In the Heat of the Spotlight (15 page)

‘What happened?’ Aurelie whispered.

‘She was hysterical at first. She’d just found out about another of my father’s mistresses. He always had some bimbo on the side, which is why I’ve been a bit more discerning with my own relationships. I saw what it did to my mother. Anyway—’ he shrugged, as if shaking something off ‘—she sat me down in the living room, told me she loved me. I’d always been the closest to her, really. And then she said she was sorry but she couldn’t go on, dwindling down towards death while my father flaunted his affairs.’ Luke paused, and Aurelie could see how he was gripped by the force of such a terrible memory. ‘I didn’t realise what she meant at first. Then it hit me—she was actually going to kill herself. She’d gone upstairs, and I ran after her, but the door was locked.’ He shook his head. ‘I tried to reason with her. I pleaded, I shouted, I even cried. But all I got was silence.’

‘Oh, Luke.’ Tears stung her eyes as she imagined such a terrible, desperate scene.

‘I tried to break the door open, but I couldn’t. I
couldn’t
.’ His voice broke, and Aurelie felt something in her break too.

‘I believe you,’ she whispered.

‘In the end I called 911 but it was too late. She’d slipped into a coma by the time the medics arrived, and she died later that night, from a drug overdose. Anti-depressants.’

Oh, God. So much made sense to her now. She blinked, swiped at her eyes. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘So am I. I’m sorry I’ve let that whole awful episode define and cripple me for so many years. My father blamed me, you see, and so I blamed myself. He said I could have saved her, that I was the only one, that I should have done something. For so long I believed him. I told myself I didn’t, but inside? Where it counts? I did. I spent years trying to earn back his trust and respect. His love. And he died without ever giving it to me.’ Luke drew a deep breath, met her gaze with a stony one of his own. ‘I should have told you this before. I thought it didn’t matter, that I’d put it all behind me, but I’ve been doing the same thing with you, haven’t I? I even told you I was. I was trying to earn your trust. I was trying to save you and I can’t.’

‘I don’t want you to save me,’ Aurelie whispered.

‘Then what do you want, Aurelie? Because I’m done with trying to prove myself. You’re either in or you’re out. You either love me or you don’t.’

Love.
She swallowed, her mouth dry, her heart pounding like crazy. ‘Luke—’

‘I love you. Do you love me?’

Yes.
She wanted to say it, felt it buoy up inside her, the pressure building and building, but no words came out. She was still so afraid. Afraid of losing herself, giving up control—

‘I see,’ Luke said quietly.

‘It’s not that simple,’ she whispered.

Luke stared at her for a long moment. He looked so unyielding, yet a bleak sorrow flickered in the dark depths of his eyes. ‘Actually,’ he said, ‘it is.’

Without another word, he turned and walked out of the room.

* * *

The flight back to New York was a blur, as was the drive up to Vermont. Aurelie arrived back at her grandma’s house twenty-four hours after she’d left Tokyo. Left Luke, and her heart with him.

She dropped her bags by the door and walked through the rooms like a sleepwalker. She’d only been gone a little less than two weeks, yet it felt like forever. She’d lived a lifetime in the space of ten days. Lived and died.

For she was back exactly where she’d started, where she’d been stuck for years. Alone, hopeless, unable to change.

Just the memory of the hard, blazing look on Luke’s face as he asked her if she loved him made her cringe and want to cry. She’d been too much of a coward to admit the truth, to take that leap.

She’d failed him, and failed herself. Fear rather than trust—
love
—had guided her actions.

In her more rational moments she convinced herself that it really was better this way, that Luke would be better off with someone more like him. Someone steady and balanced, who didn’t drag a lifetime of emotional baggage behind her.

Yet in the middle of the night when her bed felt far too empty, when she stared at her guitar or piano and couldn’t summon the will to play, when every colour seemed to have been leached from the landscape of her life, she thought differently. She thought she might do anything to get him back, to have the chance to tell him that she loved him and was willing to take that risk, that he didn’t have to earn anything because she’d give it all to him, gladly. So gladly.

Two weeks after she’d returned someone rang her doorbell, which was surprising in itself because she received pretty much zero visitors. She opened it, her heart lurching when she saw the familiar figure standing on her front porch.

‘Luke—’

‘Sorry. I know I must be a disappointment.’

The man in front of her wasn’t Luke, but he looked a lot like him. His eyes and hair were a little lighter, but he had the same tall, powerful frame, the same wry smile.

‘I’m Chase,’ he said, and held out his hand. ‘Chase Bryant.’

‘You like to cook,’ Aurelie said dumbly, because she was so surprised and that was the only thing she could remember. No, there was something else.
Chase checked out.

‘I do make a mean curry.’ He raised his eyebrows. ‘Luke’s been talking about me, huh?’

‘A little bit.’

‘May I come in?’

He sounded so much like Luke that her eyes stung. Wordlessly Aurelie nodded and led him through the front hall to the kitchen. ‘Do you want something to drink? A coffee or tea?’

‘I’m good. I know you’re wondering why I’m here.’

‘I’m wondering how you even know who I am.’

Chase smiled wryly. ‘That part’s not so hard. The fame thing’s a bitch though, I’m sure.’

She raked a hand through her hair. ‘Oh. Right.’

‘I saw Luke back in New York. He’s not looking so good.’

That probably shouldn’t have lifted her spirits, but it did. ‘No?’

‘No. In fact, he looks like crap and I told him so.’ Chase paused. ‘He told me about you.’

Aurelie stiffened. ‘What exactly did he tell you?’

‘Not much. And not willingly. I’ve gone pretty emo since I’ve become engaged, but Luke’s still working on getting in touch with his feelings.’

She laughed, surprising herself because she hadn’t laughed for so long. Since Luke. ‘So what did he tell you?’

‘That it didn’t work out.’

‘It didn’t.’

‘Yeah, I kind of figured that one out.’ Chase took a step towards her. ‘The thing is,’ he said, and now he sounded serious, ‘I’m in love with this amazing woman, Millie. And I almost completely blew it because I was afraid. You know the whole relationship/love/commitment thing is kind of big.’

‘Yeah.’ She took a deep breath, let it out slowly. ‘It is, isn’t it?’

Chase smiled at her gently. ‘What exactly are you afraid of, Aurelie?’

‘Everything,’ she whispered and blinked hard.

‘Are you afraid Luke will leave you? Hurt you? Because that was my thing. But maybe yours is something else.’

She glanced down. ‘I don’t think he’ll mean to.’

‘But you still think he will?’

She looked up, her eyes filled with tears. ‘I’m just so afraid that I can’t change.’

Chase tilted his head, regarded her quietly. ‘How do you want to change?’

She sniffed. Loudly. ‘I was in a relationship before and when it ended I...I was wrecked. Completely wrecked. I spun out of control and I can’t stand the thought of that happening again, of losing myself again—’

Chase laughed softly, a gentle sound without any malice. ‘Sweetheart, we’re all afraid of that. That’s what happens when you love someone, when you give everything. If Millie ever left me I’d be lost, completely lost.’

‘Then how—’

‘Because,’ Chase said simply, ‘life with her is worth any possible risk. But I’ll admit, it took me a while to realise that. And maybe,’ he added quietly, ‘it will be different this time with you. Knowing Luke, I’m pretty sure it will.’

She sniffed again. Nodded. Because she knew Luke, and he was nothing
, nothing
like Pete Myers. And she was nothing like the way she’d been with Pete. With Luke she was different, new,
changed
.

She
had
changed. Why hadn’t she believed it in the critical moment? Why had she blanked and backed away, defaulting to her old self?

She glanced sadly at Chase. ‘I think it might be too late.’

He shook his head. ‘I was just with Luke. Trust me, it’s not too late.’

* * *

Two days later Aurelie stood in front of the renovated warehouse that housed Luke’s new enterprise. Chase had told her that after resigning from Bryant’s Luke had formed his own charitable foundation. She’d been surprised, and also pleased for Luke. He had never seemed like he actually enjoyed working for Bryant’s.

And now she was here in lower Manhattan, terrified. Trying to change.

Taking a deep breath she opened the warehouse’s heavy steel door and stepped into the building. The space was basically just one cavernous room, with folding chairs and stepladders and sheets of plastic all over the place. A young, officious-looking woman bustled towards her.

‘May I help?’

‘I’m looking for Luke Bryant—’

The woman’s eyes widened in recognition. ‘Are you—’

‘Yes. Do you know where I can find Luke?’

Her eyes still wide, the woman nodded and gestured towards a door in a corner of the warehouse. Taking another deep breath Aurelie headed towards it.

Luke’s back was to her as she opened the door. He was scanning some blueprints. ‘Is that lunch?’ he asked without looking up.

‘Sorry, I don’t have any sandwiches.’

Luke glanced up, everything about him stilling, blanking as he gazed at her. Aurelie tried to smile. ‘Hi.’

‘Hi.’

She couldn’t tell a thing from his tone. ‘I like the name,’ she said, pointing to a sign on the door.
The Morpho Foundation.
‘Reminds me of a really great date I went on, when this butterfly landed in my hair and I kissed a man and it felt like the first real kiss I’d ever had.’

A muscle flickered in Luke’s jaw and he dropped his gaze. ‘Morpho is the Greek word for change, and this foundation’s all about change.’

She swallowed. ‘Change is good.’

He glanced up at her, and she saw that something had softened in his face. ‘But yeah, it’s about the butterfly too.’ He paused, and one corner of his mouth quirked the tiniest bit upwards. ‘And the kiss.’

It was more than enough of an opening. ‘I miss you, Luke. I’m sorry I messed up so badly. I panicked and I acted on that panic instead of trusting you like I should have.’

He shook his head slowly, and Aurelie’s heart free-fell towards her toes. ‘I messed up too. I should have told you what was going on in my mind. The stuff about my mother. I just hadn’t put it all together until that moment.’

‘And I was so wrapped up in my own pain and past that I didn’t think about yours.’ She managed a smile. ‘I thought you had it all together.’

‘So did I.’

‘I’m sorry about your mom,’ Aurelie said quietly. ‘I can’t imagine how hard that must have been.’

‘It wasn’t easy.’

‘I like the idea behind your foundation.’ She’d read online that the foundation would be supporting children of parents in crisis. Like a mom with cancer.

‘You gave me the idea, actually.’

‘Me?’

‘I thought about how alone you were, at such a young age. If you’d had one stable adult in your life things might have turned out differently for you.’

She nodded slowly. ‘They might have.’

‘Anyway—’ Luke shrugged ‘—there’s a lot of work to do before this thing is even off the ground.’

‘Still, I’m glad you’re doing it.’ They both lapsed into silence then, and Aurelie’s heart started thudding. Again. She’d thought they were getting there, working towards one another, but Luke still looked terribly remote. He didn’t move towards her even though she desperately wanted him to. She wanted him to take her in his arms and kiss her, tell her it was all going to work out.

She wanted him to do all the work.

And suddenly she got it. This wasn’t about Luke having to prove himself or earn anything from her. She gave it all freely, because she knew this man, and she loved and trusted him so much.

‘I’m sorry for walking out on you in Tokyo,’ she said. Luke didn’t answer. ‘You thought I didn’t trust you and I can see how you would think that. How it looked that way. But the truth is I didn’t trust myself. I was protecting myself, because I was so afraid of feeling like I did before. Out of control. Lost.’

‘You’d only feel that way if I left you, if I let you down.’

‘No. I never thought you’d let me down. I just...I saw you looking tense and angry with Aaron, and I knew he was probably telling you to forget me—’

‘And you thought I’d listen?’

‘No. But just the possibility had me panicking, and that scared me. I felt out of control already, and I didn’t want that. But the thing I’ve finally realised—at least I’m starting to—is that love
requires
a loss of control. A giving of trust. And I was fighting against that because it still scared me.’

Luke was silent for a long moment. ‘And now?’ he finally asked.

‘I’m still scared,’ Aurelie admitted. ‘I wish I wasn’t, but I am. This is all terrifying for me, and I’ll probably panic again. But I know I’m miserable without you, and I want to make this work. I want to be with you...if you still want to be with me.’ Luke didn’t say anything, and so she kept speaking, the words tumbling from her mouth, her heart. ‘I know I’ll mess up again, and I’ll probably even hurt you. We’ll hurt each other but I won’t run away and I’ll keep trying to change. It’s a process.’ She pointed to the foundation’s sign. ‘A metamorphosis takes a little time, you know.’

‘I know. You’re not the only one who needs to change.’

She swallowed, made herself say the hardest and most vulnerable words of all. The most changing. ‘I love you, Luke.’

He didn’t speak and Aurelie felt dizzy with nerves. Maybe she needed to check her blood sugar. ‘Say something,’ she managed, ‘or you might have to dunk me in the sink a second time.’