In The End (Butterfly #1) (10 page)

‘Where to next, sir?’ I tipped my invisible hat, leaning in to hold Nicholi, wanting to cherish every moment of this night with him.

‘Back to the apartment to change and then part two shall commence,’ he confirmed, and I interrupted.

‘To change? I didn’t bring anything with me?’ I was puzzled by the mention of clothing I knew I did not have when Nicholi interjected.

‘My mother partook in a little retail therapy today. She has great taste so I’m sure you won’t be disappointed,’ he explained, reaching to kiss my now frozen hand. ‘We need to get you some gloves,’ he mused, pulling my hand into his pocket as we walked back to the car.

‘No, I’m fine, this is so much better,’ I confirmed, tightening my grip on his hand, entwining my fingers within his and never wanting to be parted.

We arrived at Nicholi’s apartment around fifteen minutes later and after greeting the doorman, we entered the building taking the elevator to the fiftieth floor. Remembering our first elevator ride made me feel giddy with desire and reciprocating my feeling exactly, Nicholi pulled me into his arms, our bodies entwined when the peal of the bell once again abruptly ended that blissful moment.

Opening the door and placing his keys on the sideboard, I got my first glimpse at the apartment. From the window, I could see Times Square with its usual hustle and bustle of people, clearly not put off by the freakishly cold weather. The chill off the river penetrated your bones like no other, turning water to ice without a second glance. The rest of the apartment was modern with the emphasis on convenience, as any city dweller would desire.

Nicholi led me into the master bedroom and awaiting me, resting on the bed, was a box.

‘I hope you like it,’ Nicholi whispered as I pulled the scarlet ribbon away and lifted the lid. The gown was stunning, a silk, fitted V-shaped bodice with intricate crystals sparkling amongst the red fabric, the skirt fitted to the calf with a small train at the back.

‘Wow, this is amazing, I love it.’ I marvelled at his mother’s choice, pulling the dress against me, surveying myself in the vanity mirror.

‘I won’t be able to take my eyes off you, not that I would ever want to,’ Nicholi’s voice was husky and seductive as he leant in to kiss my neck, leaving me to get dressed. I showered quickly, not wanting to keep him waiting too long, rubbing the scented coconut moisturiser over my body and slipped into the underwear his mother had also purchased. Thank goodness she had as my under garments would not remotely have done this dress justice.

I applied some basic make up that I had brought with me and finished the look with some red lip gloss before going in search of Nicholi. I found him admiring the view and gasped at his transformation into a dinner suit, looking dreamier than ever. He turned around to face me, his eyes brimming with love and I felt my heart flutter then recede, knowing how much pain I would inflict on us all later, but for now this was our moment and I would cherish this forever.

‘You look breath-taking.’ Nicholi pulled me into his arms. ‘I am the luckiest man alive,’ he proclaimed, tracing every last curve that the dress most definitely emphasised and sending my blood pressure soaring.

‘We had better leave.’ I untangled myself reluctantly from him and led him to the door; seemingly, he had other ideas as well.

‘If we must, but later…’ he paused, and I smiled seductively.

‘Later.’ My body pulsing with desire in anticipation.

I hadn’t thought to ask where we were going, assuming it was a fancy Manhattan restaurant where I wouldn’t have a clue what was on the menu and would graciously ask Nicholi to order for me, when the car pulled to a halt and my heart stopped.

‘My favourite performance of Swan Lake is in town,’ he confirmed, opening the car door and taking my hand in his. ‘Is this okay?’ he questioned, my heart still refusing to resume service, my body only moving with the pressure of his pulling.

‘I, I… I’m sorry,’ was all I could muster. There was supposed to be more time, I was not ready, yet once again life had twisted the knife and determined its own agenda and this was playing out right now.

‘Sophia, wait.’ Nicholi’s voice was a mere whisper as I ran as fast as I could in any direction as long as it was far away from there. I had no clue where I was, just running until my legs could not take it anymore. My extensive training as a ballet dancer had assured me immense physical fitness, but the lack of any movement for the past five years had taken its toll on my body; refusing to cooperate in my escape any further it ceased, and I stopped, gasping for air, my lungs frost-bitten, my heart dead.

‘Sophia, please, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…’ Nicholi was rambling incoherently, out of breath also and I turned, it was now, the end was now.

‘You don’t understand,’ I yelled. ‘That’s why I wasn’t there to protect them, they are all dead.’ I was screaming inside and out, everything I had held in for so long was leaching out without restraint. ‘I killed my family.’ With that revelation, my knees buckled, and I collapsed to the floor, wailing as I had done that night five years ago tomorrow.

I sat in a heap on the ground, my throat red raw from crying, my head throbbing in unison. Unable to conceal and support the weight of what I had kept hidden for so long, my body shutting down, there was nothing left to give. I felt Nicholi’s arms around me, lifting me into his body and just succumbed to him without restraint, resting my head on his chest as he carried me back to the apartment. Once inside he laid me on the bed and returned with hot lemon tea, both of us slowly drying from the rainstorm we had been caught in. I did not say anything for the longest time, couldn’t, the words would not form, it was Nicholi who broke the silence.

‘Sophia, please talk to me, say something, anything, I just need to hear your voice, please.’ His voice broke, and I lifted my eyes to meet his, the tears mingling on his face with the water dripping down from his hair. I got up from the bed, reached for a towel off the bathroom rail, and handed it to him before standing at the door, ready to exit, after I would deliver the last blow.

‘On October the 8
th
2009 I lost everyone and everything I had ever loved and cared about. My world ended that day, as did I, and I never thought I would ever feel or deserve to feel anything ever again, that was until I met you. I need you to come with me now; I want you to meet my family.’

No amount of money I had spent on therapy had ever truly helped me as Nicholi had. I felt alive with him for the first time in five years. My heart was beating again; the blood was circulating through my twisted veins, carrying life throughout my body. Telling him meant ending that, how could he ever want me again after what I had to say, yet there was no other way and my body was fighting me, not wanting to endure another day of the so-called life we had for the last five years.

That was how it should be though, I deserved nothing more, I was meant to die that day and instead in a twisted change of fate, they did. This was my punishment, I just prayed he would recover; I could not bear inflicting any more pain on him than I was about to.

‘Where are we going?’ Nicholi asked, his expression unreadable, eyes glassy, looking at me in trepidation.

‘It’s not far, but we need to leave now.’ I knew that it had to be now, I couldn’t control this anymore, we were too close, things were going to change tonight, and they couldn’t with the weight of what I was carrying crushing me with every opportunity.

We arrived at our destination and I could see Cross sitting in his car as I pulled up behind him. He had mentioned at dinner with Mia that he was travelling to the city for work. Nicholi shot a glance my way after seeing Cross parked, but did not question me further.

‘Sophia, please do tell me why I am here in the middle of the night. Wow, where have you two been?’ Cross exclaimed, eyeing my dress and Nicholi’s dinner suit with curiosity. ‘Why the cryptic text messages, what’s going on?’ he pushed, getting more impatient by the second.

‘Come, I need to show you both something, then I will explain everything.’ Pushing open the car door, I led the two men down the narrow path that I had taken so many times before; I could anticipate every crack and crevice even under the dark moonlit night. I looked up just as a cloud obscured the moon, pushing us into complete blackness for a second and I recoiled, knowing the pain I was about to inflict on us all, squeezing the air out of my lungs, but resistance was futile, there was no other choice.

We turned the corner and fumbling in my handbag for the key, I heard murmurs from behind me. I turned to face them as I slipped the key into the lock and opened the side gate forwards. Cross froze, realising where we were, but Nicholi was blank, it was as though I had left him behind back at the ballet, and I ushered them both forwards to reach our destination.

‘My birth name was Caitlan Thomas and I would like you both to meet my family. This is my mother, Sabine Thomas, my brother Seth, my sister and baby JC.’ I stumbled, feeling like I was being choked. I reached to my neck, pushing away invisible shackles. ‘They were all murdered, shot dead today at five o’clock, five years ago.’ I slowly turned around to read the faces of the two men I had brought here, never having showed anyone the grave of my family since the day I buried the three coffins and scattered my mother’s ashes.

‘Sophia, oh my god I’m so sorry, I don’t know what to say.’ Cross’s voice was raw with emotion and I hated that I would be breaking his heart with the information I was about to part with, but knew there was no other way. I reached down, removed the bracelet off my ankle, and turned to face him, taking his hand in mine.

‘Cross, I never thought I would find you, to be able to explain.’ I could not see him for the tears blinding my eyes, so I closed them, just needing to get the words out before I couldn’t any longer. ‘You gave this to Lexi; I know she would have wanted you to have it.’ I placed the bracelet in his hands and waited for his thought process to reach the point where he would realise, knowing how much the realisation would feel when it hit him I reached and wrapped my arms around him. ‘I’m so sorry, Cross.’ That was all I managed to say when he pulled away, shock, fear, rage and realisation flickering in his eyes initially then blazing, like a fire after a backdraft event.

‘No, it cannot be, please, Sophia, it is not true, I cannot, and it is not…’ Cross couldn’t form the words and I had to fill them in, I owed him that.

‘She was to meet you that evening for the first time, after talking online with you for the past two years, she couldn’t contain her excitement. They were all waiting for me at the restaurant while I was auditioning for the ballet company. I could not get a cab, the weather was atrocious, more snow than I had ever seen. I was late and I could not reach them on the phone, no one was answering.

‘The road had been closed off and there were police everywhere, I thought someone political was in the area or something and snuck through the barrier. The restaurant lights were out in the distance and I ran as fast as I could, realising it was closed off. I thought maybe there had been an argument or something with one of the customers when my feet crunched on the broken glass. The windows were no longer there. I ran for the door and was grabbed by a police officer, he would not let me go in, I was screaming, where were my family, what was happening?’ I stopped, I was reliving the night as I had every night in my dreams since then, only this time it was not just me hurting. Nicholi was ashen, I could see he was barely breathing and began to walk to him, but I froze. I needed to finish.

‘The police officer told me that a fight had broken out in the restaurant and people had started shooting, my family were caught in the crossfire and they had all been killed.’ I collapsed onto the floor; my heart stopping like it had that very night. Cross and Nicholi were at my side, but it was Cross who had pulled me into his arms and was holding me while we both cried for all those that we had loved and for all that could have been. Movement from behind startled me and brought me back to the present.

‘Caitlan, you cannot be in here at this time of night, my boss is going to be pissed I gave you a key, please, you have to leave.’ Marcel, a humble kind-hearted man had cut me a key so I could visit whenever I wanted. He was the grave digger at the service and I would never forget how he shed tears for strangers he did not know as he placed the coffins in the ground, taking the small coffin from my hands as he lowered it down to join the rest of my family.

‘I am sorry, Marcel, we will leave now. Thank you for your kindness,’ I gushed, pulling myself up to stand, my legs barely able to hold me as the three of us walked slowly back to the car in silence.

Nicholi drove us to the apartment; Cross abandoned his car at the cemetery and was turning round and round the initial on the bracelet I had given him, the letter L, his love, Lexi.

‘Do you have a picture? We never shared them, wanting to wait to see each other for the first time in person,’ Cross almost whispered, not lifting his gaze from the bracelet in his hand. I pulled my wallet out and unzipped the secret compartment that housed all my family pictures.

‘Here, I have more at my grandmother’s house, along with the letters and emails you exchanged. She kept them all.’ I presented him with a picture of my sister and me. Cross’s startled look made me pause and then the realisation swept in.

‘You were twins?’ he questioned, looking me in the eyes, the pain radiating out from his every fibre.

‘Yes, identical.’ I could not say anything more and just stared out of the window the rest of the way back to the apartment. The New York skyline to the left was hovering under an ominous haze, sweeping across it as though it knew what was in store for me and was readily preparing.

Nicholi still had not spoken a word, and I barely heard him exit the car to open my door for me, reaching out his hand, visibly shaking. I took his hand in mine and our fingers entwined as they had done the first time, my body reacting with his touch, the longing setting in and I broke free, I should not be feeling this way, I did not deserve it. Looking back at the crumpled mess of Cross was evidence enough. After opening the door for us all, Nicholi had gone to the mini bar and poured three shots of bourbon, downing his within seconds and handing the remaining two off without words. I tried to catch a glimpse of his eyes, there was nothing there, just blank hollow stares escaped them. It was the least I deserved, and I swished the gold liquid around the glass aimlessly before putting it to my mouth and swallowed it whole.

I despised the taste of it generally, but somehow its harshness resonated with the rawness of my throat, creating a harmony, as it numbed everything into submission. Cross, not satisfied with his quota, grabbed a bottle and began chugging it back unrestricted by portion size.

I had seated myself on the nearest chair and just flopped back, my body weightless and empty, not noticing Nicholi perching in front of me until the sound of his voice beckoned me back from oblivion.

‘Sophia, there is something I have to tell you, about that night.’ Nicholi paused and my eyes shot up to his face, trying to desperately read his expression, seeing nothing but torture etched across his face.

‘I don’t understand. You knew what happened. Why didn’t you say anything?’ The stark realisation that indeed he had existing knowledge concerning my family terrified me and I did not know why. I waited with bated breath for him to fill the blanks.

‘I knew you weren’t ready, I had to wait until you could open yourself to me.’ The expression on my face made Nicholi pause, I was seething, it sounded like something one of the many psychologists I had seen would have said to me, not my lover.

‘I need to say this and then there is nothing between us that can whittle its way in, destroying us in its silence. Sophia, that night I was there.’ I gasped, shaking my head, this could not be happening, I was the one with the hidden secrets, not Nicholi, he had been open with me from the start, or so I thought.

‘You were there? I don’t understand.’ I was starting to get angry, he was not explaining quickly enough, and the alcohol had gone to my head, agitating the patience that was now threadbare

‘My grandfather, the man you met at the hospital, was still in charge of the family at that point. Remember the story I told you with the war of the families? That night was about taking over new territory and my grandfather obtaining it by any means necessary.’ Tears were forming in Nicholi’s once empty eyes, I resisted the strong urge to reach and caress his face, moving my hands to shield them away, knowing after he had finished we may never be the same again.

‘The owner of the restaurant was refusing to sign up with my grandfather’s, protection team and he had to be taught a lesson. A team went there that night, my grandfather called them, the cleansers, they would destroy, pillage and kill anything or anyone that got in their way, but this night was different. I had heard rumours of the plan and headed out after them, knowing that the restaurant could be open with innocent people at risk.

‘The weather was horrendous and I could not get a cab so ran as fast as I could, sneaking into the backdoor of the kitchen before it happened.’ Nicholi stopped to take a swig of the bourbon Cross had cast aside after having his fill, both of us screaming inside for Nicholi to finish, yet neither one of us wanting to hear the words.

‘One of the bastards had dragged your sister into the far corner of the room, I couldn’t see her face and your brother was trying to shield her. They were too far away for me to reach. Your mother saw me in hiding and gestured for me to take the baby that was still sleeping in the baby seat. She ran out of her chair towards them, screaming and yelling to create a diversion and I knew it was now or never, waiting until they were completely distracted; I grabbed the baby and ran. I swear I could not get to the rest of your family, I tried to think of every possible scenario, but taking the baby to safety was all I could manage before it was too late. I am so sorry, Sophia.’ Nicholi could not take the strain any longer and just curled up in a ball, crying like I had so many nights, for the loss of my family, baby JC, and now he was telling me that he had escaped.

‘What did you do with JC, where is he?’ I was screaming, this could not be happening. Nicholi rose suddenly, knocking the bottle of putrid bourbon over and it set sail from the bottle, soaking into the luxurious beige carpet, darkening every layer of pile on its way.

‘He is safe; I have protected him my whole life waiting until I could find you and bring you back together. I searched for you for so long, and then you found me.’ I lunged forward, grabbing hold of Nicholi’s shirt, the fabric straining against the force of my pull.