In Honor (25 page)

Rusty’s jaw tightened, but he didn’t drop his smile. “All right, sure.”

We opened up the two front doors and leaned in to dig for our wallets. Rusty slid his license easily out of his, then opened the glove box. “Registration in here?”

“I think so. . . . I don’t know. . . .” I fumbled with the plastic pocket of my wallet, trying to get my license out.

Rusty looked at me, serious. “What do you mean, you don’t know? Where’d you put it?”

“I mean . . . I don’t think I
got
it?”

A bad, sinking feeling started in my stomach, and it got worse when Rusty stopped what he was doing and asked me slowly, “Did you pay the registration for the car this year?”

“No.
I
never did. I thought Finn took care of all that stuff. . . . I . . . oh, no.” I stood up, knocking my head on the door frame in the process.

“You okay, miss?” Officer Chase asked.

“Yeah.” I handed him my license, then rubbed the back of my head. “Here’s this. Um, about the registration—”

“It’s nine months overdue,” the mean one interrupted. “I ran it already. You know what that means, sweetheart?”

“What?” I asked sharply. I was starting to hate this guy a little more every time he opened his mouth. I looked to Officer Chase. “Do I have to pay a big fine or something?”

“It means we have to tow it,” he said grimly. “It can’t be on the road when it’s that long overdue.”

“You can’t tow it! We’re eight hundred miles from
home.
” I willed myself not to cry. “It was my brother’s car, and he was over in Iraq, and I didn’t know I was supposed to register it, and he . . .”

Rusty cut in. “Look, her brother just passed away, and I’m sure we can get it all straightened out once we get back home, if you could please just cut us a break this time.”

Officer Chase shook his head. “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

I tried not to panic completely. “What can we do, then?” I asked, on the edge of tears. This couldn’t be happening.

His partner pressed his thin lips together and furrowed his brow like he pitied me. “Well, the first thing
you
can do, Miss . . .”—he peered over Chase’s shoulder at my license—“Lindsey, is accept responsibility for your actions. Says right here you’re almost eighteen—”

“Oh,
come
on,” Rusty said, stepping in front of me. “If you’re gonna be a dick and take the car, we don’t need a speech, too.”

“Easy there, cowboy. Somebody needs to tell it like it is.” The old snake of an officer snapped his eyes back to me. “The
second
thing you can do, sweetheart,
Honor
, is to show some respect for your brother’s memory by taking care of his things and getting this car up to date.”

“All right, that’s enough,” Chase said, glaring at his partner. “Let’s go call it in.”

My heart pounded in my chest as they walked back across the parking lot to the patrol car. I’d never hated anyone so much in my life as I hated that police officer right then. I wanted to scream.

“That guy’s an asshole,” Rusty said, putting his hand on my shoulder. “We’ll get it figured out. It’ll be okay.”

“No, Rusty, it
won’t
!” I snapped. “It’s not gonna be okay, because
you
parked us overnight right in front of a sign that says no overnight parking!” I twisted away from him and shook my head. “And then you mouthed off to that guy, so now he’s gonna take Finn’s
car
.” I was crying now, angry tears that slid fast and hot down my cheeks.

Rusty’s jaw tightened, and he took a step toward me, his voice low. “You need to calm down right now. This is
not
my fault.”

“Yes it is,” I spit back at him. “They wouldn’t
be
here if you hadn’t parked here. If you’d actually read the sign.” I looked up at it, deciding to ignore the fact that I hadn’t either. He’d been the one driving. Across the parking lot, the two officers stood on the far side of their car, looking like they were having an argument too.

“Yeah, Honor? What about the registration? Finn’s been gone over a year now. You didn’t think to check up on that?”

“Now you’re agreeing with
that
guy?
I
need to be more responsible?” I shook my head and laughed at the absurdity of it. “You’re one to talk, Rusty. You went off to the college Finn was supposed to go to and became even more of a drunk than you were in high school. You got a chance that he missed out on, and you blew it.” I didn’t have to look at him to know I’d hurt him. I turned my back instead and stared across the highway at the gray fog that hid the ocean. “Why don’t you just leave? Leave like he did. It was no problem for him, so it shouldn’t be one for you.”

Rusty’s voice was thick with anger. “Is that what you really think? That he just left you?”

I didn’t answer. I didn’t know what to think.

When Rusty spoke next, his voice came out flat. “Wow, Honor,” he said from behind me. “There’s a whole lot you don’t see.” He stepped around in front of me so I had to face him. “Maybe that cop is right, you know? Maybe it’s time for you to grow up and hear the truth, which is that you have no idea how to take care of yourself because Finn looked out for you your whole damn life.”

“Shut up.”

“No, there’s something else you should know, if you wanna talk about the truth.” He paused, then looked at me with eyes that flashed fierce with anger. “He didn’t give up a full ride and join the marines because he all of a sudden got patriotic.”

Something in me stilled, even though my heart pounded in my throat. “What are you talking about?”

“You know what a full ride means, Honor? It means he was going to school for free. To play football. Just like he wanted. He didn’t miss out on that chance, he gave it up. Changed his mind. For you. So he could pay for you to go to your stupid little dream school.”

“What are you even
talking
about?” I shook my head, took a step back. “I had money. Our parents left us money.”

“No they didn’t. Finn just told you that. Right after that trip you guys took to Austin, and you came back all bent on going there and nowhere else. You had your head so far up your ass about that, like you just assumed you could go wherever you wanted. So he figured out a way to make it happen for you, like he always did. You know what that was? Joining the marines for a paycheck and telling you your parents left you a college fund.”

“You’re a liar,” I said through gritted teeth.

Rusty snorted. “That’s one thing you’ve called me that I’m not.” He turned to walk away, then paused and leveled his eyes right at me. “I wish I was. But the truth is, him leaving—it’s all on you.” With that, he turned his back on me.

I sank down to the ground right where I’d been standing, hands on my head like they could block out what he said. But it was too late. Those words had already gone straight in and twisted up my insides into a knot of anger and guilt and ugliness.
How
could Finn have done that?
I never would have said yes to that. And he never gave me a choice.

Beside my foot was a rock the size of my fist, and I wrapped my fingers around it and squeezed until my knuckles went white. Then I stood up with it heavy in my hand, wanting to break something.

And I did.

I brought my arm back and hurled it with all the force in me at the stupid No Parking sign bolted to the front of the kiosk that started this whole mess, but the throw was wild. The window above the sign exploded into a thousand jagged shards that clattered down onto the asphalt like glass rain. My breath left me. Rusty jumped and turned around, looking from me to the broken window. The two officers snapped to attention and started walking over quick, hands on their radios. And I stood there, out of breath, not feeling any better, but not wishing for a second that I could take it back either.

“Which one of you idiots threw that rock?” Officer Asshole boomed from a few paces away. He looked from me to Rusty, then back to me. I narrowed my eyes at him and got ready to tell him where to shove it. What did it matter now anyway?

And then Rusty laughed—a bitter laugh that sounded like trouble. I looked over as he put his hands in his pocket and stepped casually toward the officers. “I did, you jackass.” He motioned up at the kiosk. “Screw your stupid sign.”

Oh, no.

They looked at me like they didn’t believe him, like they knew just as well as I did that he hadn’t thrown the rock. And I wanted to say so, I did, but I just stood there dumb and frozen and in shock.

“What?” Rusty said, keeping his hands in his pockets. “You need an instant replay to do your job?” He turned his head to the side and spit. “Come on now, Officer Dick . . .” He pretended to squint at his name tag. “What does that say?”

Oh god, Rusty, don’t.

“Okay, Tex.” Officer Dixon smiled. “Have it your way.” In less time than it took me to open my mouth and try to set things straight, he had Rusty turned around with his cheek shoved up against the Pala and his hands behind his back. “You’re under arrest for vandalism and destruction of state property.” He reached to his belt and pulled out a set of shiny handcuffs, snapped one neatly on each of Rusty’s wrists, and squeezed them tight.

This is not happening.

“Little tight there, officer,” Rusty said through gritted teeth.

Dixon yanked him off the car and smiled. “That’s the best thing I’ve heard all day.” He turned Rusty around and started to walk him over to the patrol car, but then he paused and yelled over his shoulder to Officer Chase. “You got her?”

How can this be happening?

“Yeah, I got it,” Chase said. He turned to me with a look that seemed like he felt bad. “Anything you need out of your car before we take it? Purse? Wallet? Phone?” I hadn’t even noticed the tow truck pull up. I could barely breathe, let alone talk.

This really cannot be happening.

The driver got out and nodded to Officer Chase, who nodded back. Given the okay, he hopped up on the flat metal bed of his truck, unrolled a chain from somewhere, and walked it down to the Pala. To Finn’s car—the only thing I had left here and the last I had of him. I watched, horrified into silence, as he hooked it up.

What was there to say? That I was an awful, selfish person who’d been completely clueless about what other people were willing to do for me? That Rusty getting arrested, and Finn’s car getting taken away, and Finn joining the marines and dying were all things that happened because of
me
? Because everyone thought I needed to be taken care of?

Officer Chase must’ve thought so too, because before the tow truck driver turned on the winch to roll the car up onto the platform and take it away, he went and pulled my purse out. He handed it over like he pitied me, then gave me his card and the number of the impound yard. I took it numbly, without saying thank you, then walked away from him and sat on the curb, more pitiful than I’d ever been in my life.

The tow truck driver handed Officer Chase a clipboard to sign, and that was it. He got back in his truck and took Finn’s car away from me. Officer Chase glanced at me one last time, then he turned and walked over to the car, where his partner waited with Rusty handcuffed in the back of it. Because of me.

I couldn’t even look at him as they drove by because I hated myself so much for not standing up for him like he had for me. The thing I hated most, though, was the question repeating itself over and over in my head, because it was a selfish one that just confirmed everything Rusty had said about me.
What am I supposed to do now?

29

I saw Rusty’s face in my mind as they drove away. How angry he’d been with me in one second, angry enough to hurt me the same as I had him, but then how, in the very next instant, he’d come to my defense. Saved me. And now, as I sat there on the curb watching cars come and go through the parking lot, another truth smacked me hard. There was no one left to save me. I was utterly alone, and it was undeniably my fault.

I stood, thinking that walking might help me sort out how I’d gone from coming to see Kyra Kelley’s farewell concert, and telling her about Finn, to sitting here alone in California, with his letter in my purse, Rusty in jail, and the Pala taken away. It was a crazy, tangled mess, but that didn’t surprise me, because honestly, I was too.
How had I been so wrapped up in myself, I didn’t realize what was going on? How had Finn given up everything for me without me even knowing? Or giving me a choice?
How had I just stood there and let Rusty take the blame and go to jail for me? How had I gotten here, to this place, where everything was wrong and it all came back to me?

I didn’t know how to begin facing those questions, or if I even wanted to, so I kept walking until I came to the highway, then pushed the button for the crosswalk. The green man flashed on the light, and I crossed the highway to the ocean side and found a path that rolled and wound along the bluff above the water. It seemed as good as any, considering my current situation, so I set foot down it, hoping it would lead to the sand and the water, where I’d found a little bit of peace before things went so wrong in so many ways.