In a Handful of Dust (19 page)

Then she lost Eli, her uncle, whose face was clearer in her memory than her own mother’s. He had left one evening from Grandma Vera’s cabin by the stream with a light kiss on her forehead. And then he was gone, with a pile of stones in the clearing to replace him, resting forever beside the infant brother she had never known.

Her mother lay there too, nestled between them in the grave of her own making. Lucy’s curious wanderings had taken her all over as she grew older, with Lynn’s protective warnings ringing in her ears when she stayed out too long or strayed too far. But the graveyard was one place she always skirted in order to keep the dim memories safely cornered in the recesses of her mind.

People could be lost. People could leave. People could be taken from her. This idea had taken root in her childish mind and delved deep, sending dark thoughts that made her clutch more tightly to Lynn with her heart. Though she would wander far, there was never a time when she opened the door of their home without a sharp stab of fear: What if Lynn wasn’t there?

Lynn had gone to the graveyard often, Lucy knew, spending equal time with Neva and Eli alike, though she’d been bluntly honest when Lucy had asked long ago if she and Neva had been friends. Uncle Eli was another story, one Lynn clearly hadn’t found the end to yet, Lucy thought, as she walked along, glancing sideways at Fletcher.

He sat astride Brown Horse, who he’d cheekily renamed Terra Cotta after her foot healed. Lynn was riding beside him, Mister barely a nose behind. Lucy guessed Lynn would rather have died than admit to Fletcher he was actually leading them, and she kept her face impassive whenever she spoke to him, which was not often. Lucy had to nudge Spatter to keep up every now and then, as he was always leaving the road to investigate what edibles might be hiding from him in the Colorado dust. Her own thoughts roamed along with her mount, as if discovering the moment in time she had lost her courage might help her reclaim it.

Whether it was Neva’s abandonment, Eli’s death, her own realization that Stebbs and Vera were getting older, or the terror on Carter’s face when he accepted his fate, the seed of fear had been planted inside of her. And it had grown, filling all her corners and finding an answering echo in the dark line of the mountains. Forcing Spatter forward felt like inviting terror, and even the calm, straight lines of Lynn’s and Fletcher’s backs as they rode ahead of her held no comfort.

The day finally came when they rode into the shadow of the mountains, and Lucy fought the urge to bolt as the shade swallowed first Fletcher, then Lynn, and finally herself. Goose bumps stood out starkly on her skin even though she was sweating, and she felt Spatter falter in response to her own wariness. She leaned forward and patted him to reassure them both, glad that she was behind the adults so they would not see the struggle it was for her to keep from wheeling his head around and running back east as fast as he could take her.

The first night beside the mountains stole any semblance of sleep from Lucy. The chill that had started on her skin penetrated to her bones. Lynn had consented to a small fire after Fletcher mentioned it in passing. The heat had lulled the exhausted Lynn into a sleep Lucy envied, and she watched Lynn by the light of the flickering flames.

“It’s good she’s finding some peace,” Fletcher said. His voice jolted Lucy from her reverie, and she looked over to where he was propped on his elbows, his eyes on Lynn as well. “I doubt that poor woman has had any true sleep since I joined you.”

Lucy scooted closer to him so they could talk without disturbing Lynn. “Take it as a sign she trusts you now.”

“And leave poor unassuming you to my infernal devices?” Fletcher asked.

“I don’t think I’d put it that way, mostly ’cause I don’t know what you said.”

“What it breaks down to is, it may seem she trusts me not to harm you, but really the woman is exhausted and sleep is a biological imperative.”

“Lynn’s been known to outsmart her own body once or twice,” Lucy said. “If she didn’t want to sleep, she wouldn’t. Take heart.”

Fletcher smiled, an easy action for him, but this one was quiet and personal, and Lucy felt intrusive even watching him. “Regardless,” he said. “Her trust would be a lovely thing to have, but a man such as myself can’t ask for anything more.”

“A man like you?”

“One who’s got nothing to give.”

They were silent together for a moment as they watched the flames play across Lynn’s face, darkening the shadows under her eyes still further. Lucy broke the silence. “How did you meet your wife?”

“She was on the road, same as me. We crossed paths and it was simply serendipity. The chances of finding someone you can truly love were small, even before this dark and broken time of ours. What are the odds two people left in this vast emptiness would find each other and be soul mates?”

“It’s a long shot,” Lucy agreed.

“We found each other once. I’ll find her again.”

Though his eyes were still on Lynn, Lucy could see his thoughts were elsewhere. “What was her name?”

Fletcher was still for a while before answering, as if considering imparting a secret. “Rose,” he finally said, and she could hear the long years of loneliness embedded deep in the single syllable.

“I had someone,” Lucy said after a moment.

“You had to leave him behind, didn’t you?”

She nodded as an answer, her throat too tight for words.

“I can see it. There’s a worry that surrounds you too mature for your years.”

“Yeah, well,” Lucy said, “I got lots of worries.”

“Tell me about this boy, for starters.”

“His name was—
is
,” she corrected herself, “Carter.”

“And what happened? Why isn’t he traveling with you?”

“He got sick. Well, actually, he
never
got sick, which was the problem. Turns out he was carrying the polio that wiped out our people. Lynn said I couldn’t see him anymore, and back home he was . . .”

“Exiled?”

“He was turned out, yeah,” Lucy said softly, remembering the lost look in Carter’s eyes as he left her underneath the trees.

“That’s a hard life, when it’s not voluntary,” Fletcher said.

“He didn’t want to go,” Lucy said, lost in her own story. “But he knew it was best for everyone, best for me. I’ve seen Lynn do all kinds of brave things my whole life, but I’ve never seen anything like Carter walking out into nothing all by himself.”

“Sounds like he was a good fella.”

“
Is
a good fella,” Lucy insisted. “For all anyone knows, he’s still alive. I’m sticking to that, the same as you’re sticking to Rose.”

“Even though he’s back east and you’re headed west as far as the land can take you?”

“This place, Sand City, does it have doctors?”

“Some, as I recall.” Fletcher looked into the fire before continuing. “I don’t know if they were doctors in the modern sense of the word though, and I don’t want to mislead you.”

“Mislead me?”

“Meaning that I don’t want you to have Sand City set up in your head as a utopia—a place where everything is perfect,” he added before Lucy could interrupt with the question. “The folks there are kind, and life is easier, definitely. But there’s still illness and accidents, and different kinds of work to be done every day.”

“Life is work.” Lucy shrugged.

“And here I thought you had the optimism of youth.” Fletcher laughed softly to himself, then held up his hand to reassure her that he wasn’t mocking her. “No offense meant.”

“My grandma Vera is a doctor—a real one,” Lucy said. “But she didn’t know if Carter would carry the polio forever or if it kinda faded out.”

“So you’re hoping you can find someone who does know? What if you walk toward the sunset thinking you’ll find all your answers in Sand City, and they’re not there? Or shall we consider the opposite? What if someone tells you what you want to hear—that this boy is no longer infectious—yet you’re separated by all the miles you just crossed to hear those words?”

Lucy felt the pit of hopelessness opening in her stomach at such direct questions. To speak her half-made plans out loud made them sound feeble and childish, the product of a lovesick mind that had no room for logic. “If he can be rid of it, I’m going to find him. I won’t leave him for dead.”

“And how do you imagine that scenario playing out with Lynn?”

“Not well,” she admitted.

“I’d say not,” Fletcher agreed. “She crosses the country on foot to keep you safe and you do an about-face and head back?”

“You do it,” Lucy said, letting the edge in her voice cut through the air even though Lynn was asleep. “You wander around with no idea where to go without a second thought.”

“And beholden to none,” Fletcher added, weighting each word. “I can do it because there is no one who cares for me. Those who reap the blessings of freedom must undergo the fatigue of supporting it.”

Lucy could feel her jaw tightening into the stubborn set Carter had always teased her about, the tiniest flare of irritation firing along with it. “If I say I’ll do it, then I’ll do it.”

“No reason to get heated, though it’s refreshing to have a philosophical conversation,” he said.

Lucy let all her breath out in a rush. “Sorry. I didn’t know I had that in me.”

“I imagine there’s a lot of things you don’t know you have in you, little Lucy.”

Lucy shook her head. “You don’t know the half of it, Fletcher. My mom, my
real
mom, she killed herself rather than have to face her fears. That’s who I am. It’s in my blood.”

“Maybe. But Lynn’s been teaching you her ways, and I think one or two of them might’ve taken. It’s an old argument you’d know nothing about, but whether it’s the nature of your mother that wins out in the end, or the lessons of the one who’s nurtured you, the choices are your own.”

“Yeah,” Lucy said. “That I know.”

“The other side of the coin, my small friend, isn’t all that shiny either.”

“What’re you saying?”

“I’m saying Sand City has things to offer you haven’t even thought of yet, things you might not want to forsake in exchange for a long, hard road back to where you came from.”

“I grew up in a city,” Lucy said. “I remember electricity and bathrooms. It’s not like it’ll be all that much of a shock to me.”

“And people?” Fletcher said quietly. “You’ll be welcome in Sand City. A whole group of new people, kind ones, people who’ll take to you—and you to them. It’s apparent that you form attachments quickly. Will you walk out on a whole city of new friends for the sake of one old one?”

“Is it right for me to leave Carter alone forever because my grandma didn’t know the answer to a question? Is it right that he should be hated and feared if there’s really nothing wrong with him, and I’m too comfortable to come back?” Lucy’s voice was rising; Lynn twitched in her sleep, and Fletcher motioned to her to shush.

He patted her shoulder awkwardly. “Don’t get all discombobulated, now. I’m just planting some thoughts in your head for you to ruminate on while we travel. Get some sleep. Tomorrow we’re into the work of the journey.”

“’Kay,” she said absently, but didn’t lie down. Long after Fletcher had drifted off, Lucy stared into the mesmerizing comfort of the flames.

UNCORRECTED E-PROOF—NOT FOR SALE

HarperCollins Publishers

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“I
was not expecting that,” Lynn said, as she stared down the rock slide as if willpower could move it.

“What were you expecting? Smooth sailing?” Fletcher asked, as he slid off Terra Cotta’s saddle.

“I would’ve been content with smooth walking,” Lucy muttered, joining Fletcher on the road.

The pile of rocks, dirt, and twisted roots had been there awhile; Lucy could see fresh spikes of green growth emerging from the broken trees that had re-rooted themselves in the rubble heap. What she couldn’t see was the other side of the road. The heap was piled well over their heads, and a few rainfalls had settled the dirt solidly.

Lynn put one hand on her hip and surveyed the earthen wall. “Well, shit,” she said. “Now what?”

“Not a lot of options, ladies. We dig, or we go back.”

“Back how far?” Lucy asked.

Fletcher pushed his hat up off his forehead and scratched at his blond curls while he thought. “Last turnoff I remember would lead us too close to a little town I’m not entirely in favor of. One before that might take us where we need to go to get back on the highway, but I’ve not traveled it myself and don’t know who we might meet on the way.”

“Then we dig,” Lynn said.

“With what?” Lucy asked.

“You got hands?”

Lucy was doubtful their hands would do much damage, but going against Lynn when she used that tone of voice wasn’t in her best interest. Fletcher didn’t complain, digging in with a smart, “Yes, ma’am.”

It wasn’t long before a million tiny cuts from the brittle shale had sliced open Lucy’s hands, never deep enough to draw blood. Dirt filled them quickly, bringing with it a persistent itch she didn’t start scratching for fear of never stopping. Her fingernails bent backward, most of them snapping clean off as she dug, leaving the soft white skin underneath unprotected against more cuts and more dirt.

Lucy continued to claw at the pile, working alongside Fletcher, who did most of the heavy lifting. Lynn had scrambled to the top and was pushing boulders too heavy for her too lift and rolling them down the opposite side, the thunderous
cracks
of their landing sending vibrations through Lucy’s feet. Loose dirt slid down from Lynn’s efforts, settling into Lucy’s scalp and mixing with her sweat to create a thin mud that covered her like a second skin.

The sun climbed, bearing down on them as Lynn slid down to the other side of the road and began digging from there. Fletcher wordlessly touched Lucy’s shoulder and motioned to her that she should drink. Too tired to speak, she only nodded and went to where Spatter stood listlessly, his ears flicking away blackflies in the midday heat. Her water bottle was warm from being next to his body, and she swished the first swallow around in her mouth before spitting it out.