In Memory (34 page)

55 Days, 3 January, Saturday

Due to an unfortunate series of coincidental timings, I ended up walking in on Noah while he was showering today.

It all started with Terra having a relaxing bath in the upstairs bath, and concurrently, Noah having a shower. We never had to worry about that before, because it used to be just the two of us.

H
ad to pee so bad I thought I
would burst. D
ebated on going outside, standing awkwardly outside Noah’s door. But
it’s so cold today
,
it’ll freeze
.

P
ounded on the door, hearing Noah’s voice from within.
“Yes?”

“I have to pee, can I come in?”

“Yes.”

S
ighed gratefully, tearing into the room and rushing to the toilet, not even paying attention to the shower until I finished up.

As I was walking towards the sink, I remembered that we have a relatively see-through curtain on the downstairs shower. It has random splotches of the primary
colours
as if some clumsy painter was near the transparent plastic.

Behind the plastic, though, he was standing with his back to me, and his arms folded in front of him.

C
ouldn’t move, affixed firmly into place by the sensuous image of him standing there with the water dripping off him. It was like I could see a hyper-detailed video of each drop as it ran down his body, all at once.

The rushing noise of the water continued, until he turned his head to look at me over his shoulder. That only strengthened whatever force was keeping me immobile.

Water dripped of the end of his moisture-spiked hair, running down his uncovered face. (In retrospect, I remember seeing the many bandages on the counter in my peripherals.) He was turned enough for me to take in the sharp shadows of his
jawline
, and the cupid’s bow of his lip, with water bouncing off them.

For me, it almost seemed in slow motion, I was stricken.

T
hink it’s a rare thing for someone to be so
stricken by another person. W
anted so badly to reach past the paint-splattered plastic to touch him, feel that water between my hands and his skin.

Just like when we were at the pool.
Before all these new injuries.
I have to explore them. Last time we were intimate, there were bandages hiding him. I want to see him.

I’m fascinated by his body
.

When he got out of the shower, the bandages were back, und
erneath his clothes as well. H
ad to fight the urge to rip them away from him.

D
on’t want him to hide anymore.

54 Days, 4 January, Sunday

Another lazy Sunday.
I’ve gotten used to having him around to just
lie around and be lazy with. T
hink that’s a sign you’re totally comfortable with someone, when you can just do nothing but enjoy the silence of one another’s company.

A
lso tried to catch Noah up on the school stuff we did before Christmas break. Not that I really needed to, I’m sure he could have done it by himself better than my pseudo-teaching.

He must have been humouring me, listening to me with all that attention.

T
hought more about
his body
today as well, regarding how I wan
t to see all of him at once. D
ecided these were perfectly normal feelings for a teenager of my age.

Another thing I’ve been thinking a while came to my attention today.
Just as we were going to bed,
thought I detected Tobias’ voice again.

Tobias hides behind Noah’s gaze, staring out at a world he is not allowed to be a part of. Maybe that’s why I’m always so affected by his steady stares. It’s like being double-stared.

Now that I know about Tobias, it almost hurts to look at Noah. Tobias’ existence seems doubly apparent when Noah is sleepy, or just waking up. Maybe Tobias has more control when Noah is closer to dreaming?

D
unno
, but it’s worth an investigation.

If I’m already in tune with Noah’s emotions, maybe, just maybe I can be in tune with his
dreams while he’s sleeping. W
ant to be able to establish a connection between the two of them,
so Tobias might be happier. T
hink he’s angry because he’s alone.

We’ll have to be touching though, while he’s sleeping. Flesh on flesh.
In a bed.
Sort of like that time before, except now I’m more aware of this tension.

Not that I’m altogether opposed to the idea of being naked in a bed with him.

It sounds pretty great, actually.

I’ve never actually slept fully naked before. Just with my shirt off. But this idea seems really appealing to me. I need to see Noah naked in a situation that doesn’t involve me bandaging his horrible wounds.

For him to be fully exposed to me, that would be amazing. The sort of thing I would draw if I had the ability.
Maybe in my next life.

My bed would be large enough for us both, if I held him all night. Plus, in my room, Terra is less likely to barge right in.

Now I just need to get him in here with
out coming off as a pervert. D
on’t think I actually want to
do
anything,
J
ust
want to sleep with him.

That sounds
pervy
still.

Sleep in the plainest sense of the word,
with no innuendos attached. W
ant to follow him into the dark, and guard him through his dreams. Lead him to his unknown brother.

If I can protect him in my waking life, I know I can protect him in the world of dreams too.

I’ve also noticed I haven’t been remembering things as clearly as before, so I haven’t been recording exact situations as much. Maybe my head will be clearer when school starts again. It gives me some structure to go around.

53 Days, 5 January, Monday

Ah the dreaded Monday. The day I had to say goodbye to Noah, and not see him again
for the rest of the evening. W
anted to wal
k him home, but he declined. T
hink he didn’t want to chance his father seeing me.

Ariel and Julia sat with us in Math today. Since it’s largely revision time, Math has become a predominantly work class. Both Ariel and Julia seemed happy to see us both there.

Noah smiled a little awkwardly, looking at me as if I was going to tell him he smiled properly for the girls. They seemed completely unabashed, and proceeded to barrage him with questions about all the confusing logarithms and angle
thingers
.

W
atched him explain all of the theories and concepts to them with a sort of glazed-over expression, worrying about when school would end, and him going home.

“-
ian
?”

S
napped out of my
drooly
reverie, looking at Julia, who asked me a
question.

“Don’t you think Noah should be a teacher?”

T
hought about that for a beat, and then nodded, smiling. “That would be perfect, wouldn’t it?”

Ariel nodded her approval, while Noah looked embarrassed and continued his long string of questions.

You know what? I know Ariel and Julia well enough they deserve descriptions.

Ariel has curly red hair, proper red hair, mind, not my weird orange. Her eyes are brown, and she has a lot of freckles. She always wears her uniform and has her accessories perfectly matched to her
hairband
. I also noticed she doesn’t wear the cute patent leathers I’d expect, but rock star-looking canvas sneakers. She’s the more gullible of the two, something it seems Julia takes full advantage of.

Julia is way taller than Ariel, and has long black
hair,
always up in a high ponytail. She wears glasses; really dorky looking big round ones that somehow
look
awesome on her. Unlike Ariel, her uniform is mostly in disarray, although she has several variants of it, with decidedly shorter skirts, and a more Japanese kind of schoolgirl
design. Julia is a very brash personality
.

W
onder what they’d do if they found me writing about them. Then again, I never considered what Noah would do if he knew.

Let’s not get into that. It’ll only make me more worried.

What if he doesn’t show up tomorrow? What will I do? Gah! Too many possibilities!

If he’s hurt… it’ll kill me. J
ust let him go this afternoon, I hardly tried to stop him. He’s going to get home, and have no idea who his father is.

This whole situation is stupid. Why is he going home to someone who hates him, and-
Grawr
!

I’m frustrated and worried, and just burned my toast.

Screw
it,
I’m going to bed.

52 Days, 6 January, Tuesday

I’ve never felt as heartsick as I do now.

Noah didn’t go home last night. He was sitting at the school entrance when I got there, and was wearing the same thing as yesterday.

W
ondered where he stayed, or if he slept outside. That’s a worrisome thought, even if the weather is a little warmer as of late. He looked eager to go inside with me, and smiled half-heartedly when we got in and settled in Physics.

T
urned around to face him when I registered we had nearly ten minutes to the bell. “W
here did you go last night?” D
ecided a blunt approach would be best. Maybe that’s manipulative because he never lies.

“I-” he began, his eyebrows cinching as he realised I caught on. “I went many places.”

Question dodge, well done.

“I mean, where did you sleep?”

Noah bit his lip, “In the small storage shed connected to the gymnasium. I did not want to go home.”

“You should have come home.”

“But-!”

“I mean, back home with me. You’re safe and warm there. Don’t you see it’s the best place for you to be? No one is going to hurt you there.”

“I can’t.”

“But-”

“A dilemma. An imperative decision between two undesirable alternatives.”

That stung. “You don’t… want to be with me?”

Noah sighed, “It’s not that. I don’t want to take a chance anymore. I was waiting until the last possible moment…”

“For what? To tell me that you don’t want to be around me for fear of involving me with your father?
Or your curse?
Well, that’s too damn bad, because I’m already involved. I’m not going to leave you alone to deal with anything ever again.”

“No.” he stood up, his hands at his sides, shaking. Then he put them on his desk to steady himself. “Stay away from me if you’re going to try and interfere.” Noah kept his gaze down, and I could almost hear a tremor in his voice. “I don’t want that man to ever see you, or for you to be hurt by being near me ever again. If that means I must be away from you, then so be it.”

C
ould feel my anger rising up in me, but I suppressed it, not wanting to direct it at him. It wasn’t meant for him, why should I direct it at him? “I won’t let you leave.” I stood up as well, making to reach for him, but he recoiled.

“Don’t. Let’s just go our separate ways.”

G
rabbed his hand, holding it between both of mine. “I’ll always be waiting.
Even if you forget me.
I told you before, I’m only yours.”

Noah actually looked at me then. The blue of his eye was exceptionally vibrant. “We cannot be friends anymore.” His long thin fingers wrapped around the smooth metal of my ring, pulling it off. Then he withdrew his hand, and grabbed his bag, hurrying out the door. Cool air spiked onto the skin my ring normally covered, enhancing the reality of its absence.

S
tumbled, leaning against the desk, trying not to totally freak out.
Julia and Ariel came into the classroom, talking amongst themselves.

“Aerian, good morning.” Ariel said, sitting down at her desk beside mine.

It took me a few seconds to work up a smile, something they both noticed.

“What’s wrong?” Julia asked, eying me critically.

“
Er
… it’s nothing. Don’t worry.” I grinned half-heartedly, and they exchanged glances, but didn’t press the issue.

F
elt sick to my stomach all day.

F
eel like I failed. I just wanted to save him, but the one thing that stopped me from doing just that was
him
. And he took my ring, the circle of infinity, to represent our friendship. He took it back.