Indulgent Pleasures (34 page)

“No, she didn’t. Zoe Rush, her boss admitted as much when she was questioned by her employers. They terminated both Ms. Rush and a Caleb Whitmore this morning. They were the ones responsible for the article and photos.”

“What happened to Stephanie?” He winced when the words left his mouth. He’d promised himself he wouldn’t ask about her no matter how curious he was.

And he was damn curious.

“She gave notice when she spoke with the managing editor and publisher this morning, just after they’d terminated the other two. They’d hoped to keep her but she admitted she didn’t want to stay.”

“She had nothing to do with that story and
City Magazine
has seemed to take care of the situation in a very prompt manner. Do you want to continue the lawsuit? I can put the paperwork in motion right now,” his lawyer assured.

“No, don’t bother. I only said it as a threat anyway. I just wanted to get to the bottom of it.” He’d wanted to find out if what Stephanie said was true.

And it turned out that it had been. Every blessed word of it.

Justin hung up the phone and tossed it onto the couch with a grunt, frustration coursing through his veins, making him bone weary with exhaustion.

Making him pissed at himself.

He replayed what happened between him and Stephanie over and over, remembering every cruel and shitty word he’d said. How she’d tried to explain herself and he wouldn’t listen. What a stubborn asshole he’d been, sending her out of his house with tears flowing down her face and a broken heart.

He’d been so angry he’d literally seen red. Couldn’t believe her betrayal, the callous way she’d treated their relationship as nothing more than subject matter for her column in a magazine.

That’s what he’d assumed. And he’d been wrong. Completely and totally wrong.

But how was he supposed to know that at the time? Anyone else would’ve reacted the same way he did, especially after everything he’d experienced his entire life. He couldn’t feel guilty about it.

He did, though. Of course, he did. He felt absolutely shitty, terrible about the way he’d treated her. And he wanted to ask her forgiveness.

Loving her that much made him want her back in the worst way.

Grabbing the phone he’d just tossed, he punched in her cell number but it went straight to voicemail. His thumb hit the end button and he closed his eyes, breathed deep.

He was being a complete chicken shit. Right now, he needed to swallow his pride and call her, beg her forgiveness and see if she’d listen. See if she’d give it to him. And if she didn’t pick up, then he needed to leave her a message and hope like hell she’d call him back.

Hitting redial he let it ring, listened to her sweet voice tell him she couldn’t take his call right now but if he left a message she’d get back to him as soon as possible. Then he heard the beep.

“Stephanie, it’s me. Justin. I really hope you’ll get back to me because I need to talk to you.” He paused, gulped, and it felt as if a rock had lodged in his throat. “I really, really need to talk to you. Please call me.”

Justin hung up and threw the phone again, getting no satisfaction when it hit the floor with a loud thunk. Running a hand through his hair, he muttered a curse but it didn’t make him feel any better either.

He hadn’t felt right since that afternoon. Since Stephanie left him after he’d verbally abused her.

God damn, he was such an asshole. Such a complete and utter asshole to not believe in her and automatically think the worst when confronted with a problem.

So typical. He’d always pushed people away. His grandmother had accused him of that more than once. He wouldn’t let anyone get close to him for fear of them abandoning him, she’d said.

She’d been right.

Just like his own parents who’d left him without a care to his well-being. Who’d never given him an ounce of love his entire life.

Stephanie had given him love and he still turned her away. Would she ever forgive him?

God, he hoped so.

* * *

Stephanie tugged another tissue out of the box and blew her nose, then tossed the tissue onto the floor where a pile of them already grew. She’d lain in bed for the last two days, sleeping most of the day and throughout the night. She didn’t eat, didn’t talk to anyone, she just laid there and thought of Justin.

Even her crabby roommate was concerned and Sia never showed any concern for her whatsoever. Over the past couple of days she’d periodically knocked on the door to check on Stephanie. She’d offered to bring her food, drinks and seemed to want to do anything to make her feel better.

Stephanie found it quite shocking. Maybe her bitchy roommate wasn’t so bitchy after all.

She needed to get over this, what happened to her. She needed to get back at it and find a job and forget Justin. Forget what Zoe and Caleb had done to her and move on. Life was passing her by and she was getting nothing accomplished by sitting on her butt and crying her eyes out.

With a sigh she stood, moaning at the painful crick in her back, the wobbliness of her legs. Her stomach growled and she clutched at it, surprised that she was suddenly so hungry. Nothing sounded good to eat and a sudden wave of nausea swept over her, killing her hunger in an instant.

She grabbed her cell phone which rested on top of her dresser and turned it on, doubting that anyone had called. Really, she had no one, she knew that. Her sisters thought she was a whore, her parents had written her off as a disgrace and no one from the magazine would contact her to make sure she was okay. They were all too busy gossiping about her and what she’d done with Justin Hawkins.

Her voicemail beeped in notification and she dialed the box number, punching in her password. Her eyes widened in surprise when the automated voice told her she had five new voice messages.

Justin’s warm baritone greeted her, pleading with her to call him. And then again. And again.

When she finally finished listening to her voicemail inbox, she set the phone down in shock. Every single one of those messages had been from Justin. Begging and pleading with her to call him, how desperate he was to talk to her and could she at least spare five minutes to let him explain himself?

She shouldn’t. She
couldn’t.
He’d already let her know how he felt and his true colors had shone bright and clear. She could understand to a point his powerful reaction but he hadn’t even given her a chance and wasn’t that what love was all about? Giving each other chances?

That’s what she’d always thought. Apparently, she’d been wrong.

Or they hadn’t really been in love in the first place.

With a sigh, she opened the top drawer of her dresser and pulled out a pair of plain white cotton panties and a matching bra. Her fingers shoved past the fragile and delicate lacy things Justin had preferred so much. She’d preferred them too.

Not anymore. Just touching them made her think of Justin and she didn’t want to do that right now.

A shower would do her good and help clear her head. Her hair was greasy, her face oily and she bet she stunk. Stunk like pitiful, hopeless woman if there was such a scent.

God, she needed to get a grip. A scalding hot shower would be just the thing.

Wash away the bad thoughts, wash away the difficult memories. Emerge clean and fresh and ready to tackle her new life.

She was halfway to the door when her cell rang and she paused, turning to look at the dresser and the vibrating and ringing phone on top of it. Catching her lower lip between her teeth she stood there for half a second, debating whether she should answer it or not. Her head screamed a resounding no. Her heart clamored with a loud yes.

Her heart won.

Leaping toward the dresser, she snatched up the phone and answered it with a breathless hello, praying she wasn’t too late and that it hadn’t already gone to voicemail.

“Okay.” It physically hurt to hear his voice, to know he was standing somewhere right now talking to her, thinking of her but not actually
with
her.

“I wanted to apologize for the way I acted on Sunday. I was wrong and I’m sorry.”

It felt good to hear his apology but not good enough. Nothing would ever be good enough anymore. “I’m sorry too, Justin.”

“Please, you have no reason to apologize. You told me the truth when you explained yourself and I wouldn’t even listen. I didn’t give you the chance you deserved and I feel like an asshole for that. I
am
an asshole.” He chuckled but he didn’t sound amused. No he sounded completely nerved out, much like how she felt.

“Listen, you reacted the way you did because you thought I lied to you and I understand that. I
did
lie to you. And I’m sorry but I can’t take back what happened. I can’t take back what I did to you. What’s done is done.”

“We can move past it, Stephanie.” His voice lowered, ragged and whispery and curling through her, making her limbs weak. “I’m willing to move past it just to have you back in my life.”

Stephanie briefly closed her eyes at his words. She wanted to believe him, really she did. But something else would eventually happen and he wouldn’t believe in her, believe in them yet again. He’d turn her away and tell her he couldn’t trust her. And she’d be right back where she started.

She was too afraid to even want to attempt that again.

“I don’t think we can move past it, Justin. That’s the problem.”

He was silent, so quiet that at first she thought he hung up but then he cleared his throat, and when he spoke, his voice was incredulous.

“So it’s over. You don’t want me.”

Her eyes slid closed again and she slumped onto her bed, throwing her free arm across her forehead. “It’s not that. I just don’t think it can work out between us. Too much has happened.”

“Too much has happened,” he repeated, his voice flat.

“Yes and I think it’s all come between us, become too big to ignore. And we probably won’t be able to let it go.
You
won’t be able to let it go.”

“Stephanie.” His voice was filled with trembling emotion and she wanted to cry all over again. God, he sounded like he was about to cry as well. “I love you.”

“No, you love what we had. Or at least you really enjoyed it. I’m not sure if we were ever really in love in the first place. And I don’t think we’ll ever be able to get that back, what we had. I’m sorry, Justin.” She quietly hung up the phone, the sobs starting all over again and she covered her face with her hands.

She’d turned him down. Actually had been strong enough to turn him down and send him away.

Was it a mistake? Right now, it felt like it but she knew in the long run, it was for the best. Many bouts of hot sex did not a relationship make no matter what they’d believed prior to what happened. It would have ended anyway no matter what.

No matter what.

Chapter Thirty-Three

“You’re really going through with this.”

Justin nodded as he stared out at the field before him. The stadium was filled to capacity since the playoff game between San Francisco and Chicago was one of the more highly anticipated games of the season. The rowdy crowd roared their approval when a Miner just nailed a base hit.

His former assistant coach stood at his side, his arms crossed, his uniform-clad body covered by a navy blue Miners windbreaker. Justin owned the very same windbreaker and had given it to Stephanie to wear one night when she’d snuck out of his house to grab something she’d forgotten from her car.

Snuck out of his house naked and covered only by that jacket. And when she’d come back inside, he’d unzipped it slowly, enjoying the reveal of her lush, creamy flesh. And then he’d pounced on her, bending her over his couch and fucking her from behind where she stood.

Jesus, everything he saw, everything he did was somehow touched by Stephanie. She’d immersed herself so completely in his life and he never truly realized it until after she was gone.

She was still gone. A fact that made him sick to his stomach every single damn day that passed and she wasn’t by his side. After the initial phone call when she’d told him they’d never be able to work he became persistent. He’d called her every day, anxious to talk to her, eager to hear her voice. Trying desperately to wear her down.

That had been almost two weeks ago and she’d met with him once, just once. At a Starbucks not far from her apartment on a rainy Tuesday morning and he’d savored every single moment he’d sat across from her at a small table. She’d been beautiful as always but there were dark shadows smudging the delicate skin beneath her eyes and those very eyes had appeared haunted, sad.

Much like how he felt. Haunted by her and sad she wasn’t with him.

How much more did he have to go through before she finally realized he meant what he said? That he loved her more than anything in the world and he didn’t want anyone else? That he trusted her and needed her in his life?

Well, if everything went according to plan today, then this was the ultimate grand gesture. And if she still turned him down, he’d have to give up. Nothing could top what he planned.