In the Wake of Wanting (28 page)

“It shows?”

“You mentioned it.”

“Right… so I quit Sig Rho today.”

“I’m sorry, Trey.”

I shake my head. “No, that’s not why I’m upset. I saw Asher there, and we kind of had words. He was taunting me about something, and I’m sure he’s lying, but until I hear it from your mouth, it’s going to drive me crazy.”

“What is it?”

I look into her eyes as I say it. “He said you’ve been texting him.” Her gaze quickly diverts to the phone in her lap, and my lungs deflate in disappointment. “How could you?”

“I had every right to.”

“But after all he did?”

“I’m not anymore, Trey. And it’s not what you think. It was never what you’re thinking it was, or what he may have made it out to be.”

“Then please, Coley,” I beg her, “tell me what it was.”

“Why does it matter?”

“Because it’s Asher… and because it matters. It shouldn’t matter to me, I know. It’s not supposed to matter. But I can’t help that it does. If I don’t know, I won’t sleep.”

“It’s crossing a line.”

“Worrying about you isn’t crossing a line.
Caring
about you isn’t crossing a line.”

Her gaze bores through me, and my cheeks burn hot. I don’t look away, though, even if she can see the truth. “I didn’t tell you this when it was happening because you guys were friends and it would have only hurt your friendship. He was constantly texting me, begging me to go out with him. I thought it was cute at first. I was flattered. I responded and probably encouraged it by doing so, but then it became a nightly thing. And then it started getting a little weird. I stopped answering him. And then when I saw him on campus, outside of
The Wit
, he was relentless with the pick-up lines. It got to the point that I’d walk the other way if I saw him or pretend like I was on a phone call. I could see how frustrated–how
agitated
–that made him. Then, about a week before formal, he stopped everything. I thought he’d moved on.

“I found out he’d asked Pryana to the dance. Of course, I’d confided in her already my concerns about him, but she insisted it was strictly platonic. He never gave her any reason to worry.”

“How could you not tell me this, laureate? Do you know how many things I would have done differently knowing just
one
of those things?” I ask her.

“That’s why I didn’t tell you. I also wanted to prove I could take care of myself.”

I scoff at that response. “You had no idea what you were dealing with.”

“No, Trey, but none of us did.”

“Do you still have his texts?” She nods. “Why’d you keep them?”

“I never had a good feeling about him.”

“Are they incriminating?”

“I think they paint him to be a little… frustrated. Sexually. But he never made any threats or anything, if that’s what you’re thinking,” she says.

“Do you go back and read them?”

“Like, do I wish I’d said yes to his advances or something?”

“I mean… not now obviously…”

“Not ever. If I ever had the desire to date him, Trey, I would have. I like someone else.”

I only glance at her briefly this time.
I know she means me
. “Don’t delete the messages.” I stare directly ahead of me as I talk to her. “You should probably save screenshots or something if you think they may help Pryana’s case in any way.”

“Okay,” she whispers. “I shouldn’t leave her alone anymore. Even having people watching, she doesn’t feel safe.”

“I understand.”

“Have a safe trip tomorrow,” she tells me.

“Thanks. Try to get some homework done.”

“Call me when you get home?”

“Sure, yeah. Of course. Sorry about the whole… coming-over-stalker thing.”

“Sorry I didn’t tell you about the texts.”

“Sorry I questioned you, laureate. Sweet dreams.”

chapter fourteen

It feels good to get out of the city this morning and to take my Range Rover out for a scenic drive to my parents’ new lake house in Connecticut. My dad still owns the smaller, cozier home on the same lake, the one that I was used to visiting on weekends growing up, but this one is much more accommodating for our large, extended family and has all the latest technology and upscale design touches. It’s extravagant, but after years of living what can be considered a modest lifestyle–for a billionaire, and by now the country’s richest man–he decided it was time to splurge a little.

Chris, my uncle on my mother’s side, drove in last night. His wife greets me at the door when I pull up. “How was your drive?” Anna asks me.

“It would have been nicer with leaves on the trees, but it’s still good to know that open land still exists out here,” I answer her, stooping down to give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“Spring’s right around the corner.”

“Where’s Chris?”

“Cleaning up the kitchen and talking to Eli on the phone,” she says. Their only son had moved to Portland with his band, but had been struggling to make ends meet. He had a college degree, but his passion was music–he just wasn’t the best musician in the world, and unfortunately, no one else in his band was, either. My dad told me that Eli would check in every other week with his parents, mainly to ask for more money.

“How’s he doing?” I ask as I follow her inside.

“He got a job last week as a waiter,” she says, shrugging her shoulders. “I’m just waiting for him to figure things out. He doesn’t like listening to my advice.”

“I'm sorry, Anna.”

“He’s twenty-eight. How is it that you have a better head on your shoulders?” she asks wistfully with a frustrated smile.

I shake my head, deflecting her compliment. “I have no desire to let my father down. I don’t want to be a failure to either of my parents. I see Eli as a risk-taker, and I don’t think that’s
all
bad.”

“Calculated risks aren’t bad. Jacks takes calculated risks,” she says of Dad. “Eli?” She laughs to herself. “He’s just so impulsive all the time. I guess sometimes it’s worked for him. Just not recently.”

“Well, so he never has money… he’s never been in any
trouble
. He still calls home,” I tell her.

“To ask for the money,” she deadpans.

“You know that’s not true.”

“I know.”

“Plus, when he
is
in need of money, he could be doing illicit things for it, but he’s not. I’ve always liked Eli. I just wish he’d come visit more.”

“We all do.” She smiles at me. “Thanks for saying that, Trey.”

“I mean it.” I sidestep into a room next to the kitchen and unload my books into my father’s study, a room I know Chris and Anna aren’t using while they’re here and the only one I really plan to spend time in today. It overlooks the lake through large, arched windows, letting in enough sunshine that I can work from the natural light alone.

“Purely a work visit?” My uncle asks me, walking in the room to shake my hand.

“
Partly
,” I correct him. “I need a little fresh air, too.”

“It’s perfect weather this weekend. A crisp breeze, but not too cold.”

“Yeah. I just wish it was warm enough to swim. A couple more months and I’ll be out there doing laps with the fish. There’s nothing quite like it.” I wonder if Coley’s ever swam in a lake like this, or in the open sea like we do at Callen’s beachfront house.

“Are you hungry? We have some left over biscuits and bacon.”

“Sure, I’ll take some. Thanks.” I fix a plate and then excuse myself to the office where I spend the next few hours working on all the rest of the homework I have so I can focus solely on our articles tomorrow. I listen to The Aurange Peace on loop. It helps me concentrate, with the exception of a few songs. I take a break when those songs come on, reveling in the music and lyrics.

The last time I stop working due to one of those songs, I decide to close up shop for the day. It’s been five hours already. I missed a call from Zaina, a call from Max, and a few texts from Coley, but I decide not to return any communications right now. The worry starts to set in about tomorrow. I’m sure my plans for the day will be fine. The evening is going to suck like nothing in my life has ever sucked before.

I was in the eighth grade when I last broke up with a girlfriend, and although she’d written her first name with “Holland” all over her book covers back then, there had been no actual thoughts of us getting married one day. I’d never even kissed that girl on the lips.

A part of me doesn’t want to do it. That same part doesn’t think I’m ready to. That part of me is a coward. I’d been telling myself I would do it the next time I saw her. I just thought it would be later. At first, I thought it would be when she came home this summer. Then, I was considering flying out to England over my spring break. Admittedly, the latter idea came up after I met Coley. After I started having feelings that would only grow stronger every time I’d spend time with her. I didn’t mean to fall for her. It wasn’t my intention. But it
is
what happened.

After stretching and grabbing a bottle of water, I go into the living room where I find my uncle and watch him as he laces up his boots. My mom would be yelling at him if she saw his foot on the new coffee table. “Chris?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you going hiking?”

“I thought I would, yeah. It’s just too nice to sit around all afternoon, you know?”

“Can I come?”

He looks at me, surprised. “Really?”

“It’s okay if you don’t want company.”

“I would love it if you came along. I just can’t get over how different you are from Eli. From the time he hit fourteen, he didn’t want to spend a second alone with me or Anna.”

“Oh, well…” I shrug my shoulders. “I like to buck stereotypes. Just call me a rebel,” I say, laughing at the irony. “I’m going to shock you even more because I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Well, come on. Let’s head out into nature and talk like men.”

“Thanks,” I say to him, following him out the door. After we exit the main gate, we navigate through some trees. I let him lead the way, being unfamiliar with the new plot of land. I’d only been out here a handful of times since Dad bought it after I’d moved out and started school. My parents would often spend their weekdays up here, just so they would be available to spend time with me when I was free on the weekends. Chris–as well as my dad’s brothers, his sister and their families–had all spent more time up here than I had.

“What’s on your mind?”

I keep following him, watching where I step, wondering how to bring this up to him. “Can this stay between us?”

“Is it anything I’m going to feel like I need to tell your parents?”

“I don’t think so. No.”

“Then okay.”

“I just need to talk to someone who hasn’t been around much over the past few years. Someone who doesn’t really know Zaina… someone who doesn’t feel like she’s part of the family.”

“I’ve met her a few times,” he says. “She’s a wonderful girl.”

“I know. Believe me, I know.”

“Did she do something wrong?”

If only she
would
. It would make this conversation unnecessary. “No. She never does. She never would.”

“Did
you
?”

“No.” I sigh after I answer. “I haven’t done anything. But I’ve met this girl at school. I have to be honest with you, I
want
to do things.”

“Ohhh, boy.”

“I would never cheat on Zai. I wouldn’t. I haven’t, and I never would.”

“Yeah?”

“I care about her a lot. So much, Chris. But… can you fall out of love with someone?”

“Let’s back up,” he says. “Let’s go back to this other girl. You go to school with her?”

“Yeah. I’m her copy editor on the school paper.”

“She doesn’t sound like someone you should be thinking about dating right now, anyway. You’re her editor? Is that, like, an official position or something?”

“Not
really
, but ethically, maybe we shouldn’t date for that reason, but there’s no rule against it.”

“How do you feel about her?”

“She… she excites me,” I say, noticing the involuntary smile. “I feel extremes. Highs and lows. Happy and distraught. Anxious. Nervous. On the edge of my seat every time she talks to me.”

“Everything’s new,” he says.

“Exactly!”

“Yeah… that’ll happen.” he says nonchalantly.

“What do you mean?”

He shrugs his shoulders. “You’ll meet people like that as you go through life. People who are different than anyone you’ve ever met. People who seem to change your direction–or have the potential to, anyway. But you chose Zaina for a reason.”