In the Arms of a Soldier (6 page)

“Taken advantage…of me?” I asked, confused.  I’d been lusting after Josh practically since the moment he arrived
home, and it wasn’t like I’d exactly pushed him out of my bed this morning.  We both knew exactly what was happening when our first kiss led to much, much more.

“You were upset and vulnerable.  I never should have let that happen.”

“Josh,” I started to say, but he cut me off again.

“
I should be looking out for you.  I should have last night, before that guy attacked you, and I should have this morning, too.”

“
Don’t I get any say in the matter?” I asked, suddenly feeling perplexed.  “It’s not like I was exactly fighting you off earlier.  Things have been different between us ever since you got back.  You think I’m the only one who changed while you were gone?  You’ve changed, too!”

“I suppose we both have.
  That didn’t give me the right to let things get carried away this morning though.”

“
Josh, seriously, I’m a grown woman.  I knew exactly what was happening and wanted it just as much as you did.  And what did you mean when you said that you’ve always wanted me?  I’ve known you my entire life.  Why didn’t you ever say anything before?”

Josh sighed
, not seeming to want to broach the subject.  “This year, last year, I don’t know.  It doesn’t matter now.”

“
So you wanted me then but don’t anymore?”

“No, it’s just—”

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” I repeated.

“You were happy with Mike—for a
long time anyway.  Then I was leaving, so it seemed pointless to bring it up.  You never even told me that you guys broke up.  I assumed you would end up marrying the guy.”

“And you were just going to let that happen—never telling me the way you really felt.”

“Maybe I should have; I don’t know.  But that has nothing to do with letting things get carried away between us earlier.  It never should have happened, simple as that.”

Suddenly the distance between Josh and me on the sofa
felt like it might as well have been miles rather than mere inches.  I’d already told Josh that I’d wanted this morning as much as he had, but he was still insisting that it was mistake.  Obviously he didn’t really feel the way that I did.  Caring about me at some point in our past, before he deployed to Afghanistan, didn’t mean he felt that way anymore.  Like we’d agreed, we both had changed.  “Fine,” I said angrily, standing up and letting the blanket fall to the ground.  “If you don’t want us to be together, then just say so.  I didn’t realize this morning was so terrible for you.”

“Jess, that’s not what I meant,” he said, getting to his own feet a
s I hurried down the hall.  Tears smarted my eyes, and whether Josh meant what he said or not, his rejection of our amazing morning together stung.  Maybe he really did feel guilty since we’d been friends for so long or he thought I didn’t know what I wanted.  Maybe he was just scared, but the last thing I wanted to hear right now was for the guy who’d just made love to me to say it had been one big mistake.

Josh caught up to me as I reached the doorway to my bedroom and gently grabbed my arm, his warm hand burning into my skin with his touch.
  “Jessica, that’s not what I meant,” he said softly, his voice deep.  “Of course I don’t regret being with you in that way—it was the best morning of my life.  I just want us to take things slowly.”

I sighed, but couldn’t bring myself to look at him. 
What guy in his right mind, who had already had sex with you, suddenly decided you needed to take things slowly?  I was pretty sure that was just guy speak for saying he’s not interested after all.  “Josh, it’s been a long day.  I just want to get some rest.”

“Aren’t you even going to look at me?’

I shook my head silently as a tear slipped down my cheek, and Josh turned me around so that I was facing him as I brushed it away.

“God, Jess, please don’t cry.”

I managed to look up at him and willed myself not to shed another tear.  “Let’s just talk about this tomorrow, okay?”

His
blue eyes filled with concern.  “I’m just messing this up more and more,” he muttered.

I gently extracted myself from his gri
p and stepped into my bedroom.

“Jess, wait,” he said, reaching out toward me.

“Goodnight,” I said sadly, closing the door as I stepped away from his grasp. How could a day that had started out so amazingly well have gone so horribly wrong?

I slept fitfully that
night, tossing and turning more over my troubles with Josh than the nightmare that had woken me the night before.  At one point I thought I heard Josh up as well, pacing in the hallway, but then I realized he was probably more exhausted than I was and certainly fast asleep.  I wasn’t sure how things had quickly gone so wrong between us.  Josh’s feelings for me seemed to have changed from red-hot to lukewarm at best.  But why the sudden one-eighty?  We’d moved full-speed ahead and Josh had suddenly put the brakes on anything else.  It was one thing to a take a new relationship slow from the get-go, but we’d already jumped in head first.  Not to mention that we’d know each other literally our entire lives—it would be hard to take anything much slower.

I
t would be really awkward to take a step back now and act like nothing had happened between us.  How could I look him in the eye across the breakfast table every morning knowing that we’d had sex?  Over and over again?  Although I loved having Josh as my roommate, I just didn’t see how we could work past this and pretend everything was back to normal.  I was sure we could salvage our friendship after a little time had passed, but living together would just be too painful.

I got up before my alarm, which was just as well because my shift started early at the hospital.  I quickly showered and dressed, deciding I’d buy a bagel and coffee on my way in to work.  I convinced myself it was because I needed to get there early, but let’s face it, I was also hoping to avoid seeing Josh first thing this morning.  I didn’t think I could
take it considering the amazing morning we’d had only one day before.

When I arrived in the ER
, I stuffed my purse and other belongings into my locker.  My coworker, Carrie, asked how my weekend and Josh’s homecoming was.  For a split second a feeling of panic washed over me, and then I realized she was simply asking how our reunion after his deployment had been.  I’d been telling everyone about our planned night out with friends on Friday to celebrate his return.  She had no idea what had passed between us and probably assumed I was happy to have my roommate and best friend home at last.  I gave a brief rundown of his return on Friday but focused mostly on recounting the details of Saturday night.

“Oh my God!” she squealed, looking absolutely horrified.  “You must have been terrified!  Thank God Josh was there to help you.  And they caught the guy?  Unbelievable!”  She was talking so loudly that a few more of my colleagues joined our conversation, and I found myself having to repeat the story.
  After answering questions for what felt like forever, I was finally able to start my shift.  At least the general craziness of the ER would keep me from having to think too much about the mess in my own life as I set about helping other people for the day.  I treated a child who’d broken her arm falling down the stairs and then helped a young woman having an asthma attack.  By the time late afternoon rolled around, I was exhausted.

I quickly check
ed my cell phone as I pulled my things from my locker and saw a text from Josh.

Going
for a jog.  Know you’re on shift now.  Dinner later?  Josh

I wasn’t sure if he’d bring his phone with him while
running but went ahead and typed a quick reply.

Sounds good.  See you soon.  Jess

I quickly showered when I got back to our apartment and wrapped myself in a towel before stepping out of the bathroom.  Josh wasn’t back yet, so I figured that I had plenty of time to get changed and ready before dinner because he’d want to shower and dress when he returned from his run.  I headed down the hall toward my room and almost bumped into Josh as he came out from his own bedroom.  He’d taken his shirt off and was wearing only his running shorts and sneakers as he headed to the bathroom.  I flushed at the sight of his bare chest and all the rippling muscles across his abdomen as I remembered kissing him up and down his six-pack yesterday morning.  I knew he’d only removed his shirt because he was getting ready to shower, but just the sight of him shirtless was getting me flustered.

“Hey,” he said softly, his voice deep.  “I’ll be ready in a few minutes if you want to eat soon.”

“Yeah, that sounds good,” I said, trying to remain focused on his eyes and ignore the wall of tanned, toned muscle in front of me.

“Jess,” he hedged, seeming ready to talk
right here in the hallway.

“I should get changed.”

“Yeah, right.  I’ll see you in a few.”

He turned to let me pass by, and I breathed a sigh of relief as I closed my bedroom door.  We definitely had to figure things out ASAP or this entire roommate situation
was going to kill me.  How often did people get lucky enough to fall for their best friend?  The chemistry we’d had together had practically blown my mind, and I was positive that Josh wouldn’t have taken things to the next level if he didn’t feel something for me, too.  If he regretted our sleeping together, though, I didn’t see how I could handle living with him anymore.  Even the thought of him with another woman made my stomach turn, and if we weren’t meant to be together, I didn’t want a front row seat to when he did eventually find “the one.”

I quickly dressed, pulling on a lacy white top that I knew Josh liked and low-slung jeans.
  We hadn’t even decided what we’d be having for dinner tonight, but I figured the point was more to clear the air between us than to worry about fine dining.  I couldn’t believe how nervous I felt as I padded down the hall barefoot to the kitchen.  I poured myself a glass of wine and then grabbed a pizza menu from the drawer beside the fridge.  Although a part of me was feeling too nervous to eat at the moment, I knew eventually that I’d want dinner.  And Josh, being Josh, was probably already starving.  I didn’t have any cash on me so I decided to go grab a credit card from my purse to place an order over the phone.

I started to head out of the kitchen
and stopped short at the sight of Josh two feet away.  His large frame filled the hallway, his tee shirt tight as the muscles bulged beneath the soft cotton.  But all I could really focus on were his blue eyes, gazing down at me in the dim light.  My heartbeat sped up and lower lip trembled as he took a step closer.  I backed up, the counter pressing against my waist, wanting to both run away and run into his arms at the same time. “Jess,” he whispered, his voice soft.  The air between us grew thick as he leaned down, and I could smell the clean scent of soap on his skin.  His face came closer, and as I blinked back the tears that were springing to my eyes, his soft lips finally met mine.

I kissed him back, holding him to me as our kiss seemed to continue on forever.
  When at last we came up for air, he placed his hands on the counter on either side of me, effectively boxing me in.  I could practically feel the heat radiating off his body as I looked up into his eyes.

“I tho
ught you said we were a mistake,” I said.

“Not us, Jess, just rushing into things the way we did. 
I didn’t want you to think I was taking advantage of you yesterday.”

I sighed. 
“I like that you can be protective of me, but I’m a big girl, Josh.  I knew what I was doing.”

“I know.  Watching that guy grab you the night before, thinking that he might hurt you—I guess it just made me realize how much you really mean to me.
  Yesterday morning was amazing, but I just wanted to make sure you felt the same way as I did.”

I reached up and caressed his arm, running my fingers over the hard muscles of his bicep. 
It was hard to imagine this amazing man before me was Josh, the guy I’d grown up with and been best friends with my entire life.  Josh reached up and stroked my cheek, his other hand gently resting on my waist.

“The truth is, I think I’ve had feelings for you for a while
,” I said. “Mike and I broke up because things weren’t working between us anymore.  Obviously.  But part of that reason things weren’t working was because of you.”

“Me?” he asked, confused.

“Mike didn’t like how close we were,” I said with a shrug.

Josh sighed, closing his eyes as he let my confession sink in.  “Is that why
you didn’t tell me that you and Mike broke up?”

“Maybe,” I said, shaking my head.  “I don’t know.  I needed time to sort things out.  But I can tell you that the moment you walked in the door the other day, I couldn’t get you out of
my mind.  Maybe yesterday morning was impulsive and wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t ended up in my bedroom the night before.  But this is us that we’re talking about.  We’re perfect together, and I’m pretty sure that sooner or later it was inevitable.”