Inferno (22 page)

Dropping onto the lounger beside him, she hesitantly ran her hand down his back in a bid to bring him comfort.

“Don’t,” he warned, his voice hoarse. “I don’t want you…” he trailed off and drew a juddering breath, “I don’t want you to see me like this. Just go back inside, Taylor. Please.”

“I can’t. I’m not leaving you like this, Sebastian. You’re hurting. I’m not asking you to tell me what happened,” she said. Running her hand over his back, she pressed her lips against the side of his shoulder. “Just let me be here for you.”

He shook his head. “I can’t.”

“Don’t shut me out,” she whispered against him. “We’re all each other has, Sebby. Please.”

Twisting away, he plowed a furious hand through his hair. His body jerked again. It was hard to say if it was a crazed laugh or another sob he tried to bury. “You’re not listening to me. You don’t get it, Taylor. I don’t need you to coddle me. I don’t need your comfort, and I sure as hell don’t deserve it. Do yourself a favor and get away from me.”

“No. You don’t mean that.”

He spun to face her and she jerked back, startled by the dizzying combination of raw pain and fury in his eyes. They damn near glowed, his light green irises made even more vivid by the hints of red blossoming throughout the whites. The muscles framing his cheeks knotted and gathered tightly beneath his skin as he clenched his teeth. Letting his eyes drift shut, he slowly turned his head away.

“I love you,” he stated, his voice strained. “More than anything in this world, but I can’t bear to look at you right now.”

His words struck a heavy chord of fear. Numb, she tried to shake the chill that crawled like a slow moving glacier in her veins. She searched frantically for reasons, explanations, anything at all that she could have done. She was grasping at invisible straws and, more than that, she felt like she was drowning. No matter how many breaths she drew, no matter how hard she tried, none of the air seemed to make it into her starving lungs.

Her hand shook as she lowered it into her lap. Bowing her head, she shielded her hurt behind the dark curtain of her hair. “Whatever I did to upset you, I’m sorry.”

He twisted around without warning, the fluid speed in his movements startling. Wide-eyed, she stared back at him while he snared her face between his hands.

“No,” he said, running a thumb over the slope of her cheek. “You didn’t do anything wrong. This has nothing to do with you, baby. Do you hear me? This is all me. All of this…it’s all on me.”

It felt like someone had a death grip on her throat. Though meant to help, his assurances didn’t make her feel any better.

“It’s not though.” She finally managed to speak, but her voice was shaky and strangled. “It’s you and me, Sebastian. Whatever happens, we are in this together.”

She wished she could take the words back as soon as they left her mouth. The pain that crossed his face was devastating. His noble features twisted and crumpled. Clamping his eyes shut, Sebastian shook his head as if trying to lose the memory or the slow burn of her words. His expression remained pained.

“Don’t say that right now, Taylor. Please. I’m begging you. Don’t say that.”

She couldn’t take anymore. Whatever this was, whatever had happened, it was ripping him to shreds. Surging forward, she wrapped her arms around him. He braced against her and started to pull away, but she held on tight. Sebastian grew even more rigid, but as the seconds ticked by, he gradually started to relax. She sagged with relief the moment his arms lifted and he crushed her against him.

“You know I will always love you,” she whispered, trailing her fingers through his disheveled curls. “No matter what. I won’t push you, but if you need to, you can talk to me. I want to help you, Sebby. I would do anything to ease your pain.”

“I know, baby, but you can’t. You don’t know…the things that happened today…I can’t un-see them.”

Her blood quickened under the threat of danger, making her pulse thunder in her ears. She didn’t want to ask. She didn’t want to know what could possibly have him so unraveled, yet some secret part of her did. If only to help ease the fear.

“They were innocent, Taylor. Those people were innocent and he just…mowed them down. They were running. They were so scared and they were just trying to get away—to understand what was happening.”

His hold on her tightened, his grip crushing until it was hard to breathe. Resting her head against his, she kept stroking his hair, coaxing him, but letting him continue at his own pace. Sebastian trembled lightly against her, his breathing shaky and uneven. His eyes remained closed as he relived the nightmare playing in his head.

“They tried so hard,” he repeated, whispering. “It wasn’t right, Taylor. It wasn’t right. These people weren’t terrorists. They didn’t deserve that. He lied to the team and he used us to slaughter them.”

A heavy block of ice settled in her chest. The images flashing through her mind were far from pretty, and she felt her stomach twist. Holding him tighter, she tried not to imagine what that must have been like.

“I can’t do this,” he stated, backing the claim up with a gentle shake of his head. “Not if this is the way things are going to be. I just
can’t
.”

She didn’t know how anybody could, but she didn’t dare put those thoughts into words for the fear of making things worse. “I know, Sebby.”

“No. You
don’t
. How could you? That’s the thing, Taylor. That’s always been the biggest thing about all of this. I don’t want you to know these things about me. It kills me to think about you looking at me and ever seeing anything but love reflected in your eyes. I don’t want you to feel disgusted or ashamed to be with me.”

“Sebastian, I don’t.”

“How could you
not
?” he asked, pulling away and springing to his feet. “Jesus, Taylor. Are you even listening to me? We slaughtered a bunch of innocent people today. We killed kids. Does that make you proud? Does that make you want to go to bed with me? To carry my
child
and my name?”

She recoiled from the ferocity in his voice as much as his claims. Tears brimmed back at her, still unshed, as he raised his arms in silent question. Shaking her head, Taylor struggled to swallow past the lump wedged in her throat.

“I…”

Shit. What in the hell was someone even supposed to say to something like that?

Taking a deep breath, she tried again. “There is a difference,” she stated softly, no longer able to meet his eyes.

“In
what
?”

“Between what you do for a living and you. I’m not blind, Sebastian. I know you’ve done some terrible things. But there is a difference between the man who’s doing his job and you. That man would never let his guard down, and he would never be able to look at someone with love in his eyes or treat them with kindness and compassion.”

He flinched at the last word, but she kept going.

“But you do those things, Sebby. You do them for me every day.”

He stared at her for a long moment. His mouth pursed, his lips whitening beneath the firm press. “I hate to break it to you, baby, but me and that monster are one and the same.”

“No. You aren’t.”

“I don’t care if you believe it or not, Taylor, that darkness is a huge part of me. It always has been.”

“That’s not true,” she whispered, rising to her feet and stepping forward to run her hands over his cheeks. “Not always. There is some goodness in you. There is some light. You try to keep it buried, hidden, from yourself and the rest of the world, but I see it Sebastian. It’s in there. That’s why you’re torn up and hurting.”

“Stop it. I’m
not
hurt. I’m pissed and you’re just talking in circles, Taylor. A person can’t be both, so which is it? Am I good man or a bad one?”

She lowered her eyes. Her heart tightened with sorrow and conflict as varying explanations flittered through her mind. How did she put into words the complexity and mystery that comprised him? Try as she might, there was no defining Sebastian.

“Look at me,” he commanded with a forceful tug of her hair. “I want an answer, Taylor.”

Shivering at the hard edge creeping into his voice, she forced herself to meet those intense shamrock-colored eyes. He snared her jaw and held her gaze. An impatient growl rumbled through him and Taylor’s heart stutter stepped as the air in her lungs started to burn.

Wetting her lips, she finally mustered a response. “You’re you, Sebastian. I can’t describe it. You’re a mixture of everything—passion and poison all rolled into one. You can be cruel and heartless one moment, and incredibly sweet and vulnerable the next. There’s seldom any middle ground with you. You swing from one side to the other with little or no warning. I never know what to expect or what side of you I’m going to get.”

His fingers sank deeper into the lines of her jaw and he wrenched her head to the side, allowing him access to her neck. Sharp teeth and stubble plied her sensitive skin as Sebastian ground his hips against hers, his arousal hard and menacing between them. Surging forward, he backed her against the house, trapped her wrists beneath his powerful hands, and pinned them to the bricks.

“Which side of me is it that you are wanting now, Taylor?” he growled against her ear. “You wanted me to let you in, now here we are. The good the bad, you get it all. Are you regretting that now? Do you think you’ve bitten off more than you can chew?”

Her heart hammered faster. A tiny voice in the back of her mind screamed ‘yes’ and all but begged for her to stop fueling the fire before it was too late. Another part clung to the uncertainty and danger he offered. Fear was an intoxicating drug when mixed with desire.

“Answer me,” he rasped, yanking her head back until her body bowed against him.

There was no softness now, no playfulness easing the hard lines of his handsome features. Stilling, Taylor forced herself to meet the savage intensity of his eyes.

“No,” she whispered.

His head tilted ever so slightly. A cruel smile threatened. “No?” he questioned, brushing his thumb across her lip. “You know you are playing with fire here, sweetheart. Aren’t you afraid you are going to get burned?”

“No. Your punishments might hurt, but you’d never cause me harm. There is a difference.”

“Interesting,” he mused softly. “But you are basing your assessment on the past. Who is to say that won’t change?”

“It won’t because you love me.”

“I do,” he agreed. “But has that love spared you from me before?”

“No. It hasn’t, but you would never do anything to jeopardize my life. Especially not now.”

The corners of his mouth tightened in response. “Are you really so confident about where you stand with me?”

Holding his stare, she refused to back down. “Is there a reason why I shouldn’t be?”

He kept her pinned, his expression unwavering. The seconds stretched by into a full minute as his pale eyes held her as hostage as his hands. Releasing her, he straightened with a stiff nod. “I am glad you finally understand your value in my eyes. It’s about time you learned that lesson.” His fingers skimmed the underside of her chin. “Perhaps it’s time you learn another one as well. Go inside.”

“Seb, I…”

He clamped a hand over her mouth with a hard shake of his head. “No more talking. Do as I say.”

She levered to her feet and made the slow trek through the house, her heart pounding as she climbed the stairs. His thoughts were too veiled, his actions too hard to read. Maybe it hadn’t been so wise to push him, even if it had been done with the intent to bring him comfort.

“Strip,” he ordered, not waiting to see if she complied.

That much was expected.

Numb, Taylor peeled out of her clothes, watching with an odd combination of curiosity and dread as Sebastian disappeared into the vast confines of their walk-in closet. Time hung suspended with her fate weighing in the balance. She heard the telltale jingle of metal clang on the other side of the wall and her eyes drifted shut in a wordless plea. Her pulse became a violent hammer. It roared, crashing through her veins like a surging ocean tide. Hearing the soft whisper of his feet move across the carpet, she lifted her head to watch Sebastian stalk toward her in a deliberate and predatory prowl.

Sure enough, a thick leather strap dangled from his hand along with two silk ties. Her muscles cramped and tensed as he pointed to the foot of the bed. Panic threatened and she tried to force herself to comply.

“I’m not going to ask again. Move, Taylor, or I will assist you.”

His callous tone warned that was a not a mistake she wanted to make. Her arms trembled beneath her as she crawled to the foot of the bed, careful not to meet his gaze. It was best not to look a rabid animal in the eye, lest they mistake the gesture as a challenge. Without a word, Sebastian grabbed her hands and pressed her wrists together on either side of the thick wooden post at the foot of their bed. She winced, fighting the urge to pull back when he wound one of the ties around her wrists before looping it through the belt and cinching it off tight. The move gave her just enough leeway to rock back onto her knees, but no wiggle room to escape. After testing the strength of the restraint, he wrapped the other tie around her eyes, casting her into blindness.

“Do I need to gag you as well?”

Fighting back the tears that threatened behind the blindfold, Taylor offered a mute shake of her head. She couldn’t help but worry if he was asking out of necessity or just the mere desire that she submit to his whims and obey.

“That’s a very good thing, Taylor. See that you stick to those claims. The only time I want to hear anything come out of your mouth is if I ask you a question or if you believe I am endangering our baby. Is that clear?”

“Yes, Sebastian.”

She felt, rather than saw, the cold smile he offered in response. His fingers trailed lightly over the bared arch of her spine as he leaned down and the warm, woodsy smell of his skin washed over her.

“Good girl,” he breathed, whispering the endearment against her ear. He paused long enough to kiss against the outer shell, the contact enough to make a wave of goose bumps ripple across her skin. “Perhaps I should keep you like this for a while,” he suggested. “It would give you time to consider your actions and ponder the wisdom in disobeying me. You know better, Taylor. I warned you to stay away. Perhaps you think your love has weakened me or softened me to the point where I’ll no longer crack down on you if you choose to defy me.”