Imperative: Volume 1, A Tale of Pride and Prejudice (118 page)

“I will not be dragged into their hell, Lizzy.  I will not be lost to you by virtue of a poppy.”  He grimaced and sat down upon the bed.  “This will pass.  It is not nearly as terrible as it was when we arrived . . .”

“No, but tomorrow morning we will board the coach and you will be subjecting your body to the jarring and rocking again.  And we will not be on the post road any longer, the road into Meryton will be full of ruts and holes, the travel will be tedious and you . . .” her eyes filled with angry tears.  “You will hurt so terribly.   I cannot bear to see you in more pain, I cannot!”

“I do not mean to hurt you, Lizzy.”  Darcy watched her pacing with her arms folded tightly around her body, and wished he had the strength to rise and stop her furious movement.  “I realized that I was drinking down that poison every two hours!  I was not taking a quarter that amount at Pemberley!”

“You were sitting in a chair at Pemberley!  Not taking this journey to . . . to . . . satisfy me.  We never should have left home!”  She cried, her silk nightdress billowed as she spun away.   “And now we are too far along to turn back.”

“I do not want to grow to need it, Lizzy.”  He said urgently.  “Lizzy!”  Darcy caught her hand when she next passed and forced her to stop.  “Elizabeth.”  She looked to him and palming her cheek, he held her gaze and spoke very seriously.  “I
felt
myself liking it.” 

She searched his eyes.  “What do you mean?” 

“I mean that I was looking forward to the next glass, not because it would bring relief from the pain but because it made me feel good.”  Her eyes widened and he bit his lip.  “Maybe it is my imagination, but I have never taken so much for such an extended period before.  This is weeks, love, not a day or two for a fall from a horse or a toothache, not a fever or . . . whatever disorder it could be used for, I . . . I found it disquieting.”  He paused and closed his eyes.  “I liked the taste of the last dose.  The bitterness was . . . somehow comforting.”  Elizabeth gasped and immediately her arms were around him.  “Do you understand?  It frightens me.”

“Oh Will, I think that Richard’s warnings have gone to your head.  You know that we would never let you become like Albert or the judge.  Why did you not tell me what you were thinking all day?”  She rubbed his back and he sighed with the relief it brought.  Elizabeth looked down to find his eyes closed.  “You did not wish to frighten me, but you must know that seeing you in pain is terrifying.”

“I am so sorry, love.  I prefer your anger with my stubbornness over your anger for my stupidity.” 

“Not telling me why you are being stubborn is stupidity, but now that I know the reason, I can only admire your determination to bear the pain more. I am sure that you liking the taste and the feeling it brought is no more than anticipation of respite,
not
giving in to addiction.  If you did not know of your uncle and cousin, I am sure that you would not be denying yourself genuine relief.  And I pray that I can convince you to change your mind.”  She stood between his parted legs and hugged him tightly.   Darcy could feel her frustration with his suffering in the way that she protectively cradled his body to hers. “When we arrive at Netherfield tomorrow I will have Parker prepare you a deep hot bath as soon as possible.”

“That would be wonderful.”  He murmured against the comforting pillow of her breast.

“I wish that we had our hot water bottles here.”  She looked to their open trunks and knew there was nothing within them to help.  “When I go to Longbourn I will make you a poultice and some teas for the pain, if you remain obstinent.”

He breathed in the soft scent of roses mixing with the intoxicating scent of her body.  “You are so warm, Lizzy.” 

“I am?”  She stopped her planning and focussing back on him, whispered.  “Do I feel good against your chest?”

“Yes.”  He was able to take a full breath and she kissed the top of his head. 

“Can you lie on your stomach?” 

“I do not think so.”  Darcy’s eyes opened and he looked up to her.  “Why?”

“I thought that I would massage your back.”  She smiled and saw that although his eyes were pained, he liked the thought.  “Lie on your side and let’s see what we can do.”  Pulling back the covers, Elizabeth lifted off his nightshirt and urged him back upon the pillows.  She knelt behind him, working on his knotted shoulders and down his spine to his bottom, trying so hard not to touch the deep, ugly bruises that remained amongst ones that were beginning to fade.

“That feels wonderful.”  He murmured and drew in a long deep breath.  “Oh . . . so very good.”

As she became familiar with how hard she could press, her hands moved in confident circles over his shoulders and down to his waist, and gradually, she felt the tension being released.  Gently she pushed him onto his back and knelt between his legs, now rubbing up his chest, taking care to avoid his tender ribs, down his arms, and all over his body.  Darcy’s eyes opened and she leaned down to kiss him.  “Better?”

“Yes . . .  More please.”

“Where?   What would feel best?”  Elizabeth smiled when he did, and brushing the hair away from his temple, leaned down to plant kisses on his belly.  Involuntarily, Darcy curled in self-defence.  Elizabeth’s hands went to her hips and she shook her head at him.  “I will not tickle when you are injured, Will.”

Embarrassed, he blushed.  “You never know.”  

“Just for that lack of faith, you are guaranteed to be attacked one day.”  Her fingers tiptoed up his belly and she giggled when his muscles contracted again.  “Ohhhh, and I look forward to it.”

“Oddly enough, so do I.”  Darcy reached forward to gently tickle her ribs.  Their eyes held for a moment, and she blushed this time.  “I am sorry, Lizzy.”

“Whatever for?”  Elizabeth began caressing his skin again and he stayed her hands, and brought them to his lips.   “For thinking that I could ever endure this without your help.  Sometimes I . . . I forget that I am not alone anymore, and that I do not have to keep everything to myself.  Sometimes I forget that you do not want to be spared my worries.” 

“Sometimes I forget, too.”  She whispered.

 “I know.”  He brushed back her hair and held her eyes.  “I hope that the regret you feel about travelling to Longbourn is just over your worry for my pain, and not that you do not wish to see your family.”

“Of course I want to see them, but . . . as we travel ever closer, I . . . I have become reflective I suppose.  I am full of questions and . . . what-ifs.”  She sighed and he nodded understandingly.

“The confinement of a carriage is ideal for becoming lost in thought.  And I am afraid that wondering what might have happened if . . . can apply to almost every moment in life.  What if you had not stolen Reverend Pierson’s Bible . . .?” His eyes crinkled when she stared.  “What if I had not left a gate open for the chicken coop?”  He smiled when she put her hand to her mouth.  “What if I had not heard your father’s plans for your marriage to Collins?  What if you had not jumped from the carriage when I pushed you?  What if I had died?”  Seeing her eyes fill with tears, he again brushed back her hair, and tugging her down to lay beside him, he covered them with the quilt.  They were nose to nose and he kissed her.   “You see, do not dwell on what-ifs, they only breed regret.”

“I wonder what life would have been if my father had taken better care with his family.   Would he have wanted me to marry for love or would he still wish to protect the family the only way he could, by putting me with Mr. Collins?  Would he have five educated daughters?  Would we have dowries?  Would we regret leaving home?”  She bent her head and Darcy’s mouth opened with surprise.   He could not help the feeling of happiness her admission of love gave him. 

“You are grateful to be with me, despite all of the misery I have brought you?” 

“You have not brought me misery, Will, it just happened.”  She caressed his face and kissed him. 

Nodding, he held her chin and traced her lips with his thumb.  “You need to say goodbye.  You need to let go of the disappointment your father’s choices in parenting have brought to you.  Now that you have left home, and been exposed to a bigger world, do you think he was as terrible as others?”

“Do you mean compared to your family?”  She smiled when he shrugged and sighed. 

“I will not compare them, but I will judge him and Mama on their own behaviour.”

“Fair enough.  And?” 

“I just . . . I have so many mixed emotions, Will.  It was not until we left Pemberley that I realized how different I am from the foolish girl who left only two months ago.”

“Has it only been two months?”  Darcy’s fingers combed through her long hair and lifting it, he caressed his hand over her shoulder.  “It feels like years that we have been together.”

“But it has
not
been years, it has been weeks.  Will . . . I just do not know if I can go back.  I thought that I could face this, that I was strong enough, but . . . I do not want to enter Longbourn and see him . . . It will be awful.  You read what Mr. Bingley wrote after he visited . . .”

“I know, he is very ill, he is thin, he coughs.  You know that Bingley was doing you a favour telling you the truth, do you not?  You have a chance to brace yourself.” 

“I know, but . . . Why has nobody else told me?  Yes, Aunt Gardiner did, but Jane?  Surely she would notice . . .”

Darcy smiled.  “When has Jane ever seen anything without gauze over her eyes?”

“You know her well for barely knowing her.”  Elizabeth said ruefully.

“I know nothing of her, but I do know you.”  She looked up.  “You saw your family with the same idealized view that Jane sees the whole world, until you were asked to look at them differently.”

“By you.” 

“By me.”  His lips lifted.  “Where I, on the other hand, have done nothing but look at everyone poorly because of my bad experiences with my family.  Until I was forced to do otherwise.”

“By me.”  She said softly.

“By you.”  Darcy moved closer and kissed her.  “I know that you are frightened to go home and see before you the reality of your father’s illness, and likely to see your mother’s greatest fear reflected in her eyes, and . . . maybe even feel guilt that because you have married me, your sister was left to accept Mr. Collins.  But go you must.  You would regret it for the rest of your life if we were to turn the carriages north tomorrow.  Just as I would have regretted forever not walking behind my father’s coffin as it was taken from Pemberley to the church, no matter how much I wanted to hide.”  Elizabeth’s eyes welled up and a tear ran unheeded down her cheek.  “You see, love.  Your father would have died, whether you married me or not.  And you would have eventually had to face the truth of your upbringing, and . . . the whirlwind of thoughts that are plaguing you as we creep ever closer to Longbourn.  But . . . you are not facing it alone.”

“I have you.” 

“Just as I have you to help me through . . .”  He sighed and closed his eyes.  “Everything.” 

“I want so much to love you, Will.”   Elizabeth wrapped her arms around him and felt the security of his embrace.  “Do you know how many times we have loved each other?”

“Yes.  Exactly how many.”  He kissed her ear and nuzzled his face against her throat.  “Not enough.”

“Not if we know exactly how many times.”  Elizabeth rested in his arms and rubbed her hands over his soft skin.  “Get well soon.” 

“Trust me, dearest, you can have no more eager patient.”  He looked around to her face and kissed the smile that appeared.  “I love you.”

“I love you.”  She drew a long breath and blew it out.  “Well,”   Wiping her eyes, she sat up and pulled off the quilt.  “Where were we?”

Darcy laughed.  “I . . . think you were relaxing me, although I was feeling fairly comfortable a moment ago.  Now I am becoming cold.”

“Well let me rub some warmth into you.  What is next?”  She looked up and down his body speculatively.  “We have done your back, your shoulders, your chest . . .”

“My legs?” 

“Your legs?  They are quite removed from centre of your pain.  Are you certain that rubbing your legs will help the ache in your chest?”  She laughed when his face coloured.  “I think that you have some sort of goal in mind with me having my hands on you here.” She rubbed her hands suggestively over his thighs, and then with a giggle moved down his right leg, working to knead his bare foot.  Darcy’s disappointed sigh turned into a groan of surprise.  “Ohhh, Oh, Lizzy . . .” 

“I have learned something, I think.”  Elizabeth smiled as a look utter bliss crossed his face while she rubbed.  Biting her lip she bent and nibbled his toes.  Darcy’s eyes flew open.  “Does it tickle?”

“No, but it . . . It is doing something.  All over me.”   He swallowed and their eyes fell upon the erection rising proudly from the nest of curls between his legs.

Pointedly ignoring it, Elizabeth took up his other foot and massaged the arch.  Immediately he sank back into the pillows and revelled in his blissful state.  When he appeared to be completely relaxed, Elizabeth rubbed her hands up his legs and arrived at his thighs.  She paused.  “More?”

“Please.”  He whispered, and groaned as her hands moved over his hips and waist, and back up his chest. 

“Can you bear my weight on your legs?”  Elizabeth asked softly.   Seeing his nod, she rested on his thighs, now rubbing her hands up his arms to his shoulders.  Sighing deeply his eyes half opened to see her hovering above, concern and love were etched on her face. 

“Thank you.”

“You are welcome.  Now hush, let me take care of you.”  She leaned and kissed him tenderly. 

As she began to rise, his hands surrounded her face and drew her forward.  Darcy’s mouth opened and his tongue encircled her lips and then slipped inside to explore her mouth.  A soft moan escaped her throat and that was all the encouragement he needed.  “Love me, Lizzy.”  He begged softly and lifted her nightdress up and away.

“Will . . .” She wanted him just as badly, but if she hurt him . . .

“I need you.  We need each other.”  His hands moved down her body and holding his penis in his hand, he guided her hips forward.  Darcy rubbed himself over her folds, and sighed with the pleasure of the silky wetness touching him again.  Their eyes met and he pushed the thick throbbing head upwards.  “Ohhhhh.”   He groaned and lay back on the pillows.  Everything in him screamed to start thrusting as hard and fast as he could.  Desperate to feel everything, he grasped her hips and pulled her downwards and watched his erection disappearing inside of her.  A groan of absolute fulfilment escaped from deep within his chest as he surrendered to the warmth and the pressure of her body so securely wrapped around him.  “Ohhhh, yes, Lizzy . . .”  His eyes opened.  “Move for both of us, dearest.”