Inky (23 page)

I didn’t knock. I simply took off the bikini and walked in. The double shower was steaming and Cole leaned against the tiles with his back to me, one arm over his eyes, the other bracing his body. He didn’t move when I walked in but I was positive he knew I was there. I pressed my body to his back and put my arms around him. Moving his arm down, he gathered mine to his chest. We stayed that way, letting the water, the steam and the silence comfort us both. After a while, I decided to take the initiative and grabbed a bar of soap from the shelf built into the tiles. I soaped his neck and chest. Under his arms down to his fingertips, his back and perfectly sculpted ass, his legs and feet and lastly, what I referred to earlier as his beautiful penis. I moved him directly under the spray and rinsed the soap from him. I squeezed shampoo into my hands and massaged it into his scalp standing on my tip toes. He moaned as I rubbed firmly, wanting every touch to convey comfort and understanding to him. I rinsed his hair and quickly cleaned my body. I turned off the shower and opened the door, stepping out and wrapping myself quickly in a towel. I urged him to sit down on a small wooden bench opposite and began to dry him off. I took one of his many bath robes and slid his arms into each sleeve, motioning him to stand and follow me to the bedroom. He sat on the end of the bed and looked out to the ocean. I kneeled in front of him and took his hands in mine, turning his arms over to expose his wrists. Very slowly, I examined and kissed each one to find that both wrists bore the same thick white scars.

“I told you I was fucked up.” He said.

“Yes, you did. Is this why you wanted to avoid telling me your family stuff?”

“Yeah. Now that you know, are you sure you want to stay?”

“Did Emma know, Cole?” I asked softly.

“Yes. I told her in the beginning. I didn’t keep anything from her. I wanted to be honest and have a future with her.”

“She’s a terrible human being.”

“Yeah. I know.”

“Is this what you were gonna tell me today?”

“I wanted to, Anika. I just wanted to be with you and comfort you. I thought it would give me the same comfort in return, even if I never told you.”

“Did we learn nothing from my time with Evan?” I laughed lightly. “Here’s the deal, Cole. I think we need each other. I’m scared to death because you already helped me. When I tried not to think about you, you kept making your way into my thoughts, even subconsciously. Sitting next to you on the beach, shopping at that market, the way our bodies fit together, it feels... ”

“Right.” He answered.

“Yes.” I agreed.

“It’s not gonna be easy Anika. I can get dark. When I stared out into space today, that was one of those times. I can usually shake it off pretty quickly but I’ve had a lot of practice. I think that’s why I’m attracted to your paintings. It’s almost as if they’re my thoughts, my own pain, reflected back at me. I feel like I can relate.”

“Did your panic attacks happen before or after your suicide attempt?” He inhaled quickly. “I’m sorry. Is that off limits?”

“No. I just can’t believe you didn’t even hesitate to say the words to me. It doesn’t scare you?”

“Are you gonna do it again?”

“Absolutely not.”

“What makes you so sure? I’m telling you right now, Cole. My hesitation in getting involved with you, even before this revelation, was because I didn’t want to have my heart broken. I don’t think I could take it. I mean it. If there’s any doubt in your mind, if you think I’m not enough…I need to walk away. You need to let me walk away.”

He pulled me up to the bed and onto his lap and held me to his chest. “I told you. Anika, don’t break my heart and I won’t break yours. All I have ever wanted was a partner, someone to share my life with. I’m thirty-five years old. You’re only twenty-five. Your career is just taking off; a career I might add that would have done so without me buying your paintings. That much was obvious at the Gillies. Everything is going so well for you now. I can’t ask you to consider a future with me after knowing me for only a few months but I wouldn’t have pursued you if I wasn’t sure. You’ll never be a casual fuck for me. You’ll be my beginning and my end. I’m tired of being alone and I’m tired of pretending to be something I’m not.”

“And what is that?” I carefully asked him what he’d pushed me to answer the night before.

“Perfect.”

Raising my head to meet his eyes, I looked at him, really looked at him and saw his beauty and his pain. Such a sensitive soul, no doubt his asshole father probably tried to beat it out of him. I hated him already.

“How did I go from dating a guy, to getting engaged to him, to him cheating on me, to this so quickly? I’m afraid I can’t trust my judgment.”

He kissed my lips, “Then let’s be scared together, Anika. Let me love you the way you should be loved. We’ll take each day as it comes but we have to talk. You have to promise me that if you start to feel panicky at all, you’ll tell me. Don’t walk away. I want to help, I mean it.”

“I promise.” I stopped him kissing me and pushed on his chest so I could have his full attention. “My dad left when I was young, Cole. It’s the worst heartbreak I’ve ever known because I never knew why. My mother always said it was my fault but obviously that wasn’t the reason. The one thing I know for sure, I’ve always felt like I wasn’t enough. He didn’t love me enough to stay. Please don’t do that.”

“Anika, I promise.” He kissed me again but this kiss was filled with hope and promises made with heightened, raw emotion. I could taste the saltwater on his lips from his tears mingling with mine. He bit into my neck, holding me straddled against him, my legs wrapped around his back. With his feet firmly planted on the floor in front of him, he took off my towel and his robe so there would be nothing between us. Reaching his hand between my legs, he found that I was ready for him, completely aroused. I watched the muscles in his neck flex as he lifted my hips up just enough and slowly guided me onto him, pushing deep inside me, filling me with desire emanating from both of us. His tears and mine, moaning and crying and moving together in a rhythm I thought only seasoned lovers could know. Using his shoulders as leverage I pushed onto him, urging him deeper. His fingers digging into my flesh, lifting me up and pulling me back down with each thrust. Leaning my upper body away from him, he let me dangle, my head almost touching the floor, I held onto his calves while he gripped my hips, holding me steady in place, reaching a spot deep inside I’d never known existed before. A parallel to the union of our hearts and our bodies. I could feel my orgasm build, that electricity surging between us, his own breathing increasing more and more, “Come for me Anika, I want to make you come harder than you’ve ever come before.” The harder he pushed into me, the more I could feel myself building, a gradual climb to pleasure. “Oh God, Cole. Please!” I cried out, a sound I was sure could be heard for miles just as he reached his peak as well.

Panting, breathless once again, I collapsed my entire weight against his arms as he lifted me back to his lap.

“What. Was. That?” I asked.

“Haven’t you ever had an orgasm like that?”

“No. That was unmatched.” I said trying to catch my breath.

“I meant have you ever had an orgasm without clitoral stimulation?”

“No. How’d you do that?”

“That, my darling Anika, was probably your G-spot.”

“I’ve heard about that mythical place. How’d you find it? You are a male whore, aren’t you?”

“No, I do a lot of reading.”

“Don’t stop. Whatever you’re reading, it’s good.” He laid me next to him on the bed as we both tried to catch our breath. He was recovering much more quickly than I was. “Thank you for making me stay, Cole. I’m looking forward to our…collaboration.”

He laughed. “Me too, Anika. Me too.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“I know what you’re gonna ask. It’s way after two, isn’t it?”

“I think so, yeah.”

“You want to know why I did it.”

“Yes.” I said quietly. “I know I’m killing the mood but maybe we can rid the room of elephants.”

“Good call. Okay, my life didn’t belong to me. For as long as I can remember, I was never given a choice about anything. I was allowed to have hobbies but even things I excelled at, if it wasn’t what my father wanted me to do, if it didn’t suit his needs or the needs of the business, then it wasn’t important. There were a couple of things I excelled in that I wanted to pursue. My mom tried not to antagonize my father if she could help it. He used to drink heavily. He still drinks but not like he used to. His temper would get out of control; he only got physical once when I was eight. My mother threatened to leave him but she knew he would never let her take me.

When I was in college I arranged a meeting with him and decided to try to speak with him man to man, tell him I had no interest in his business. He told me he should’ve let my mother raise me as the bastard I always was to him, that he doubted I was even his blood because I resisted being part of what he’d built. Before I knew it, he’d closed the door to his office and locked it. When I turned around to face him, trying not to cower like I had my entire life, he held me in a choke hold. It was like I was eight years old again. Everything was the same. He had me face down on his office desk and I was ready to feel his belt against my back, except this time I felt something hard and cold pressed to my temple. He told me, as calm as you’d be ordering a drink, that he didn’t invest twenty years in anything that he didn’t think would pay off. When he let me go, I had no emotion at all. I was completely numb.

I walked out of his office and went back to my apartment just off campus. I wrote my mom a letter. I explained to her exactly what happened while it was fresh in my mind. I wanted her to know I was sorry, that I loved her but I couldn’t seem to find another way out. I cleaned the apartment and packed everything, not wanting to leave a mess for my mom to deal with on top of everything else. I laid garbage bags on the bathroom floor and a couple of layers of towels…”

“Why did you…?”

“Easier to clean. Then I used a box cutter. I have to say, the first one hurt, but the second one hurt like a mother fucker.”

“Jesus, Cole.”

“I thought one of my buddies would find me. That was one of the reasons I had the towels there. I knew it would be traumatic enough to find the dead body of one of your friends, but to find them in a pool of blood…I couldn’t do that to anyone.”

“Please don’t tell me it was your mom.”

“You’ll never guess.” He paused and took a breath when I didn’t answer.

“I lost consciousness pretty quickly but I was being jerked awake by someone telling me, ‘I’m sorry’ over and over. It was my dad. To this day I have no idea why he was there but he was the one who found me. My mom and I never discussed the letter. He left me alone after that and she helped me get through the darkest parts. When I was a kid, his rages used to throw me into a full blown panic attack and my mother would take me into my room, lock the door and sing to me until I calmed down. But the suicide attempt…I thought I was making a choice between freedom or death. I didn’t see any other options.”

“I don’t know what to say, Cole.”

“It’s really okay, Anika. He wasn’t the kind of dad that takes you out to the yard and throws the ball around with you. I can tell you about the cut and clarity of most precious gems. My mom pushed for me to run the hotels on my own, without my dad’s input. I agreed because even though I don’t want to follow in my dad’s footsteps, I’m good at it and I needed to do something. I arranged it so Trinity pays back the purchase price to Carlyle Corp, like a business loan. I go to a board meeting once a month and sign things here and there. The people who oversee the company have done just fine so I kept them in their jobs. They like me, they hate my dad, and they keep everything running smoothly but I’m the ultimate decision maker. If I need business advice, I ask my friend, Olaf.”

“Are you happy doing that?” I asked.

“It’s a job. There were some issues when I took over but I resolved them pretty quickly, gained the trust of the board and didn’t make them feel insignificant like my father would have. I’ll make it strong again, then finish paying out Carlyle Corp and maybe do something else. I’m not sure what.” He looked beyond me for a second and I worried that he might slip into one of his dark times again. “Whatever I do now, whatever decisions I make I do so independent of my father. I hate feeling like I owe him anything.”

“I kinda hate your dad.” It was the only thing I could think of to say.

“Me too.” He said with understanding. “Me too.”

Chapter 23

Cole barbequed garlic prawns on the deck and we watched the sunset together. I didn’t call, nor had I thought about Aimes the entire day. Somehow, I had found someone who I knew without a doubt, I could be myself with and the best part was, he felt the same way. We were more alike than I ever imagined. After he told me about his past, I felt even more at ease. I was happy right here, watching the sun disappear, leaving an orange glow across the sky.

We sat there, enjoying each other’s company, happy with the silence between us. Our peace was interrupted by the ring of his cell phone. “Of course” he smirked. “Sorry, I have to take this. I’ll be right back.”

He disappeared into the house and slid the large door closed behind him. I could just hear him above the crashing waves. I couldn’t make out what he was saying but I knew he was not happy about it. I had no intention of eavesdropping. I was sure if there was something I needed to know, he’d tell me. I didn’t turn around when the door opened again.

“Anika... No, hang on, Anthony.” He held the phone away and pressed what I assumed was a mute button. “Do you mind coming with me to an event this evening?”

“What kind of event? I don’t mind, I only ask because I’m not sure if I have anything appropriate to wear. Oh! I can wear the dress I wore to the Gillies Exhibition. I had it dry cleaned and everything; it’s all ready to go.”

“Well, as much as I hate to say this, some of the same people from that Exhibition will be at this event as well. It’s a cocktail party thrown by Olaf Evist. He was at the exhibit and, well, I’ll tell you the rest in a minute. I’ll arrange a dress and everything. Is that okay?”