAN
kicks down the door like John Wayne and reaches in for
UNCLE MYERS
.
She hauls him out by his suspenders (it’s an
UNCLE MYERS
doll) and flings him down the porch stairs. She leaps down the stairs after him, takes the strop from his hand, and beats him with it
.

You’re a bad, bad person, Uncle Myers—

She picks him up again and flings him offstage
.
MARY
appears in the doorway
.

Run, Mary, run!

MARY
: Where? Where should I go?
[They look around.]

LILLIAN
: We’ll hide. We’ll hide in this fig tree until we figure out what we’re doing.

The two of them scramble up the fig tree. A beat. The branches open, and we see them now
.

MARY
: I can’t believe you did that.

LILLIAN
: I’m amazingly strong for my age.

MARY
shakes her head in wonderment
.

I saved you.

MARY
: Hey, wait a minute. It was
my
uncle, and
my
house—

LILLIAN
: What are friends for?

MARY
: —and
my
story. And now you’re the queen of it. You’re always doing that!

LILLIAN
: Doing what?

MARY
: You always take over—

LILLIAN
: I do not.

MARY
: You do, too.

LILLIAN
: No I don’t—

MARY
: Yes you do. Look at us—we’re hiding in
your
fig tree. Guess what? There are no fig trees in Minneapolis!

The branches close over them. We hear a terrible thrashing noise
.
MARY
falls from the tree. Splat
.

BLACKOUT
.

“Fact & Fiction”

FACT
:

I’D LIKE TO INTRODUCE MYSELF
THE NAME IS FRANKIE FACT

FICTION
:

HI, I’M DICK FICTION
AND FRANKLY, THAT’S A FACT

BOTH
:

AT TIMES WE TEND TO TANGLE
THERE’S FRICTION IN THE ACT

FACT
:

’CAUSE “FICTION” PLAYS IT FAST AND LOOSE

FICTION
:

AND “FACT” IS SO EXACT

BOTH
:

BUT WHEN WE DO OUR NUMBER
IT’S SOMETHING OF AN ART
AND NOW AND THEN THEY EVEN SAY
IT’S TOUGH TO TELL US APART

FACT
:

FACT

FICTION
:

AND FICTION

BOTH
:

COMIN’ TO YA WITH A SONG AND DANCE
TAKIN’ FOCUS WHILE WE GOT THE CHANCE
SEE THE DAPPER DANCIN’ FELLERS
EACH CAN BE THE BEST O’ SELLERS

FACT
:

FACT

FICTION
:

AND FICTION
WHAT’S IT LIKE TO BE IN SUCH GOOD TASTE?

FACT
:

HOW’S IT FEEL TO KNOW YOU’RE “LOOSELY BASED”?

FICTION
:

FACT’LL OFTEN ACT OFFICIOUS

FACT
:

LEAST I’LL NEVER BE FICTITIOUS

BOTH
:

WE’VE BEEN BOOKED AT THE PALACE
WE’VE BEEN BOOKED IN DULUTH

FICTION
:

ONCE I SOLOED IN DALLAS

FACT
:

THINLY DISGUISING THE TRUTH

BOTH
:

WE’RE

FACT
:

FACT

FICTION
:

AND FICTION

BOTH
:

AND SINCE YOU’RE COMFORTABLE WITH WHICH IS WHICH
SOME PERFORMANCES WE PULL A SWITCHEROO
FACT MAY IN FACT BE FICTION
OUT OF HIS JURISDICTION
SOMETIMES, IN FACT, THERE’S FICTION, TOO

FICTION
:

WHAT IF I USE POETIC LICENSE?

FACT
:

BETTER TO USE A NAKED FACT

FICTION
:

WHAT IF IT NEEDS EMBELLISHING?

FACT
:

A FRAUD IS A FRAUD

FICTION
:

WHAT IF IT TAKES A FIB
TO GET THE FOLKS TO APPLAUD?

FACT
:
[To the audience.]

PLEASE, I BEG YA, DON’T PROVOKE ’IM
ALL YOU’LL EVER GET IS HOKUM

FICTION
:

WHAT IF I CHANGE THE NAMES A LITTLE?
WHAT IF I FEEL THE NEED FOR TACT?
WHAT IF HER NAME IS EVA AND I CALL HER YVONNE?

FACT
:

WHY WOULD YOU CALL IT FICTION WHEN THE FICTION IS
“NON”?

FICTION
:

FACT IS GETTIN’ KIND O’ CRANKY

BOTH
:

SAIL ALONG WITH DICK AND FRANKIE

BOTH
:

WE’VE BEEN BOOKED IN THE CACTUS
WE’VE BEEN BOOKED IN THE SNOW

FACT
:

I’M A STICKLER FOR PRACTICE

FICTION
:

I MAKE IT UP AS I GO
[They dance.]

BOTH
:

IT’S WORTH ALL THE CONSTANT FRICTION
WORTH EV’RY CONTRADICTION
WORTH IT WHEN FACT AND FICTION BOW
WHEN WE TAKE A BOW
LET’S HEAR IT FOR FACT AND FICTION NOW