Incandescent (28 page)

“I didn’t know how to tell you.” Her voice breaks as the first, raw sob breaks free.

“It’s okay, Holly.” I reach out and take her hand, squeezing it. I hold back the urge to cry out at the injustice of it, the ugliness that I’ve brought into her life. I need to be strong, for her, for me.

“No, it’s not. Everything is fucked, Kadence.” Her tears become uncontrollable as her sobs take over her body. The pain and devastation of what she’s lost, sinks in all around us in the darkness of her hospital room.

“Do you remember when I was laying in the hospital after that last surgery?” I ask. “I was broken and feeling sorry for myself. I didn’t want to deal with anyone looking at me?” She nods, remembering that dark time, her eyes looking heavier and heavier.

“You climbed into my bed, and you held me and didn’t let go, and then you said something to me that I would never forget. You told me, ‘Kadence, everything is going to be okay, just not today.’” She shakes her head no, squeezing her eyes tightly shut, like it will stop the words from coming. “You were right, Holly.” I hold back the lump building in my throat, watching her deny my words.

“You’re going to be okay, Holly. Just not today.” A sob escapes her, and I can’t help but follow her into a state of distress. The nurse comes in, trying to calm her as she breaks down. I want to climb into bed with her, hold her, and take away the devastation she is living, but I can’t. Instead, I sit here helpless and watch them as they administer something into her drip.

I hold my best friend’s hand, the only comfort I can give her as I watch her body fight the pull of the darkness. I don’t let go. I don’t leave her alone, knowing she would do it for me, has done it for me. And I do it knowing those words she once told me hold more truth than I’ve ever known: she’s going to be okay. We both are.

Nix

“I
want him fuckin’ found and I want him dead,” I calmly tell the table of my closest brothers and my dad. Beau sits to my left and Jesse to my right.

“You sure about this, Prez?” Jesse asks.

“About as sure as I fuckin’ know Kadence is in that hospital for another night. Her best friend shot,” I shout. I know Jesse is only looking out for me, but Gunner Jamieson is dead, preferably by my hands. I don’t give a fuck what I have to do. The fucker is mine.

After learning about Holly and the baby, something broke in me. I thought Kadence was gonna come back okay, but knowing what I know, I don’t think that’s gonna happen.

“Might have a problem with T,” Beau speaks up. “He’s got his markers on him. He might get him first.”

“Well, make sure he doesn’t,” I spit. The fucker deserves to die. I don’t tell the boys Holly’s situation. Kadence made me promise to keep it quiet, but I know if they knew, they wouldn’t be sitting here trying to get me to calm down.

“Fuck,” Beau curses under his breath, knowing I won’t stop until he’s found.

“Think about this, Nix,” Brooks says, trying to reason with me. The problem is I’ve lost all reasoning. I lost it all when I watched my girl mourn with her best friend.

“Think about the situation,” he continues.

“Brooks,” I warn, cutting him off. “How would you feel if some asshole put his hands on Kelly and nearly strangled her to death?”

“I get you, brother. I do, but we have to be smart. All that hard work getting us clean will be for nothing. Think about Z,” he pushes.

“I am fuckin’ thinkin’ about Z,” I shout out across the room.

“I’ve got no problem doing it,” Sy says, sitting next to Beau. We all look to him.

“No,” I tell him

“Why the fuck not? You got Kadence and Z to worry about. I’ve got no one.”

“I want him.”

“It’s not about that, Nix,” Brooks tries again. “Leave it to T.”

“Fuck T,” Sy’s deep voice booms. “Look where that got us.”

“I don’t like this,” Jesse pipes up.

“Me either,” Brooks adds.

I can see this going around in circles. Jesse and Sy start arguing, Brooks shaking his head.

“Fuck, everyone, calm down.” My pops finally speaks up and the room falls silent as the old Prez’s voice echoes around the clubhouse. "Nix. You're not thinking straight. Your head is fucked up with seeing Kadence. I get it. I’ve lived it, but if this were about one of the guys, you would be looking at it differently. You’ve got this shit with Addison and Z. You can’t be getting yourself into a situation that will come back on you. Kadence is coming home tomorrow. You need to be here for her. Don’t make the same mistakes as I did.” He speaks directly to me, his tone telling me to get my head out of my ass. I know what he is saying is true, but this untapped rage is spurring me on. The last time I felt like this was when my mother was killed.

“I’ll fucking do it,” Sy says again.

“No one is fucking doing anything,” Brooks barks. “This club has seen too much shit. I’m not gonna sit down and watch you walk down a path that you fuckin’ worked so hard to get away from. Think about it, Nix. Give T time to sort this out.”

I know what they are saying is true; this isn’t who we are, what I am, but if we don’t get a handle on Gunner, he will only try again.

“Fuck.” I run my hands over my face, frustrated. “Fine, I’ll give T a week, and then I’m goin’ after him,” I agree, and mean it. If T doesn’t handle it, I will make it my mission to fucking kill him.

Kadence

T
he smell of Zane’s breath over me, the coolness of the gun meeting my forehead, wakes me in a screaming cold sweat.

“Fuck,” Nix sighs next to me. “You okay, babe?” He pulls me closer to him, his strong arms protecting me.

“Yeah, I’m good,” I lie, the reminder of what we went through still fresh in my memory. Some nights I sleep peacefully knowing that Nix will keep me safe, and other nights, I wake myself screaming, trying to escape the darkness. Those nights are the worst, Nix having to hold me down as I lash out at an empty threat. I know it’s going to take time to move past it all. It's only been eight weeks since I left the hospital.

“I hate this so fuckin’ much.” His lips come to my hair, kissing and breathing me in. I hate that he has to see it too, but I can’t stop the ugly memories from visiting me in the middle of the night.

“Imagine how Holly feels?” I know it’s not my fault, and saying those words to Nix is the wrong thing to say, but the guilt I’m feeling just won't leave. That night did more than just mess with her. Losing the baby she was carrying and getting shot broke something in her that I don’t think anyone can fix. The first four weeks after leaving the hospital, she wouldn’t talk to anyone, pushed everyone away. I tried my best to break through. That one moment in the hospital room was the only time I ever felt close to her. When Nix came in and took me back to my room was the moment I lost her again. She built her walls so far up, even I couldn’t scale them. It’s been hard not knowing if she blames me for that night.

“Holly is dealin’ with her shit the best way she can, Kadence, but if you don’t stop blamin’ yourself, you won't get better.” Nix turns me to face him. The light of the moon sends a soft glow through the window, outlining his face by the shadows. I know he’s right, but what Zane took from her, I can’t ever give back.

“Didn’t she just start a new job?” he asks, sitting up and flicking the bedside lamp on. This has become our new norm. On the nights I wake up, we end up spending the next half-an-hour talking about anything and everything. It's Nix’s way of trying to get me to forget the nightmare I just woke up to.

“Not yet. Next month, she starts back at a new salon, new clients.” I sit up against the headboard, resting my head on his shoulder.

“That’s good, babe. Just give her some more time. She’s comin’ to the clubhouse for your birthday party, so that’s progress.” I nod, agreeing with him. I wouldn’t be having a damn party if Nix didn’t insist.

“My parents said they would take Z for the night,” I tell him as his fingers wrap around mine.

“Good, ‘cause I have plans for you next weekend.” He grins his sexy grin.

“Can’t you have plans for me tonight?” I whine. Yes, whine. I am seriously over my Nix rations. I’ve been on bed rest and light duties.
Apparently, sex is not classified as light duties.

“Kadence, how many times do I have to tell you? Not until the doctor clears you.”

“Nix, you won’t hurt me,” I try to convince him. I know it won’t get me anywhere; the man is too strong to break. I’ve begged, cried and even tried to seduce him. Nothing.

“You want my mouth?” he asks, rolling me over to my back and covering me.

“No, I want your cock.”

“You can have my cock in your mouth,” he offers

“I want your cock in my pussy.” I lift my hips off the bed, trying to find some friction.

“Fuck, Kadence, don’t be a tease. You know I won't cave.” He pushes my hips down with his body weight. I pout like a child.
Asshole.

The doctors put me on strict restrictions for the first month and then limiting physical activity for another 4 weeks. I know I will be fine, but Nix is just too damn stubborn, and as much as the dirty teenager acts help fill the void, there is nothing better than feeling him sink himself deep inside of me.

“Nix, it’s been sixty days. Sixty longs days since I’ve felt you in me, pounding into me, destroying me. I need you.” I try for the begging this time. I’m not lying. I do need him. I need him more than my next breath. I crave that connection. I want the intimacy of what only he can give me.

“And I need you, so fuckin’ bad, but it’s only one more week. You can last,” he smiles, leaning in to kiss me. I let out a sigh of defeat.

“Fine,” I snap, annoyed that he just rejected me again. “Get off me then.” I try not to get upset, but seriously.

Rolling back off me, he reaches over and flicks the light off.

“When I do take you, Kadence, it will be well worth the wait,” he promises, dragging me back in his embrace, his front to my back. “Sleep,” he demands, and I roll my eyes and force myself not to be a smartass. He doesn’t see my struggle, yet I feel the strength of his body as he holds me protectively close. Curling into his side, I hear a faint whisper, words I can't make out. The sound of his voice is a simple, sweet caress and fills me with warmth, helping to lull me to sleep.

***

“H
ey, Kadence, will you be my mom?” Z asks the next morning when sitting next to me on the sofa. These past four weeks, Z has been on summer break, no longer my student and now my healing buddy.

“You have a mom, Z,” I say, sitting up to grab the remote to pause the TV. We’ve been watching a marathon of the
Walking Dead
, something that I’m never going to un-see. That shit is crazy whacked.

“I know things are bad at the moment, Z, but I can’t take that role away from her.” I watch his face fall, devastated I just pretty much told him no. I don’t know how to handle this one.
Think, Kadence.

“My mom doesn’t even love me.” His voice cracks a little at the admission.

“Hey, that’s not true. She loves you, Z.” I reach out and take his hand.

“She hasn’t spoken to me since.” He looks down at our joined hands. I can’t help but want to hold him, tell him she doesn’t deserve him and I would love to be his mom, but I can't. Could I?

“I know, honey, and as much as the thought of being your mom sounds amazing, it just doesn’t work like that. But I can be your friend,” I add. “One of your bestest friends. I promise to look after you, drive you when you need to go somewhere, feed you all the food you love and always be here for you to talk to.” I smile down at him.

“So pretty much do all the things a mom should do?”

“Yeah, I guess,” I admit.

“It’s not fair. Why can’t you be my mom?” he questions and I can see his frustrations. “I love you more than my mom,” he softly admits.

I draw in a deep breath through my nose to stop the sting of tears. “I love you as much as a mom should love their son, Z,” I tell him.

“So can we just pretend you’re my mom?” he smiles, hopeful.

I nod letting him know that I’m okay with that. He moves closer, and nestles gently next to me. I feel more love for this little man than his mom has ever shown. If that makes me his pretend mom, so be it.

“I love you, Kadence,” he declares, settling in for the next installment of the zombie madness.

“I love you, Z,” I softly reply, kissing his head. A tingling sensation crawls over my skin. Feeling Nix’s eyes on me, I try to keep calm. I know he just witnessed me telling his son that I loved him. I don’t turn and acknowledge him, afraid of what I may see. Instead, I hold on to Z’s hand and cherish the moment we just had, knowing that the man I love stands behind us, giving us the space we need. And I love him even more for it.

Nix

“H
e’s gone.”

“Gone for now or gone for good?” I ask down the phone. I’ve been waiting on this call for weeks, waiting for the moment I can either put Gunner Jamieson behind me or for the chance to fucking kill him with my own hands. I know I said I’d let T handle it, but deep down if I had to, I would. I would kill him.

“Gone for good,” he answers.

“Right,” I say, understanding T’s meaning of good. I don’t ask questions. I know how it works.

“He might be gone, but someone else will replace him,” he continues, telling me what I already know.

“Don’t see it being a problem if we don’t have problems, T,” I lay it out for him. The clubs might have the truce, but T never shook on that. He might get a wild hair and pull back on it one day.

“We’re good, Nix. The last few years have been smooth. Got myself a woman and baby on the way. Don’t need more fucking drama.”

“Fuck, I hear ya there,” I agree. “That all?” I ask, ready to go let the boys know about the asshole. They’ve been on some strict lockdown preparing for retaliation.

“Yep, speak again in another few years,” he suggests, enjoying our relationship just as much as I do.

“Make it longer,” I tell him truthfully. I’m grateful for their help, but the less we have to do with them, the better.