Imani All Mine (6 page)

So things just settled back down to regular at Lincoln. The only trouble was that mess girls keep going. There some jealous girls go to our school. A group of bitches who roam in packs. They don't like you if you pretty, so I don't have no problems with them. They don't even see me. They hunt girls like Coco. Two of them bitches beat Coco up in a lavatory. Ain't no way skinny little Coco stand a chance against no two girls. They ripped five extensions out her head right from the root. Tore her shirt and bra right off her. Scratched up her face. Coco say they told her she wasn't nothing. She wasn't shit. Coco ain't tell who it was. She too scared.

I know how she feel about not telling. Even though she know who them girls is. She got to see them every day. But she keep right on going like they ain't even there. With a secret. Ever since she was jumped, Coco carry a knife. Not no little one neither. She showed it to me. It's a butcher knife like your mama keep in the kitchen drawer and be chopping on meat with. She have it right in her backpack inside one of her notebooks. She keep the pack half zipped so she can get to it easy.

 

He
say he had a knife. That night. He ain't never show it to me. He say if he had to show it to me, he was going to have to use it on me. So he kept it like a secret.

When I was talking to Eboni that day after I seen him at school, I was thinking maybe that was what I need. A secret to keep me safe. Maybe I could sneak a knife out the house without Mama knowing, or go down to the Woolworth and buy one down in they basement. I'd be like Coco, have it where I could get to it easy. If he was to say something to me, he'd know all about it. I'd stab his ass right in the broad daylight in the cafeteria. But that was just that dried-up craziness in me. There ain't no way I could do something like that. Not having Imani. I don't know what she'd do if I was took from her or she was took from me.

Greasing on her chicken wings Eboni say to me, You should do like you should of done in the first place, Tasha. Tell your mama.

I got me another pain in my stomach. I say, My mama ain't your mama. If Miss Lovey was my mama, I would've told her straight off.

Eboni say,
My mother. Your mother. Live across the way. Fifteen. Sixteen. East Broadway
. It was a song we'd sing when we was picking sides for kickball. We'd be lining ourselves up so we could end up on the same side. Eboni knew I'd give her the next lines of the song.
Every night they have a fight and this is what they say. Icka Bicka Backa Soda Cracker. Out. Go. She
. We finished up together.

But I say to her, I'm for real, Eboni. You know I can't tell my mama. And don't you be even telling Miss Lovey. Eboni was sucking on a bone and making no promises to me.

When Imani woke up, I took her on home. It was still light out. Before I unlocked the front door, I stood on the porch and erased my face. I closed my eyes and wrote on it that I just come from another boring day of school, because I knew the first thing I would see was Mama sitting on the couch looking me dead in the mouth when I walked in. But she wasn't sitting there. The house ain't had no smell like some dinner had been cooking, neither. It smelled like perfume. I knew right then Mama was going out.

She done met some man I ain't even seen yet. He call sometime. All he say is can he speak to Earlene. Then she take the call up in her room. The thing is, he been calling for over a month and ain't never been to our house. Mama meet him of if somewhere. That make me think he ain't got no car. Or she don't want me meeting him.

 

I went upstairs with Imani and peeked in Mama room. It was a mess. Her dresser top was covered with all kinds of makeup and brushes and sponges. Her shoes was all in a heap on the floor, and it looked like she throwed all her outfits across her bed. All it seem she decided on to wear was her nice bra and drawers. The kind men be liking. All black and made from lace.

Mama was sitting on the end of the bed with her face all made up, looking all pretty and soft, putting lotion on her legs. Her body all skinny like she ain't never had a baby. Even her stomach flat. It got only a few thin stretch marks that circle her belly button like the petals on a flower. They so tiny you can't hardly even see them. It's like I was in her but barely left no sign I was there.

She say, Come on in here, Tasha.

I could only get the door part open. I squeezed in with Imani on my hip.

Mama say, I was fenna to leave you a note. But you here now. I'm going out. There's a food stamp on the kitchen table if you want to go up to the Arabian store and get yourself something for dinner.

I ask, Where you going, Mama?

She say, Out. And smile like a girl going on a date. I don't know. Maybe she feel like a girl. Mama ain't nothing but thirty-two.

I ask, Well, when you coming back?

When I feel like it, Mama say. Girl, I'm grown. I know my way home. Why you in my business? Do I be in your business?

I say, Yeah, Mama, you do be.

And Mama laugh and snap the bottle of lotion shut. You damn straight I be in your business. Because I'm the mama and you the child. It's my job to know your business. Did you take your pill today, Tasha?

I say, I did. I always take it, Mama. You going out with Royster? I ask. Even though I know it ain't been him calling. Mama busted out laughing, and me too. Even Imani laughed like she knew who we was talking about.

Child, Mama say, I ain't even going out with the Jherri Curl King no more.

Mama was dating Royster before Imani was born. I never did like him. Royster old enough to be Mama daddy. He all the time had a plastic bag on his head that stuck to his bald spot in the middle. Mostly I ain't like him because he married. What Mama want with a married man, I don't know. Miss Odetta got her this married man Simpkin she been going out with ever since I can remember. He give Miss Odetta money. Maybe Mama thought Royster going to give her money. But he never gave her none I ever seen.

Mama got up from the bed and I sat down behind her with Imani. Imani started squirming and whining to get down. I ain't want to let her down in all that mess. She wasn't going to do nothing but put something in her mouth. These days she be putting all kinds of things in her mouth she find on the floor. I bounced her on my lap. Imani liked that.

Mama say, If you go up to the store, get some more bread. She was pulling on a pair of tight jeans.

I say, I don't think I'm going. I don't feel so good.

Mama put on a red blouse and left the top three buttons open. Then she come over to me, kicking shoes out the way. She put the back of her hand to my head. It was all cool, and I smelled her perfume sweet like some candy. I could see right down her shirt to her titties.

Mama say, You cool as a cucumber, girl.

I say, It's my stomach.

Mama say, Tasha, you just need to sit on the toilet. You probably constipated. Seem like you trying to get me to stay home with you tonight like you some baby.

I ain't say nothing. I looked at Imani. She got hold of Mama housedress and was chewing on a button. Mama went over to the mirror, brushing her hair. I did want Mama to stay home. But I ain't want to say it.

Mama say, Miss Odetta right next door if you need something. She was still looking in the mirror.

Imani need changing, I say. When I took the button out her mouth, she start crying, so I knew it was time for me to leave. I went to my room. Maybe I
was
being a baby. But I ain't want to see Mama go out. I turned my radio up all loud so I wouldn't have to hear the front door shut.

That evening I went on with the routine of feeding Imani and getting her ready for bed. When I put her in the tub, she kept on saying, Dada. Dada. She been saying that for a while now, but when she say it that night, it made me think of
him
. I washed off her tongue with the washcloth. Trying to wash that word right out her mouth. Don't you be saying that, I say. You say Mama. Mama.

Imani wasn't even stutting me. She kept right on saying Dada like she been saying. When I went to wipe out her mouth again, she grabbed hold of the rag and sucked on it like it was a bottle. My baby probably thought I was crazy. Which I ain't. I was just on my way.

She went right to sleep after I give her a bottle, so I ain't had no excuse for not doing homework. I left Imani in her crib, went on downstairs, and turned on the TV. I had a Latin test coming up on Friday. But I couldn't even keep my mind on my work. I wanted to talk to somebody. I thought about calling Eboni. But she had already told me what she thought I should do. So I picked up the phone and called Peanut. I ain't even let it ring one whole time before I hung up. I knew he ain't want me calling him.

Like the nut he is, Peanut done left Lincoln. He transferred to South Park High. We don't mess around no more. I don't know. I think he done changed. He act like he don't want to be with me now. Maybe he sick of doing it with me. If I call him, he act like I'm bothering him. He always got some excuse to get off the phone real quick. He tired. He on the other line. He doing homework. Like he do homework! He made the basketball team there. J.V. He say that keep him busy. But I know he ain't just getting busy with no basketball. I know he seeing another girl.

Coco the one brung me that bone. Her cousin go to South Park too, and Coco say her cousin say Peanut be with this mixed girl. He be kissing her on the bus. It's not like I love him or nothing. I miss being with Peanut. Kissing him. I don't really miss doing it with him. He do it so fast. I always just wanted to get back to the kissing. I be dreaming about him sometime. That his long eyelashes is tickling my neck and I wake up laughing, and then be mad because it was only a dream.

It seem like after you been with somebody, after they done been all up inside you, that you could call them up. That you could say anything to them. Like, Hey, there's something that's bothering me. I don't want you to do nothing but listen to me talk. To let me get this boy name out my mind. To get his name out my mouth. Off my face. You think a person could do that. But I ain't even try it with Peanut. If I would've called him up and he had rushed me off the phone like I wasn't nothing to him. Like he was so great and I was just some stupid bitch he was throwing table scraps to by actually talking to me for two minutes on the phone. I would've gone all the way to crazy.

 

I ain't had nobody to talk to. I couldn't tell Mama about him. I couldn't tell her about that night. How stupid I was that night, the summer before Imani was born. Thinking he really liked me. As fat as I am. As black as I am. As much as my body look like it ain't never supposed to be loved by no boy. Touched by no boy. That's why I went from Skate-A-Rama with him instead of staying there like I should have. Because he say he liked me! I was smiling back too. Eboni wasn't there, because she was home on punishment. I wasn't skating much, because I'd rented a smaller size skate than what I really take. I was wearing a nine then, and I ain't want that big red number blazing out from the back of my skate, telling the world how big my feet was. So I got me a size seven. They was real cute on my feet while I was sitting down on a bench looking at them. He come up to me while I was sitting down judging my feet. He ain't even have on no skates. He ain't say nothing at first. Just sat there. I pretended like I was watching everybody skate so I could sneak a look at him. I can't say he looked fine to me. Because he didn't. He was big. Bigger than me and he had good hair. It wasn't no curl neither he was trying to fake up to look like good hair. His hair wasn't at all greasy, and he had it just long enough so you could see it had a natural curl to it. When I turned my head away, he say something to me. I ain't hear what he say because the music was so loud. So he slid up next to me and screamed loud in my ear his name. He ask me my name and I told him. The music was so loud, I couldn't hardly hear nothing he say. I did hear his name real clear and I heard him say he like me. We ended up going outside, because it was too loud to talk in there.

I turned in my skates and got my hand stamped so I could come back inside. You can't get no skates again, the lady behind the counter say. This session end in a half hour. You done for the night. I told her that was all right. Then I went out with him. Just to the parking lot, where we can talk, he say. There was some kids hanging out there. They was talking all loud. I wasn't stutting them. But he took hold of my hand and kept on walking. Where we going? I ask. Around the back, he say. Where it's more quieter. We can talk back there. You ain't scared of the dark, is you? No, I say. I ain't scared of no dark. And me, like a stupid stupid fool, walked right on with him. Like we was some couple just walking in love. I wasn't really thinking about no love with him. I was thinking about him saying, I like you, Tasha. Like he mean it. Like I was someone special to him. Like I was someone special to somebody even if it was a lie.

 

It was cool out even though it was August. Soon as we went around back, I could smell him. I don't know why I ain't smell him inside. But out in the dark quiet he smelled like smoke. Me and him went up this little hill into these trees and he took off his jacket for me to sit on. I don't even remember what we talked about, because we only talked a couple minutes. I know he never did say again that he liked me. I would've remembered that. He never said I was pretty or nothing before he kissed me right in the mouth. It wasn't like I never kissed a boy before. I did kiss this Puerto Rican boy two times around Eboni house and let him touch me outside my clothes. But when he was kissing me that night, I ain't like it. His mouth tasted real nasty. I tasted dirt before, when I was little, and his mouth tasted worse than dirt. I guess his mouth was like that from smoking. Like some nasty little animal had done crawled inside his mouth and built a nest.

All the while he steady kissing me and I'm steady trying not to breathe. Trying not to swallow so I wouldn't taste him while he was laying me back to the cold ground. I pulled my mouth away and say, Get on up off me. I don't know what you trying to do.