In The Absence Of Light (42 page)

I scooted closer. “I wasn’t sure how you’d take it. You know, me asking—” My voice cracked, and I cleared my throat.  “Morgan Kade, it would be the greatest honor in the world if you would marry me.” He fell still for a moment, but any hope I had he might actually respond withered when he returned to watching that far-off place where the light held him prisoner and I had no ability to reach him.

I kissed his knuckles, his palm, I pressed his hand against my cheek. “I’m so sorry. I never meant for you to get hurt. I never thought—” Could I say that? Could I really say I never imagined he might get hurt, really hurt, or killed?  What if Jeff hadn’t lied? What if the people in business had decided to take me out? Why? Who knows? To make a statement? To make sure I never got back in business? I knew they didn’t need a reason. But logic told me I wasn’t worth the expense of getting the job done. After the long silence from the FBI, I’d assumed my secrets weren’t worth the taxpayer’s dollars either.

Now I knew differently. I had something that, for whatever reason, Hines had crossed the line between the good guys and the criminals. He’d become one of the monsters, and monsters didn’t work on logic.

“I was selfish, and I don’t deserve you. But I love you more than anything in this world.”

Could he even hear me?

I took the box out of my pocket. “I’ve got to make a trip, but I’m going to leave this here with Aunt Jenny. When I get back, if you’ll let me, I’ll put it on your finger.”

And what if I made it back to Durstrand and Morgan was still like this? A sob burst out of my chest, and I buried the tears in the blanket on his bed.

I should have cooperated and given the FBI what they wanted, but I didn’t and now Morgan was paying for it. Unfair wasn’t even a big enough word. My conscience held me accountable, even if my gut told me it wouldn’t have mattered what I’d done. Hines wanted something I had, and obviously he would do anything to get it. Hurt anyone. Even kill them.

And his reasons had to be personal because Sheriff Parks was right about one thing; Hines was taking a huge risk and stretching his reach to its breaking point.

After a while, I was empty of tears even though my heart continued to bleed.

Morgan whimpered, and I looked up. His wandering hand drifted from his temple to my face. He tapped a path down my cheek to my lip. For a moment, his touch lingered, then he withdrew again.

“I’ll be back soon.” I wiped my eyes and stood. “As soon as I can. As soon as this is over.” I kissed him on the forehead. “And I don’t care how long I have to wait for you, I’ll do it.”

I could only hope I wouldn’t make a liar out of myself.

*******

Jenny sat with Anne near the coffee machines. A younger woman sat with them. She didn’t carry the air of a nurse, and she lacked the stiffness of an attending doctor. Her clothes, a cross between medical and business suggested she held some other position at the hospital.

When she saw me, she nodded a hello and excused herself, leaving behind a folder in the middle of the table. I grabbed a quick cup of coffee while Anne and Aunt Jenny exchanged good-byes.

As I walked over, Anne gave Aunt Jenny a sad smile, squeezed her hand, then nodded at me. “It was good to get to officially meet you, Grant. I just wish the circumstances had been different.”

Who wouldn’t? We shook, and she left. I sat across the small table from Aunt Jenny who stared at the folder, frowning.

“What’s that?”

“Just some paperwork.”

Just paperwork didn’t normally make people look like they were about to cry. Definitely not people like Aunt Jenny. She held up her empty Styrofoam cup.  “You mind?”

“Go ahead.”

While she prepped herself a new cup of joe, I stared at the folder.  I had no right prying into anyone’s business but found my hand inching closer.

“Go ahead.” Aunt Jenny returned. “You can look.”

“What is it?” I pulled it over.

“It’s an information packet on Walnut Cove.”

It sounded like a vacation spot, but when I flipped aside the cover, I realized it was anything but. A shiny brochure showed the faces of disabled individuals, and several pieces of paper listed questions. Another sheet stated patient’s rights. A few more made a contract for admittance.

I stared at Aunt Jenny, and for the first time, she dropped her gaze. “It’s a just in case thing, Grant. I’m not signing anything.”

“And why the hell would you need a ‘just in case’ thing.”

“I think you know why.”

“He’ll be all right.”

She nodded. “I pray you’re right. But if he isn’t, he’s going to need round-the-clock care.”

“Who says?”

The precision with which she lowered her cup to the table, off to the side, was done with a robotic movement screaming of untapped anger. “If Morgan has regressed—”

“You don’t know that. Anne said herself, it would be a while.”

Aunt Jenny turned her cup one way then the next. It reminded me so much of something Morgan might do. It never occurred to me his reasons for rearranging his plate might be to get his temper under control. But unlike Morgan, Aunt Jenny wore her intentions loud and clear in her expression.

“I know what Anne said. And I know his chances are good. But if, God forbid, he doesn’t come back, he’s going to need someone to take care of him.”

“Then I’ll do it.”

“Grant.”

“I love him. I want to marry him.” I took the box out of my pocket and pushed it over to her. “I promised him as soon as I get back I’ll put that on his finger.”

“You’re thirty-six years old, Grant. If Morgan doesn’t come back, you will be spending the prime of your life caring for someone who is not the person you fell in love with.”

“Bullshit.”

Her mouth screwed up. “Grant, you have no idea how combative he can be. He could hurt you or himself.”

“I’ve lived with Morgan for almost six months. I think I know him pretty well.”

“You know the Morgan who isn’t trapped inside his head. You don’t know this Morgan. I do. I know what Lori went through. I know the hell it can be to work with someone as severely autistic as him.”

“Hell?” How could she think of using that word to describe Morgan?

“Yes. Hell. Because most days it’s a one-sided job, one that’s lonely and stressful. You lose your friends, your family, your life. The person you care for is the center of your world.”

“Because you love them.”

“Yes. But also because the rest of the world isn’t ready for them. I told you, Morgan lost friends, people who he thought he could count on. When he came back home after Dillon, the people who promised they would visit every day did, once or twice, and then never again.

“Seeing someone you love, so distant and lost that they fight you even to go to the toilet, it’s an ugly reality even the people who loved him couldn’t deal with.” She scrubbed a hand over her face.

“You’re talking about yourself, aren’t you?” The guilt in her eyes was all the answer I needed.

“I was among the herd, yes. I thought Lori had lost her mind when she brought him home as a baby, and I was definitely convinced she lost it when she brought him home a full grown man, trapped back in the prison he’d been born to.”

“But she helped Morgan excel, then she brought him back when he regressed,” I said. “If she can love him enough to make it happen, why can’t I?”

“Because love has nothing to do with it. If it did, every autistic child on this planet would excel like Morgan. The truth is, most don’t. Every instance of autism is different, and Morgan is a very rare case among a whole lotta other cases.”

“So you’re just writing him off.” I slapped the folder closed and shoved it at her. “You’re just going to lock him up somewhere so you won’t have to deal with him?”

“You listen here, Mr. Grant Kessler, don’t think I didn’t see how you looked at him when you walked in there. Don’t think I didn’t see the fear you felt. The revulsion.”

The heat rising in my cheeks fell somewhere around my ankles. I sipped my coffee, it burned my tongue, but the nerve endings in my body appeared to have died. The sour trail it left to my stomach suggested my taste buds had done the same.

Aunt Jenny was right. More than right. And if I truly thought about it, I had no idea how to deal with a normal illness, let alone something as complex as Morgan.

“Lori made him better.” It was all I had to defend myself with.

“Yeah.”

“How?”

“I don’t know. She was a very special person. Very unique. In some ways like Morgan because she understood him. I don’t know how, but she could reach him when no one else could. She worked with him every day, Grant. Every waking hour revolved around Morgan’s needs. Maybe it gave her an advantage when he regressed because the specialists begged her to put him in a home.”

“But she didn’t.”

“No. Lori gave the definition of stubborn a whole new twist. She was my sister and I loved her, but I won’t pretend to have ever truly understood her or be anything like her. I know I can’t handle Morgan, and I’m the only family he has.”

“What about me?”

“He loves you so much he would never forgive me if I asked you, let alone allowed you to.”

I drained my coffee cup. Anger and frustration turned it into a crumpled wad in my fist. Even when there was nothing left to crush, I still squeezed. From across the table, the folder mocked me.

“Are they going to be able to give him therapy?”

“Some.”

“Some?”

“Walnut Cove is mostly state funded. After Morgan’s bank account runs out, he’ll become a ward of the state and they’ll cover his care.”

“You think he’ll get what he needs in a state-funded facility?” He wouldn’t. Our government did a piss poor job of taking care of the veterans who sacrificed their body and mind for their country. I knew the kind of place Walnut Cove would be.

“It’s a clean facility. I went there once with Lori. Toured the whole place. They specialize in young people like Morgan. They even take them out into the community at least once a week.”

“But she didn’t leave him there.”

Aunt Jenny laughed a little. “Nope. She didn’t leave him there. And when they called to make sure she hadn’t changed her mind, she told them all the places she’d cram the phone if they dare contact her again.”

“If she didn’t want Morgan there, neither do I.”

“Grant—”

“What if he had home care?”

“You’re talking about a lot of money. Even what’s in Morgan’s account from that mess with the Day’s wouldn’t cover the cost for a year.”

“What if I paid for it?”

“Grant… I don’t think you realize how much—”

I took her hand and squeezed it. “It would be nothing to me.”

She searched my face. “He wouldn’t want you to do that.”

“Yeah, well, Morgan doesn’t always get what he wants. And honestly, this isn’t just about him.” Maybe I was hoping for atonement?

"You said you were going to put a ring on his finger when you got back.”

I sat back.

“Where are you going?”

I pushed aside the crumpled remains of the cup. “Chicago.”

“Why?”

“To do what I should have done months ago. Cooperate.”

“You’re talking about the FBI guy who was following you around a few months back.”

“In a roundabout way, yeah.”

“I thought he dropped his case.”

“I think he did, but his boss didn’t.”

“I don’t understand.”

The doors to the cafeteria opened and a small group of men and women came in. They chattered among themselves while they gathered up trays to enter the food line looking for all the world like high-schoolers getting ready to collect their lunch. Only it was the middle of the night, and they carried an air of fatigue only those who work relentlessly to save lives could wear.

“I think the FBI might have arranged for Dillon to disappear from prison.”

“What? Why?”

“Because they would have had access to his psych evaluation. They would have seen his obsessive behavior concerning Morgan. They would have known he would go after him.”

“That’s illegal.”

“Probably.”

“How could they do something like that? Who would let them do something like that?”

“Not everyone obeys the law, even the FBI.”

“Does Sheriff Parks know?”

“Yeah. I told him.”

“And?”

“He’s a sheriff of a small town; the FBI doesn’t have to answer to him.”

“Well, they have to answer to someone.” She hit the table with her fist.

“It’s supposed to work that way, but it doesn’t.” And never had in my experience.

Aunt Jenny stared at me. “I still don’t get it. Why would they want to hurt Morgan?”

“I called Jeff on his scare tactics. I raised the odds with my own. And I think it backfired.”