In the Rearview (12 page)

A faint murmur

Is all I hear

Shapes are all I see

Blurred into

A sea of colors

A background

Nothing to focus on

Distracted

Disjointed

Unprepared

Too much going on

Inside my head

To try to

Pay attention

Every time I meet someone

I start to wish and dream

I can see the future

In their eyes

I always jump to deem

He's the one this time

The one who'll understand

And he always is

At first

I can see it working

A hopeless romantic

I know I am

The problem is

With being this way

It shields you from reality

It makes you blind

To what goes on

And when it ends

It's such a shock

I never see it coming

Then I move on

And find someone new

It starts all over again

I fall in love

Too fast too hard

It's something I can't change

It's who I am

Love me for me

Just how I am

And now that I've met you

Once again I wish and dream

This could be the one

I'll try to be careful

I don't want to scare you away

Don't want to get hurt

As I often do

But I'm so excited

I hope that this could work

But if it doesn't

I know there is

Someone out there for me

I know that there is hope

And I'll never give up

But that's the

Hopeless romantic in me

I look up at the moon

And wonder

Are you looking up

At the same moon

Are you thinking of me

While I think of you

Is your heart

Missing mine

Do you reach for me

As I reach for you

Does this moon

Shine upon your loneliness

Highlight your despair

Do you want me back

As I want you tonight

I can't stay like this

Miserable

Missing you

Alone

Depressed

And in bed

I can't stay lonely forever

I have to try

To move on

No matter how much

It breaks my heart

Yes I used to do that

Yes it's in my past

I cannot change it

I cannot take it from my history

So take it for what it is

If you hate it

Then you do

I cannot take it back

But even if I had that choice

I don't know what I would do

It has made me

Who I am

Inside

It is a part of my past

Yes I used to cut

I used to hurt myself

I cannot take it back

I cannot change it

But when you say you love me

You say you love all of me

My present

And my past

I watch as rain falls

As it turns to snow

Freezes time

I keep watching

As it eventually melts

Bringing back

What once was dead

Sweet smells return

Colors are bright

Heat grows around us

But doesn't stay for long

It fades to changing colors

The rain returns

To comfort me

In a long awaited embrace

But nothing lasts forever

When you left me

Crying and broken

Unsure of even the next minute

You took something of mine with you

You snuck in one night

I am not sure when

You took me by surprise

I never knew what hit me

But when you left

You took my heart with you

And now I am just waiting

For when I'll get it back

 

Dear Diary,

More time of my so-called sobriety has passed, and I'm taking a moment to reflect. I think I'm stronger because of this. I've had to struggle through something not everyone has had to go through.

In the last few days, I have been thinking about so much. Not many girls in middle school or even high school have been through some of what I have been through in my short number of years. Though this is neither sad nor something to be proud of, I do feel happy to have conquered my demons and resurfaced a stronger individual for my struggle.

I have suffered through my own destructive, painful behavior. I have suffered from symptoms of depression, though never diagnosed. That may have made it harder to live with, I'll never know. Without a diagnosis, I lived with the pain in the darkness. I felt as if I had no light at the end of the tunnel. I was not prescribed medication to help me feel better. I struggled through my problems and overcame obstacles on my own. I still have days where it is hard to resist, but I have been able to manage.

I have also known many friends who did or are going through the same things. Those friends have cut themselves as well, been depressed, or dealt with and worked through eating disorders.

But cutting isn't the only thing I have witnessed.

Bulimia and anorexia are serious problems today. I know this to be true. Numerous girls in my school have stopped eating at some point in their lives. Others have instead, for a time, chosen to throw up after eating. I have friends who have children. I have friends who were too young to have the children they conceived and had to choose the success in their lives instead. I cannot imagine needing to make this decision, and I send them my loving thoughts all the time.

In the third grade, I had my first taste of alcohol. I had some horrible friends who offered it to me, and I was too scared to say no. I succumbed to peer pressure. I was too young. I was a baby. I should not have even known alcohol was around or an option.

It isn't fair that I was presented these things so young. Luckily, I stopped after my first mistake, and it did not lead to worse decisions, but it could have easily gone another way. I have struggled through enough already. I am so glad it wasn't worse.

After facing all I have and living through it, I believe I have become a stronger person. All of this has helped to make me who I am. What didn't break me certainly helped to make me stronger, and probably wiser too. That is a concept I have become a firm believer in.

One step more

My heart is breaking

With every second

That you move

I cannot watch you

It hurts to even know

Please do not leave me

Chose to love me

I cannot admit

You have already

Walked away

If I even think

That you are long gone

I will break down

I will not survive

What's wrong with who I am

I'm not hurting you

Not in anyone's way

I am beautiful

Because I am me

No questions asked

No apologies made

I make mistakes

I have my problems

But I am who I am

That should be good enough

For you

When we hate to be judged

Why do we hate and

Why do we judge

You are you

Prefect in your own way

What's wrong with

Who I want to be

Who I am today

I am blond, brunette, red-head

I am child, teenager, adult

I am boy, girl, man, woman

I am strong, weak

I am loud, shy,

Introverted, extroverted

I am homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual

I am single, married, dating, happy to be alone

I am everyone

I am me

Love me for who I am

Take it or leave it

But don't hate me because

I'm me

No one should face that judgment

What's wrong with who I am

I don't know to tell you

I don't know how to say

Everything that's in my past

And what I used to do

I went through a lot of mess

I often felt alone

I wish I could just tell you

What I lived with everyday

And how much I learned

Through it

But when I try to say it

Fear clutches my heart

And stops my brain

It's too hard for me

To continue speaking

I can't show you my emotions

Without speaking out to you

I can't show you my past

Without opening

My mouth for you

I can't show you my scars

Because the physical ones

Are gone

But the mental and emotional

Scars will never fully disappear

So then I won't forget

I should never forget

I should never

Forget my depression

Or what it made me do

If I remember

I can prevent

A continuous mistake in myself

Or ones others make

And I remember how my friends

Pulled me through

They helped me with my pain

It was a release

An escape from my life

The one I often wanted stopped

But nowadays

I've moved on

I've changed

And grown

And learned

No longer do I hurt myself

Or feel the way I did

Now I just wish

I would let you in

And share these private things

Please realize I someday will

Though now it's still too hard

For now, just know, I want to

On my own

I need to find the courage first

But for now

I still don't know what to say

Until I find the words to use

Just know that I'm okay

This pen flows

With deepest feeling

From heart to fingertips

This poet has known

The gashes of pain

And the warmth of love

The extremes of up and down

Were violent

But you've always been there

Since it all began

Telling me how beautiful I was

And how much you cared

I never knew how to listen

Uncomfortable and unwilling to agree

With compliments you gave

The truth couldn't be happy

You said you understood

And I fought it tooth and nail

I felt alone in a world of darkness

And that's where I was prepared to stay

Now I look back

Stare at the words

I left behind on paper

The pain I felt everyday

Though I hurt

You were always there

Waiting to pull me through

When I was ready

I couldn't have done it

Without you